Can DD18 ever be happy?

[fffiona]

DD is 18. She has always been an incredibly negative child and young person. This is partly at least based in her experience - she has ADHD and struggles with school work and relationships. She has no hobbies really. Very few friends. She has seen a professional who says she is not depressed - just incredibly negative - and she has ongoing counselling. Every day she comes home saying she's had a dreadful day at college. She texts me constantly telling me what a bad day she's having. She hates everything. She is quite self - pitying, although to be fair, life is tough for her because of her ND, but she will never consider doing anything to help herself. She never remembers anything positive from her childhood - we can have an idyllic holiday and she will talk about the one time we had to wait for a train or something went wrong.

I've always thought "it will get better when she's older" but I'm now worried that it won't. She's a lovely, kind girl and we're very close but to be honest I do find it draining. I just want her to be happy, but am finding it increasingly difficult to believe that will happen. Any thoughts or ideas? Anyone's DC the same and found their feet later?

Has she ever had CBT? Or therapy targeted at negative thought processing and how to flip things?

CBT isn't that great, but it helped me with some of my spiralling thoughts.

@CornishPorsche that's what her counsellor was supposed to be doing with her, but to be honest I don't think she ever really engaged enough.

She's also very "young" for her age, which I think is a mixture of her ADHD (which slows development) and COVID which I think also limited her path to more independence.

I implemented a one complaint per person policy last year!

What would she say if you asked her to tell you just one good thing that had happened that day?

I think this is common in young people now. Maybe you should gently challenge her on it.

I have a very similar DD 17, she also has ASD alongside ADHD... Had years of camhs/therapy/CBT/DBT. Nothing helped. Also has hooked onto to the idea she's now "trans" and is insisting she will get "T" when she's 28

It's like living under a dark cloud forever in the threat of rain. It's exhausting and so very very sad

18 not 28...

I also closed the complaints department after dinner - it’s a survival instinct!!

Can you get her to start a gratitude journal or similar. She doesn’t even need to write it. Get her to tell you 3 things she’s grateful for that day. It’s really helped me see the positives in sometimes some very negative times

Thanks everyone! @stargirl1701 and @Scarletttulips I think I might have to implement this. @MILTOBE and @Gymmum82 she says "nothing" if I ask her that - she's tried gratitude journals in the past (and at primary school they tried to get her to do something like this) and it's fallen by the wayside after a few days. I could suggest again maybe and say I'll do it with her and we can share our thoughts - she quite like that sort of thing. @cansu I do try and challenge but we haven't really got anywhere - if you can suggest and particular approaches that might make her think that would be great. @crazyBadger sorry to hear you're going through similar.

Tell her nothing isn’t an answer. There is AWAYS something to be grateful for. She could be grateful she has a loving mum for a start. That she has a warm bed to sleep in. That she has the means to get an education. That she has food to eat. Friends. Pets. Siblings. That she could buy herself a coffee this morning. Happiness comes from being grateful for the little things. The little moments. Not the very big things and you have to appreciate those moments. It sounds like she doesn’t really appreciate anything?

@Gymmum82 that's exactly what I want her to appreciate somehow. In many ways she has a lovely life even if she does have her difficulties. We're close. We have enough money for her to have treats and do nice things sometimes. She's healthy. It's like she can't even acknowledge this. She will suddenly start talking about how stressful it will be to manage her finances if she goes to university and how she'll have to get huge loans, when we've told her many times that we are lucky enough to have enough money to make things easier for her.

You say she’s not depressed but she certainly sounds like she has low mood. Does she exercise at all? Perhaps that would help release some endorphins and lift her mood somewhat

At some point you have to be a little more direct maybe. If she has been moaning excessively then maybe you should say so. E.g. I appreciate somethings have been tricky today but you are being overly negative. Let's talk about something else. She needs to understand that constantly harping on negatives might limit her ability to make and keep friends.

