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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone else feel heartbreak at the late teen stage?

49 replies

Superdupersquirrel · 26/12/2023 16:25

Hey everyone, just a general question really and hoping for a little camaraderie/virtual hug.

i have a 16 YO DD, almost 17 and I'm finding this stage heartbreaking. Me and her dad are no longer enough for her and I can see how intensely boring she finds us. Now I know this is the natural order of things and as it should be as they spread their wings, but I was so not prepared for the heartbreak and sense of loss as they grow. It’s exciting to see a young person you’ve nurtured go out into the world but also utterly terrifying and lonely.

its amazing how much higher the stakes feel and the transition into needing to build my identity now not as the mother of a child but of a young adult and that classic mid life what does the rest of my life as well as hers look like.

so there you go - I’m normally quite an upbeat person but feeling a bit melancholy right now

OP posts:
JulietMontague · 26/12/2023 16:36

Yep oh god exactly this. DS is 17, nearly 18. Has been slowly pulling away the past couple of years but it’s hit me more recently. I’m so proud and happy he’s doing well, he has a job, goes to college, a lovely gf. But over Christmas I have looked forward to some of our little traditions or days together and realised he has no interest anymore. He isn’t doing it to hurt me, it’s entirely natural and I don’t say anything but I do just have a little moment to myself and feel the wrench quietly without making him feel at all guilty. I think the trick is to accept this bit is tough, and it’s a good thing because we might have been doing something wrong if we were happy to see the back of them. Sending a massive virtual unmumsnet-ty hug.

Original poster
Superdupersquirrel · 26/12/2023 17:03

Hug back at you! Yes I think probably both the scenario of being happy to see the back of them or them not wanting anything but to be at home is the goal. But it’s amazing how ill prepared I’ve felt for it - I thought as was clueless when I first became a mum but this feels like I’m in a completely different universe!

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 26/12/2023 17:06

Count your blessings that your child has the self-confidence and mental resilience to go out into the world, which is natural and good. Yes it's a big change for you but once their independence is established they'll come back. Mine are young adults with mh struggles and I long to see them want to go their own way (even though I'll miss them so much).

Original poster
Superdupersquirrel · 26/12/2023 17:11

I’m sorry to hear that Zaza and you are absolutely right, it’s important to count your blessings.

OP posts:
Baircasolly · 26/12/2023 17:14

My kids are younger teenagers, but what I remember from being a teenager myself was that I was quite brutal about cutting the apron strings at about 17/18/19.....but I kind of needed that "reset" in our relationship to establish myself as a Proper Adult, and not a kid any more.

I became very close to my parents again in my twenties (when I started realising that being a Proper Adult was kind of shit really) and I saw far more of them than I had done from about 17-21 xx

QueenofLouisiana · 26/12/2023 17:20

A year ago I felt like this. I was apparently an embarrassment, nothing we did was enough, he was a bit of a shit to live with.

Then he went to uni, learned what living alone entailed and what we had been doing for him in the background. He’s now home for the holidays and considerably nicer to have around. He’s just cooked dinner for himself and DH (they are off to footie, he asked me but I’ll eat later) and has arranged to go and cut the grass for his grandparents later this week.

Like all on the other difficult parts of parenting, it will pass. Things will improve. But my goodness, I know how long it seemed to take to get there.

Velvetbee · 26/12/2023 17:28

They come back as fabulous young adults who adore and appreciate you. Just hold your nerve.

user14699084787 · 26/12/2023 17:29

16 and 17 here.
I know exactly how you’re feeling OP. I Was fairly indifferent to baby/toddler/primary years, but they’ve both been fabulous teenagers and I’m going to miss them!

They’ve both a lovely set of friends and are doing well at school so i know I shouldn’t be feeling sad, but times are definitely changing…think it started with the driving lessons really! I’ll be totally redundant when lifts aren’t needed.

Member786488 · 26/12/2023 19:36

As @Velvetbee says - they will be back.

like all phases, it doesn’t last. Be brave and let them fly, they more you want to cling on, the more they resist.

have faith in both them and the relationship you’ve developed over the last 15 or so years x

HamBone · 26/12/2023 19:46

My DD (18) is back from her first term at uni and I can tell that she finds us slightly boring. We’re at different life stages, we’re middle-aged and our idea of a party is going to friends’ houses for a couple of drinks, not out clubbing. 🤣 She’s got over the embarrassment stage though, DS (15) is in the thick of it instead.

These stages pass and it gets better and better.

HermioneWeasley · 26/12/2023 19:52

Yes, it’s heart wrenching. But better than the alternative of them not being ready or able for independence as others have said.

