My 17 year old appears to hate me

[iamstrugglingalot]

I didn't know what else to put as the title but this is how it feels. She talks to me like utter shit, or blanks me completely. She is reluctant to do even the smallest of things to help at home, huffs and puffs when I ask her to pull her weight. I have chronic health problems and when they flare up I ask her occasionally for a bit of support with her younger sister (this is infrequently, maybe once every few months I may ask her if I'm desperate) - she doesn't appear to have any empathy and will literally watch me struggle on. I do anything and everything I can for her - she asks for a lot of lifts here and there and cash etc, I give her what I can. I'm just at a loss. We used to be close and now she's basically a stranger. I hate saying this but I actually feel like I dislike her at this point.

Please don't be horrible - I'm in a really low place with it all and feel I've literally failed as a mum. 😢

OP there is a lot of grief in your posts and I wonder if you have ever really been able to grieve the loss of your own Mum. It might feel as though you are also losing your relationship with your daughter, but a lot of teenagers are like this and return to being close and loving again once they mature, so try to sit tight and weather the storms for now. It is ok to feel sad about it though.
To some extent it is a brain thing. The brain is changing and takes until around 25 to mature.
I have also had a tough year with my eldest dd (18). I am close to both my daughters but the eldest has been in and out of that closeness all year, in a way that has at times left me feeling really heartbroken, and painfully missing my own mum . In our case it is partly the shift to university, partly that she has had all sorts of struggles and has taken that out on her nearest and dearest because she loves and trusts us. Partly it is just the inadequacy of distance, texting etc.
Try to do small things that keep the intimacy between you. Humour helps a lot, if you can do silly things together, have fun . I have had to learn what to challenge and what to ignore. It has made me very conscious of just how much my Mum ignored in me ! I remember her face when something had hurt her but she chose not to confront me, and I wish she was here so that I could tell her and apologise.
Do nice things for yourself OP. You are a loving Mum, it will all be ok.

Are you with your younger dds dad? Just wondering if she feels pushed out.

Try to reconnect with her. Talk to her every day even if it's to ask her how her day was and you get one word back. Just keep going.

Send her text messages. Even if it's just a random love heart one.

Buy her a little treat and leave it in her room for her.

If you hear her in the kitchen late at night, join her. Teens are more likely to open up at that time.

It is normal. You just put boundaries in so no rudeness etc and then you ignore the rest as you can. If they are rude or disrespectful then they lose privileges like rides to see friends etc. she is finding her feet in the world and you are an easy target for her emotions. Try to ride it out. Yes they do come back, just keep communicating, show love and respect and it does end.

I agree. They go through a phase of being unpleasant.

But that doesn;t mean you have to tolerate it.

I'd do a couple of things. First, don't let her be rude and cruel. Say to her if she expects you to give her lifts and cash then you expect her to be polite and helpful. Be really firm on this: treat me like dirt and I will NEVER respond with kindness because I am not a doormat.

But also, make time together. Sit down with a coffee - just with her and chat about her plans, dreams etc. Listen and encourage without giving too much advice. Try to get back some of the relationship that has been lost.

Please don’t worry about the other stuff (not being an only child etc).

The teenage years are when the brain undergoes huge changes. Different parts develop at different rates. The part that likes excitement, novelty and risk develops before the rational, empathetic part catches up.

She is just developing as evolution intended. She is hardwired to seek a life outside of the family. It does feel like a personality change. If she was a loving child before, she will be a loving adult again.

It’s all about making sure they stay safe at this stage (alcohol, drugs, sex). I would tell my Dd that I wasn’t trying to stop her having fun, but she needed to be aware of these things. All you can hope is some of this stuff gets through.

You werehappy with your parenting til she was 15, believe in yourself this will be enough to get her through the next few years.

How to manage in the here and now? That’s up to you and what you are happy with and what the personalities are.

I personally, ended up having a blow up with mine. Because it was so unusual for me she did take notice. You need to find that fine line where she takes notice of you without it descending into outright hostility.

Like a toddler, good behaviour gets rewarded (lifts, money), and bad behaviour gets nothing.

But do look up the brain thing. I believe Prof? Susan Black is the leading expert on this.

It’s not inevitable so don’t manifest it for the younger one. I wasn’t like this as a teen my parents wouldn’t have stood for it and neither was Dh.

We are both hard on this with ours and always have been we won’t be spoken to like shit and jump on the slightest sign of it. So neither of ours dare frankly. Sorry I think you can be too “gentle”. We are gentle most of the time just not if there is any unwarranted rudeness towards us. I am horrified by how some of my friends teens speak to them and they just take it. No bloody way.

Yes I'm with the youngest's dad.

I like the ideas you suggest here.

