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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

teen caught drinking at a “sleepover”

33 replies

angel97rivers · 28/12/2023 23:51

Today i had to pick up my youngest daughter(13)from a “sleepover”(a coverup for a party😒)in which she was drunk.i couldnt believe my eyes.on the way home i was just thinking what to do with her and then it hit me that she might be affected by the alcohol forever.im scared.can someonw please tell me if the alcohol will have lasting effects on her brain and if shes going to be in danger.is an appropriate punishment taking away phone,banning sleepovers for a while and making her watch videos on effects of alcohol?please anyone i am desperate my little girl needs help.❤️

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 28/12/2023 23:54

I suspect she will wake up with a hangover tomorrow and feel dreadful. This will be a good time to have an educational conversation about the effects of alcohol, moderation etc etc.

Don't make it become a forbidden fruit.

I doubt there will be any long term effects.

Observatusapluribusofficinis · 28/12/2023 23:56

one presumes they will make a full recovery

Hellocatshome · 28/12/2023 23:57

She is not the first and won't be the last, hopefully the hangover will be enough to put her off doing it again any time soon.

MaloneMeadow · 29/12/2023 04:43

OP - No, at 13 she shouldn’t be out drinking and I agree that discovering this would likely be distressing and worrying for anyone as a parent but I do think that you’re massively overreacting. Do you have a history of anxiety?

She’s had a few drinks… to say that they’re going to cause lasting damage is absolutely bonkers. She’ll be fine, worst case scenario a bit hungover.

Right now I’d be more concerned about the irresponsible parents who let their 13 year old have a party with alcohol freely available. I’d be having strong words and if it was my DD she certainly wouldn’t be allowed back at their house for a long time.

Sit your DD down and have a talk with her about drinking alcohol safely and in moderation. The effects of vodka vs a beer and things like that. Young teens don’t seem to have any concept of the strength of spirits and therefore can easily take things way too far. Agree with a PP - don’t be too harsh on her and make alcohol a forbidden fruit. You’ll only cause her to rebel and hide things from you. From experience with DD (now 19, a very responsible drinker and always has been) the friends with the strictest parents were always the ones who took it too far and would end up vomiting, passed out etc…

Happyme2024 · 29/12/2023 05:21

It's quite normal to be experimenting with alcohol at that age. For me, it would depend on how sorry she was and if she understood she'd done wrong and the possible consequences e.g police involvement, stomach pumped, sexual assault, doing things she normally wouldn't consent to.

CyberCritical · 29/12/2023 07:08

She wont be affected forever, she will likely feel like crap this morning.

An appropriate punishment will be to get her up at normal time and get her to do her day like she isn't hungover, natural consequences.

With regard the sleepover, there must have been collaboration with her friends, she wasn't alone in making it a party. Were the parents home? How many other kids were drunk?

whyamiawakestill · 29/12/2023 07:11

I'd be more concerned about where she got it from and the parents allowing the 13 year olds to drink under their care.

bahhumbuggobshite · 29/12/2023 07:14

Been there done that and I'm a fit 36 year old.
She will be fine

FrenchandSaunders · 29/12/2023 07:23

Were the parents about? How did she get the booze?

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 07:29

If she has not been sexually abused she will most likely recover but feel sick.
She is very young. I would be cross with the parent who was in charge of her care. Remove her phone and say no to sleep overs for a few years (if they are really parties).

Yes, use this event to educate her about alcohol tolerances, standard drink sizes, side effects from over drinking, damage to the young brain caused by alcohol, the spiking ofdrinks and how and when she should be resuming the consumption of alcohol.
Discuss other alternative drinks
Discuss drinking nearer to age 18
Discuss completing a RSA for work and personal reasons.
Discuss other fun things to do with friends.

silentbutdeadly1 · 29/12/2023 09:32

I know one girl in her early 20s who's parents are all super chill about alcohol.

She had slight liver damage at 17

silentbutdeadly1 · 29/12/2023 09:33

Don't be over chill. That girl I know is an alcoholic.

Laszlomydarling · 29/12/2023 09:41

If you over react to this, you'll damage the bond you could share for the rest of her teen years. If you want her to feel comfortable to tell the truth, to share her feelings and worries etc , then tread lightly. If you 'punish' her , she may not come to you in the future. Be careful you don't damage your relationship. My Mum made me feel ashamed about so many things I did as a young teen. I'm 40 now and don't tell her anything.

