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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Confiscated 15 year old DDs phone

42 replies

Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:10

Dd was extremely rude and shouty on Monday and it all escalated and took her phone. Dh told her she wouldn't be getting it back until Friday.
she had plans to see friends tomorrow and needs her phone but dh is sticking to his guns.
It has started another tantrum and I'm feeling sorry for her as she doesn't go out often.

What do I do? Is he right or should I give in?

Her rudeness is at its worst and she talks back all the time even in front of other people. I'm torn

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 06/02/2024 23:16

You back your DH up as if you don’t present a united front then why bother punishing at all.Especially if she has had another tantrum rather than apologising and asking if she could have her phone back just for the one time she will be out with friends.She set herself back there really.I know it’s hard! Had 3 teens- but you need to both agree on punishments etc in future and stick to it.Good luck- only a couple more years and this really hard but will be done with!

Original poster
Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:21

sorry for the dripfeed, she apologised Monday night and has behaved since. She asked nicely this evening and promised to hand back the phone once she was home.
Dh said no, she got upset and begged me to convince him. I explained we're sticking through with the punishment and that's when she got really upset

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:22

Couple of more years feel like a lifetime away :(

OP posts:
Countrymouse85 · 06/02/2024 23:22

You need to stand your ground, she’ll remember this.

bossybloss · 06/02/2024 23:23

Could you not compromise and let her make the arrangements, then hand the phone back?

Original poster
Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:24

I tried talking to dh (without dd present) and he's not giving in. He said it was up to me but in the future when things go wrong (I'm sure it will) I will need to deal with it alone

OP posts:
XelaM · 06/02/2024 23:29

I think that's way too harsh (I have a teen daughter). You're just pushing her away with this over the top punishment, especially if she doesn't go out often.

Original poster
Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:34

@XelaM thats exactly how I feel. I don't know whether to just let her go with the phone and let her hand it back when she returns. In doing so I'll be on my own dealing with anything in the future

OP posts:
mikado1 · 06/02/2024 23:38

So she was allowed keep her plans and meet her friends but wasn't allowed her phone? I think that's OK, probably an over the top punishment initially but now I think you'll have to stick to it but maybe have a sit down chat so that she understands the reason, that she has been repeatedly rude etc and that you want to see an improvement, set expectations etc. It she needs a friend's no. from the phone so she can call say on landlines, I'd give her that.

Original poster
Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:41

I have given her ways to meet her friends the old school way, meet up at a set time/place (I can't drop off at meet up time) and she can call from her friends phone when ready to be picked up. She wasn't happy and went to bed crying. I will speak to her in the morning but I just feel sad for her now

OP posts:
handfulofsugar · 06/02/2024 23:42

Can she earn it back? Dishes, tidy room etc that way she won't see DH as giving in and DH might not feel he's given in to her and you won't be dealing on your own in the future (which is ridiculous of him to think he can opt out?

Original poster
Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:44

@handfulofsugar this is a good idea. I'll encourage her to sort her room out as that's one thing we would love for her to do

OP posts:
Anotheranonymousname · 06/02/2024 23:53

Does she actually need her phone for meeting up or is it that she'll be the only one without a phone, won't be part of the pre-meet online chat etc?

It's not clear why your DH decided that her behaviour was connected to her phone but others are right; a united front needs to be presented so the phone will have to be confiscated until Friday now. As others have said, it would be reasonable to let her get the phone numbers she needs off her phone but otherwise, she will have to make do until Friday. I wonder if she has been open with her friends about what has happened. Lots of teens can rustle up a spare phone and sim for friend in need so perhaps someone will give her one to borrow at school in the morning...

slipperypenguin · 06/02/2024 23:54

handfulofsugar · 06/02/2024 23:42

Can she earn it back? Dishes, tidy room etc that way she won't see DH as giving in and DH might not feel he's given in to her and you won't be dealing on your own in the future (which is ridiculous of him to think he can opt out?

