Just discovered 15 DS trying to download porn on his school laptop.

[Wiseoldminerva]

OMFG.

How do I handle this? I want to smash the router. He has given me a load of backchat and said “well didn’t you all watch pornhub when you were a teen?” Fucks sake there wasn’t even an internet!

What do I do? The router settings are v high but I think he put his SIM in the laptop and somehow that has bypassed it. Help. I’m out of my depth.

Talk to him calmly. About how awful porn is.
Smashing the router won't help

Also point out to him that if it’s his school laptop the school IT department will record every download so he’s going to have to have that conversation when he gets back to school…

First don't make him feel guilty.
Porn is designed to rouse him and make him want to watch more.
Explain how awful it is for the actress / actors, they've generally all suffered massive trauma.
Explain how it is not how sex happens and make him read testimonies of people who've had their sex lives and social life ruined by porn

Done all of the above. He is contrite. And is aware school will have something to say about it too.

All the settings are crazy high on his phone and my router so I don’t know how he’s accessed it.

Well, I may as well have saved my breath. Caught again watching porn hub and also giving out his number so he can WhatsApp some live camera site who (obviously) won’t deliver until they have his money.

He was bypassing the router by using the data on his phone and then tethering somehow to an unlocked laptop. Or something like that.

He is SO defiant at the moment. The phone has been removed and replaced with his Grandad’s old Nokia.

I didn’t scream and shout. There were no raised voices. He said “it’s worse, when you do that “I’m so disappointed” shit.”

I feel like I am on his case CONSTANTLY and yet am actively looking to catch him doing good things.

I have NO IDEA what I’m doing really, with him. Fucks sake, when he was a baby at least I could reach for some sort of a manual, even if it was a toss up between Contented Little Baby and Gina Ford!!!!

Wheres the manual now? Where?

Explain to him that what he's doing is borderline criminal. Teenagers think its all a joke, but if push comes to shove, he can be in a lot of hot water.

Can you also take the whole laptop away and only give it to him at certain homework times?

Tons and tons of links on this Google search. https://www.google.com/search?q=how+tomtslk+to+teens+re+harm+of+porn&scaesv=9e50dd6a5d81d2fe&rlz=1C9BKJAAenGB857GB863&hl=en-GB&sxsrf=ADLYWIJ-NkgOXSEG5ShFhCLky2tHkaBKQ%3A1717929635993&ei=o4ZlZoSiPLyUhbIP2a2G8Ak&oq=how+tomtslk+to+teens+re+harm+of+porn&gsslp=EhNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwIiRob3cgdG9tdHNsayB0byB0ZWVucyByZSBoYXJtIG9mIHBvcm5I8DtQwQpY5TlwAHgAkAECmAH8AqABiS6qAQc0LjkuNi44uAEDyAEA-AEBmAIFoALyBsICBBAjGCfCAgcQABiABBgNwgIGEAAYFhgemAMAiAYBkgcFMS4yLjKgB-xh&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp#ip=1

Re the handbook, yes it would,be good to have one.....

The biggest things that worked for us

• keeping lines of communication open at all times. Dinner at the table at least twice a week. Chat about small stuff, big stuff, contentious stuff, politics, values and beliefs. Do a lot of listening.

• being really honest about how challenging it is for you to adjust to them Growing and that you need their help to get it right.

• with punishments and sanctions for the serious stuff - like this - DH and I talked privately first re our thoughts and possible actions. We then talked to the child and re explained why we were so unhappy and very clearly what our expectations are going forward. Then ask them what they think is a suitable sanction/ course of action. You'd be amazed at how fothcoming and reasonable they can be. Be calm, be purposeful. If they respond childishly (like yours has) then say that if they can't have a proper respectful discussion and are behaving like a 12 year old then you'll have to treat them as one. If they'd like to try again with a more mature reasoned approach then perhaps they'd like to do that? Offer them a positive way out.

• we talked about trust and breaking boundaries. We explained that we knew that being a teenaged kids is all about breaking boundaries and pushing but that some are non negotiable. We explained why.

• with drugs we explained honestly why people take them (the amazing high and how good it feels). And then we explain the possible consequences, the addiction , the criminal associations that come with it, the health risks of uncontrolled dangerous substances being in your body. That skunk irreparably rewires a young brain before 21 years old, and that it causes incurable psychosis. That's very different to the 'quarter of brown' available in our day which just made you laugh.

Re porn we talked about it periodically as they grew up and matured. Themes were how misogynistic it is. How unrealistic is. How degrading for the women. How the women are often very young, trafficked , forced, raped, hurt. We talked openly about what real sex is all about - love, respect, fantastic orgasms for all concerned, tenderness, fun, experimentation. Alll of that. Give a more positive alternative. It's up to us to educate (especially our boys) as to what good is. Yes its difficult and can be embarrassing but in my view it's an essential part of good parenting.

In terms of sanctions I'd make him do all his online stuff in a family room where you are, then confiscate the device for the rest of the day/ evening. Keep to the old Nokia phone for now. Talk to him about how long he thinks that is reasonable to go on for.

OP are there any sensible adult men around who can talk some sense into him?

Edited to say: You may not like what they say or how they say it but they should be able to talk enough sense into him so he doesn't download stuff on school/work devices, do anything illegal, and also get caught by you and any girlfriend.