There wont be any long term damage except emotionally.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 29/12/2023 09:43

Definitely don't be too chill. The research shows that the earlier people start to drink, the more likely they are to have a drink problem as an adult. However, that doesn't mean a one off incident will result in an adult drink problem. It's regularly drinking from a young age.

You should definitely be educating her on the effects of alcohol and the importance of moderation and of avoiding spirits. It's really important to keep the lines of communication open so don't over react.

I definitely wouldn't be allowing sleepovers for a while unless with very trusted parents.

Nomorecoconutboosts · 29/12/2023 09:49

Highly unlikely there will be permanent effects.
best case scenario is she feels ill/hungover and it puts her off drinking for a few years.
not ideal that there wasn’t much supervision at the other house but good that she told you. Don’t make it difficult/hard for her to confide such things to you as during the teen years it is best to keep communication open.
At 13 you and she will need to navigate various situations like this and working out how much freedom she can have. It’s not easy.

several years ago my 16 yo (now 19 yo) went to a party that was not adequately supervised, in fact the parents were away and had given permission for their 15 and 16 yo to have a party (true story)
one young guest got very drunk and ill. A couple of the sensible ones rang her mum who came to pick up. The mum made a point of being very lovely to the ones who had called thanking them and reassuring them it was the right thing to do. That stuck with me as I felt she took the right approach ensuring her daughter’s safety and well being.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 09:50

We had similar but with vapes. We didn’t go mad and shout but did the whole “we are disappointed” explained the dangers said we gave her freedom and if she misused it we would take some of that freedom away. We did it in a collegiate “we need to solve this problem together way”. We said this is not how our family is etc.

It totally worked. Dd2 now 15 and is one of the few that doesn’t vape though majority of her friends do (this is confirmed by my spies dd1 and other mums whose dc tell them everything).

silentbutdeadly1 · 29/12/2023 09:56

I remember watching a debate on the US drinking age being a strict 21. And them mentioning that the whole "teach them how to drink when they are young" is poppycock or something. Like I remember reading studies.

Original poster
angel97rivers · 29/12/2023 11:17

from what i was told there was mum and dad at home and it was with a large group of girls-thankfully no boys!

OP posts:
Namechange1345677 · 29/12/2023 11:20

Don't do anything over the top as you'll make it more interesting. But tbh that's very normal at that age

OchonAgusOchonOh · 29/12/2023 11:25

angel97rivers · 29/12/2023 11:17

from what i was told there was mum and dad at home and it was with a large group of girls-thankfully no boys!

Ah yes, the "cool" parents.

It's a good idea to try and identify the "cool" parents in her friendship group and don't ever allow sleepovers at those houses.

My dc were expected to come home after teen discos etc. I was happy to have their friends stay at ours but other than with one or two like minded parents, they did not get to sleep over after a disco or party.

TheaBrandt · 29/12/2023 11:48

Yes you need to be quite careful of other parents at this stage. Have experience of other parents blithely giving 12 year old spirits and allowing mixed sex sleep overs at 14.

They appear normal/ like minded at face value but their values are way off or they are simply mental. There are certain families my young teen is not allowed to sleep over at - we discreetly go and collect her on a pretext. Posh families are the worst for this as you get lulled into a false sense of security by their demeanour and accents.

silentbutdeadly1 · 29/12/2023 13:28

I think 14/15 try some beer and wine and cider.

16/17 introduce spirits WITH mixers?

OchonAgusOchonOh · 29/12/2023 14:29

silentbutdeadly1 · 29/12/2023 13:28

I think 14/15 try some beer and wine and cider.

16/17 introduce spirits WITH mixers?

Except all the research disagrees with you.

Babymamamama · 29/12/2023 14:33

What do the parents say? Are they aware this happened on their watch?

silentbutdeadly1 · 29/12/2023 14:36

OchonAgusOchonOh · 29/12/2023 14:29

Except all the research disagrees with you.

Show quote history

See this is what I think. But I feel most UK white parents just take a lax attitude to alcohol and things it's good to normalise it.

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