Financial burden of lots of driving lessons

[sewknit56]

My DC is almost 18 and was really keen to learn to drive but 45 lessons in and she is struggling. She likes her instructor and feels that each week she is getting somewhere but it is a slow process- instructor has said she is very nervous, jumpy and that although a lovely girl she is a long long way off passing her test. DH has decided he will not pay for any more lessons with the current instructor and wants her to try someone else but she suffers from anxiety and she doesn't want to have to go through all the anxiety of trying someone new, a different car etc when she gets on really well with her current instructor. If she didn't like her instructor and felt she wasn't getting anywhere it would be a different story but she really feels she is getting somewhere now.

He says she needs to pay for her own lessons when she can afford it as we don't have a bottomless pit of money and she just needs to start listening as driving is a very very simple skill. No it is not - for some yes but not for others.

I don't have a driving licence so can't go out with her. I made the decision when I was 17 due to anxiety that I didn't want to drive - but she really wants to do it it is just taking a long long time. I worry now that she will never go back to it and although I don't drive it is a life skill that I would be willing to keep paying for as I am sure she will grasp it eventually. We have bought her a car as we thought getting out practicing would help but DH says she is a liability as she hasn't a clue so he won't go in the car with her again until she has passed her test - she gets really really nervous when in the car with him so I don't think it a true reflection of her driving skills

Has anyone's child stopped due to the financial strain and then gone back to it when they had the money to fund it themselves? The trouble is she has lost all confidence now as H just telling her she is a liability and completely rubbish.

She is hoping to get more hours at work after A levels so she can pay and I am thinking to maybe look for a weekend evening job to pay so she can carry on but DH will not use any more of his hard earned cash on paying for lessons.

What an absolute cunt your H is.

She's clearly finding it hard and to be so unkind to her and refuse to go out with her will have really set her back.

Did you post about this a few weeks ago?

How long are her lessons?

If 1 hour per week, it's probably not enough. 2 hours per week split into two smaller one hour sessions are optimum. That way she is remembering what she's been taught and will help her confidence.

If 1 2 hour session, that to me is too long. You cannot concentrate for that long and it's a waste of time and money.

We found the above and taking DC out in their car for extra practice has worked wonders.

Good luck! She will be picking you up from the pub in no time 😉

Honestly, that's a bit harsh. I wouldn't get in the car with a nervous learner. Being a parent doesn't automatically make you a good driving coach.

My boyfriend taught me to drive. I then had two weeks of daily lessons to get rid of any bad habits and passed first time. Pretty cheap.

Driving lessons are really expensive so I can see why your husband has concerns with over 40 lessons already paid for and no end in sight

TBF the car we bought her was my great aunties car (who due to old age has given up driving) she had it from new and has very low mileage, we hardly had to pay anything for it. She pays half the insurance from her part time job as we thought it was a good motivator to how much things cost but she just has no motivation because she finds it so hard to grasp. I think she thought it would be really easy as most of her friends have only taken about 20 lessons and have found the driving journey pretty easy.

I do have a friend who has offered to take her out and she said she would maybe get an unbiased idea of what she is really like. Maybe she isn't as bad as we all think or maybe she really is a driving disaster. This is the first thing that hasn't really come easy to her, as most things she tries even with her anxiety normally come to her pretty easily and even if not straight away with perseverance she usually gets there.

Does your DC hear him call her a liability etc? Not going to do much for her confidence is it.

Is your DD going to go to uji? Unless she's going to take a car with her, I would wait until afterwards otherwise she will need to learn all over again.
Mine all passed at 17 (as did I) & it was all down to practice. They all had about 40 hours if lessons, but it was the routine driving that really helped. Anywhere they were going (including school) they drove. It's harder if you don't drive, though.

Getting a friend to see what she is like driving is a great idea.

The professional driving instructor has said she is a long way off, they know what they are talking about. The DVSA recommend 45 hours of instruction plus about 22 hours of private practise.

