Teen (15) watching porn

[Jude82]

Son has been moody lately and very secretive with his phone, wanting to trust him I gave him privacy but I went to change a wifi setting on his phone as per the instructions of a sky engineer and he was very uneasy with me having the handset. My mum senses went mad and I asked why, he tried to lie saying stupid things and even distracted me with a hug but his heart was racing so I just stopped the nonsense right there and said what is going on! He has apps on his phone he didn’t want me to see, stupid like AI girlfriend apps which is daft and embarrassing but harmless enough or so I thought….I then checked the content and it was all about arses and farting on each other. Wtaf! Then on Reddit he had been viewing porn about the same topic and also trans porn. I took his phone away and deleted the apps and set parental controls as last time I checked he wasn’t 18 and porn is so addictive and brutal and well not how I want his teen brain to be shaped when learning about his sexual desires and identity. He’s too young for porn, fact. I thought I had parental controls on but apparently according to sky that’s just for when the phone is on 4g, I had to set other ones on the Broadband too. He was mortified and said he was just curious etc. I have absolutely told him that masturbating is normal and healthy and he should get to know himself but he needs to do that with privacy, door closed and not using unsuitable content online to do it. I asked him why he was looking at farting and arses and if he wanted to talk to me about anything. I asked if he was gay as he said ‘I’m gay’ to the girlfriend bot on one of the apps. He said no I’m not gay and when I asked if maybe he was unsure if he was he said no, I know that I am not gay….and he doesn’t know why he viewed what he did but stuff just came up etc. I don’t know what to think tbh because I don’t think the stuff he was looking at (farting not trans) is normal sexual behaviour. I feel sick at the thought of it all. He was mainly looking at girls bums but there was some grim stuff on there too. I said it wouldn’t matter if you were gay or straight and that’s not why I am upset and worried. He agrees that he shouldn’t be looking at that stuff and I explained that I don’t want unrealistic and illegal as he’s a minor sexual imagery and videos to shape and influence how he views a healthy sexual relationship. I have said I will respect his privacy but no more porn will be streamed in this house and I told him it’s all now blocked as I cannot trust him not view inappropriate content. What does anyone think? Curiosity and normal? Confused? In real life other than this he is happy, good friendship groups, no girlfriend or boyfriend, plays lots of sport and Xbox and I’ve never had any incling of anything like this until now. I want to help him mature and I want to guide him to do it safely. I also feel absolutely sick and cannot stop thinking about it all 😭 but have to hide that from that him. Any advice welcome thanks

I think it sounds like you have a good relationship with him as he’s even prepared to discuss this with you, and I’d do everything I could to keep it that way as he may want to ask you about things he sees but will only do so in a non judgmental atmosphere.

I have a 20yo and a 17yo. As our children age the relationship changes from one of control, to more discussion and advice. I think your comments about the negative aspects of the whole porn industry are very valid, it’s exploitative and often obscene, but this needs discussion and explanation. It’s a difficult subject to talk about in a personal way - much easier to do so more generally without reference to what he, personally, is actually viewing.

to say he’s too young for porn is unrealistic Imo. He’s going to access it without your consent, you want to ensure he has the emotional maturity to deal with what he sees or to ask for advice if he has questions - he’s bound to have a natural curiosity.

id say at this point whatever he’s watching is his choice - you role as a loving parent is to help him put the content into perspective. It’s not the average persons experience of sex, and bears no resemblance to real life.

in my experience, parents get much more worked up about porn than they need to. Much as I hate it, most teens grow out of it as they develop intimate relationships with a partner. In a year or two he’ll be realising this himself.

I don’t know if any of this is helpful, but he sounds well-rounded and frankly totally normal, and actually much more communicative than many his age. If you feel sick thinking about him looking at porn then I’d gently advise you not to think about it.

@Member786488 You know something…I just want to say Thankyou ever so much for your advice. I am honestly grateful so much for your words. I feel as though I can’t talk to anyone I know about this and maybe that’s my embarrassment and also my problem but that’s on me. I appreciate he’s a teen and that relationship change you mention from being in control of them ( in a loving way) to then letting go of them a bit is a difficult transition to go through or it feels it to me right now, he’s my oldest. Maybe you get better at it with the second? I hope so as I also have a 9 year old boy. It sounds like you know what you are talking about and have been through and survived this change in relationship with your kids. And I do know it has to evolve eventually. You sound like a wonderful parent also, understanding and kind and wise. I was very careful with my words when talking to him because I truly want to create the atmosphere you mentioned whereby he can talk to me whenever he wants about anything he wants and he won’t be judged and I will always be his support and advocate in any way, shape or form. I know he will see porn too, just like a few years back when you know your teen starts swearing etc but I just thought if he had those boundaries at home regarding what he can view or language he can use, that has to be a good thing? For example I’m sure he says all the F’s to his mates but he wouldn’t say it to me or at home, he knows that’s not ok. If I stop the adult content at home surely that will help in that he won’t become consumed or even worse addicted to it? It’s a problem these days with all of the open accessibility unfortunately… a bit like social media. It looks as though he was already becoming a bit obsessed with the apps and that was making him imo more distant from general family life now I look at the time period with hindsight. I don’t want to censor his life, I really don’t, I just want to keep him safe and yes maybe I need to have more conversations with him to prepare so he can independently make the best choices or feel he can ask questions if he has any. I will try my best to take a step back for now and not think about it as you say and let myself see it for what it is maybe and also let him know I’m right here if he needs me. Thankyou x

