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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Confiscated 15 year old DDs phone

42 replies

Lilo08 · 06/02/2024 23:10

Dd was extremely rude and shouty on Monday and it all escalated and took her phone. Dh told her she wouldn't be getting it back until Friday.
she had plans to see friends tomorrow and needs her phone but dh is sticking to his guns.
It has started another tantrum and I'm feeling sorry for her as she doesn't go out often.

What do I do? Is he right or should I give in?

Her rudeness is at its worst and she talks back all the time even in front of other people. I'm torn

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilo08 · 07/02/2024 00:19

@Singleandproud "Sally, I find your behaviour disrespectful, this is your warning before X,YZ happens"

this is exactly what we said. Her response was 'fine take my phone!'

OP posts:

Singleandproud · 07/02/2024 00:23

@Lilo08 so she made her choice. If you stick to it this time after she's experience missing her event or whatever then she is less likely to be so flippant next time. If you give in she's won and she'll keep behaving the same way.

Knackeredmommy · 07/02/2024 00:27

But no one is stopping her going out with her friends, she can still go, or she can stay at home and sulk because she didn't get her phone back..

caringcarer · 07/02/2024 01:07

Countrymouse85 · 06/02/2024 23:22

You need to stand your ground, she’ll remember this.

This. My Foster Son thought he could shout and be rude to us but has over time learned if he behaves badly there is a consequence. This might be no interest for 2 or 3 days. Now he thinks before he shouts so it doesn't tend to happen any more. He even asked me the other day in the car if I thought he had matured. I told him yes because instead of throwing a tantrum to get your own way, now you usually voice your reasons and try to convince us of your view by words. He thought about it for a moment then said he agreed. It was a nice satisfying moment. It's always easier to just give in but it doesn't teach them to curb their outburst.

caringcarer · 07/02/2024 01:08

Internet not interest.

PeopleAreWeird · 07/02/2024 01:13

You should be saying
‘You are lucky you are still going out’
And if you carry on, you wont be going !!!

She will never learn if you give her the phone , even just for the day

WhatNoUsername · 07/02/2024 16:17

PeopleAreWeird · 07/02/2024 01:13

You should be saying
‘You are lucky you are still going out’
And if you carry on, you wont be going !!!

She will never learn if you give her the phone , even just for the day

This. She doesn't need her phone to go out for a couple of hours. If there's no practical reason why she needs it (and you've.already suggested very valid options to negate any practical issues) and all she's upset about is that others will have theirs and she won't then that's just tough. Actions have consequences. Getting upset the first time these are enforced is par for the course (however hard that is for a parent to listen to!). But she won't learn if you give in. And you definitely need to present a united front with your DH.

Original poster

Lilo08 · 07/02/2024 22:35

thank you everyone for the great advice and toughening me up! I really needed that.

Dd woke up to a better mood and understood why the punishment still stood. She went without her fun with no fuss. I collected her and she seemed happy she was allowed to go out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilo08 · 07/02/2024 22:36

*without her phone

OP posts:

mikado1 · 07/02/2024 22:50

Well done op.

BedBugs5 · 09/02/2024 23:26

Seems ridiculously over the top to me. I also agree with the pp that a 15 year old going out with no phone is a potential safety risk in this day and age.

mikado1 · 10/02/2024 08:46

Did she and you survive it OP? It will be interesting to see if behaviour improves.

Farwell · 10/02/2024 08:52

The thing that stands out for me in all this is your husband's response. His unwillingness to discuss alternative solutions and to shut it down with 'you are on your own in future'. I know this incident has now passed, but that attitude really bothers me. You can't unilaterally decide to stop parenting unless it is done the way you think it should be.

Original poster

Lilo08 · 10/02/2024 10:50

@mikado1 we all survived it and so far she is doing well but it is early days. I don't expect this to be some magic that fixes our issues and but I feel maybe now she will take the threat of punishment more seriously.

@Farwell i agree when reading a small description of what's gone on dh sounds like a mean cold dad but in reality he's a loving dad, very hands on and supportive.
We have had similar incidents before but for some reason or another I never follow through on consequences because she knows I'm soft. This time dh said we have to follow through no matter what. There will always be something and that's the whole point of a punishment. I agree the 5 days was excessive but she really pushed us to that as we originally said 2 days.

it's a difficult journey and I really can't wait till we get our sweet girl back

OP posts:

cansu · 10/02/2024 19:23

You stick to what you have said. She can of course go out without her phone. She is manipulating you with tears and drama.

slipperypenguin · 11/02/2024 08:34

Farwell · 10/02/2024 08:52

You are right - you can't unilaterally decide to stop parenting, but equally you can't unilaterally decide to keep undermining the other parent because you are "a soft touch".

converseandjeans · 11/02/2024 10:28

I think she was given adequate warning & continued to be rude in front of family. That's not ok. You haven't stopped her going out.

You need to stick with it otherwise she will go behind DH back every time if she knows you will give in.

She will think next time before she rolls her eyes & shouts.

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