If you had a lazy & unmotivated child who went to Uni...

[lechatnoir]

...how did they get on? Did they manage to get themself to lectures, not live in squalor and motivate themselves to join clubs and meet people?
Or did you stop worrying about it so much as long as they passed it's up to them how they get there?
Ds18 wants to go to uni which would be great except it's a big stretch financially & I l'm loathe to go without ourselves whilst he continues to lie around doing bugger all!

He literally does just lie in bed/in front of the tv doing nothing outside school hours & socialising. He has chores which involve a major row every week, getting him up for school is a battle & he's just got a 'can't be arsed if it doesn't benefit me ' attitude. It's trying and not fun to live with but gritting my teeth through school years and hoping with age & responsibility he'll grow up a bit.

I've warned him this summer he'll be responsible for finding a job, getting himself there & back and saving for uni. We haven't worked out what he'll need to contribute yet but keen for it to be enough so he will need to be working reasonable number of hours if he also wants money for holidays and going out.

Well if you can't afford the stretch you tell him he needs to work for a few years and save up.

If that doesn't motivate him then don't spend your money supporting him to go to uni.

Perhaps suggest he has a GAP year and works/moves out? He will be far less likely to want a basic level job after realising what they are all about and how little they pay. Not to say Uni nowadays guarantees that isn't where you'll end up...

Is he likely to get the grades?
What course do he want to do?
If it is a big stretch for you, I would think seriously about it and involve him in how he can support himself.

if your anything like me i balked at what i’d have to spend on my dd when i got the real figures from the open days but now i gladly hand over the £9k i class it as respite

A lot of teenagers argue with their parents about chores.

Most of them are fine at uni.

Is he doing ok in his a levels? That for me would be what I was concerned about.

I wouldn't care if he was lazy if he's on track to do well.

Have you suggested that he take a gap year and works hard to prove himself ? It sounds like the probability of him dropping out or being asked to leave because of his attendance is high.

Has he got a place yet OP? If so, I'd have a talk with him and suggest he defers for a year, works full time during that year and saves as much as possible.

Make sure you stress it's full time employment that he'll need to do though.

My DS ended up working for a year before going to Uni and cleaning toilets at the end of a long shift for minimum wage seems to be quite motivating

I would advise any young person (including my own DC) not to go to uni unless they are motivated and have a strong reason for doing the course (whether that's intrinsic interest or a chosen career path). It's a big financial commitment for parents and DC, and most importantly, you don't get another shot at it, so if you scrape your way through your degree in X and then decide 4 years later that Y is your passion, you won't be able to access a degree.

I should have suggested that when you do talk to him, talk to him somewhere neutral. Maybe go out for a coffee together?

myphone makes a really good point too about finding only being available for 4 years. He needs to really want you to go it start making alternative plans.

Has he looked yet at how much loan he's entitled to, how much his accommodation will cost and worked out his weekly budget? Can he cook?

I have a very bright dd who was very unmotivated through GCSE and A Level years, had a wobble about doing A Levels at all, often said she didn't like any of her subjects and mostly applied to university because she didn't know what else to do and thought she might at least have a nice time. Her friendship group disintegrated by the end of school and she spent that long summer mostly in her room and didn’t get a job. She got into a good uni in the end, but we were worried about her going tbh.

She's having a great time, has made good friends, seems so much happier, and is genuinely interested in her course and getting really good grades. I'm so happy for her, and glad we didn't try to get her to pull out or defer. She just needed a change and a new challenge.

Is he going to do well academically and go somewhere good? In which case I’d assume he’ll do well at uni - and if he doesn’t do well after 1st year you can warn him you’ll pull it.

If he’s not especially bright and/or doesn’t work and is likely to end up somewhere so so, then I would say get a job for a couple years and we can look at matching funding with you.

I wouldn’t be contributing anything unless they were working hard

My lazy, unmotivated son went to uni and didn’t bother to attend lectures, he just enjoyed the social life. He left after a year as he’d got a degree apprenticeship instead. He has since applied himself amazingly and is on his way up the career ladder in a job he loves.

You see he was lazy and unmotivated, but he was ambitious and bright underneath it all.

That’s what you need to discern - whether your son has potential, and whether uni is the right place to unleash that potential. Maybe look at other options too.

DD and her boyfriend are in their 1st year at uni (been together since 6th form). He's lazy, unmotivated, sleeps for a chunk of the day, misses lectures.

Hasn't joined any societies, relies on my very sociable DD and a handful of mates from 6th form who are at nearby uni for a social life. Is heavily overdrawn but won't get a job (I know, he sounds like a keeper!).

He coasted to good grades at A level so don't know how he's doing academically. So to answer your question; uni hasn't changed him. He's still lazy, unmotivated (and funny, kind and charming - hence DD hasn't dumped him. Yet.)

