Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old going out in town on the bus with 13yr old stepsister

47 replies

moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:00

Hi

Agonising here....

Daughter is 12 years old and sees her father every fortnight and for some of the holidays. Today for the second time I see she has "gone to town" for a few hours in the day time , on the bus, with her 13 year old step sister.

I was born in a lively big city in South America, I did get the bus places and walk miles at her age but my child is different and I would like to think we now live at different times.

I personally think she is too young to be doing that on her own .

Sadly our relationship as a separated parents isn't amicable.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her father to wait until she is older , maybe 15, to be going out alone like this?

I don't want to mention which town but the place although very nice and affluent had a few news reports of teenagers being beaten by groups and ending up in hospital.

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 13:02

Yes you are. You need to help her learn independence skills, not hold her back. 15 is far too late to be starting to go out on her own!

titchy · 04/04/2024 13:03

A) she's not on her own. B) 12 is a perfectly reasonable age to be doing this. Waiting till she's 15 is ridiculous and infantilising.

TokyoSushi · 04/04/2024 13:03

I think it's fine...

idontlikealdi · 04/04/2024 13:04

You are being unreasonable. I get it, I wasn't comfortable with it but DTs have been going into town with their friends since halfway through y7 when they were 11.

Illpickthatup · 04/04/2024 13:05

I think 12 is old enough. I used to get the bus into town myself when I was 9 and into the nearest big city when I was 11. 12 is plenty old enough and she's with an older sibling as well.

You can't dictate how her dad chooses to parent on time unless there are legitimate safety concerns. But a 12 year old on a bus in the day time. No issues. Does she not get the bus to school?

EarringsandLipstick · 04/04/2024 13:05

It's fine - and better that she's doing this at a younger age and building confidence. It's true that adverse events can happen, but that's true at all times, and all stages. You have to accept that and hope that she'll have the ability to navigate those situations if they occur.

FragileWookiee · 04/04/2024 13:11

My daughter is currently in town with her mate shopping. They are both 12. Both got the bus in together and will be getting the bus back. She only rings if she needs more money. I think 12 is a good age to be allowed a bit of independence.

I was worried sick the first time she went though and did go to town myself on that occasion. So I understand it is a bit nerve wracking.

fieldsofbutterflies · 04/04/2024 13:16

It's absolutely fine. I was going into town alone from that age, or to the nearest city 40 minutes away with a friend for the day.

Octavia64 · 04/04/2024 13:17

In the UK this is very normal at 12.

Most children start travelling independently to school at 11 when they start secondary and going into town is a natural extension of that.

Original poster
moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:17

FragileWookiee · 04/04/2024 13:11

My daughter is currently in town with her mate shopping. They are both 12. Both got the bus in together and will be getting the bus back. She only rings if she needs more money. I think 12 is a good age to be allowed a bit of independence.

I was worried sick the first time she went though and did go to town myself on that occasion. So I understand it is a bit nerve wracking.

I remember going shopping at 12 but to a shopping mall, think a massive Westfield with cameras and security everywhere rather than out in the open / in the streets. You go with pocket money, play at the arcade and get a McDonalds - but it is all within the security of this massive enclosed space :(

OP posts:
WhiteLeopard · 04/04/2024 13:18

I have three teens - this is normal at age 12 OP.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/04/2024 13:18

titchy · 04/04/2024 13:03

A) she's not on her own. B) 12 is a perfectly reasonable age to be doing this. Waiting till she's 15 is ridiculous and infantilising.

This ^^

Medschoolmum · 04/04/2024 13:19

Does she have SEN that give you cause to be concerned?

If she is an NT 12yo, honestly, you're being very unreasonable. It's fine to get the bus to the shops at her age.

What exactly are you concerned about?

BodenCardiganNot · 04/04/2024 13:20

but it is all within the security of this massive enclosed space :(

Do you not think this is why you are feeling like this about your own 12 year old now? What age were you when you were allowed more freedom and independence on the actual streets?

