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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Nearly 18 DD is literally killing me with stress

30 replies

belge2 · 19/11/2023 19:21

Dramatic title but this is really how I feel.
We have had a very strained relationship for a couple of years now but it is currently about as bad as it could be.
She has a hugely unsuitable boyfriend- not studying, not working. Been kicked out of home by his parents (reasons unclear). She constantly fails to come home at agreed time. Smoking weed. Not going to school regularly. Generally very unpleasant at home (when she is here which is rare). Won't lift a finger to help , says why should she. All sorts of help is in place at school, psychologist, therapist etc just to try to get her through school. She hates me, husband (her father), basically everyone. I don't blame her boyfriend as she was like this before she met him but I feel he is not a positive person in her life. I am so so stressed and deeply upset all the time about how things are. She lies about everything and as a result I don't trust her at all.
I just want a loving, respectful relationship with my daughter. It feels like I have lost her. She has 2 older brothers, 1 at Uni, 1 working and living at home. We rub along fine. But she is so lost, miserable and I can't help her. She enjoys making me upset. It's got to the stage it is actually making me ill now. I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I just cannot see this ending positively at all. Sorry for the dump of emotions but I am broken by it all. Get no support from husband - he just doesn't engage at all,ever (that is another thread ).

OP posts:
terraced · 19/11/2023 19:26

Hi, slightly different situation with us in that hubby and I had a terrible relationship with his daughter (my step daughter) when she was at that age. She went to live with her mum. Now though she's 23, more mature and has settled. She's a lovely person and we have a great relationship. I handled some of the situation wrongly and have apologised. I don't have any specific help or advice but can offer some hope that it can get better with time.

Original poster
belge2 · 19/11/2023 19:34

I would love to think it could get better but at the moment it is so so bad ALL the time. I wake up stressed and go to bed stressed. She stays out really late, won't answer her phone (that I pay for) . I find it so so hard to cope with. Zero respect, zero care for anyone except herself. I would love her to leave but there is nowhere safe she can go..

OP posts:
Glasgowgal200 · 19/11/2023 19:37

Is she old enough to move into her own place with boyfriend.

ShadowCipher · 19/11/2023 19:37

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
belge2 · 19/11/2023 19:58

Glasgowgal200 · 19/11/2023 19:37

Is she old enough to move into her own place with boyfriend.

Absolutely not! Neither of them have any money and I do not "approve" of him at all and therefore would not even suggest it!

OP posts:
Original poster
belge2 · 19/11/2023 19:59

@ShadowCipher thank you but not entirely sure what any of that means !

OP posts:
zeibesaffron · 19/11/2023 20:05

I hear you

My 17yo is similar I feel broken, but also bullied by her. The boyfriend is ok no prospects, no part time job, goes to college sometimes! Only positive is that he doesn’t drink or drugs. DD is rude, disrespectful and does nothing round the house, she claims she wants a baby!! I worry about her commitment to contraception - she is only nice when she wants something.

She is under CAMHs and the children's eating disorder team (she isn’t engaging) she refuses to eat when we say ‘no.’. She self harms, throws things in her room, and has awful friends and everyday I wake up and think what now, what next!

I have no advice just a virtual hug and solidarity the only thing that keeps me sane is a little bit of me time (dog walking, gym, out with a friend). I am gritting my teeth hoping it will pass - but I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

orangegato · 19/11/2023 20:10

OP it will get better. I was a horrible little *** at that age and it mortifies me. I have grown up and I am now very close to my family and wonder what on earth was wrong with me.

YoBeaches · 19/11/2023 20:11

What consequences have you applied or suggested for her behaviour at home? Talk us through what you've tried so far.

AuroraForever · 19/11/2023 20:11

Time to tell her how you feel and put your foot down. She either changes her behaviour or she needs to leave (with the boyfriend if he’s living with you too?). You do not have to put up with this.

ShadowCipher · 19/11/2023 20:15

belge2 · 19/11/2023 19:59

@ShadowCipher thank you but not entirely sure what any of that means !

Basically, we can teach them, guide them, and raise them as best as we can, but then it's still a gamble on how those lessons, etc., will help the individual.
Sometimes, we can only do our best and hope for the best.

Lovingangelsinstead · 19/11/2023 20:19

I don't have any advice other than it will likely get better eventually. Me and my mum had an awful relationship when I was a teenager. We had fights, I got kicked out several times, it was really bad. Now we get on great like nothing ever happened, go for mother daughter spa days, speak on the phone all the time. We just clashed when living together and I had teenage hormones!

OhcantthInkofaname · 19/11/2023 20:20

If she won't answer the phone that you pay for, don't pay for it. At 18 she is an adult let her go.

hitherandhither · 19/11/2023 20:51

It sounds like there is some dysfunction beyond just you and her as you mention your DH and lack of support from him. What's going on there?

You've said she's been like this for a couple of years with support via school for therapy. Why do you feel she is behaving like this OP? Have school been able to shed any light? Any SEN or SEMH?

Has your DD been brought up within a stable and supportive family? Have there been an incidents that may have impacted her?

As for support for yourself, can you approach the GP for this? Or could you afford private counselling?

GCWorkNightmare · 19/11/2023 21:06

I had a horrendous relationship with my mother and left home at 17. I never went back.

30 years on I have almost no relationship with her still and limit my daughter’s time around her.

gamerchick · 19/11/2023 21:11

belge2 · 19/11/2023 19:58

Absolutely not! Neither of them have any money and I do not "approve" of him at all and therefore would not even suggest it!