Ds only got into my car when the instructor said he didn't need dual control. But Ds did loads of driving, hundreds of miles whilst waiting for his test date (massive backlog but managed to get a cancellation 4 months earlier) his instructor said he was great.

What helped him was watching a lot of videos on Youtube by driving instructors especially mock tests that talk about positioning, meeting situations, lanes on roundabouts etc.

Most driving lessons are now 2 hours long and here cost £72. I would talk to her instructor and see if she would be better suited to an automatic. Try to narrow down what it is she is struggling with. I do understand your Dh's reluctance to take her out if she is unsafe. There are lots of very scary moments on the driving instructor youtube videos, some are near misses on actual mock tests so they should be test ready.

Im sorry if I've been an idiot and missed this in your OP but have either of you seen her drive recently?

I say this as someone who was an incredibly anxious learner and driver for a few years after passing but had an instructor who constantly motivated, praised and encouraged me.

Are they possibly feeding into anxiety rather than trying to boost her confidence and get her to test ready level? I would take your friend up on her offer of taking DD out and then assess the situation and see what is best for everyone going forward.

The instructor must be doing this on purpose to keep her spending with him. To be nowhere near close to passing a test after 45 hours of tuition is ridiculous, even for a nervous driver.

I don't blame your DH for not wanting to continue paying for endless lessons, they're expensive. It's perfectly reasonable to make his paying conditional on moving to a new instructor.

45 hours of presumably hour long lessons? That's insane.

DD took a long time and many stops and starts due to COVID. She had a lovely instructor, and as an anxious driver she liked that he was calm and steady. She also went out a lot with me. But she also failed her first test and it knocked her confidence. Her turnaround was going to Uni and getting a different instructor. He was the complete opposite of her first. Very relaxed in himself, but much more of a character. They listened to music, they chatted, he took her out of her comfort zone. He challenged her. He was an ex Army tank commander, so very competent in a particular way with the training. She came on really quickly and having had quite a long break, then passed her test after another block of lessons. In total though over the three years, she probably had about 50 lessons though!

The driving instructor came highly recommended and my nieces nephews and cousins children all learnt and passed with him - after about 25 lessons though!! He is really calm and patient which is why she likes him - he did sort of say to my DH that most students he has had grasp it much quicker than her and he is at a slight loss of where to go next as he has taught her everything now but she struggles to put it all into practice. In all honestly maybe she should just give up and she isn't driving material. I think I would have been the same hence why I never put myself through it.

I don't have a licence but it has limited me for job opportunities and activities with the children and I don't really want that for her.

Someone said to my dad several years ago when my younger sister was learning to drive that every single person is capable of driving but it may take100's of hours of practice but nobody should give up!!

It's very rare for someone to pass with 'only' 25 lessons and no parental practice. Your DD is only driving during lessons which is why it's taking so long.
Driving is practice and confidence. Nothing more. Her dad calling her rubbish and a liability won't be helping.

BTW I took close to 100 hours of lessons, no practice (after a family friend took me out and completely destroyed my confidence, never again). But I passed!
On the most difficult test route with challenging conditions, including being honked at as I refused to pass a cyclist closely. Examiner was v. impressed.

My instructor was warning me about this examiner the look on his (and other instructors') faces when I passed was a sight to behold.

Don't let her be put off by comparing herself to other people and your DH unrealistic expectations. Fine to stop if you can't afford it. But she isn't particularly slow.

Me, thirty years ago!

I failed my test twice, with two different driving instructors. First test after probably 50 lessons, second test after another 20 odd. My parents refused to take me out, but they paid for all the lessons. With hindsight, I wasn’t ready for my first test, but I felt cheated not to have passed at my second attempt. I was 18 when I failed the first test (just before I went to university) and 19 when I failed the second one (between my first and second years).

My parents refused to pay for any more lessons. I had to do the theory test by the time I took my next lot of lessons, which my parents did pay for, and then I paid for my own intensive course, which was about 12 lessons in five days. I was 21 by then when finally passed. I saved up for them from a holiday job that I had.

