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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ungrateful teen?

40 replies

Biscuit07 · 14/11/2023 08:53

My son turns 16 at the end of the month and with it being a big birthday we wanted to make it special, but he refused.
He doesn't want a meal out with his friends or to go anywhere or do anything.
That's fine, he's a teenager boy after all.

But I didn't want to not make him feel a little extra thought of this year, with it being his 16th
So I saw the trend where you do 16 presents leading up to his 16th birthday.
I shopped, wrapped, built a board with the numbers on for him to pick a number for a present each day, decorated it and set it all up.
I shouted him downstairs and told him
"tomorrow is officially 16 days until your 16th you get a present every day!"

We'll, it went down like a led balloon.
He didnt want any part of it. He said he didn't want to do it. He only wanted them on his birthday.
I explained that there's a reason, and some of his pressies are just little cute things.... No.
He didn't want it. And was almost mad?
So I took it all down but got a little teary.
His dad went up to his room and told him off and explained that it was cruel to act like that.

But I'm at a loss, is that normal teen boy behaviour. Or is he started to get cruel and ungrateful? I don't like to cause an issue when there isn't one
And maybe I should have listened from the start when he said he didn't want a fuss??

I'm unsure of how to proceed, I don't want to raise him with bad manners but I don't want to intentionally cause a rift.

He did say sorry later that night and I told him he had upset me. He left for school this morning in silence

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/11/2023 10:33

Leave the poor kid alone. 16 is an awkward age as it is without people trying to force you to join in with the “cute”. (I’d hate all that fuss, too and I’m knocking on)

MaloneMeadow · 14/11/2023 12:35

He’s not being ungrateful, he’s probably just embarrassed and doesn’t know how to react! You’re being an overbearing mum and making a fuss out of things which he explicitly told you he didn’t want.

No 16 year old boy wants 16 days of ‘cute little things’. Even for an adult it’s absolutely cringe OP

DiverseButters · 14/11/2023 12:41

Bless you OP, you meant well.

This is exactly like me and my mum tbh.

I absolutely hate fuss and am easily embarrassed. I hate being centre of attention.

On many occasions she's ignored what I wanted and done what she wanted, I.e arranging cakes, surprise meals out, inviting loads of family to things I wanted to be quiet.

It's hard, but I've told her repeatedly I don't like it, and she still does it.

maximumcarnage · 14/11/2023 12:56

Your intentions were good. And due credit for wanting to do something nice. However he was clear he didn’t want fuss, even with your update considered.

I also don’t think DH telling him off was helpful. Quite the opposite. Odds are going forward he’s going to be even more adverse to Birthdays. I think an open relaxed conversation about it would have been much more helpful.

Mumski45 · 14/11/2023 13:03

Don't feel bad you had good intentions and in time he will learn to laugh at himself.

You are not alone, I have a teen DS turning 16 tomorrow and he is exactly the same. No presents, no meal out, no meet up with friends, all he wants is his favourite takeaway and some money. I have struggled with this but we do just have to accept it.

What is more annoying is that DH is also like this and he gets more and more like him every day. I'm still on the fence about whether or not this is a good thing!

To be fair he has prelims this week and has 3 papers tomorrow and I don't think he will relax till the end of the week.

Doingmybest12 · 14/11/2023 13:12

It's a pressure isn't it, enforced joviality. It's enough on one day but over 16 days? I would apologise, and say you got it wrong this time.

DoktorPeppa · 14/11/2023 13:17

He's not the unreasonable one in this scenario!

My DD has ASD and she would hate something like this - opening presents puts her on edge having to react in a specific way and being watched. She also struggles with parties.

I'm not suggesting your DS has ASD but he literally told you he didn't want a fuss!

waterrat · 14/11/2023 17:24

I think there is a balance isn't there - yes he may have felt oh god I don't want that - but I worry a bit about how we are raising young people if every single person on here thinks its fine for this boy to be openly rude about this!

You need to grow up understanding that when someone has gone out of their way - through love! - to do something caring for you - if they get it a bit wrong but it came from the right thoughtful place - you do your best to be kind and grateful.

What sort of message is it for a young man that he can be openly rude to his mum who has bought him a present?

And i'm saying that as the parent of an autistic child who definitely would get anxious about this!

Original poster

Biscuit07 · 14/11/2023 20:53

Thankyou it was nice to read a kind comment ❤️

OP posts:

MaloneMeadow · 14/11/2023 21:05

@Biscuit07 People aren’t being mean, they’re just being honest - which is what you punished your poor DS for being..

SirVixofVixHall · 14/11/2023 21:11

waterrat · 14/11/2023 17:24

What sort of message is it for a young man that he can be openly rude to his mum who has bought him a present?

And i'm saying that as the parent of an autistic child who definitely would get anxious about this!

I agree with this.
OP you tried to do a lovely thing for him, and that is what matters.
I do think when he is older he will remember you trying to make him happy.
Of course the feeling of our teenagers matter, but the feelings of mothers matter too !

Muchtoomuchtodo · 14/11/2023 21:20

Just a warning - this is likely to repeat itself on other birthdays. Our eldest really didn’t want a fuss for their 18th. I was disappointed as I was feeling very proud of them and us, but it’s their birthday.

In the end we went out for steak and chips at their favourite local pub after college and came home for cake. Then they went to meet their friends. The day after they thanked me and said it was a perfect birthday!

They’re young adults and we need to remember that they can make their own choices.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 14/11/2023 21:26

It’s really understandable although it’s not kind. His emotional response is one thing and the way he expresses it, particularly not being able to reflect on it and improve his behaviour later or apologise, is another. The latter is what you have a right to get more than annoyed about.

BackAgainstWall · 16/11/2023 18:41

I think it was a brilliant idea - lovely, thoughtful and kind of you.

It would have been something he would have always remembered.

Why shouldn’t you as his mother try and do something special like that.

Ok, unfortunately it didn’t go to plan, but don’t ever stop being such a thoughtful mum.

I don’t understand why some of these unimaginative boringly safe posters are blaming you!! 😂

BlackDeer · 16/11/2023 22:09

We just want the best for our kids & to give them joy & it really is a kick in the guts when they're so flat! I find it very hard as I've never been like that, not even as a teen but then I didn't get much so maybe that's why.

You've done a lovely thing & he'll remember it when he's older hopefully & think how ungrateful he was!

This Christmas I feel so flat because they're older & just don't get excited, it's something hard to get used to isn't it!

Like another poster said, don't change who you are, he'll remember it when he's older & most likely does enjoy part of it, especially as you said he was sending links etc!

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