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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone else feel heartbreak at the late teen stage?

49 replies

Superdupersquirrel · 26/12/2023 16:25

Hey everyone, just a general question really and hoping for a little camaraderie/virtual hug.

i have a 16 YO DD, almost 17 and I'm finding this stage heartbreaking. Me and her dad are no longer enough for her and I can see how intensely boring she finds us. Now I know this is the natural order of things and as it should be as they spread their wings, but I was so not prepared for the heartbreak and sense of loss as they grow. It’s exciting to see a young person you’ve nurtured go out into the world but also utterly terrifying and lonely.

its amazing how much higher the stakes feel and the transition into needing to build my identity now not as the mother of a child but of a young adult and that classic mid life what does the rest of my life as well as hers look like.

so there you go - I’m normally quite an upbeat person but feeling a bit melancholy right now

OP posts:
Wooloohooloo · 26/12/2023 23:24

I do feel it but it wasn't as sudden for me. DS is 17 and is pleasant and polite but for me I felt him slowly ebbing away 11, when he started high school. He will still come for family meals and we get on well but his peers are far more important and involved in his day to day life, as it should be. It is very bittersweet watching them grow up.

I still have a 7 year old DD so it's not quite as dramatic for me but I plan to replace them both with cats when they fly the nest (already got one cat who is my baby 🤣)

SheerLucks · 26/12/2023 23:28

Baircasolly · 26/12/2023 17:14

My kids are younger teenagers, but what I remember from being a teenager myself was that I was quite brutal about cutting the apron strings at about 17/18/19.....but I kind of needed that "reset" in our relationship to establish myself as a Proper Adult, and not a kid any more.

I became very close to my parents again in my twenties (when I started realising that being a Proper Adult was kind of shit really) and I saw far more of them than I had done from about 17-21 xx

Absolutely this. I really tried to forge away from my parents at around 18 years old, but fell in love at 19 (with a completely unacceptable boyfriend). But the safety and calm that this BF offered actually made me come back.

I now have a 16DD and 19DS and they are 'European' in mindset as my parents are Hungarian and we live next door to them

All my friends are now experiencing empty-nest type scenarios, but us, not quite yet, fingers crossed!

ScabbyHorse · 27/12/2023 05:17

Yea I am feeling similar to you and have a 17 year old DS. Very uncertain about the future as I've spent the last 12 years bringing him up on my own.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 27/12/2023 11:41

I feel I'm already there at 13/15. They'd much rather be gaming or in their rooms.

I then feel guilty as a parent for not doing stuff with them but also recognise that perhaps they need more space on their own so feel guilty for trying to make them do stuff! It's all about guilt

Spendonsend · 27/12/2023 11:49

I feel a bit sad too. My eldest is young in his year group and i realised that next year, when he is 17, might be his last christmas at home. After his a levels finish he might go travelling, head to uni and decide to stay there, or do an apprentiship somewhere and be working.

He is polite and loving but ready to move on ti a stage of intermittent calls and flying visits. I enjoy his company but he finds me dull.

lollipoprainbow · 27/12/2023 11:59

ZaZathecat · 26/12/2023 17:06

Count your blessings that your child has the self-confidence and mental resilience to go out into the world, which is natural and good. Yes it's a big change for you but once their independence is established they'll come back. Mine are young adults with mh struggles and I long to see them want to go their own way (even though I'll miss them so much).

Agree, I'd love nothing more than my autistic dd to have confidence and resilience.

Fififizz · 27/12/2023 12:09

In a perverse way I think it’s a sign you’ve done a fabulous job and they will come back to you. My ASC son seems to have no attachment to me whatsoever and I feel exhausted by effort I put in and the lack of any acknowledgment or reciprocation. I can’t imagine how he’ll function but nor can I imagine how much more I can do.

CrapBucket · 27/12/2023 12:14

Mine are 17 and 18 - they still want me practically, to provide stuff (food/money/lifts) and emotionally - to listen to them. But at very random moments! The rest of the time they are totally independent 😉

I am very lucky with them, we have had a variety of challenges but I am so proud of them. And happy to be unwanted and not needed.

gamerchick · 27/12/2023 12:22

Nope. My almost 17 yr old is too autistic to ever leave home probably. He will struggle to do the natural pulling away thing that people take for granted. Instead I get to worry about who will look out for him when I can't/not around

Get yourself a bit of a life and just look forward to the grandbairns. 😉

Spendonsend · 27/12/2023 12:27

I also have an autistic son that, at this stage, looks unlikely to live independently.

But i can still feel wistful that my eldest is flying the nest.

