Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ungrateful teen?

40 replies

Biscuit07 · 14/11/2023 08:53

My son turns 16 at the end of the month and with it being a big birthday we wanted to make it special, but he refused.
He doesn't want a meal out with his friends or to go anywhere or do anything.
That's fine, he's a teenager boy after all.

But I didn't want to not make him feel a little extra thought of this year, with it being his 16th
So I saw the trend where you do 16 presents leading up to his 16th birthday.
I shopped, wrapped, built a board with the numbers on for him to pick a number for a present each day, decorated it and set it all up.
I shouted him downstairs and told him
"tomorrow is officially 16 days until your 16th you get a present every day!"

We'll, it went down like a led balloon.
He didnt want any part of it. He said he didn't want to do it. He only wanted them on his birthday.
I explained that there's a reason, and some of his pressies are just little cute things.... No.
He didn't want it. And was almost mad?
So I took it all down but got a little teary.
His dad went up to his room and told him off and explained that it was cruel to act like that.

But I'm at a loss, is that normal teen boy behaviour. Or is he started to get cruel and ungrateful? I don't like to cause an issue when there isn't one
And maybe I should have listened from the start when he said he didn't want a fuss??

I'm unsure of how to proceed, I don't want to raise him with bad manners but I don't want to intentionally cause a rift.

He did say sorry later that night and I told him he had upset me. He left for school this morning in silence

OP posts:

BlackDeer · 14/11/2023 09:00

Does he usually react to things like this?
Does he have autism at all? Reason for asking that is people with autism don't tend to understand things like that, birthday is birthday!

Could he be worried about what is to come after he is 16? It may not even be related to the presents, it could be friendship issues, exams, the thought of moving on after school?

I personally would say, I tried very hard & I thought you'd like it, I was upset by your actions. Then ask is there something else which might be bothering him, even if it's not to do with his birthday. He'll probably say no but reassure him that if there is you will be there to listen & tell him you understand things in life can affect our mood, maybe give him an example of something that affects your mood. Then leave it.

I find when they're being like this, stepping back & actually being nice to them & saying that certain behaviour isn't acceptable & you're there to listen can sometimes help.

Swimeveryday · 14/11/2023 09:05

My son wouldn’t have liked this and neither would I. Everyone is different. Accept it’s not personal he just doesn’t feel comfortable with it.

POTC · 14/11/2023 09:06

Yes, you should have listened from the start.
Some people like fuss, some don't. I didn't. I'd have been mortified if this had been done to me after I'd specifically said no fuss! It's not a teenage boy thing, it's a his personality thing.

StellarPerformance · 14/11/2023 09:07

I suspect he may be having those hideous teenage struggles where you project it all inward and hate yourself for not being cool or happy or rich or good looking or popular with the girls etc etc. It's hard to be gracious when you just want to lash out.
I feel for you because you did something great to show your love and he has not been able to accept it. I would just keep supporting him, building him up, giving him opportunities to build himself up but do it all in a lower key way.
Try not to take it personally- you did a really lovely thing for him. But maybe it's not lovely being him at the moment, so he just couldn't join in.

Bibbetybobbity · 14/11/2023 09:09

Oh, I’m sorry that didn’t go down well and I can understand why your feelings were hurt. I think that was maybe just a bit embarrassing for a 16 year old? I don’t think you can really say he was ungrateful, because he didn’t want it from the start, but I get that you tried to do a sweet thing. I think chalk it up to experience, accept he’s a bit older and the cute stuff isn’t his bag at the moment.

AliceMcK · 14/11/2023 09:12

It’s not a him thing it’s a you thing. He said he didn’t want a fuss but you went ahead after seeing some internet craze and made it all about you.

Also unless you’re in the US 16th birthday has never been a big deal birthday, maybe 17 when you can learn to drive, but it’s usually 18 & 21 the big birthdays.

Bumdrops · 14/11/2023 09:17

In my experience teenagers feel embarrassment so easily and find aspects of life mortifying
I would guess there was something embarrassing about it to him ?

Precipice · 14/11/2023 09:28

He doesn't want it to be "special" (by your definition), even in the more commonplace way of a meal or going somewhere. Why then would he want it to be "special" in the out-there and more extreme way you suggested? He says he doesn't want it marked as a particular occasion in the more usual way, which is more lowkey, yet you're affronted he doesn't want it marked in a greater way yet?

Your child's not ungrateful. Your child is not having his expressed wishes respected, in respect of the celebration of his own birthday. The fact that you went to a lot of effort to set up your idea (with the board and everything) doesn't change the fact that what you've created is an idea he hates and completely out of line with what he expressed of his wishes. I think it's reasonable this upset him.

Needmorelego · 14/11/2023 09:30

I didn't want to turn 16. In my mind to me it was "the end of childhood". My diary I kept then is full of me doing a countdown - but a scared countdown (if that makes sense).
To be honest 16 isn't a particularly special age. You can legally have sex but you can't do anything else that you could do at 15.
He has apologised. Put the gifts to one side. If he wants them on the actual day then give them then. But if he doesn't want a fuss then don't fuss.
I don't even remember what I got on my 16th birthday (I did have to sit my GCSE french exam on the day....so that's all I remember).

Precipice · 14/11/2023 09:32

AliceMcK · 14/11/2023 09:12

It’s not a him thing it’s a you thing. He said he didn’t want a fuss but you went ahead after seeing some internet craze and made it all about you.

Also unless you’re in the US 16th birthday has never been a big deal birthday, maybe 17 when you can learn to drive, but it’s usually 18 & 21 the big birthdays.

Is it not a big deal birthday in Scotland now? Scottish teens ('young people') get so many rights at 16. You can vote and you get full legal capacity.