Padget · 26/12/2023 19:56

Having been the teen, I so agree that they come back. Went through a phase of not ‘needing’ to have a relationship with my parents. A couple of years later (and grandkids, make a difference for sure!) and I saw them monthly, then weekly, then daily. Having kids (and even without kids, just being more mature) makes me appreciate so much more what they did for me when I was young

GingerSquid · 26/12/2023 20:00

17-19 I was really shitty to my mum, by 21 we were best friends together out in New York - if you were very close once, they will come back, the gravitational pull is too hard.

Original poster
Superdupersquirrel · 26/12/2023 20:03

It’s so heartening to hear they come
back, right now she just looks so fed up when she’s around us

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2023 20:11

I don't have this (yet anyway) with my DD (16). I think that's because she was always very independent-minded & self-reliant, even as a young child, so it's not that noticeable & she's happy for us to hang out still.

However my two DSs, 14 & 12, are all about their friends. Yes, they'll still chat to me, but in terms of hanging out, it's all focused on the 'boys' & especially over the last few days at Christmas, I've found it quite hard. They were dragged for a walk today & while it was ok overall, they were irritating AF in parts. I think they have to do that whole pack mentality for a while, and then I hope they'll be back! (My middle guy used to run with me & it was lovely. He'll still do it, if we are on holidays for example, but not locally. I get it but I miss it!)

vipersnest1 · 26/12/2023 20:12

My younger DC visited me today (in early twenties). I haven't seen them for some time as they live a long way away and for various other reasons.
We spent the day 'talking the hind leg off a donkey'. It was lovely.
The most special part was when they said that when they were younger, my cooking was always the best. (Younger has ASD and was always a picky eater.)
They fly the nest, but always know where their 'home' is, wherever they live, wherever you live now, regardless of however long ago they left. There is no bond stronger - and you will be the one they always turn to for advice, no matter how old they are.
It's sad when they first go, as you miss them, but that bond is always there.

HamBone · 26/12/2023 20:15

EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2023 20:11

I don't have this (yet anyway) with my DD (16). I think that's because she was always very independent-minded & self-reliant, even as a young child, so it's not that noticeable & she's happy for us to hang out still.

However my two DSs, 14 & 12, are all about their friends. Yes, they'll still chat to me, but in terms of hanging out, it's all focused on the 'boys' & especially over the last few days at Christmas, I've found it quite hard. They were dragged for a walk today & while it was ok overall, they were irritating AF in parts. I think they have to do that whole pack mentality for a while, and then I hope they'll be back! (My middle guy used to run with me & it was lovely. He'll still do it, if we are on holidays for example, but not locally. I get it but I miss it!)

I agree, @EarringsandLipstick DS (15)’s friends are v. important to him at the moment, it really is like a “pack” of boys. But he still gives me cuddles at home, even if I’m an embarrassment in public. 🤣

PiggieWig · 26/12/2023 20:17

17 is a really tough age, parenting wise. Neither of mine have moved out yet but DS1 went wild for independence in a way I wasn’t prepared for. Now he’s 21 he’s a lot more considerate and loves being around at home.
DC2 is struggling with MH and ASD, and spends a lot more time in his room than he ever did before. It’s a worry.

Fair to say there have been no family games nights here - one’s been in the pub and the other in his room.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/12/2023 21:04

But he still gives me cuddles at home, even if I’m an embarrassment in public.

That's lovely!

Mine will too, but it's variable. I was so mad with them today. I had to drag them on a family walk (a Stephen's Day [Irish Boxing Day] tradition for us) and by the time they were in the car, still whinging about the xBox, I could have throttled the pair of them.

My DD was perfect company & all up for walk & chat unlike her truculent brothers who were muttering about 'meeting' friends online for some game or other.

Phineyj · 26/12/2023 21:07

I teach kids this age (my own is tween).

There's worse things than boring!

Glory in your boringness. That's what I say 😀.

HamBone · 26/12/2023 21:50

Phineyj · 26/12/2023 21:07

I teach kids this age (my own is tween).

There's worse things than boring!

Glory in your boringness. That's what I say 😀.

@Phineyj i love being boring, it’s relaxing! Plus it’s not my job to constantly entertain my teenagers, they can have also have fun with their friends as I did!

JubileeJumps · 26/12/2023 22:03

It’s exhausting and depressing. My 16yo is the same. I’m not sure I could impress her unless I suggested a day trip to the Maldives and even the she would be unimpressed within 10 minutes.
She needs more than I can offer

KnitFastDieWarm · 26/12/2023 22:03

Remember the words of Mark Twain:
”When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

They come back, don’t worry 😊

Original poster
Superdupersquirrel · 26/12/2023 22:08

totally relate to this @JubileeJumps I think what broke the camels back was her reaction to her Christmas presents. She’s always been so grateful and loving, this year it was fairlu muted thanks, I was gutted

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Gherkingreen · 26/12/2023 22:41

Mine DSs are 20 and nearly 18. I cling on to the roots and wings theory - you help them develop deep rooted bonds, plus the tools they need to fly - and they'll keep coming back, despite any bumps in the road.