Honestly, I think you need to rethink your strategy here. This is a battle you can’t win. He doesn’t need to download porn to watch it. It’s literally everywhere (my bf usually watches it via reddit I believe - no need for porn websites).
He is defiant because you reacted very strongly to him having watched it. I really think you need to relax a bit and not push him away.

The school will be able to see this. If he is caught, they will remove it from him.

His Dad has given him a talking to. But it’s like it just doesn’t compute. He has had SO much internet safety teaching which he can cheerfully recite, and then last year he was putting up pictures of our house on insta saying “can anyone work out where I live.” And “I really want a girlfriend.” My heart breaks for him but he’s also clearly very stupid.

Thank you. That’s really helpful. He is just so daft and doesn’t seem to join up the consequences of his actions AT ALL.

Even when he says that he gets it and gives examples of HOW he gets it, he still does it anyway!

Who actually downloads porn anymore? It’s like going to the video rental to rent it. He sounds a bit dim.

But… he is a teen. You won’t win this battle. You can talk to him about how awful the industry is, and about not supporting exploitation etc. All you can do is educate. Punishment is the wrong move here. He is a teen, his brain isn’t developed yet, he is curious and looking. You have to back off a bit.

He’s a lot dim. Not just a bit dim. But also maybe download is the wrong word and I mean “stream”. But anyway his search history was hair-raising.

Despite this dimness he can bypass all sorts of internet settings and phone settings.

He’s tried to Access chat live-cam stuff from those ridiculous “local girls want to fuck you now” pop ups.

But in addition literally EVERY boundary I’ve put in place is being flouted. Really pushing back on everything. I guess I just have to dig in and not flinch. I’ve always been way more “carrot” than “stick” but maybe that’s wrong at the moment too.

The “punishment” is the swapping of the iPhone.

That’s for his safety because I cannot think of another way to stop him accessing this stuff. He certainly doesn’t have enough self regulation to do it.

His PlayStation went last week and will be returned post Mocks. But even basic stuff like “don’t leave food in your room because the dog will eat it and it will make her sick” is ignored.

Personal hygiene is totally hit and miss and all teen boys stink in my opinion, unless they shower daily. But you’d think I’d asked him for a kidney!

Plus deliberately winding up his younger (teen) brothers, eating everything he sees without thinking - like the bloody ingredients for his brother’s cookery lesson etc and generally not giving a shit about anyone or anything.

I love him till my heart pops but God he’s a pest at the moment.

After reading your replies I feel quite sorry for him. Sounds like he gets on your nerves whatever he does. And please don’t call your child “dim” 😕

Where I live, it’s used colloquially as an affectionate way of calling someone a bit of an idiot sometimes. Just someone doing something a bit stupid but it’s said with love.

Exactly! I love him to pieces. I’m simply astounded at the hair pulling stupidity of his actions. He has no regard whatsoever to the consequences. He doesn’t join it up. He was helping me in the garden last night and we had a nice time. Then he started swinging the end of the hosepipe, with a lawn-feed attachment on it, which could have flown off. And this was right next to the green house. I told him to stop but he carried on and lo! It indeed flew off and landed on a plant and broke it.

Then lit up the BBQ without taking down the washing. The conversation went “can I light the BBQ?” And I said “yes, but please take down the washing and put it in the basket.” I even added “because otherwise it will smell of smoke.”
Did he remove the washing? No. No he didn’t. And argued that the smoke was going the other way. It wasn’t, and anyway, take down the washing!!!!!!!!!

Aargh!

That, despite flashes of brilliance, is the definition of dim!

He is a kind and affectionate and cuddly, lovely boy, but 15 is hard.

School will take the laptop off him.

Is he not embarrassed at the thought of his Head of Year knowing what he wanks off to? Is he not embarrassed by his mother knowing????

My youngest brother rang a sex line from our home landline when he was 13, so this would have been 1993.

He racked up a phone bill of well over £1000 which got the notice of my parents 🙄 as the number was premium and was based in South America!!!!

He had to repay some of the ££, suffer the embarrassing conversation that followed, and had several privileges removed.

My suggestion would be to remove all electronic devices and talk to him rationally, as others have suggested. He needs to understand the implications of what he's doing of course but don't forget he's a clueless teenager underneath.

I have a 15 year old and am not stupid enough to think he does't look at porn on his phone, although I would rather he didnt and he has had frequent lectures on it from a Feminist perspective.
However, I would be livid if he did it using a school laptop as it could have very serious repercussions for him

He is addicted and you need to treat it like an addiction. As well as removing all internet enabled devices I'd take him to the GP and ask for him to be treated for porn addiction.

Teenagers do stupid things. My heart goes out to you OP. My own dc have chosen different stupid things to do (or at least if they’re watching porn I haven’t caught them). Giving your ds a Nokia is exactly what I would do in that situation. You should make sure he doesn’t go and buy himself another smartphone though. Monitor what devices are using your home router and check that there aren’t any extras.

@Wiseoldminerva there are guides and support. I used Richie Sadlier book, it covers sex, sex industry, porn and is a good book for both parents and teen to read. He has a podcast also, I found he was acceptable by most teens because he is relatable.

Reiterate his behaviour is normal, yes he wants to see porn, his execution and his ignorance of what the actual industry involves is the issue. Not to mention the methods now used by websites which are exceptionally coercive to young minds.

You really can't prevent them accessing anything. Concentrate effort in opening his eyes to the reality. Richie's book is excellent at setting a lot of misconceptions straight.