dd14’s behaviour makes me want a break

[Frazzledmum11]

My dd14’s behaviour has been progressively difficult over the past few years. It has reached the point that I am feeling really depressed. I have spoken to my doctor dd has had counselling both out of school and in school and I am on anti depressants.
I know that in the realm of teenage behaviours it isn’t the worse but every day begins with her yelling and shouting at me because she is unable to get ready for school on time and she hates me ‘nagging’ her to get ready and leave on time. She is always unprepared and disorganised and her work is stuffed into her bag last minute. If I try to help her the night before it causes a row. she eint help with anything at home. I could go on and on. I spent the first few days of the new year in tears because I can’t face another year like the one before.
At weekends I look forward to a break from arguing about school but she’s always seems to create a row with me anyway. She has isolated herself from any friends she has made and I can see that her behaviour can be interpreted as weird. She will not take on any advice that myself, family or counsellors offer.
i am contemplating leaving the home for a few days as I need a break from her. My husband understands, my ds13 would be sad jf i left. i feel that i am at breaking point, nothing i do seems to have any positive effect. i am worried that leaving may make things worse and affect my relationship with ds and dh.

Has anyone ever mentioned SEN?

I’ve been thinking for a little while that she may have sen. When I have looked at getting her diagnosed it’s very expensive and we are struggling financially. Would having a diagnosis help things?

So, what happens if you do nothing and just make sympathetic noises?

ignore the shouting about not being able to find xyz, running late, where is my PE kit and so on… can you just try “oh no, DD. Hope you find it. Good luck. I’m going back to bed with my cup of tea. Hope you sort it out!”?

if within a couple of weeks that doesn’t resolve the issue you def Need to consider undiagnosed SEN as others have said.

For context my DD has ADHD but has learned coping strategies through necessity as I work very full time and can’t manage her life. It’s hard but visual planners and knowing I can’t do it for her, have helped.

Thanks so much I really appreciate your replies. If I leave her to it she misses the school bus and the only other way for her to get there is me driving her which is hour round trip for me. She is on a waiting list for a closer school- which she is furious about.

I think this is part of the problem as I work for myself and at home she feels that I am always available. Maybe making myself less available would make her need to be more responsible?

Do, what happens if she misses the bus and you don’t take her? That would be my strategy. At the moment she knows if she misses the bus mum will take her in the car. You could take that support away. This is what would have happened when I was at school. The school would have been on me like a ton of bricks, my parents would never have dreamed of taking me had I got up too late to get the bus, and similarly if my DD misses her bus she is late and gets a detention.

It sounds like she's really struggling to motivate and organise herself which can be signs she has additional needs but even a diagnosis will not help her deal with the things she is struggling with.

You need to put in place systems that will help her. Timers, charts, reminders via visual cues and if she refuses to engage explain the consequences. Teens are often reluctant to accept help, would she consider an Alexa which she could use to prompt and remind her ?

*so, not Do

I think I’m going to try that next week I am so cross with the stress of it all. I could take myself and my laptop off early to work from gym nearby and leave her to it…

It can be very tempting if kids have additional needs, to overcompensate. But you’re doing no favors actually in the long run.
additional needs or no, your DD will need to function in a society that demands organization, self-sufficiency, motivation and responsibility. Kids with additional needs can be very resourceful and mature beyond their years if they have to be, because they fail sooner and faster otherwise.

I have tried different strategies but it very much feels like she is compelled to create chaos if that makes sense, like she needs the argument before she goes to school.

Go for it. Either the issue will resolve within the week or get much worse. You’ll have your answer and will be far less stressed either way.

Would having a diagnosis help things?

It would help her to understand herself and why she struggles with things other people can manage easily. As a family you could work on strategies to help her with her rage and disorganisation. School could offer support also.

Did things start to go pear shaped when she started secondary school? This is a very common time for ND kids to suddenly find themselves not coping. The jump from primary to secondary is a lot.

You say she struggles with friendships and think she comes across as “weird”? It would be worth doing some research into autism and girls.

Definitely sounds like she is kicking off because you are her safe person and this is a bit harder for her than some other kids. Thing is she needs to learn to deal, without her punchbag so get yourself out of the door and leave her to it.

I think I have definitely overcompensated I am at the point now where I am doing everything I can think of to make things easier for her which is crazy but I’ve ended up doing it all in the hope for a nicer calmer atmosphere! I will try to pull back make myself less available and see how it goes…

Thanks for your replies it’s really useful I really appreciate your advice

Looking back I think there have always been some problems socially but as my first child I just kind of accepted it and tried my best to help resolve things. Things did get worse towards end of primary but it all coincided with lock down so I put it down to her finding it difficult being back in a school setting after home schooling.

I currently drive my 14 year old to school most days. He catches the bus maybe once a week. I wake him up with coffee in bed. Give him 5-10 minutes with a lamp on before getting him up. He is very grumpy and I have learnt to let it wash over me and keep younger brother out of the way. I get what people are saying about learning responsibility but I really feel for my young teen just getting through school is as much as he can do right now. Don’t underestimate how stressful school can be without the security of a reliable tight friendship group. It can be really hard.
i can’t imagine the prospect of changing school is easy either. Presumably she would get a choice in that?

I’ve tried bringing her a cup of tea and breakfast in bed to make the start of day a bit easier and drive her the 2 mins to the bus stop. I don’t mind doing this if I was treated nicely in return but the morning always descends into her yelling at me the closer it gets to leaving home. The idea of changing school was to make the journey to school much quicker and make it possible for her to make her own way there. She complains about the school she is at so I considered a new start for her. She won’t be made to change schools if she’s offered a place but doesn’t want to go.

She had made friends that have invited her along to parties and days out but she won’t reciprocate and I feel that it’s created a distance so she’s not included as much anymore

Sounds very much like my ADHD DD 14 Read up on ADHD in girls. Even if she's not, some of the strategies might help. Recommend a book called 'how not to murder your ADHD child' . It's brilliant

Thanks I’ll look up the book the title sounds good!

My DD goes mad the more I nag.
School mornings were hideous.
Just winds her up until she screams back at me.
Now we have three set times she has to work to
Get up by x
Get dressed etc by Y
Leave by z
Works better.
Still right on the last min every day.

Book ordered- such good reviews and hope it could give me an insight 🙏