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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter refusing to go to dads despite court order - what do I do??

38 replies

mushroomsteal · 16/12/2023 19:21

My daughter is 13 and has a court order to see her dad every other weekend. Unfortunately every time it comes around to a few days before the weekend is due she gets really anxious to the point where she feels sick.

She has now resorted to refusing to go and saying she is going to harm herself if she is made to go? Dad is still insisting she goes despite this as it is his time as per court order. I am sure they will try to enforce this and take us back to court but I just don't know what to do. Help! Her safety is obviously my number 1 concern but I don't know if anybody else has any experience of this and what happened??

OP posts:

Mercury2702 · 16/12/2023 19:22

Despite the court order, if it went back to court, they’d definitely take her wishes into account at this age

Tigertigertigertiger · 16/12/2023 19:23

Can she verbalise why she doesn't want to go ?

OhComeOnFFS · 16/12/2023 19:23

When was the court order made?

What is making her so anxious? How was her relationship with him until recently? How is your relationship with him?

adriftabroad · 16/12/2023 19:24

DDis14. Completely up to her.

muchalover · 16/12/2023 19:25

As PP said. It's likely he will take you back to court but her views should now be taken into consideration.

I would suggest she takes a break from visits and see how she goes - even though her dad may threaten and shout.

She may find she wants to go, she may not.

Rocksonabeach · 16/12/2023 19:28

Take her to the GP and get it logged. Make an appointment with her Head of Year at school urgent and ask them to speak to her alone to try to find out why she doesn’t want to go. Also gives you two independent paper trails for court. And if they both reflect her feelings. Just tell him she doesn’t want to go.

suggest alternatives email contact to keep the comms open etc

think paper trail ….

Sirian · 16/12/2023 19:28

I’d be more concerned about why she doesn’t want to go. Clearly there’s some sort of neglect or abuse going on. I certainly wouldn’t make her go if she doesn’t want to. You’re making a child feel anxious to pacify the wishes of an adult, which is frankly not ok. Let him take you back to court if he wants.

Original poster

mushroomsteal · 16/12/2023 19:28

Tigertigertigertiger · 16/12/2023 19:23

Can she verbalise why she doesn't want to go ?

Lots of empty promises and has lost all trust. The anxiety of each visit is making her mental health worse in a nutshell

OP posts:

LizHoney · 16/12/2023 19:29

Go to a mediator who is trained to speak to children as well as their parents so all three of you can have your say. Best chance you e got of reaching a new plan that everyone can live with. If you make a bit of a show out of doing that because you are trying to promote her time with her dad then it will stand you in good stead for enforcement proceedings.

Also definitely make sure DD has seen her GP re self harming threats. With DD's permission, share GP's advice/strategy with your ex.

Sirzy · 16/12/2023 19:29

Can she explain to either of you the reason why? That may help find a workable solution.

she shouldn’t be forced to go but if an option that works can be found that would be ideal.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:30

Take her to see the GP every single time she gets anxious and threatens self harm in the run up to going to her dad’s. (if you can get an appointment!)

Then you can put in writing that she’s refusing to go, with medical evidence, and he can decide to go back to court. None of it is going to play out well for him in court.

Payakan · 16/12/2023 19:32

What has been said. You need a paper trial and hard evidence, not a she said, he said.
And go back got court to put a pause or reversal .

Leavethebathalone · 16/12/2023 19:32

When was the court order made? She's becoming too old to be forced to do something she doesn't want to and it won't be improving the relationship between your DD and her Dad. As a PP said, get it documented with the GP and school and leave him to take you back to court. Encourage a relationship that she has a say in eg tea with Dad or facetime.

Nonamesleft1 · 16/12/2023 19:34

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:30

Take her to see the GP every single time she gets anxious and threatens self harm in the run up to going to her dad’s. (if you can get an appointment!)

Then you can put in writing that she’s refusing to go, with medical evidence, and he can decide to go back to court. None of it is going to play out well for him in court.