I think in general you have handled it really well. The two of you obviously have a good relationship to be able to talk this through. But this part I think is too much,

"I asked him why he was looking at farting and arses and if he wanted to talk to me about anything. I asked if he was gay as he said ‘I’m gay’ to the girlfriend bot on one of the apps. He said no I’m not gay and when I asked if maybe he was unsure"

Fine to say no to the porn and explain why. But in life, lots of people have kinks in what they enjoy. So questioning what he enjoys is just maybe too far. Also asking directly if you are gay doesn't lend itself to someone feeling confident in saying if they are. So keep up the no porn rule at home but don't question him on why he enjoys particular features of a sex life.

@HoHoHoliday I know, I thought about it afterwards but sometimes it’s incredibly hard to communicate with him without being direct. He has said to me previously Thankyou mum, I’m glad you asked me those things etc as I didn’t know how to say it so I suppose I’ve adapted the way I talk to him in a way that has previously worked for us if that makes sense. I asked him in that way I think mainly because I actually thought him and his mates had done it as a joke as it was so out there and I’m no prude. I expected him to say it was a joke and laugh, again that’s on me. I tried to skirt around being gay and open up the conversation so he could tell me but again I was direct only because I didn’t think he would be able to actually just say it but might have wanted me to ask. I understand what you are saying though. It’s a learning curve for sure x

OP I have no advice as I'm still very much in the early years, but I just wanted to say you sound like a really fantastic mum, with a good, strong relationship with your son. I'm sorry I have nothing more to offer, but if you can gain anything from my reply, hopefully it's a bit of self validation that you're doing something right, and you come across as an amazing mum, and all the things you've said and done regarding this subject, having no experience (yet) is how I'd like to act when my DC is older should this situation arise.

@ShittingPeugeot Thankyou for your words, honestly thankyou so much. We all need that self validation and I appreciate your kindness as I certainly needed it today and I have taken it massively from your reply. I know deep down that I am trying my very best and I love my son more than anything and that’s all we can do really x

I hope you didn't go too batshit crazy at hime, the poor fella must be mortified.

Remember though, where there's a will, there's a way.....and he could also get access to this stuff on incognito mode via Google chrome browser and you would t be able to tell. Or maybe even access it all though one of his friend's phones at school lunchtime.

Do also near in mind, that in 1 year's time he'll be the age of consent, and in 3 year's time he'll be an adult.

There are some really great thread on mums net about this issue. Search and read up:

Sexual curiosity is normal and as you have already displayed its not OK to sexuality Shame our children. However as parents we need to explain that porn is typically produced by men for mens benefit, often for a shock benefit and it doesn't reflect reality. It typically does not portray what a woman enjoys. Porn is acting, bad acting and each scene is captured with signed consent forms by actors. He needs to understand porn is not reality and typically not healthy.

Sorry I had to type quickly as I had a work call, just to confirm I think you ve handled it really well, and to be clear from reading your posts it seems clear you did not sexuality shame, which is great.

I know (from experience), it's a tricky conversation to navigate, and not overtly judge or shame but instead to educate. I hope that came across correctly in my first post.

True watching porn is generally harmful, but him looking at trans porn, and asses is the least worrying thing he could look at to be fair.

I've a now adult son and had to deal with very similar issues. Since then I've done a lot of reading and thinking about the topic, and would have dealt with it differently.

Modern online porn is not the same as the old Playboy and Hustler mags that men in my generation had. Modern online porn is increasingly violent and degrading to women, almost all of it made from a male POV. It is highly addictive.

I think OP that your initial gut feeling that this is not good for his developing sexuality is spot on, stay with that. While you don't want, as others have said, to pass judgement on his sexual tastes, you can leave that out. But the fact he's been accessing online porn for his pleasure in private is a massive problem for his age.

There is a window in which this can be turned around. If he continues to regularly use online porn it will wire his developing sexuality to view women negatively and his sexuality will suffer. So blocking his access while at home is essential.

I know you can't control what he accesses outside of home, so that is where gentle conversations with him are important.

Search Gail Dines. Watch some of her talks and learn from her knowledge.

Armed with that knowledge you can have indepth conversations about why you need him to not access this and use it for pleasure. Why you want him to develop into a healthy young man with healthy sexuality that will allow him to have positive healthy relationships with women.

Finally, there is a lot of online porn made using trafficked girls and women. You simply cannot tell if the girls and women depicted have been trafficked or not. So regular users of porn will be using this material. That should make anyone with a moral compass very uneasy, enough for them to avoid it entirely.

