How to connect with my teen boy

[justl0st]

I'm struggling to connect with my boys as they are getting older, I need some ideas of things I can do with them to keep them chatting to me and not close off to their rooms. I am a single mum and have a younger girl so having 1 on 1 time with them is hard, as is taking them out to do the older kids stuff as I have to find someone to watch the youngest (we do do stuff just for them but prob once every couple of months without the little one) she does tag along to some things I do with them, and vice versa.

I am also a single mum of a teen boy and struggled with this for a while. Developmentally wise they do tend to go through a period of separating from you. I felt I lost him a bit but turned things around by backing off on the nagging, and trying to offer lifts, and use those moments to connect.

It helps if you share interests. For us that is music and football as often they will feel more comfortable chatting about things like that than questions about their lives.

Perseverance is key even when they constantly reject you. If you keep showing you care, are there, then they do open up at their own pace eventually. That has been my experience anyway.

I make a cup of hot chocolate or tea after school. It traps him for 10 or 15 minutes every day.

What about cooking dinner together? My boys love food and you'd be teaching them life skills and sharing time together.

I agree with shared interests. Find out what they're into, and develop an interest in it!

Can you do a sport with him?

Something you can doing alongside each other, and chat about in between?

Even just going to the gym togethe would work.

Mine loves Costa - so I either take him to the drive thru and we chat in the car, or I order it and we have a coffee and cake together.

He likes a decent crime drama too. He’s quite picky but there are usually three or four over a year that he enjoys. And films - he loves a Tarantino movie.

My boys are older now but we all used to play fun play station games together , a favourite was Lego Racers . There was much laughing and joking . God I miss those days .
Another was a really competitive game of Monopoly , much fun .

Couple of ways here - mainly movie and pizza night on a Saturday night (or another night of the week if yours has a social routine with friends) - over the years we’ve watched loads of 80s movies, comedies, lately moved into “must see” (2001 Space Odyssey, The Godfather), now it’s Christmas it’s Home Alone and Die Hard 🤣
Also running - you can trot along together and chat, and like being in the car, it’s not face to face so somehow encourages opening up.

Oh and a few series - all of Only Fools & Horses, Allô Allô, Ghosts, Red Dwarf and The Inbetweeners along with the inevitable Friends - comedy is great to relax to and still provides easy opportunities to chat.

Following for ideas

So my eldest son is into football but that's something he does with his dad - he has also moved in with his dad which I'm also struggling with so I literally feel so distant from him at the moment. I did buy tickets for his team to go and watch a match just the two of us but he bailed last minute so I wasted a lot of money that I don't really have atm. He's come to the cinema etc with us since but I feel like it's an uphill expensive battle to get him to spend anytime. I have tried to speak to him and he assures me he's fine with me etc he's just happy doing what he wants at dads.

Youngest son isn't sporty at all, we did cycle together but the darkness and weather makes it a bit more difficult to do. I would love to go to the gym with them both but unfortunately again I can't take youngest with us and the crèche has closed in our local centre.

He does like to cook so that's a good idea to do dinners together, and I'm sure hot chocolates would get him down too. Apart from that he does only really like to game although he's asked about starting football with a couple of friends from his class so I will take him to that.

I think teen boys disappearing to their rooms is par for the course.

i found chatting to them in car journeys worked, when taking them to sports clubs etc.

Also, if they do decide to talk to you, stop what you are doing, whether it’s watching the Strictky final, reading Mumsnet, sorting the washing, etc, and listen. They may be talking about the Liverpool Arsenal football match, but it doesn’t matter. Make time for them (even if football bores you rigid).

Will they go to a gym? A lot of them have kids clubs to keep the younger one happy and you can run with them on the treadmill etc.
Our local shopping centre also has a kids club so younger one can go there whilst I take the older one bowling or for food etc.
How old are they? I’d be tempted to have a bunk off school day and then they have complete 1-1 time for the full day and go out somewhere for the day. The zoo, a new city etc but this is a one off so not helpful in long term.
I’d set an evening aside for each kid or seperate hours each day. So younger one 6-7pm then bed and next one 7-8pm and eldest 8-9pm. Mine older boy likes board games, we have every game you can think of and we play a different one most nights. We’ve tried other stuff like Lego building and jigsaws but with less success.
We love playing articulate as we just laugh so much at our silly descriptions.
My son has tried crafts too.
Cooking and baking isn’t good for us. We end up arguing and it gets stressful.

It really does sound like you are making a huge effort. They will know you are there.

Emotionally it is tough when they start growing up. I was blindsided by how it affected me.

Food is another route to a connection, and it sounds like that is working for you. Do they have a favourite takeaway, meal, fast food place?

I think it is just a case of grabbing opportunities when you can, always offering, always listening and always saying yes when they occasionally want you or need you for something!

I share memes and reels back and forth with my 15 year old about stuff he's into or else reels that make him laugh like funny ones about mams going psycho about bedrooms/homework just to make light of things

I try to have an interest in stuff he likes like playstation football even if I really find it boring!

He likes to tell me all the drama in school about who got in trouble etc and I try to not judge or say 'omg that's awful' cos it would make him clam up!

