dd14’s behaviour makes me want a break

[Frazzledmum11]

My dd14’s behaviour has been progressively difficult over the past few years. It has reached the point that I am feeling really depressed. I have spoken to my doctor dd has had counselling both out of school and in school and I am on anti depressants.
I know that in the realm of teenage behaviours it isn’t the worse but every day begins with her yelling and shouting at me because she is unable to get ready for school on time and she hates me ‘nagging’ her to get ready and leave on time. She is always unprepared and disorganised and her work is stuffed into her bag last minute. If I try to help her the night before it causes a row. she eint help with anything at home. I could go on and on. I spent the first few days of the new year in tears because I can’t face another year like the one before.
At weekends I look forward to a break from arguing about school but she’s always seems to create a row with me anyway. She has isolated herself from any friends she has made and I can see that her behaviour can be interpreted as weird. She will not take on any advice that myself, family or counsellors offer.
i am contemplating leaving the home for a few days as I need a break from her. My husband understands, my ds13 would be sad jf i left. i feel that i am at breaking point, nothing i do seems to have any positive effect. i am worried that leaving may make things worse and affect my relationship with ds and dh.

My friend has an autistic child and I know many others. Not immediately obvious and each presents slightly differently. Often similar traits to ADHD. But the seeming inability to do 'normal' tasks 'normally' now makes me spot ND. Never occurred to me that my child who was always a handful was Sen.. until high school

Shes old enough to take responsibility for herself. I’d set firm boundaries, then leave her to it. If she misses the bus she’ll have to get a later one, be late and face the consequences.

Don’t engage in pointless arguments with her. If she chooses not to accept invitations then that’s her call, and you’re not there to ferry her around and entertain her. Even if she does have any issues, boundaries and structure will help.

Sounds like ASD/ ADHD; she's probably very anxious about going to school too. It's very frustrating for you but try to look at the underlying causes. The book you've ordered sounds good.

I have DDs 15 & 13. The youngest really struggled in the morning to be organised and on time. I set really clear structures in place for her. Bag packed together always before bed. A checklist for the morning with timings beside them. And I also organised for her to see a counsellor. I felt there was an underlying wish that she didn’t have to go to school. It transpires that she was suffering with terrible anxiety. I diarised specific times to spend just with her, where there was no stress. We read books together, watched a movie. Made pancakes. As far as shouting at you or being rude, I would be ensure there were consequences for that unacceptable behaviour. With regards to helping in the house it’s a non negotiable. But again that takes effort on our part. It took me weeks to teach my DDs how to strip and make their beds, sort their laundry, clean their rooms … In tiny bite size pieces over and over. And I’ve attended two parenting courses … If we want motivated, engaged children we have to model that behaviour.

OP my daughter has ADHD diagnosed when she was six. She takes medication on schooldays. Her transition to secondary school was hard. It's a very strict school and she had loads of detentions for seemingly quite minor things.

Quite honestly it has been the making of her. She has made planners, hangs her lanyard somewhere where it's impossible to forget, and homework is always done. I am so proud of her.

I do get her up in the morning, make her breakfast and all her clothes are washed ironed and ready for her.

Up until a year ago I still had the constant mantra of "hair and teeth, hair and teeth" but I imagine she has it in her own head now.

So what I'm saying is that it was when I couldn't smooth the path for her and she experienced the consequences that she really stepped up.

My Dd has adhd and SPD and attachment disorder. She struggles with transitions. Could this be a part of it? We could shout all we want but it is something she can't help. She also has an issue with when she is asked to do something she may not want to do she freezes then if pushed becomes aggressive and mouthy. It's a fight flight response. We have only just found this out but it makes so much sense and her knowing there is a reason for this makes it much easier to cope with. So for example if I ask her to put her plate in the kitchen and she doesn't do it, I ask again, she has heard and will do it but because I keep going on she will be frustrated and shout. What is needed is to leave her alone, let her calm down and then she can listen. (This isn't a real example. I know what she is like but it's similar to what happens to her at school). Fight/flight/avoidance/agression.

How are things OP? I just wanted to mention the "right to choose" route if you were thinking of getting her a possible diagnosis.

Yes how's things? I've been at breaking point with my DD this week. Won't do anything. Won't come off screens. Rude. Violent outbursts etc

Op if your daughter has SEN - (I was wondering autism when you mentioned other people thinking she is wierd - my daughter is autistic) then you can't parent in the same way you would a child who is not neurodiverse

it's not about over compensating that's not a helpful way to look at it.

can you read up on PDA - pathalogical demand avoidance - it's an autistic related trait which essentially means children / young people find all demands anxiety inducing

you do NOT have to put up being treated like shit etc - BUT - if you understand your child is neurodiverse you will be able to put different ways of supporting them in place.

Your daughter would then feel more understood - school would help more etc

your daughter is probably totally overwhelmed by outside life/ school and tkaing it all out on you - it's very very common among ND kids who are barely coping in school.

once you get a diagnosis (if you do_ ) you will then also have support groups/ other parents who are going through what you are. it does really help.