@Gymmum82 she has joined a gym and was going but has stopped in the last few weeks due to workload (which to be honest is quite vast at the moment) and she hasn't been well. I'll encourage her to take that up again as she said it did make her feel better (although there was no real evidence). Her diet is appalling (we provide healthy food at home but she buys loads of sugary crap) and don't think that helps either. @cansu I'll try and push back more consistently - she gets quite cross but think you're right.

i see the counsellor doesnt think she is depressed but i wonder if medication might be worth exploring as she does sound quite hard to reach and it can just lift stuff enough to make therapy more effective. Dd is a bit younger and is on fluoxetine (prozac) and concerta (ritalin). She has ASD and ADHD and they have really helped us. She’s also seeing a therapist

My DD (autistic) is similar in attitude most of the time.
Sometimes I can break through to her a bit by sharing my own gratitude journal entries with her. I only do mine a few times a week rather than every day (or it tends to get really superficial and irritating!).
Is your DD anxious a lot of (or all of) the time as well? Mine says she doesn't remember things that have happened sometimes straight after the event if she was stressed.
If she's very anxious this can have a massive effect on her life and her outlook without being depressed. Propranolol (betablocker) improved things for me - gave me the headspace to put CBT skills into practice with the physical symptoms of anxiety lessened.

@Mediumred she has also been seen by a psychiatrist (who prescribes her ADHD medication) who is adamant she's not depressed, so not sure how we could get medication from the GP? @QuickFetchTheCoffee she is anxious, but I wouldn't say enough to require medication.

There was a really good illustration of how she is this morning - she got some really good news (actually quite important) and texted me. Five minutes later she texted me about a minor inconvenience (wrong food order) and this completely overtook the good news she had had shortly before.

One idea: Can you just give the briefest validation of the negative "Oh that sounds difficult"- said sincerely, but quickly move on. Really focus your reaction/ attention/ praise/ emotional energy on the positives, however small and even if you have to point them out first.
I can see she can't do the 3 gratitudes and go to the gym without external help. That's probably the adhd brain. She will need more support (from you! its not fair but that's how it is) as she doesn't have the ability to remain motivated and get herself on tasks like this and sustain it when it's hard.

@flitch - yes I agree, I need to keep engaging with her and supporting her but try and reorientate to a more positive approach. I think I've just got a bit bogged down. I don't have time at the moment to go to the gym with her but can try and make it easier for her and encourage her. Will also try the joint gratitudes (wouldn't do me any harm!).

Hi OP, I have one a couple of years younger who is very similar.

She's pretty self aware though and has said that she thinks that her ADHD makes her feel that she's not of any value as a person unless she's having some sort of drama/problem and this often manifests as doom and gloom.

The only thing I have found that helps is physical activity and keeping her busy. We gym, go out for walks - but this is casual as opposed to organised activities, the thought of them can be exhausting for her - and also getting her involved in hobbies. We got her a pet that involves a lot of research and input from her. This has helped somewhat.

My thoughts are with you, I don't think there's a quick fix, or perhaps any fix, and it's exhausting.

Hi@Pr0fessionalLurker I think a lot of it is linked to self-worth, and also she has the rejection sensitivity dysphoria linked to ADHD in spades. I would love to get her to exercise more - she's overweight - but at the moment she is really strapped for time as has a huge amount of college work (she gets very overwhelmed and is very slow) as well as various other things so definitely something to work on after her exams and maybe we can do stuff together. She has no real hobbies (tried load of things when younger but nothing "stuck") and do think this would also be really good for her if she could find something.

I also recognise this - my daughter has ADHD and catastrophises everything. The smallest thing is a drama and she panics. She's 20 this year and is calming down now but between 15 and 18 was really difficult. I've come to realise that, while she is negative, part of it is just venting and if I don't give it airtime, she will move on quicker. My natural instinct to want to protect her and be her fixer actually makes it worse. I now use a "that sounds tough, darling, but I'm sure you'll figure out how to solve it" response to most things. If she genuinely needs my help she will ask me outright, if not I assume she is just venting.

I have a 17 Dd Audhd.

Ive implemented a 3 moans a day policy.