Most of time he's in his room gaming or else at sports so we wouldn't really spend lots of time together as such. I might get him to watch something with me on TV but again it'd have to be something he's interested in, so we watched the Beckham doc, stuff on YouTube about planes, try not to laugh stuff on YouTube etc

I try not to nag too much and keep relationship light, so lots of slagging back and forth, if I've something to say like do ur homework, clean room I'd keep it light instead of nagging. Of course Im not always like this and I can loose the plot /nag as much as anyone else but this is what I try to do to keep relationship as good as I can x

Things I do with my 16yr old:

• cinema. We go see the films no-one else in our family will like, e.g. Oppenheimer, Napoleon.
• play chess. I'm not a huge fan but he loves it, so it gets us spending time together.
• dog walk, where I promise hot chocolate
• go book shopping together
• watch war documentaries and series (we recently binged Blood Brothers together)
• ask questions about the aspects of his learning he's enjoying. It involves a lot of Physics and maths chat that goes over my head, but he gets so animated and hit encourages him to chat about other stuff too.

It's all about tuning it to their interests

With 14 year old DS I find taking him out somewhere helps - going to a cafe or something. He can scurry off to his room when we get home, but he’ll chat away while out.

He likes watching silly competition tv with me. He liked the mole on Netflix. He chats away about the contestants and their strategies. Then scurries off to his room when the episode is over.

Small bites work. He knows you’re there if he wants you!

Yeah I agree @Jenjen21 do things that make them laugh and that are entertaining . I found when you try to do serious with them . It's boring , you have to tap into what makes them laugh and it has to be fun .

Maybe a low key physical activity you can all do together would be good. Swimming? A walk around a country park (wrap up warm in this weather). DS(14) likes doing daft stuff with DS(3) as we all walk along. he even puts his wee brother on his shoulders and carries him.

DS had a gaggle of friends round yesterday. They all helped me with the Christmas tree and sat eating sweets and sort of watching home alone 2 - while showing me embarrassing photos of each other they’ve got on their phones.

it doesn’t have to be 1:1 for it to be valuable.

I always have a cuppa waiting for mine when he gets in from school. We hang around in the kitchen & chat about his day. I also find taking him shopping really enjoyable for both of us. We end up getting some clothes, hair stuff, shower gel & shaving products, snacks, etc. It does cost me, but it's worth it to spend time with him & get him talking. Keep em close. Teenage boys really need their mum's.

I can't take them off school as eldest sons attendance is mid 70% since being with his dad since sept and his attendance is being monitored.

I did take younger son out for his bday.

Money is a problem, I can't afford to keep going to the cafe or cinema etc each week which does make it harder.

I find it really hard not to nag sometimes, especially since I'm alone so I do need more help from them sometimes, I am trying to ugly a house and work etc. I do try not to, and worry that's what drove eldest away as we were butting heads a lot (he is also diabetic so I was on about his blood sugar a lot which has been out of control) his dad doesn't have any rules there really and is a lot more laid back and he's a mini version of his dad so they just generally get on better. I do worry I've lost the eldest.

With everything going on I have been feeling low so I know I haven't been my fun normal self for the other kids either. I'm slowly getting there but I know I need to have fun with them it's hard when you can't get out as much as you would like and are struggling. It gets to 9 and and I'm exhausted ready for bed so it's hard to get quality time in the evenings, youngest is in bed by half 7/8 by the time I have a bath or sort the house and prep for the next day I'm half asleep. I did watch the goosebumps series and we enjoyed that one episode a night but it was really difficult to get daughter down to sleep as the others were downstairs with me and I found we were watching till 9/9:30 and then I still had everything to do after so was stressful.

Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you're doing great. The other thing I was going to suggest (as others have) is board games which my boys have always loved - it's just finding the right one. Chess? Rummikub? There are so many depending on their interests. I've also done lots of walks with mine which is always a good chance to chat and free. If you can incorporate anything interesting on the walk (say if they were interested in history etc) that's always good and you can share some facts, etc. Or maybe stop off at a nice cafe which breaks the walk up (or end at one).

We used to go to the woods a lot with the dog, there is rope swing and they love walking the dog but after school we don't have time as it gets dark so looking forward to the lighter nights! Son started his football and I took him and his friend and he was chatting away so feel like he is being more open and that's something we can connect with. Also will hopefully be able to do a few cycles soon too! We've been quite busy over Xmas and done a few days out which has been fun

My best 1 on 1 time is spent with DS coming into my room to say good night (I tend to go to bed early to read) and he then talks to me about his day (sometimes; other times he doesn't bother). I tend to keep my eyes on my book so he doesn't feel pressurised and it's just relaxed or informal.
It sounds like your issue is not so much doing something together but carving out some time where it's just the two of you.

Can you play computer togethe? My teen boys love it when I play Cod or Mario party.

Also watching YouTube videos with them about their interests on the sitting room TV. Like 'Ronaldo's top 10 goals' or 'Streamers who got caught cheating.'

Some of these videos are actually interesting.

I also take them out for bubble tea sometimes ( they are a rip off though).