I am a much better driver for failing twice! I’m still not an amazing driver, and driving long distances exhausts me, but I’m fine around town.

I now think I have undiagnosed dyspraxia, on the milder end of things, and I think that might have contributed to how hard I found it.

Not every driving instructor is a saint. 45 hours is a lot. Perhaps ask the instructor specifically what needs addressing in the next few lessons, and when dd will be test ready.

Dh taught ds1, only needed a few lessons. Driving instructor said he was nowhere near ready and would need lots more, but when pressed by Dh as it exactly what, a list and timeframe, he got all shirty. New instructor said he was a lovely little driver and would be ready in a month, so Dh and I continued taking him out, and he did pass 1st time.

Please find someone else for her to practice with! They just need to let her drive round an empty car park and be encouraging.

I have a partner that puts his brake foot on the floor, constantly tells me what lane or gear to be in. I find that I can’t drive well at all with him in the car and make silly mistakes, I get so nervous. When he’s not there I’m fine.

My brother took my son out and was very calm and carefully explained what to do and then said stuff like,‘that’s great! Well done’ when my son stalled or whatever my brother would calmly say, ‘ok, that’s happened because..’
so helpful!

as another poster said maybe you could learn too? I think that would help her confidence as you could share experiences. I’d also suggest trying a different instructor. She can always go back to this one.
good luck!

My DD did a "crash" course. Combined money gifts from family paid for a week's solid driving learning, with the test booked in advance for the Friday afternoon. Being able to concentrate exclusively on the driving was the right thing for her and she passed the test straight away.

I passed in two months as I had three 2 hour lessons a week, and my dad drove me to and from school daily. It was far cheaper to do it all quickly and in bulk than spread it out.

Why are you with such a nasty man?

I passed at 30, I choose to have an entire year of lessons 2x1 5 hours a week, I saw it as paying for experience as I couldn't go out with anyone. I was ofcourse paying for my own lessons and I wanted to have experience of all weather and road conditions as I knew I would be driving with DD in the car.

I would stop the lessons for now, work on theory knowledge if she hasn't passed yet and use the money to address the source of anxiety which will hold her back far more than not being able to drive and then maybe try automatic in a few months. Some big motor schools have driving simulators in their main bases it might be worth visiting.

Does your DH realise that (1) his attitude is almost certainly making things much worse than they need to be, and (2) that if she loses even more confidence she might never drive?

I say that having been a very anxious learner who had about 90 hours of lessons before failing the test a first time and then more lessons before finally passing. However, and this is the key bit, I never became confident enough to drive on my own and 30 years down the line I have an unblemished licence because I only ever drive 2/3 times a year, never more than a couple of kilometres at most and always with my husband telling me what to do. This is after doing courses for anxious drivers as an adult and driving instructors being very clear they think I am a safe driver. I just cannot believe it myself.

Driving is not a simple skill. I can do extremely complex things most people would never manage (eg I can work in a very technical field in 3 languages and speak another 3 well enough to watch TV, read books etc), but driving is beyond me, I think mostly because I never learnt properly while young.

If your husband thinks it is important for your daughter to be able to drive, he needs to shut up and invest into somebody else supporting her to acquire what is clearly NOT a simple skill for her.

I’m currently going through this at the minute! I have lost count of how many lessons I’ve had. I started in manual and hated it so much because I just couldn’t get it. Eventually I gave up and decided driving wasn’t for me. However, after a few years I started feeling bad for DH having to do all the driving so I said I’d go back and do automatic lessons on the condition that there is no time limit and no pressure. It takes as long as it takes, even if I have to have lessons for 2 years.

I never ever thought I would feel comfortable driving. I could never imagine being in a position to pass my test but now here I am, still having lessons but my test in booked in for 2 weeks time. I am nervous but also confident that I can do it. It has taken me many many lessons to get here but I think it’s worth it. Some people just need more, everyone learns at different paces. I really think she should stick with it if it’s something she really wants to do. Think how proud she will be of herself when she passes!