My 17 year old appears to hate me

[iamstrugglingalot]

I didn't know what else to put as the title but this is how it feels. She talks to me like utter shit, or blanks me completely. She is reluctant to do even the smallest of things to help at home, huffs and puffs when I ask her to pull her weight. I have chronic health problems and when they flare up I ask her occasionally for a bit of support with her younger sister (this is infrequently, maybe once every few months I may ask her if I'm desperate) - she doesn't appear to have any empathy and will literally watch me struggle on. I do anything and everything I can for her - she asks for a lot of lifts here and there and cash etc, I give her what I can. I'm just at a loss. We used to be close and now she's basically a stranger. I hate saying this but I actually feel like I dislike her at this point.

Please don't be horrible - I'm in a really low place with it all and feel I've literally failed as a mum. 😢

Anyone?

At some part of the teenager years it is going to happen that you begin to hate your child's behaviour and attitude.
Reduce the $ and the taxis service and lay down some common decent acceptable behaviour while in your house.
Do you have a family member who can help and back you up.

It is later in a teens stage so you have got through at lot already.
Tell the kid to get some respect and manners.
If only we had a magic wand to avoid this really ghastly behaviour.
Better yet tell them to get a part time job and earn a income and life for when they plan to move on out.

Thanks for your reply. She has a part time job which she does around college.

I can't shake the feeling that I've somehow failed to be treated this badly by her. She used to be a lovely little girl, the same as her little sister is now. What if I also lose my second little girl when she hits the teens? 😢

I think it's normal to be immensely irritated by your mother at times, however much you love her. My DM lives with is and is 84, and I'm 48, and though I love her dearly and she is lovely I still think grrrr! occasionally (though try not to show it).

DDs (18 and 14) have a grizzle at me too. I try to stay calm and let them know if they are being unreasonable and rude. It's part of gaining independence and wanting to do things our own way. After a few years you realise, if you have a nice mum, that she was right about so many things.

So it just a case of accepting that you effectively have to lose your sweet child when they hit late teens? Which means I'll be losing a second one too 😭

Also can you try and connect with her about things she is interested in so it's not all arguing or asking for her help? I can connect over music and films with DDs and DD2 likes to beat me soundly at FC24 on the PS5.

We are still modelling behaviour to them as experienced adults so it's up to us to approach them sometimes. They are disconnecting, that's natural, but they still like the connection, however much they seem irritated by it/you at times.

I always felt that teenagers were 'made' like this so that it's easier for parents to let them go as they grow up (and for them to find themselves).They soon turn back into lovely, kind people once they hit early twenties.

I think you have to accept they will become a teenager, yes, and that they are their own individual people.

DD2's personality is very different from DD1. In some ways she has caused me more trouble as a teenager but in character is a lot less Kevin the Teenager and still more sweet natured and approachable. Whereas DD1 has been a grumpy bum since she was a baby/toddler and didn't change very much at all but is also very mature for her age in other ways and extremely thoughtful and responsible.

Is it possible she hates me because I had a second child when she'd been an only child for so long? I try to divide my time as much as I can but the smaller one obviously needs me in a very different more hands on way, so takes up more of my time naturally. But she can't punish me forever for daring to become a mum again can she? That doesn't seem right. That's how it feels sometimes.

You haven't failed, it's normal. Set minimum tasks for her to do (my 18 yo does a bit of housework routinely) and if she fails, withdraw cash & favours. It will (probably) pass. My 21yo is quite decent now.

@shearwater2

It's a marked change, she was a sweet gorgeous little girl but something changed around mid teens, I'd say 15 ish onwards it changed.

Just hitting this phase with my eldest, it's like every request is just met with disdain!

Luckily DH takes none of it and pulls up rudeness every time, but I think me being more supportive and passive (in want of a better word!) Just signals I'm not worth respect.

