Need perspective

[Tiredmamma80]

16 year old son has been going through a lot recently, being tested for ADHD/autism and is in touch with CAHMS. His struggles come out as anger, can't manage his emotions etc he has self harmed in the past and talks a lot about "wanting it to be over" He is out working but needs a lot of support and because he hides it at work then offload happens in the house. His latest thing is a dirt bike which we have no where for him to ride, we have forbidden him from riding the bike but he has kicked off royally, saying we have taken the only thing that gave him joy, this is all he has, he needs this to take his mind of his dark thoughts....so what I hear is "if you don't turn a blind eye to this I will hurt myself again or worse", husband thinks it's emotional blackmail, but I believe he believes this is how he is feeling. Is it a case of "it is what it is" I don't even know what I am asking, just reassurance maybe that I'm right to stick to my guns on this one. Just as an FYI he wasn't going crazy on the streets, he was pushing it to local playing pitches, so not so worried about him hurting himself on the bike, more so that it is anti social and illegal activity

Speaking as someone who was seriously injured (ripped open, skin grafts etc) by a bike like this being used in a public space (the kind of space where people stroll, walk dogs, push babies in buggies etc) - It came round a bend doing 40, smashed into me and put me in hospital and changed my life (rider/s never caught) and I have scars and was lucky not to lose my leg.

I'd say, that while I'm sympathetic to how your son feels, you can't just let him head out on the bike where it is inevitable he will use it's power and speed in places where other users of the space are not expecting, nor should they expect, a motorised bike.

A teen lad can't be expected to ride sedately, and not be tempted to open the throttle and whizz around. Even if he is super careful of where and how he rides (and no guarantee he will be all the time) he will be intimidating other users of the space because people who blast around on a bike in spaces where they should not be often are defensive / aggro with it. I remember calmly telling one such rider (who has just nearly hit my dog) that it wasn't ok, and got a mouthful of abuse (which shook me up as this was after my accident).

So, even if your lad has a heart of gold and wouldn't argue back if challenged, others don't know that and will feel intimidated because one inconsiderate rider looks much like another.

In your shoes I would be doing all in my power to facilitate this interest in a constructive way, and taking him to clubs / courses where this stuff is ok and can happen in the right way. I would tell him this is a condition of you accepting the bike usage.
I would not condone it being used how he feels like it and ignoring rules which are they're for good reason.
I would not ignore his deep sadness and just be obstructive.
I would try to find a way to make it happen the right way.

Then why the delay? Get a trailer and go with him.
Get him to research secondhand trailers and find one you can go and view. Get him to check it over make sure the brakes work etc.
Ask about locally for scramble club recommendations/locations - get him to investigate where he can go. And take him.

We have to get a towbar fitted to the car which is the only real delay, we are trying to get a mechanic to sort this out for us, this is a very simple solution in normal circumstances, unfortunately my son can't apply reason when he gets fixated on something and it has to be done like yesterday!

Sounds like a teenager. Life is too short, not a second to waste!

@Tiredmamma80
I'd get him to do some research look into scramble clubs and find out where they go etc. What kit will he need? (Helmet, gloves etc will undoubtedly have to be of a certain safety specification) Where will you get it from? Prices etc Keep him busy on research.
You can take him along to watch some scramble action if you can find anything, till you have everything sorted to take him.

Thank you, absolutely correct, he has been having regular sessions with CAHMS, he was in a much better place recently and had been doing well, not ok.but better, he has been recommended to be put on antidepressants (appointment with consultant is in Feb) but that's a whole other thread 🤦🏻‍♀️ we are trying to deal with the root cause and give him the tools he needs to handle these situations, I try to avoid a firm no with him as it is a definite trigger, we usually have to have a conversation and he will come to the conclusion himself, but on this occasion I felt safety (his and others) had to take priority but the fall out of it has not been pleasant

He is impulsive, seeking some kind of ‘success’ and freedom, and wants to be in control- is there anything else that could satisfy all those emotions but more helpfully - maybe there is a distraction that is not obvious? Does he play any type of musical instrument- honestly I know it sounds bonkers but my DS randomly taught himself how to play some sort of rap thing on the keyboard (from one I borrowed and was just available in the house iyswim). In the darkest of times it can be wierd straws you clutch at, that end up being helpful!

Great idea, he is struggling with being around people but desperately wants to "do something" this could be a good idea, thank you

sorry posted on wrong thread!