Need perspective

[Tiredmamma80]

16 year old son has been going through a lot recently, being tested for ADHD/autism and is in touch with CAHMS. His struggles come out as anger, can't manage his emotions etc he has self harmed in the past and talks a lot about "wanting it to be over" He is out working but needs a lot of support and because he hides it at work then offload happens in the house. His latest thing is a dirt bike which we have no where for him to ride, we have forbidden him from riding the bike but he has kicked off royally, saying we have taken the only thing that gave him joy, this is all he has, he needs this to take his mind of his dark thoughts....so what I hear is "if you don't turn a blind eye to this I will hurt myself again or worse", husband thinks it's emotional blackmail, but I believe he believes this is how he is feeling. Is it a case of "it is what it is" I don't even know what I am asking, just reassurance maybe that I'm right to stick to my guns on this one. Just as an FYI he wasn't going crazy on the streets, he was pushing it to local playing pitches, so not so worried about him hurting himself on the bike, more so that it is anti social and illegal activity

I don't understand why you and your husband don't want him to have/ride his bike?

Is it a motorised bike?

I mean, I wouldn't have bought it for him personally, because as you say it is anti social to use in public places.

Suicide is the leading cause of death in teenagers. I would let you son ride his bike. Even though you and your husband are probably ashamed of your son on his dirty bike in front of friends and neighbours. Can you maybe buy him a decent one? I know your son doesn't sound loveable at present. But children need love most when they least deserve it. You and your husband is the best hope he has of making it in this world

It isn't a road legal bike and legally can only be used on private land which we don't have, I don't want him to get stopped by the police and end up losing his license before he even can apply

He bought it with his own money, I came home from work and there it was. The original plan was just something for him to tinker about working on in the shed, but now he has got it up and running he wants to take it out. But like I said, it isn't a road legal bike so if stopped by police there will be consequences

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/latest-statistics/#:~:text=Suicide%20is%20the%20main%20cause,take%20their%20lives%20each%20day.

Have you explained all of this to him, or is he just not listening when you try?

It isn't a dirty bike, it's a dirt bike, so like a scrambler type motorbike that isn't allowed on the roads

Is anyone listening to the teenager? Suicide idealation is a massive red flag and OUGHT to be taken seriously.

Have you googled your local area's name and then motocross/dirt biking?

Is there a track he can go to/use locally?

OP I know how hard it is to be on this tightrope, you think it’s all down to you and one false move means plummeting to disaster. I promise this is not the case. Your son is fragile but statistically YOU WILL ALL GET THROUGH THIS.

I would not forbid him from the dirt bike but i also wouldn’t approve. Is there any sort of middle ground - is there anywhere he can ride it at all? Or somewhere less likely to be caught… or can you keep letting the tyres down… I think you need to try and distract rather than control or confront…

You cannot seriously be suggesting that OPs uninsured, unlicensed son should just be allowed to use his dirt bike willy nilly on public roads/the local park. It is dangerous and irresponsible.

There are outlets for him to use his bike safely (as I've suggested above and OP should explore those)

As long as he is insured, etc. what's the problem @Tiredmamma80 ?

Believe me we are listening loud and clear but I don't think the police bringing him to my door and asking why we let him engage in a danger and illegal activity will accept that as a reason, surely it is better for us to try and find a better outlet for him which we are trying to desperately. We have got him support, he has open communication with us, but letting him out on an illegal motorbike where he could hurt himself or someone else doesn't feel right even if he is saying it is what makes him feel better, but I am open to hearing how others would handle it

@Kosenrufugirl this is not helpful. Of course they are listening to their son and of course they are taking it seriously.

It is a very fine line to tread when their mental health is precarious BUT riding the bike illegally and losing his chance of getting a licence is not the answer. Not to mention the danger element to himself and others of using a dirt bike on the road.

He isn't insured, thats the issue, these types of bikes can't be insured as they aren't road legal. We have begged he waits 4 more months until he can do all this legally but he just isn't listening

I don't know much about dirt biking but is there a track locally where he could use it legally?

Oh I see - it's his age? He needs to be 17 to use it legally?

My understanding is that they aren't road legal at all.

Thank you, you have explained it perfectly! He has had it for a few months and the distraction technique has worked until recently where he attempted to take it out on the roads at 10pm, no lights or anything on this thing and it forced me to do a form no, which never lands well with him. I have said we will get a trailer and take him somewhere quiet, but again he can't/won't wait

Ok that makes sense @Tiredmamma80 sorry, I thought it was a bicycle at first 🙄

He needs to be 17 to be legal for a motorbike yes, but even at that, this bike isn't allowed on the roads at all, but if he would just wait he could get a road legal one, insure it etc but that isn't good enough for him

Is there nowhere it could be ridden, even if you have to drive him there?

It clearly means a lot to him and he sees it as something that will get him through this difficult patch, so I think you need to pull out all the stops to help him do this. Is there a local biking/scrambling club he could join who might be able to help with transport to ride it? Who did he buy it from? - they might know.

Well that's rather brilliant that you are getting a trailer, that's great. Could someone else explain to him why he has to wait until he's 17 and that it can only be ridden on private land? A friend, uncle, policeman? Anything coming from parents is often like a red flag to a bull at that age.

Could he ride other bikes at a dirt track in the meantime?