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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old going out in town on the bus with 13yr old stepsister

47 replies

moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:00

Hi

Agonising here....

Daughter is 12 years old and sees her father every fortnight and for some of the holidays. Today for the second time I see she has "gone to town" for a few hours in the day time , on the bus, with her 13 year old step sister.

I was born in a lively big city in South America, I did get the bus places and walk miles at her age but my child is different and I would like to think we now live at different times.

I personally think she is too young to be doing that on her own .

Sadly our relationship as a separated parents isn't amicable.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her father to wait until she is older , maybe 15, to be going out alone like this?

I don't want to mention which town but the place although very nice and affluent had a few news reports of teenagers being beaten by groups and ending up in hospital.

OP posts:
Hoplolly · 04/04/2024 13:37

I don't think there is anything unreasonable here. Completely normal for that age.

BooksAndHooks · 04/04/2024 13:39

High school age is completely normal to be doing that.

Seeline · 04/04/2024 13:40

This is totally normal for this age!
My DD was going into town with her friends on the bus in Y6. My DS was travelling to school by himself using a train and a bus in Y6.
They all travel to school in Y7 on public transport.
We're in South London so very busy!

Waiting until 15 is ridiculous.

Original poster
moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:43

Seeline · 04/04/2024 13:40

This is totally normal for this age!
My DD was going into town with her friends on the bus in Y6. My DS was travelling to school by himself using a train and a bus in Y6.
They all travel to school in Y7 on public transport.
We're in South London so very busy!

Waiting until 15 is ridiculous.

Not looking forward to 15 😂

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 04/04/2024 13:43

A lot of kids get the bus to school from year 7, so 11/12. I think your 12yo with her older step sister would be fine. Though I understand your worries. Bit like when mine went out for the first time proper at 18!

Original poster
moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:44

Illpickthatup · 04/04/2024 13:05

I think 12 is old enough. I used to get the bus into town myself when I was 9 and into the nearest big city when I was 11. 12 is plenty old enough and she's with an older sibling as well.

You can't dictate how her dad chooses to parent on time unless there are legitimate safety concerns. But a 12 year old on a bus in the day time. No issues. Does she not get the bus to school?

We live in the sticks... but no she doesn't get the bus to school

OP posts:
Original poster
moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:45

Notamum12345577 · 04/04/2024 13:43

A lot of kids get the bus to school from year 7, so 11/12. I think your 12yo with her older step sister would be fine. Though I understand your worries. Bit like when mine went out for the first time proper at 18!

Not looking forward to 18 either 😂

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 04/04/2024 13:47

If you don't let her experience some independence by the time she does get to 15 it will come back to bite you on the arse tenfold.

Medschoolmum · 04/04/2024 13:53

OP if she is NT and mature for her age, she will be fine.

It's natural for parents to be anxious about their kids becoming more independent, but that isn't a good enough reason to deny them ordinary freedoms.

Far better that she gets used to doing things without you at this age, and gradually builds up her experience and confidence, than being let loose on the world suddenly at 18!

Parenting tweens and teenagers is one tough process of gradually letting go of control. It isn't easy and you will worry about her, but that worry is your problem - don't make it hers.

My dd is 18, and I've had to get used to her driving by herself, going abroad by herself etc. It isn't easy but our kids need to be given the freedom to assert their independence. It is part of the natural order of things.

SingingSands · 04/04/2024 14:06

It's great she's got her step-sister to do these things with and help to build up her confidence and awareness.

It's a hard time for parents as our kids become teenagers - so much of it is about letting them go and watching them fly.

DragonFly98 · 04/04/2024 15:13

My dc have to be 13 to go to town without an adult but if she is a sensible 12 year old and with her older sister it should be fine.

UpsideLeft · 04/04/2024 15:15

Loads of DC have to get buses and trains to school on their own from Primary school age

JaninaDuszejko · 04/04/2024 15:38

She's not on her own, she's with her stepsister. And a town in the UK will be safer than a city in South America.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/04/2024 15:47

titchy · 04/04/2024 13:03

A) she's not on her own. B) 12 is a perfectly reasonable age to be doing this. Waiting till she's 15 is ridiculous and infantilising.

This.

Jane1978xx · 05/04/2024 13:46

My daughter has been going to town since she was 10 and she’s 13 now and goes to bigger city an hour away by train. I do have rules . She messages every few hours. She’s home by dark. I know who she is with and she has her tracker on. She knows my number in her head. If she’s uncomfortable about anything she goes in a cafe or shop and calls me and I will come.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 05/04/2024 14:27

I think it's fine, all teens I know in London travel independently. She needs to learn how to handle situations and staying home won't do that.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 05/04/2024 14:28

moomsy · 04/04/2024 13:45

Not looking forward to 18 either 😂

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but it's better to build it up slowly. Otherwise she'll have no ability or skills to cope, when she is 18.

Travelban · 10/04/2024 20:11

My eldest missed out on all of this because of lockdown and it was tough. Other kids have had these freedoms from 12/13. Totally normal with the right boundaries.

reluctantbrit · 18/04/2024 08:07

12 is fairly normal and the best is to ensure she knows how to protect herself and be confident.

Talk about what she can do if she feels unsafe, most shops will be happy to support a teen who feels unsafe. Ensure her phone is on, not on silent, always charged and plenty of money on it. You can track her phone but do tell her.

DD takes the bus/walks 40 minutes to school each day, she goes to our local main shopping center with friends since she is 10/11, first we were there as well, later she checked in on a regular basis and now she just tells us when she is coming back.

ZenNudist · 18/04/2024 08:32

titchy · 04/04/2024 13:03

A) she's not on her own. B) 12 is a perfectly reasonable age to be doing this. Waiting till she's 15 is ridiculous and infantilising.

This is fine. My 13yo takes my 10yo into local town and also picks him up from school and walks him home. Next academic year from nearly 11 he will walk himself to primary school alone and will be allowed to a local park on occasion to meet friends (probably under the eye of 14yo brother at first).

You've got to foster independence and being streetwise.

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 18/04/2024 08:39

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 04/04/2024 13:18

This ^^

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Totally perfect age. Have a chat with her about safety. I always end my safety chats with basically saying if things go wrong and you fuck up you'll never be in trouble if you tell us, we will always help you.
Chuck in some anecdotes about friends kids being done for shop lifting and how they got carted off to a police cell 😂

Roselilly36 · 18/04/2024 08:46

Completely natural to worry OP, but I would agree with PP normal for a sensible 12 year old.

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