Cleaninginprogress · 04/04/2024 13:22

As already said, they are together and are going into town during daytime hours. I think that’s very reasonable.

It’s never easy when teenagers start becoming more independent, but very necessary. Let them go and give yourself time and space to get used to this step (and next ones!)

Original poster
moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:22

BodenCardiganNot · 04/04/2024 13:20

but it is all within the security of this massive enclosed space :(

Do you not think this is why you are feeling like this about your own 12 year old now? What age were you when you were allowed more freedom and independence on the actual streets?

On my original post I mentioned I was out and about at her age, by bus and by foot, and I lived in south America

OP posts:
MardyBigBum · 04/04/2024 13:24

I think this is pretty normal behaviour. My DD went to town on the train with friends at that age.

Anneta · 04/04/2024 13:24

I understand why you would worry but it’s a normal age for teens to start to become independent.
My granddaughter, 13, enjoys going into town for a coffee or shopping with her friends. We live in a seaside town and I’ve always felt safe living here.
The first few times she went, her parents accompanied her but remained in a coffee shop whilst she went off with her friends but now it’s a regular occurrence that she goes on her own. She also goes to a Theatre group and to the cinema.
We live about half an hour from a very large city, so when she wants to go there to shop, her parents still stay in the vicinity.
I would suggest as long as your daughter has a mobile phone in case of an emergency, there is no need to worry. Also with a phone you can track her movements if you wish.

mitogoshi · 04/04/2024 13:25

At 12? Yabu, fine for 12 year olds to go to town. I was going up to central London by that age!

BoohooWoohoo · 04/04/2024 13:25

It’s normal for kids to do it in my area of England. 15 is way too late to start this kind of independence.

loropianalover · 04/04/2024 13:28

I think it’s normal as long as it’s just for a few hours/an afternoon and you know roughly what she’s doing. E.g. is she going to Primark and Boots and getting a hot choc or is she messing with a big group loitering and getting in trouble.

I was that age when I started going to town by myself, we’d go try on makeup or get chips or go to the cinema.

TeenScreenQueen · 04/04/2024 13:30

It's really fine. She's not alone, she's with someone else and I think being on shopping streets is often better than a big shopping centre. I'm much happier when my DD takes the bus to the decent high street near us rather than going to the local shopping centre where there's more kids just hanging about.

Original poster
moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:31

Medschoolmum · 04/04/2024 13:19

Does she have SEN that give you cause to be concerned?

If she is an NT 12yo, honestly, you're being very unreasonable. It's fine to get the bus to the shops at her age.

What exactly are you concerned about?

She is very mature for her age, no SEN and very independent. I think the notion of independence to me is beyond whether she goes to town without me or not.

My worry is other people. Other teenagers. Adults. She was accosted at Selfridges in Birmingham by older girls when we were together shopping. She left my sight for 5 mins and came running saying these girls were circling asking her "if she was on her own". I didn't see the girls but that made me quite uneasy to think what could have happened if I wasn't there.

Once at Primark (I think it was Birmingham as well) there was a very strange man wondering around, walking behind girls and followed my daughter up the escalators but quickly disappeared when he noticed she was with me.

Yes this can happen anytime and I cannot keep her in cotton wool forever ... I appreciate hearing everyone's views

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 04/04/2024 13:31

My parents didn't let me do things like that, the first time I got the bus to my nearest town was my first day at my Saturday job at 16. Whilst that level of over protection did me no real harm and I've happily galavanted around the country since then, it didn't do me any favours either and friendships suffered and I lacked the shared experiences that my peers had.

As others have said in the UK and I suspect most of the world Secondary school age is when children get more freedom and going into town in daylight is very normal.

Yes, in most towns gangs are becoming an issue but those getting beaten up are very rarely spontaneous they are people within the gang culture / known to each other

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 13:35

The examples you gave could happen at any age. You need to equip her with enough smarts and skills to know what to do if she ever feels unsafe, not avoid her ever being in a potentially unsafe situation.