Daughter refusing to go to dads despite court order - what do I do??

[mushroomsteal]

My daughter is 13 and has a court order to see her dad every other weekend. Unfortunately every time it comes around to a few days before the weekend is due she gets really anxious to the point where she feels sick.

She has now resorted to refusing to go and saying she is going to harm herself if she is made to go? Dad is still insisting she goes despite this as it is his time as per court order. I am sure they will try to enforce this and take us back to court but I just don't know what to do. Help! Her safety is obviously my number 1 concern but I don't know if anybody else has any experience of this and what happened??

There is no need to waste GP time like this and medicalise her.

It will be enough for OP's daughter to simply confirm that she doesn't want to go and it makes her anxious. The relationship has broken down.

They won't enforce it.

The golden line I've found with my ex, when he's trying to make me do all the running for some impossible issue of his making is 'What do you suggest?'

ex: 'You need to make them come and visit me!'
me: They are saying they don't want to - what do you suggest?

At that point the spluttering starts and realising that he's going to have to put some thought/effort in he generally waffles something about seeing how it goes and hangs up.

A friend was in exactly this situation and she asked/started the process to go back to court. It was quite a lengthy process and her Dd was interviewed a few times, statements taken from school, etc. but the Dd didn’t have to see her dad while this was ongoing and it’s now been decided she doesn’t have to permanently. She was the same age.

@mushroomsteal how did this pan out for you? I'm going through similar atm, my daughter is 13, we have safeguarding concerns against dad which have been raised as well so Cafcass are involved, my daughters mental health has suffered massively.

At 13 you can’t force her to go but I would try to get to the bottom of why she doesn’t want to.

Is she generally a self harmer or is she just threatening to do so because of this? Because tbh that in itself is pretty manipulative of her, and without her being able to explain her reasons, threatening self harm because she doesn’t get what she wants is something I would tread carefully with before just blindly accepting it.

Also while she can choose not to go and stay there, she should still be encouraged to at least maintain some contact with him, unless there is outright abuse in the equation. At 13 she is old enough to decide not to see her father, but too young to realise the potential long term implications of not doing so.

My DS stopped staying at his dad’s when he was 14, but that was due to issues with his dad’s partner, and eXH siding with her over him. Before that he was reluctant, but I always encouraged, and tbh when he was there he ended up having a good time.

But after he stopped staying there i never discouraged contact with his father, never encouraged him to not have a relationship with him, and while I listened to his reasons, I acknowledged them but didn’t indulge them.

Because it’s always important to remember that children will give you the side of the story which benefits them the most.

Going forward eXH maintained a relationship with DS away from home. They have been away on a couple of trips, they go out to dinner occasionally, and DS is now an adult, and while he doesn’t have a close relationship with his dad, even he is grateful that I never blindly encouraged him to stop contact.

As a parent you need to have your DD’s back but you also need to be able to play devil’s advocate sometimes.

Do you genuinely feel she would be better off having no relationship with her father? Not because of what you think of him, but because he’s her father. You need to be honest with yourself about that, and not allow your own views to cloud your judgement.

There are absolutely valid reasons why a child might choose to not see their father or to stay there, but there is middle ground between that and simply allowing the relationship to end.

Am a social work manager and have quite a bit of experience in private proceedings. As other have said it is highly unlikely any court would enforce an order that makes a 13 year old visit against their will. If there are no safeguarding concerns they would probably look at some sort of stepped arrangement to try and support the repair in their relationship with a planned return to overnights in a suitable time period.

The only situation where they may consider making an order to enforce this would be if they believed there was considerable evidence to support a position of parental alienation. We have, in situations such as this, ended up with a supervision or even in extreme circumstances a care order to us as a local authority to try and ensure the contact between both parents.

In terms of your DD, would her father consider building back up to overnight contacts, maybe start with something like a coffee in Starbucks, cinema trip etc whatever suits your DD and going from there? If he would great, if not, ensure you keep the evidence that you are attempting to support and facilitate a relationship and then do what your DD asks and stop forcing her to attend at this point and keep revisiting offer with father of different ways that DD feels comfortable seeing him. I would also reach out for some pastoral support for her in school so she has someone outside of the family to work this through with.

On a personal note, my DSD went through a period as a teen where she was super angry at me and didn't want to come to our home for about 6 months. I gave her space, my DH spent lots of 1 on 1 time with her, her mum and I would talk things through so she could see we were all a unit there for her, I kept the door open and would send her cards occasionally telling her I loved her etc and eventually she found her way back to us and resumed coming back over.

@mushroomsteal listen to your dd. She is telling you verbally and in physical form that something is very wrong at her dad's. Hear her.

Tell her dad that his behaviour is alienating her and explain what she is saying abiut hurting herself. I would also get this logged with school so they are aware and can monitor. They may also be able to support her by mediating with her dad.

But ultimately, my understanding is you are only required to make her available, as long as you do and she refuses to go with him then you have met the requirements of the court order. If he wants to go back to court they will take her wishes into account.

My dd has a similar issue with her dad (contact not court ordered) and these days only goes because she wants to see her older brother and sister (both at uni). Her dad is a nice guy, we are still mates but he is lazy as fuck. Never does anything with her despite endless promises. Dd is 11 and still goes for the moment because she feels guilty that he would be alone when the other 2 are away. She has begun asking me what I would do if she didn't want to go. My answer is always I will never force her to go but I also won't stop her if she wants to go.

Watched a tv programme recently and the teens were refusing. Dad ended up getting full control due to parental alienation tell her this.

I thinks its disgusting to force a child to see their dad somthing is going on to make her that way, and even if their isn't issues with his parenting and personality maybe there's issues with the way he speaks to her or down to her or he may not even bother spending time with her while shes in his care thats a private conversation for you and her

This is the issue we live in a world where farthers want rights but these men to realise that they have to earn that right its nothing to do with anyone else as to why your kids refuse to be around you children pick up on who's good or bad they can sense a rubbish parent from a good one that fact courts force children to intricate with family their not wanting to see is pretty sick

I was told I couldn't see my dad till I was 18 I didn't listen strangers had no right to tell me anything I knew my dad was good but not the best and I wanted contact I kicked off at every given time and would just go to his regardless I punched socail workers that would try pull me away from him etc kids no what they want and who's right for them

Even those that may want to see the dad one weekend but not the next should be listend to go with what your children want not what we say or the farther or the courts

🧟

I wouldn’t be sending her if she’s having such an extreme reaction… what on earth is he doing to her to make her react like that?

He can take you back to court. She’s 13 they won’t force her to see him anymore.

Nonsense