It sounds ridiculous but on the other hand her DP has given a punishment for continued misbehaviour and just because she apologised and has some social plans OP is willing to undermine the punishment and feels sorry for her. I can see why her DP would say you would be on your own going forward then as you're not going to get far not seeing the consequence through nor undermining him

Original poster
Lilo08 · 07/02/2024 00:06

I totally agree with the you all that we need to have a united front. I never undermine dh in front of dd. I'm just feeling sorry for her now as this was planned weeks ago and she doesn't go out often.

I think the next step is to meet friends phone free or cancel which is up to her.
she doesn't actually need the phone to go out just the fact everyone will have theirs and she will be the only one without.

I'll see how it goes tomorrow.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 07/02/2024 00:10

If you want to look like the crazy parents to all her friends go ahead. I'd find it a safety issue in this day and age to be without her phone. I wouldn't ever go out without my phone. Its my bank card, my breakdown app is there, if I need to call for help it's there.
Unless they are going to the cinema or to someone's house I'd be saying no fucking way is she going out without her phone. I track mine too, so I know if the train is coming in etc.

Original poster
Lilo08 · 07/02/2024 00:12

The punishment may seem harsh but her rudeness was just getting out of hand to the point that she was doing it in front of family and friends and constantly giving back chat rolling eyes, putting us down etc.

we were at a family get together over the weekend and she was so rude in front of everyone. We love dd but we're finding it difficult to handle her

OP posts:
PlipPlopChoo · 07/02/2024 00:12

Friday is too long a punishment in my opinion, How about giving the phone to her to arrange and attend the night out. But upon return home she returns the phone and the punishment is extended for the duration she had the phone?

Either way you need to discuss punishments between you and make them proportional to the crime. Losing phone rights for one week for being moody seems a bit excessive.

ChangeAgain2 · 07/02/2024 00:12

I wouldn't have let her go out with her friends if she is being rude. I certainly would be undermining DH. the punishment should stand.

Original poster
Lilo08 · 07/02/2024 00:14

She's going out for a couple of hours in the afternoon, she doesnt have school tomorrow

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 07/02/2024 00:15

She is 15. It was in front of family, take it as a compliment she clearly feels very comfortable in front of them.

Perhaps at 15 some of her eye rolls might have been justified, it sounds like you baby her and maybe she wanted to show how adult she is to the rest of the family. Massive backfire.

The answer to moody teens is love bombing and piss taking. And being rude back in a jokey way. Not extreme punishments that breed resentment. Your dh sounds spiteful.

PlipPlopChoo · 07/02/2024 00:15

Unless you live in the Bronx a few hours meeting her friends without a phone is probably fine. In fact it might be liberating if they all do that. They might even speak to each other.

Singleandproud · 07/02/2024 00:16

A phone is a privilege and privileges can be lost.

Was she aware that her rude behave would result in her phone being confiscated for a week? If so then she knew the consequences of her actions and decided to be rude so needs to deal with it. Sanctions are meant to be a deterrent, an inconvenience if you go back on this now it's going to make parenting her going forward very difficult.

If this was a suprise sanction and she didn't know it was going to happen then that's trickier, you still need to back up DH. But next time layout clear expectations and their consequences. When she misbehaves or treats you disrespectfully she gets one reminder so that she can change her behaviour "Sally, I find your behaviour disrespectful, this is your warning before X,YZ happens" and then the phone gets removed.

Missing out on one social event is not the end of the world (unless it was something one off like tickets to Taylor Swift). If she doesn't meet up with them this week you can always help her arrange something in future.

If removing her smart phone is going to be a go to sanction but social events are fine for her to go to then you may want to get a Nokia dumb phone - some even come with WhatsApp that she can use instead. Ensuring she is contactable but without all the bells and whistles

PlipPlopChoo · 07/02/2024 00:17

She is 15. It was in front of family, take it as a compliment she clearly feels very comfortable in front of them

I am going to take the accuracy of OPs recollection over yours given that she was actually there. It sounds like the teenager was a right cowbag. No offence OP.

Compliment indeed 😂

Beamur · 07/02/2024 00:18

It really won't kill her to be without her phone for a couple of days.
Personally I think it probably was too long but I think you should support your DH this time.

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