The talking to her late at night isn't really an option however as I'm absolutely exhausted due to a combination of physical health issues, a demanding job that means I have to be up at 5.30am on work days, and a non sleeping toddler who still wakes repeatedly in the night sometimes. For all these reasons I'm typically in bed asleep well before my teen is.

Also sets a high standard for how they expect to be and are treated by others. We treat them with respect and expect the same back. Sorry the excuses about brain development etc don’t wash with me unless there is some diagnosed neuro diversity which there isn’t with ours. Friends often say how “lucky” we are with our teens. Hmmm.

Do you think you losing your mum might be colouring your own reactions? Your daughter hasn't experienced that lack of loss, so won't be seeing the world in the same way.

We often model our parenting on what we experienced growing up, I'm sure it's been harder parenting without necessarily having that blueprint.

Yes absolutely. I often feel like a rubbish mum because I don't know how to be one, I was so young when I lost mine 😢

Im not there with my LO..but my brother and I and most kids i remember around teens went through a hate the parents stage.

My brother was awful with tempers, it was like walking on egg shells. He hated me too out of nowhere between 15-17 yrs old.

But after teen years its back super close and loving again. I think people minimise hormones and puberty tbh. Everythings changing, your emotions are turbulent and you start fighting for independence in that inbetween stage of adulthood. Its easier to lash out at mum as your under the same roof and the authority figure.

I think teens find anything to use at ammo in these years. Even if your perfect in a close family it will be the same depending on the individual teen and how they manage.

Thank you for this lovely post.

I have never truly dealt with the loss of mum, not properly. I have had counselling and therapy previously but little much eases the pain. It's been a gaping hole in my life for a lot of years now.

My DS was vile at that age. He's lovely now he's 40.

Nearly all teenagers go through this phase.

You are not failing as a parent.

They are getting ready for independent life and one of the ways they do this is by looking at what you are doing and how you are living your life and thinking whether they want their life to be like that.

It often comes across as incredibly judgemental on their part and/or hatred.

They come back to you, usually when they've got out there a bit and realised it's harder than it looks and you are a good person who has a lot to offer.

Hang in there.

It's how they cut their dependence from their parents somewhat. They go into 'self protection mode' which means any requests or demands on them are seen as an infringement on their independence. It's completely normal and it's just your child learning how to be an 'adult' and not just your child anymore.

Thank you @Octavia64 this is incredibly helpful.

I think you need to cut back on the lifts/money. I wouldn't allow another person to treat me like shit and then put their hand out for money or ask for favours because I wouldn't grant them. She wouldn't treat a school teacher like this nor any friends or her work colleagues or her boss. Why do you allow it? You are worth more than this behaviour from her. Stop giving her excuses about having another child, boo fucking hoo.

I agree with thea and time you need to shut it down the second it starts. I would have a think about how you will phrase it but the Mum in Sex Education said it well when she said something like I am your primary care giver and I get the worst of you. Tell her going forward that you will not put up with the disrespect from her, it is rude and you didn't raise her to be like that and she can start pulling her weight in the house. You set whatever that is.

As an example my 17 year old Ds unpacks the dishwasher 3 times a week, strips his bed and puts it on to wash, remakes the bed, is responsible for emptying bins on set days, will unpack shopping from the supermarket and put it away and helps make dinner/clear up. He will be going to uni this year and like his brother is prepared and used to doing stuff rather than suddenly being expected to do laundry/shop for food/meal plan etc.

Teenagers are selfish but we try to guide them to think about others, mine used to get themsevles a drink and then catch themselves and ask if anyone else wants a drink. You have to keep reminding them but they get there. She was lovely and she can be lovely again.

I will add you are not a terrible parent, up until 15 she was lovely, so you did something right. Teens need to be told when their behaviour is unacceptable. They will learn from it.

It's ok to love your child but not like them and their behaviour and nobody would reading this. No advice but sending a hug OP. That doesn't sound easy. My children are very young x

I just don’t think being all lovey dovey and texting her love hearts after she is so rude and dismissive is the way ahead sorry. You can be a loving and supportive parent without accepting that being treated like shit is part of that role. It just isn’t. You don’t need to yell and rage but “you don’t ever speak to my like that” was enough with ours.

My Dd has begun to be as your describe yours in the last 4 months op. She just turned 18 two weeks ago. She is making life pretty miserable for the rest of us. Over the holidays I sat her down and said to her that it needed to stop. I love her, if she has any issues she can ask me and I'll try to help, but the next time and every time she is needlessly rude I will ignore her until she stops it. So that means no lifts, no extra cash, no nothing. And if we go out somewhere she will be asked to come-but if she does and ruins it for everyone else by getting the face on as she has done the last several times we have all been out for dinner or whatever, she won't be asked to come again. She is an adult now and she has to start behaving like it. She might find us and her younger siblings annoying. She might want to be out on her own. But part of living with other people is compromise and accepting it's not always going to be perfect. It was a calm conversation. We'll see if it's done any good!