Now, my views may be considered extreme by many on here. I don't care. Quite frankly, I think modern online porn literally in the palms of, and accessible to (whether or not they access it) almost all people here today, is a massive public health crisis that we need to tackle head on. It's unprecedented. Porn is the biggest sector of the internet and it's increasingly violent and degrading to girls and women. Regular use affects how boys and men view girls and women. We need to acknowledge how addictive it is and act accordingly. I will make no apologies for this view. I wish more people would take it seriously. I think we're sleepwalking into disaster, if not there already.

Saying it isn’t okay to shame them for natural curiosity, and then telling them how awful and degrading porn is (a huge exaggeration) will still make anyone feel shame.

Does nobody here ever watch sexual content??

& obviously we all develop at different ages, if you haven’t had any “porn talk” by FIFTEEN that is already a problem.
He has already been watching porn for awhile….

If a 15 year old doesn’t find it obvious that porn isn’t real sex, I would be worried.
Was he banned from seeing any sexual content on tv, or discussions about sex his entire life?

Do you support OP giving their son Playboy/Hustler magazines?

Simply stating that all porn is degrading and violent towards women also seems pretty ridiculous and counter productive.

What will they think after they find out that it’s WOMEN who are 2X as likely to search for the more extreme stuff?

Dear OP, I do not mean to alarm you, but trans or, 'sissy' porn IS harmful. Out of everything said above, this would be my main worry. Look into it.

possibly

the porn from the 80's in the likes of Playboy and Hustler mags is a very different beast to modern online porn in the likes of PornHub etc.

hair pulling, ejaculating on faces, choking, slapping, all done from the POV of the male, often not even showing male faces, only female as receptor

the level of violence has been repeatedly studied, look up Gail Dines' work

it's addictive, and watching it regularly is going to shape how young peoples sexuality develops in extremely unhealthy ways

and again, how can you tell if the women depicted are truly free to be filmed or are trafficked and abused? you can't

why would you want your child watching abused trafficked women be further abused?

and I never said ALL porn is bad, but the vast majority of it is abusive

sad that the very obvious abuse in modern porn is so normalised now that so many people think it's okay, worse that they think teenagers are okay to view it

It's not an exaggeration in the least. OP has a right to set boundaries about what is acceptable under her roof. To do so is not shaming anyone. She has a right to express her feelings and beliefs about porn. You don't share them, so I guess you're free to let your kids encounter the choking and rape videos which are incredibly prevalent in online porn, and hooray for you for not "shaming" them by objecting to that.🙄 The prevalence of violent and misogynistic material in porn is an absolute fact. Face it.

Bullshit. Women have been conditioned to be submissive, so many do seek out videos which depict that. But the most disgusting, depraved things like severe beatings, sex with animals, necrophilia, incest, pedophila etc. are sought out almost exclusively by men.

are men conditioned to be dominant too?

By “extreme” I was thinking of bdsm type stuff, not illegal things that are absolutely not common for the vast majority of people of either gender to watch.

If your first thought when catching your teenager watching adult content is that they’ll start watching the illegal things you listed, i’d be more worried about you honestly.

I don’t disagree about a lot of porn being unrealistic, aggressive etc, but my issue is parents who use this as an excuse not to educate about an uncomfortable topic, from fantasy vs reality to amateur vs produced etc.

If my son sees porn and thinks choking and slapping is just assumed to be wanted - I failed him long before that.

Nothing he's done sounds that bad. Careful you don't make him just close down.

MOST online porn today IS extreme. Deal with that fact. It's violent and degrading to women and girls. Again, if you don't believe this statement look up the work of Gail Dines, her research supports this statement.

Surely we want our sons to grow up into healthy, stable loving men capable of real emotional connection with their partners? They are going to find it much more difficult to be so if they are allowed 24/7 access to modern porn in the palm of their hands as teens when their sexuality is developing.

Male sexuality is a powerful drive, especially in teen years. Porn is highly addictive. It is our job as parents to shield our sons from this addiction, exactly as we would from addictive drugs.

Whenever I see people defending online porn, I wonder about their use of it. Because I can see no other defence of the ubiquitous nature of sexual violence to women and girls depicted in it, unless one has been so desensitised to it via repeated use.

And finally, again to the OP, there is no way you can confidently know that the online porn he's watching was not made by women and girls who are trafficked and abused. So anyone regularly watching this stuff WILL be watching material made using trafficked women and girls.

Anyone with a moral compass would not do that. Obviously. Don't know why it needs to be stated actually.

it's not that he's doing something bad, it's that he's accessing something that can be bad for his health

and he doesn't know better because he's still a child

it's our job to parent, we need to step up and support our sons to become healthy men capable of real emotional connections

online porn can harm that development

controlling his access by shutting it off and having open, gentle conversations about sexuality is the way to go, this does not involve any shame, just facts and good parenting

sometimes we have to tell our kids no

I couldn’t agree more @Surf2Live that freely available hardcore pornography which in it’s nature becoming more and more extreme is a public health issue.

tales of 40+ women who dated in the 90’s and are now back dating who can’t quite comprehend why he wanted to choke her is chilling and sums up why we can’t bury our heads in the sand to it’s influence on daily life.

These are not the days of finding a damp razzel in a bush!!