Can DD18 ever be happy?

[fffiona]

DD is 18. She has always been an incredibly negative child and young person. This is partly at least based in her experience - she has ADHD and struggles with school work and relationships. She has no hobbies really. Very few friends. She has seen a professional who says she is not depressed - just incredibly negative - and she has ongoing counselling. Every day she comes home saying she's had a dreadful day at college. She texts me constantly telling me what a bad day she's having. She hates everything. She is quite self - pitying, although to be fair, life is tough for her because of her ND, but she will never consider doing anything to help herself. She never remembers anything positive from her childhood - we can have an idyllic holiday and she will talk about the one time we had to wait for a train or something went wrong.

I've always thought "it will get better when she's older" but I'm now worried that it won't. She's a lovely, kind girl and we're very close but to be honest I do find it draining. I just want her to be happy, but am finding it increasingly difficult to believe that will happen. Any thoughts or ideas? Anyone's DC the same and found their feet later?

@Madickenxx Thanks - glad to hear it's calming down. Yes, I think I need to stop facilitating her - my normal reaction is always to do something to try and make her happier and less stressed, but I think I have to step back. @ArseInTheCoOpWindow (love the name, by they way) yes, this is a possible strategy, but do you also limit he length of the moan? She can go on about one thing ad infinitem!

I think it's a common reaction @fffiona; to try and help and make them feel better. I am a bit of a fixer so this is always my default reaction though I recognise it and try to step back. I certainly appreciate it's probably more sensible to try and get them to resolve by themselves or just make supportive noises. If nothing else there's a limit to what you can give.

I am following with interest.

My DC is 12 and has been like this since age six or seven. Very sporty and I definitely notice a decline in mood if not doing sports.

I tried being sympathetic, empathic, gratitude journals, one to one, being direct, setting a time limit on complaints.
All to no avail.

DC is bright, anxious and a thinker.

I find it exhausting and the negativity rubs off on DC2.

I am prone to depression and worry awfully this is genetic.

Placemarking! I've got one like this too.

I try to limit length and amount. Doesn’t always work.

Often it’s about reassurance though. And we go through every thing bit by bit.

Last night it was non stop for about 25 minutes. I was climbing the walls. I told her to stop eventually and she did.

What do you say do that she stops and listens?

My DC just keeps going on and on and on. Everything is unfair, Everybody is picking on them. What’s the point of anything.

Even the nicest thing can be turned on its head. DC received the ‘worst’ Secret Santa gift in the class, Lost the match because somebody else didn’t play fairly and the goal shouldn’t have been allowed. Missed a question in a test because the teacher didn’t specify the correct year.

It is endless.

I say something like.

l know your really stressed and need to offload but could we just have a little tiny break from it’

She oftem says she likes to complain.
Somwtimes she kicks off, sometimes she shuts up. Yesterday was a good day.

Two in the family have a tendency to look on the dark side of everything. It has sometimes taken over in the way it has with your daughter. You have all my sympathy - it is exhausting! Living with a real (One Foot In The Grave) Victor Meldrew would have been similar no doubt.

Here some of it is perhaps natural temperament but some of it is relieving stress and looking for reassurance. However, it gets to be a habit of mind too easily!

I agree that not offering solutions - just sympathy is the way to go at 18.

Let her 'sound off' but also ask questions that let her find her own way out of what is grim? (It is hard not to try to 'fix' everything but trying to do it makes you sort of responsible.)

When ours were small we would all play Pollyanna's 'Glad game'. (Extreme 'looking on the bright side') Amazingly, getting 'points' and being 'the winner' for finding the positive in impossible negatives got to be fun. (Now they are adults they still laughingly do this.)

The film's example of being delivered crutches instead of Christmas presents is hard to beat.

Coming up with 'glad' things about your own misfortunes is tough but can be done. (It is usually too easy to come up with these for others and rarely acceptable to them!) Finding a way of doing this for yourself is great life learning.

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs - we used to play "the glad game" at work! Maybe it would appeal to her humour

My autistic brother is a “Debbie downer”. He has grown out of it to some extent though and now has the self-awareness to say that he does not want to be so negative/bitter about life and his perspective in general has improved. I do wonder if he got it from our dad who had a lot of mental health/addition problems.

It is a wonderfully contrary game :) (That worked for our down-beaters.)

Glad to find this thread as I have one of these DDs as well. Mine is 14 in Y10. Sometimes, usually, I cope well with it but it’s really got to me this week. I’ve upset her tonight by suggesting that she might show some gratitude, but it was a stupid thing to say as it only makes things worse.
She’s very anxious, but it’s the unwillingness to try anything that might help that gets to me. She’s determined not to change in any way.
Thanks for letting me sound off. I wouldn’t express this to her. Not sure how to repair tonight though and actually dreading half term.

my ds, now 20 and in 2nd yr at uni, was (is) very similar. Also undiagnosed autistic.
he still, and will always I suspect, tend towards the negative at any given time. No real friends at school, bullied for a while, didn’t leave the house between 14-16 etc.

With regards to being grateful for loving parents, nice house/food/holidays etc he believes that that should be a norm, not exception, so nothing to be grateful for per se.

he’s now 20, physically gorgeous and at the highest rated uni in the uK, has real friends who love him, a beautiful understanding girlfriend, and is fantastically lucky, and yet can still act as though the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

however, and to give you hope, he can now put his opinions in marginally more perspective than he would have done a couple of years ago. He can (almost) laugh at himself, and is beginning to check himself when he realises he’s being unreasonable.
With more exposure to the rest of the world he can reflect on his circumstances, and he does so positively.

give it (more) time. The only thing I personally did which helped was not to feed the wrong wolf - if you understand the reference? Briefly sympathise if you seriously think a situation warrants it, otherwise ignore, walk away, or move on to a less contentious subject.
Show real support and interest in any attempt at positivity, and praise (even if it feels ridiculous) enthusiasm in anything - slowly my ds is learning that he gets so much more attention (which is what we all crave after all) when he’s demonstrating an ability to be more balanced.

Some of them are a work in progress until we die I think.

re-reading my previous post I should add, he can now be a complete joy, which I never would have said even a couple of years ago. He’s appreciative (of us!) in ways I never would have predicted, and has more lightness in his soul. Hang in there…

I have one like this though she is older. Sick of it tbh. Picking up some tips here.

@crazyBadger exactly the same, word for word. I'm sick of having to be Polly Positive all the time and I could genuinely scream every time the "I feel shit" texts come through.

Irritatingly, despite lots of shit things happening, I am a glass half full person and happy with a lovely walk and a happy, healthy family and maybe a trip to the pub.

However, DS is testing this positivity daily

I do like the idea of not feeding the wrong wolf. I try this, not always successfully!
Repair happened this evening with a cuddle, a big cry (her), me ‘guessing’ the real reason, and agreeing a solution together. And m&ms

Thanks all, and sorry that many of you have similar issues. I really identify with @DungareesAndTrombones about the texts, and agree it's exhausting. @Member786488 good to know there may be light at the end of the tunnel. I have I think, become better at not feeding the wrong wolf but she is still just so needy, which I really didn't expect at 18.