Can’t you see the link between taking a child to see the GP every time she feels anxious purely to get a record to use against her dad- and not being able to get a GP appointment?

take her once. Get it on her record and referrals in place for camhs etc. but don’t be taking up multiple GP appointments just to get it recorded.

MyOtherNameToday · 16/12/2023 19:36

I really don't see how a thirteen year old can be forced to go but I would definitely want to know more about why she won't go and how old she was when the court order was made.

Lovemusic82 · 16/12/2023 19:37

If the court order was made before she was 12 then it practically means nothing now. If it went back to court she would have a say in what she wants. Let him report you for breaking the contact order, let him attempt to take it back to court because he probably won’t get very far with it.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:37

Nonamesleft1 · 16/12/2023 19:34

Can’t you see the link between taking a child to see the GP every time she feels anxious purely to get a record to use against her dad- and not being able to get a GP appointment?

take her once. Get it on her record and referrals in place for camhs etc. but don’t be taking up multiple GP appointments just to get it recorded.

Show quote history

I think taking a child for medical assessment when they are threatening self harm (note I said AND) is a proportionate response.

Onceuponaheartache · 16/12/2023 19:38

Back up your dd. Protect her mental health and do not force her to go.

He can take you to court, but as she is 13 and the court will take her wishes into account and will more than likely revoke the order.

Unfortunately these piss artists reap what they sow, but it is obviously never their fault.

My ex dp (dd's dad) was and is like this with both my dsd and dd. Dsd has long since seen through him and rarely acknowledges him. He then comes here and moans and then gets offended when I laugh at him and point out that I left him for the same reasons as his dd wants nothing to do with him. He is selfish and lazy and inconsistent. He only does stuff that interests him and never thinks of anyone else. Our joint dd will see through him eventually. Dsd and I are still close and she will call me to moan when her dad is being a dick. She only goes on very rare times now and that is only usually because I ask her to because dd misses her. She comes here occasionally but her mum is a bit arsed about us still being close.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:38

It’s not about getting it ‘logged’; it’s about taking it seriously when a child threatens self harm.

2jacqi · 16/12/2023 19:39

@mushroomsteal she has the right to say no at her age. no court in the land will force her to go especially if it is affecting her mental health. your ex should be more aware!

gamerchick · 16/12/2023 19:42

I highly doubt they'll enforce it at 13 if he goes back to court OP. She doesn't want to, keep her home and let him do what he wants court wise. He'll make himself look unreasonable in court anyway it sounds like.

Whattodo112222 · 16/12/2023 19:53

She's 13. At this point if he applied for enforcement the court wouldn't force her. My suggestion is to perhaps offer face time contact as an alternative and then in the meantime apply to court for a variation in the order and her wishes and feelings being taken.

At 13 despite a court order, I wouldn't force her. It's psychological damaging in the long run.

exhaustedpengy · 20/12/2023 15:52

We had this with my SS15, who refused to go to his mums at 13 for very similar reasons.
We contacted school as it was affecting him at school, we were told by the safeguarding team that his mum couldn't force him to go and if we felt that it was harming him by making him go then we should stop. And if she threatened court, then he would get a say and no court would make him go. She had worked in this area prior to joining the school, so was knowledgeable.
In the end him and us did speak to his mum about it all, and he now visits once a month. Which tbh suits her better, as the reason he felt let down was because she was never in when he was there.

Healthkick · 20/12/2023 15:55

I had this. Was forced to go. Walked on eggshells around my dad and now have anxiety and mental health problems which I believe result from this.

banjocat · 20/12/2023 16:00

OP, if it goes to court, nothing will come of it. You can't force a 13 year old to see a parent she does not want to see. They will obviously also consider her mental health and the impact of her dad's previous behaviour.

I honestly would not worry and let her do what she prefers. If dad threatens to take it back to court then let him - it won't go anywhere.

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