TryingToMakeSenseOfIt · 14/11/2023 09:33

I don't think he was being "cruel" (peculiar choice of word there, OP) or ungrateful. He'd told you he didn't want a fuss but you carried on with your present - giving thing anyway. I've never heard of giving anyone little gifts each day for well over 2 weeks before the day. (I'm guessing this is an American idea?). Stop hassling the lad, he doesn't want it - and he's not being ungrateful, he just dislikes all the nonsense.

Seeline · 14/11/2023 09:34

My DCs would have thought I'd gone mad if I'd done that for their 16th birthdays. They're not 6!
And teens are generally ungrateful - it's how their brains are programmed.

Nannyfannybanny · 14/11/2023 09:35

Why is it a"big" birthday? 18 you officially "come of age"become an adult,it's been the case for over 50 years,21 means nothing..let him have some money and a quiet birthday.

Ihatethenewlook · 14/11/2023 09:35

Your son told you he literally didn’t want to do anything special even on the actual day. And you decided the best thing to honour his wishes was create a ridiculously over the top celebration lasting 16 entire days, because of some internet trend you saw on TikTok or something

GloomySkies · 14/11/2023 09:36

Why on earth should he be 'grateful' for something he explicitly told you he didn't want, ie a big fuss? Let's be real. He didn't want this, you did it for you, albeit with the best intentions.

Bostonbakedbeans · 14/11/2023 09:39

You didn't listen to him, then ignored his wishes, and you think HE'S being unreasonable?
You're trying to make it into something he's not bothered about or has anxiety about. It's not about you. Talk to him.

redskyanight · 14/11/2023 09:39

I actually think it's preferable for people to say that they don't like things then pretend that they do. Yes, the way he acted wasn't ideal, but he did apologise later. Perhaps you need to model better communication "I appreciate you thought you were doing a nice thing, but I really didn't want any fuss and I find this embarrassing."

He told you he didn't want a fuss, and you went ahead and made a fuss anyway. I think your behaviour is worse than his tbh.

BigBoysDontCry · 14/11/2023 09:49

Just pack up the gifts and give them to him on his birthday. You didn't listen when he told you he didn't want a fuss and now complain you are upset when you ignored him.

Honestly, 16 isn't even a big thing in the uk including Scotland.

I think you should apologise.

SharedAccountWithMySister · 14/11/2023 09:53

So he explicitly said he didn’t want a fuss.

You go over the top with a countdown and a huge fucking contraption.

He doesn’t want it - he said he didn’t want a fuss and you decide to escalate this.

You and your DP guilt trip the poor lad because you didn’t listen to him.

You and your DP owe your son an apology.

Desecratedcoconut · 14/11/2023 09:57

I wouldn't be grateful to be maneuvered into a situation that involved a lot of palaver like this. Having to be grateful for a bunch of stuff he never asked or wanted for half a month on the run up to his birthday.

He said he didn't want much fuss and somehow you landed on fuss-maggedon.

And then you pull out the emotional blackmail and then he gets told off by his Dad? Poor kid.

watcherintherye · 14/11/2023 10:05

I would flip it round, tell him that you mistakenly thought that he’d enjoy it, were taken aback when he didn’t, but it’s unfair if you and his Dad made him feel guilty, as maybe you should have listened to him. Then chill out and go with the flow! I remember me at that age, and my own 16 year olds, and how difficult fathoming out life can seem… I’d make it right, op. He doesn’t sound a bad lad, and life’s too short.

Swimeveryday · 14/11/2023 10:08

The true understanding of being grateful comes when they move out to Uni after just turning 18 and they see the dust from the wheels of your car leaving them to fend for themselves. I cherish that moment.

Original poster

Biscuit07 · 14/11/2023 10:09

Thankyou everyone ❤️ I think I may have explained it a little wrong.

He had told me he didn't want a fuss - out and about.
As in, he didn't want a meal out or for us to pay for his friends to have a meal out.
I had told him I would do him 16 presents and he had been sending me links to things on amazon.
So he was happy for all of it to be quietly done at home.
It was more the set up and being bothered that we had brought him from his room, I think.

I always listen to him, he's my only son and I am constantly trying my absolute best to give him all the space he needs and respect him as a growing man.
I think his dad was upset because I was upset and he's already apologised to him.

I've taken it all down now and piled his presents up downstairs and I've told him he can open them all on his birthday or bit by bit.

Alot of them arnt even big gifts, they're funny little things that I thought would make him smile

But of course seeing it through others eyes is helpful.
I admit sometimes I do things that might be for me, we had no money for many years when he was little and now we're in a position to buy more, I sometimes go too far trying to make it up.
I'm aware of that and actively try not to put my issues on him.

I also think I was upset because I had a sudden realisation that he's not my little lad anymore.
Raising teens is hard and I am such a gentle parent that sometimes I like to seek advice to see if I'm letting him get away with too much.

But from what I've read, I think I'll explain to him. That he's allowed to feel like that and I won't do it again.

OP posts:

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 14/11/2023 10:16

I don’t know if the rest of the context/history helps clarify whether this is or isn’t the case but I am autistic and feel very uncomfortable being the centre of attention or having things done for me - I don’t even like my birthdays celebrated at all. Make people tend to be more socially conditioned to avoid big displays of emotion as well and teenage years are a time of much more awkwardness than usual for many reasons. My DP is quite a lot younger than I am and freely admits he was a difficult arsehole as a teenager, but on his birthday he got a box of little presents (including crisps and a children’s book) and promptly lit up with joy, got on a Skype to say how grateful he was and read me the book. Your DS might be having a mixture of awkwardness, teenage angst, he might be sulking with you about something else and also just overwhelm?

TheaBrandt · 14/11/2023 10:28

God I would hate this. This whole point
of birthday presents is to have something to open in the day and have a nice day of treats.

Flip

1 2