I think if uni would be a big stretch financially don't be afraid of saying "no" or "not yet". It is potentially a very expensive way of avoiding getting a job. Encourage applying and deferring to work/save/think or doing an apprenticeship or just working and then applying with grades in hand when there might be more motivation to work hard. I would have these conversations earlier rather than later so DC can think and plan for what they are truly motivated to do, perhaps find some different apprenticeship schemes to show them as the idea can be overwhelming for many DC to plan themselves.

If a DC wants to go to university I think they should have a passion for their subject or need a degree to enable them to get a specific career and to be very motivated to learn and work very hard. There is still a lot of fun to be had a university, whilst working hard, you are surrounded by 100s of people your own age and many times you can move away from parental control (this bit appeals to lots of DC) but it is expensive. You can get a loan and even if it is written off after years and years the interest adds up and unless you are employed under the payback threshold you will have money taken from your salary which will have an impact, if you are funding your child on a fairly modest level (fees, accomodation) it's currently about £25,000 per year depending on where they go. Best wishes

I live in sharehouses at uni and have lived with many people who are definitely like this at home. They are nice enough people and fun to chat to but awful to live with because they still expect the house to come with some responsible people like their parents in it. People who know when bin day is and will buy new washing up sponges and loo roll and sweep the floor, because they are used to all this stuff happening magically so it doesn't cross their minds.

The people I can think of like this all did fine in their courses- enough to pass at least, one of them got a 1st. They were just lazy selfish housemates, lost some clothes to mould when they left them in the washing machine for 6 days.

@lechatnoir What happens if he does not go to uni? Continues to live at home, not earning enough to live independently & annoying you even more?

I would encourage him to go & hope the experience made him appreciate you & his home more & take more personal responsibility for his life. But I’d suggest a course with lots of contact hours if possible.

If he gets a summer job I wouldn't be charging him rent. They are often casual jobs with uncertain hours. Hearing you must pay ex amount regardless of how many hours you get is stressful in a first venture into the work force. The hours and expectations will probably be a wake up/shock to his system. If he does end up going to university he should be using the summer job to save something for that. I would insist he gives you a certain amount to save for him otherwise, in the first feeling of having money to spend, it all gets frittered away. If he gets the grades I would encourage him to go. After that it's up to him. If he drops out after a year you won't be financing him then. University isn't for everyone but he won't know until he tries.

Thanks really helpful and insightful replies.

To answer a few questions yes he does have offers and although lazy is quite bright so likely to get in to uni. As to whether it's a useful course or a 'really good university', probably not, but I do believe university is more than just academics and unlike many on here am not sniffy about non RG unis & the course has quite a practical hands-on approach, & whilst a degree doesn't guarantee a job, it does lead to a specific career.

As to whether he's passionate about it, again, probably not - he quite likes the sound of it, social life & independence of uni definitely appeals plus going to uni is the easiest option .

We won't be charging him board & lodging just yet as the agreement was always whilst he's in full-time education we would support him but we do want to see him get off his arse and do something productive or even exciting/adventurous that he has organised!

Agree It might be a good idea to agree him paying a set amount each week which we will set aside for uni rather than just give a fixed sum he needs to save.

I think what happens this summer in terms of grades and his work ethic will determine whether he goes to uni but I really hope he does as he doesn't have a Plan B (and refuses to engage in discussions about other non uni options)

We have been trying to encourage him to consider a gap year - we've waved brochures under his nose, suggested people he could speak to who have done it talked about our own adventures but frankly, unless I book it myself, it's just not going happen!

@Decorhate for your reason alone I really hope to goodness he does go!!!!

He will survive but it will a better experience for you all if you push him more firmly now. He needs to be responsible now for getting himself up. Leave him to it. A good idea that he cooks a meal for the household once a week. Gives him a bank of recipes he can do.

What is he like academically?

Universities take no prisoners. and are pretty tough when it comes to students who don't pull their weight. There is no hand holding or deadline reminders or chasing up of outstanding work. Students get marks deducted if work gets handed in late.

This is on the webite of the university DD went to:
Assignments handed in after the submission deadline will be subject to penalty, with a 5% deduction of the final agreed mark for each calendar day that the work is submitted late.

If he isn't motivated enough to do the academic work he can retake a year, but if he fails the retake he is out.

I agree that he should consider a gap year.

I had one of these teenage boys, albeit he did have a p/t job to keep him in beer. He was mostly horizontal, did the bare minimum to get through his school and uni exams, and we worried about what would come of him.
Fast forward: he’s 30, doing extremely well at work, runs marathons and is interesting, responsible and ambitious. Something switched on for him in his twenties, no idea what or why.
We always knew that he had the intelligence, but lacked the motivation. You will know if this is the same for your son.
Good luck!

@EwwSprouts all DC have 1 night a week to cook meal of their choosing & have done for quite some time but DS's turn usually involves a lot of nagging, a row & probably only cooking 50% of the time! He's actually very capable and independent if/when he chooses to be but it's all on his terms and when he can be bothered! I really do need to stop doing so much for him though that much is true.

@Getabloominmoveon definitely familiar so really hope the same for my DS as he's a great kid with massive potential just a lazy PITA teenager!