Show quote history

You will or she will and you can't stop her OP.

If she's grown up to do what she wants, she's old enough to pay for her own phone though and whatever money she's getting from you. Supply the essentials and that's it.

Lastchancechica · 19/11/2023 21:32

I have a dd same age.
What stands out to me is her fathers lack of engagement, has it always been like this? For how long?
It’s possible she is reacting against his rejection and abandonment. Her new boyfriend is meeting her needs either to rebel against the lack of love from her df or he genuinely makes her feel loved/ gives her attention.

Find your empathy and be willing to listen to how difficult it’s been for her. She sounds hurt, lashing out. It’s not really about your ‘breakdown’ but stepping into a space that stops judging and expecting and start listening and being open to her. It’s hard. So hard being you are the parent, the adult. It will get better

Original poster
belge2 · 20/11/2023 15:09

@zeibesaffron I am so sorry you are going though similar too. I really hope things improve for you. I just find it all encompassing. I feel ridiculously happy if she will spend 10 minutes in my company ! I just want a calm and peaceful time at home, not too much to ask for surely. I am trying to look after myself but I spend a lot of time worrying . Thanks everyone for their comments. Someone asked about consequences- that's the thing, there aren't any really. If I say you cannot go to X she just goes anyway- climbs out of windows etc, doesn't come home at the right time etc ... I limit her money but she has a part time job so earns a bit herself for going out etc. I just pray that she will grow out of it one day ...

OP posts:
nozbottheblue · 20/11/2023 18:18

"Absolutely not! Neither of them have any money and I do not "approve" of him at all and therefore would not even suggest it"

Whoa!
There's a lot to be learned from your reaction here. Your daughter is trying to transition into an independent adult and it feels like you're having trouble taking this on board. ^All you report is negative about her, but she has a part-time job and does being in some money- tell us more about that? Is that something she likes doing and can be built on?
Perhaps she feels criticised by you and not respected?^
^I'm not criticising you OP and you're in a horrible situation, just trying to think of a way to break through your currently negative relationship.
How does she get on with her brothers? Would they be able to talk with her and work at resolving some of the issues?
Good luck^ Flowers

rrrrrreatt · 20/11/2023 18:38

It sounds really tough with your daughter, I’m sorry it’s so hard. What you’re trying doesn’t seem to be working so something will have to change if things are going to improve.

If you can’t take the stress, encourage her move out - fighting against her isn’t working. The reality of being a grown up won’t do her any harm and the space might help you both. But wherever she lives, she’s clearly unhappy and she’s telling you with her words, behaviour and attitude. Why does she hate you both?

You also say her boyfriend is unsuitable and you’re not going to suggest they live together but what makes him unsuitable? Is he unkind to her or abusive? Does he force her to do things she doesn’t want to do? Has she ever said anything to you about why she likes him? She’s nearly an adult and she’s chosen him, far better to support that choice so you can keep an eye on her than push her away by being judgemental about him.

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/11/2023 18:42

GCWorkNightmare · 19/11/2023 21:06

I had a horrendous relationship with my mother and left home at 17. I never went back.

30 years on I have almost no relationship with her still and limit my daughter’s time around her.

That's helpful to the OP, well done for that comment Hmm.

Squeaky2023 · 20/11/2023 18:48

I would stop the curfews and telling her that she can't go out. If you don't want her to go out and she does, tell her but finish by saying, "You're an adult now." Put some responsibility back to her, see how she handles it.
It gave our difficult, now 20 year old some pause for thought and reduced clashes.
She can't be climbing out of windows at her age. Let go a little bit on this one thing and reduce the conflict. It might increase the positivity.
Good luck; it's not easy.

LindorDoubleChoc · 20/11/2023 18:50

OP, apart from her boyfriend does she have friends from school? What are they like? Do you have any Mum friends who also know her? Can you ask them what they think is going on? How is she with her brothers?

It sounds awful ... but she must be unhappy! Does she give you any clues as to the root of her unhappiness?

I feel for you and know so many people who have been through this to a greater or lesser degree with their teens.

My own DS was a bit of a nightmare for a couple of years. He was a Kevin The Teenager - just found being at home and/or being with his parents deeply irritating and something he didn't want to do (but at the same time needed us deep down). He forgot to show love or appreciation, it was usually negative stuff getting thrown our way. He is now the grand old age of 20 and readily admits he was a bit of an arsehole at times (his words).

Original poster
belge2 · 21/11/2023 18:22

Thank you everyone. Yes I agree I have got into a cycle of negative, critical thoughts/ words as I am just so fed up and sad about it. I agree I can have no control over her and her boyfriend. But he is homeless and jobless so not able to rent somewhere! She works casually in a local restaurant - maximum once a week. I am trying, really trying to keep calm and positive but it's very difficult. Have so much other stuff going on in my life too which influences my stress levels greatly. My daughter is aware of this, and of course none of that stuff is not her problem. I take fully onboard that my reactions make things worse but when you are in the midst of all this it is very difficult to see the wood for the trees !
Ultimately I want her to be happy and successful (however that looks). That is what we all want for our kids. Her brothers try to talk to her about it and how her behaviour affects everyone etc. She sort of listens (temporarily !)

OP posts:
mintbiscuit · 21/11/2023 18:26

You ground an 18 year old and she climbs out of windows?!

she’s an adult! You cannot do that.