I felt similar with my mum, just the rage that she was there - so I'm trying not to take it personally, and focusing on the kind of relationship I want with them in five years time, rather than the current crapness - as I still want the washing up done in the future, I'll put up with the flouncing for now.

I felt similar with my mum, just the rage that she was there

See, this makes me so sad as someone who lost her mum as a child. I'd have given literally anything to have her around growing up. That's making it all the harder to accept this apparent hatred my daughter has for me. To even have a loving mum present in her life growing up makes her more fortunate than I was.

My DD is 18 and slowly, albeit very slowly, coming back to me.

I still can't kiss or cuddle her. If I ask for a kiss she bows her head so I have to kiss the top of her head! Soooo annoying.

She still won't watch a film with me or willingly spend time with me, but she is getting there slowly.

I was a horrendous teenager so I've got the daughter I deserve. She does love you, always remember that.

Do you connect with her at all? What are your conversations like in the car?

DS1 was like this. He absolutely hated both of us and was miserable to live with.

We packed him off to Uni, and he returned at Christmas a changed person who was nice to spend time with.

Maybe try and reconnect if you feel like you don't know your daughter anymore, I try and keep an interest in my teens - even if it's gaming, movies, music, news, gossip etc.

The same as when they are little, you watch crap TV programmes or draw together, only because they are older and more independent doesn't mean you switch off from their interests, otherwise the only thing connecting you is your house, last name etc.

She tells me about things that happened at work or her friendship group etc. but I'll be honest she rarely volunteers any information about her life these days.

I'm going through this with one of mine at the moment, I've already navigated teen life with the older siblings.

It is a completely normal development stage, they have to turn away from us so that they can develop into themselves.

It can be incredibly shit for the parents. I spend a lot of time muttering 'this too shall pass' and it does, eventually.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother but you have to separate this from how your teen is. They have no concept of what it is like to lose their mother and when dealing with teenage hormones they have little ability to have empathy either.

Teens are wired to be selfish, it is an evolutionary benefit, and I agree with pp, their behaviour does help parents let them go.

My eldest was very hard work, but I learned a lot and am a better parent for learning from our relationship, and now don't take things personally. My eldest has grown into a lovely young adult and we have a close bond and see each other regularly- and thankfully don't live together.

Sometimes it’s hard for teenagers when their parents have chronic health conditions going from experience. She will come out the other side. Mine had a lobotomy for 2 years and cringes now when she remembers how she used to act.

Honestly, a lot of it’s normal and it will continue as long as you keep trying to take responsibility for all of it. You need adequate boundaries with behaviour - and that includes being spoken to and treated with courtesy and respect. If she’s been horrible to you, no money or lifts. Don’t try and be her friend. You’re her mum and she is trying to grow up.

If your second child is much younger than her, and or with a father different from her own, this may well exacerbate the normal teenage withdrawal from and judgement of their mother.
I suspect you need to be patient - very very patient. Don't ever tell her she's lucky to have a mum because you didn't as she won't know what to "do" with this information emotionally and it will simply push her further from you.

She sounds like she's doing ok. And that's something you should be proud of - your "sweet girl" is becoming an independent young woman and this has to involve her rejecting her parents for a while. She WILL come back to your life, as a new independent person. Yes you do lose the sweet loving child. It's the nature of change. Try. Try to make sure your children are not your only source of love as it's far far too big a burden for them.

Also yes she will judge and blame and resent you for "daring to become a mum again". Why would she not??

I don't understand what you mean here? Your previous post was helpful and interesting but not sure what this means?

I'm one of 7 siblings, I don't resent my Dad for daring to move on after my mum and have more kids? I was also in my teens when my half siblings were born too. The only thing I resented was my step mother attempting to fill the void of my dead mother. I did not resent my siblings or my father for having them, though.

Also, my DD's dad has two other children that were born before my youngest was - these were her first half siblings. She doesn't appear to be this way towards her dad - she appears to love her half siblings on her dads side and enjoys seeing them. That's what I can't get my head around.