I think people can feel lots of things at the same time. Happy and excited for them, proud as well as moments of low.

HamBone · 27/12/2023 15:07

CrapBucket · 27/12/2023 12:14

Mine are 17 and 18 - they still want me practically, to provide stuff (food/money/lifts) and emotionally - to listen to them. But at very random moments! The rest of the time they are totally independent 😉

I am very lucky with them, we have had a variety of challenges but I am so proud of them. And happy to be unwanted and not needed.

@CrapBucket Yes, why do they often want to have an in-depth conversation at 10:30 when their middle-aged Mum is in her PJ’s, yawning, and about to go to bed?!😂

aramox1 · 27/12/2023 17:29

There with you! It's hard creating Xmas for someone so semi-present, yet we feel we can't totally do our own thing.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/12/2023 17:49

May I say for those of you who feel like this- my son was in a houseshare the week before he was18 - and to be honest between 15 and 18 I think we were around as a hotel room , restaurant and cash machine and we irritated and bored him- but by 22 he wanted all those old traditions etc- he is now 25. he lives 90 miles away in London but we see him usually at least once a month for a weekend with us and occasionally in between if we are up in London for work

RockandRollers · 27/12/2023 18:09

OMG l love that mine are all grown up, l have raised them completely alone past 10 years and now it's my turn. Time for me. We all get on really well but l am looking forward to having house completely to myself, no gym or WFH equipment everywhere. No coming and going at night when l am trying to sleep. Eldest is saving for a deposit with his girlfiend, l am so looking forward to next chapter of my life.

Original poster
Superdupersquirrel · 27/12/2023 22:03

I can’t begin to tell you how useful this thread has been. I’ve felt so low over this Christmas period, but sounds like I’m certainly not alone . It helps knowing that fingers crossed, in a few years she’ll be back enjoying hanging out with us (sometimes 😁)

OP posts:
HerculesMulligannn · 27/12/2023 22:27

I always remember a scene in Modern Family where Clare says that late teens are like satellites - they fly out into deep space and they are all alone and there is nothing you can do because they disappear round the dark side of the moon and for a while communication is lost. But actually they pretty much always stick to their trajectory, so you have to hold faith in them and if you listen you will hear the ‘ping’ as contact is re established, and then slowly they come back into sight. It was put more eloquently than that but I really liked the analogy.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/12/2023 22:40

@Superdupersquirrel our 25 year old comes away with us at new year most years too -

That transition stage is hard- I felt somewhat unwanted I must admit

Basilandparsleyandmint · 28/12/2023 14:15

I have a 17 years old DS and it struck me only recently that I feel I have such little time left with him in that he won’t want to come on holiday with us much longer and that he will be off to uni. I couldn’t be prouder of him and obviously want him to go out in the world and find his place but god will miss him so much.
I have a wonderful DD 13 so thankfully I have her for a bit longer and who still likes to hang out a bit.
i have started creating a bit of a life back for me now and have started a hobby again which is nice.

TenSheds · 28/12/2023 16:29

Mixed feelings, but not heartbreak. DD17 will be off to uni next year, likely to be several hours away, and as a foreign languages student will at some point be abroad for a year. We'll miss her loads, but at the same time I'm excited for a new phase of life as a couple again. I'm lucky in that we and DD have quite a lot in common, so while she does want to spend time alone, with her boyfriend or friends, she is happy to play games, go to concerts or watch TV with us, as well as using our hotel and concierge services 😉I'm optimistic that she won't drift too far; she's definitely ready for independence but actually seems quite hurt at the idea she wouldn't miss us/home when she goes, which is comforting.

Outd00rs · 28/12/2023 18:30

I feel scared of my kids leaving home already and my oldest is only 14!
Feel like time is slipping away with him yet he gets more amazing to be around every day. He doesn’t seem to find us boring yet - hoping that never comes but I dread the grief I know I’ll feel when he moves on (and I’ve got other children but somehow I feel ill be more ready for the next one..)

HamBone · 28/12/2023 19:58

@TenSheds Weirdly, we missed DD (18) terribly for about a week when she went to uni, but then we seemed to adjust. We We were delighted to see her mid-semester and now again for Christmas, but we’re over the worst of it already.

Seeing them flourish out in the world just makes you happy. ❤️

malificent7 · 30/12/2023 08:13

My teen has found me boring and cringe. since age 13! She's lovely really.
I do get it op.

Original poster
Superdupersquirrel · 30/12/2023 08:20

I think I’ve had it easy but it’s been quite a push away in the last few months as she approaches 17.

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 30/12/2023 13:57

No I feel heartbreak that my autistic dd will never live a normal life.

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