Nearly 18 DD is literally killing me with stress

[belge2]

Dramatic title but this is really how I feel.
We have had a very strained relationship for a couple of years now but it is currently about as bad as it could be.
She has a hugely unsuitable boyfriend- not studying, not working. Been kicked out of home by his parents (reasons unclear). She constantly fails to come home at agreed time. Smoking weed. Not going to school regularly. Generally very unpleasant at home (when she is here which is rare). Won't lift a finger to help , says why should she. All sorts of help is in place at school, psychologist, therapist etc just to try to get her through school. She hates me, husband (her father), basically everyone. I don't blame her boyfriend as she was like this before she met him but I feel he is not a positive person in her life. I am so so stressed and deeply upset all the time about how things are. She lies about everything and as a result I don't trust her at all.
I just want a loving, respectful relationship with my daughter. It feels like I have lost her. She has 2 older brothers, 1 at Uni, 1 working and living at home. We rub along fine. But she is so lost, miserable and I can't help her. She enjoys making me upset. It's got to the stage it is actually making me ill now. I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I just cannot see this ending positively at all. Sorry for the dump of emotions but I am broken by it all. Get no support from husband - he just doesn't engage at all,ever (that is another thread ).

Just to say, one of my DD's was the same. Totally different to her siblings. In a totally unsuitable relationship, behaviour at home atrocious. Dropped out of school and refused to work or go to college.

She got pregnant at 23. I was gutted, I have to admit, but she suddenly needed me again and slowly we rebuilt our relationship and she's late 20's now and a different person

She has a new partner, is a great mum and I'd say we're pretty close now.

I Hope things turn around for you

It will get better.

Just not straight away. Most teenagers go through a phase of hating their parents - mine certainly did. It's not fun to be around.

Drop the rope as much as you can.

If her phone use annoys you, stop paying for it. She has a part - time job - let her pay for it. Frame it as you are becoming an adult now if you want to.

If there's other things you pay for, consider stopping them. Not as punishment, but because she is now an adult. If you want to support her financially consider giving her an allowance, or paying for each day she is in school,

She's not going to like you or feel grateful for some time, so step back and stop expecting it.

Are there other issues going on? You mention a therapist and counsellor.

You shouldn't have to explain why your post is supposedly negative, u are explaining how u feel in that moment. To cover all grounds would take longer than a few paragraphs. You are in a rough place, u feel lost and frustrated and u don't need to be receiving criticism. I understand the no discipline, some children or young adults will just bypass it anyway they can. Take care of yourself the constant running on nerves is awful x

Why is your husband not engaging? Doesn’t she have a relationship with him?

Maybe get to know the boyfriend a lot better and stop “disapproving”. I have a 16yr old who is not in work/education and it’s not his fault.

He’s an amazing, caring, intelligent young man and he will blossom when it is his time. This might be in his 20s for all I know.

When my son eventually gets a girlfriend I hope he will not be met with negative judgement from her parents purely because of his school history.