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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15yr old tantrum

44 replies

Northernlass1234 · 13/11/2023 12:35

So last night, my 15 year old DD had a major meltdown that started because i accidentally threw away some £10 earrings that she had left downstairs in a bag!

Cue total meltdown that lasted several hours. She would not get out if my room until i switched the Wi-Fi back on which i was refusing to do!

Eventually she went to bed around 1130 after i had literally pushed her out my bedroom door!

Obviously now she is saying hit her etc - but I’m still so cross with her i didn’t even look at her this morning!

So in my position- very late at night -tempers high and lots of shouting🤦‍♀️. How do you get a teenager out of your bedroom when they refuse to leave!

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 13/11/2023 12:47

It sounds like an awful evening all round.

I'm a bit curious about the shenanigans about the wifi - how come it turned off - is that usually a timed thing or was it something you did as a response to the earlier 'tantrum'?

Would she have left your room if you had turned it on? What did she want to do, look to see if she could replace the earrings or chat to mates? I think I'd have put in on for half an hour for her. There was no way she could have gone from that level of stress to sleeping straight away anyway.

I wouldn't have pushed her.

Original poster
Northernlass1234 · 13/11/2023 13:07

I turned the Wi-Fi off because she started tantruming. She was going to go downstairs to her room only when i put the Wi-Fi back on which i was refusing to do.

So whilst pushing her out - not ideal at all there was no way she would leave until i gave in. I was not prepared to do that.

No i doubt she slept - me neither but she did go to school

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 13/11/2023 13:22

Has turning off the wifi ever stopped a tantrum before? Had you expected it to help her get a more proportional level of upset at you accidentally throwing out her earrings? Or is this a punishment for bad behaviour?

I don't think that's helping you or her, tbh. Or, maybe it has in the past but it's not helping now. I think a distraction away from the full thrust of her feelings was probably a fairly safe way of moving past this incident, rather than getting locked into it.

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 13:28

Surely if you threw her ear rings away you just said "Oh, I'm sorry-here's the money for another pair"...

CuntRYMusicStar · 13/11/2023 13:31

It sounds like you're minimising the reason for upset - 'the earrings were only £10' rather than just owning the mistake and paying her back? Agree she shouldn't have had a 'tantrum'. Maybe when she gets back today sit down over a cup of tea and apologise for the earrings then ask for an apology from her for her behaviour and talk through how to improve your communication?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 13/11/2023 13:33

What was your solution to throwing the earrings out?

SomersetBrie · 13/11/2023 13:35

It actually relieves me in some ways that the magical turning off the wifi does not solve every known problem as I am sometimes led to believe. I thought there was something wrong with us.
We tried this once and I ended up caving and switching it back on as a medium sized upset turned into a world ending catastrophe.
Now I try to avoid escalating a argument (hard though it is) and don't use wifi as a threat any more.
Still open to other ideas though to calm things down when they get out of control.

Original poster
Northernlass1234 · 13/11/2023 13:35

Yes i said that but i did explain to her that they had been sitters downstairs unopened in an old Amazon packet since they arrived - months ago !

what I’m really asking is - when your teenager is threatening you with not leaving your bedroom - do you do as they want???

i didn’t! Anyway i am out tonight and hoping said teenager will be in bed when i get home. Wi-Fi is still off

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 13:39

So you didn't replace the ear rings? Did you apologise to her?

PeskyPotato · 13/11/2023 13:43

Northernlass1234 · 13/11/2023 13:35

Yes i said that but i did explain to her that they had been sitters downstairs unopened in an old Amazon packet since they arrived - months ago !

what I’m really asking is - when your teenager is threatening you with not leaving your bedroom - do you do as they want???

i didn’t! Anyway i am out tonight and hoping said teenager will be in bed when i get home. Wi-Fi is still off

So you rowed with a child, and haven't spoken to them since and hope to not speak to them tonight?

Be the adult.

And the answer is you don't make them leave?! You sit with them and talk and work out why they're so upset and come to a solution. No tantruming is not ok, but they're only 15 and sometimes emotions become too much to handle and they need your love and guidance not shoved out and ignored for days.

Desecratedcoconut · 13/11/2023 13:43

If you had known they had been sitting in an opened packet downstairs for months, how did you end up accidentally throwing them out?

AliceOlive · 13/11/2023 13:45

I don’t understand any of this.

Why a package would be sitting in a common area for months. How you throw away an unopened without checking to see what is in it. How she planned to use the internet while having a tantrum. I get why she’s so obsessed with the internet but also seems like you used it as a threat.

Is everything just generally out of control there?

IncompleteSenten · 13/11/2023 13:46

I would have begun by apologising and buying replacements, then saying that in future I will check what's in packets instead of just throwing away a packet without knowing what's in it. I would acknowledge that's a stupid thing to have done. I would then tell her she also needs to take responsibility for her things and not leave them lying around for months.

If she was having a tantrum and refusing to leave my room then I'd do one of 2 things.

1 say fine, I'll sleep in your room tonight and go to her room

I'm guessing I'd have had about 5 seconds there before she came in, at which point I'd have gone back into my room.

Or 2, just let her stay in my room and I'd get into bed. She doesn't need to leave the room in order for me to get into bed.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 13/11/2023 13:48

My 15 year old has never done that. I can't imagine him doing that. I can't imagine things escalating that badly where he's refusing to leave my bedroom at 11.30. Teenage tantrums are part of life but what did you do to deescalate the situation and find a solution before it for that far?

LuluBlakey1 · 13/11/2023 13:49

I wouldn't be going out tonight and leaving this unresolved. It sounds like it got out if hand and some things need to change on both sides. An evening where you are both at home in a better atmosphere and able to talk is needed.

Desecratedcoconut · 13/11/2023 13:50

I mean, I have boys. Saying I'm about to get changed for bed clears the room in a heartbeat.

But I don't think I'd be going to bed with this much bad feeling washing about. Neither of you ended up with any sleep in any case. I'd sit and talk with her and if talking wasn't getting anywhere, I'd put on a movie, make a round of hot chocolate and just let everybody's nerves settle.

MaloneMeadow · 13/11/2023 13:50

The real question is why on earth are you turning the wifi off for a 15 year old?

FunnysInLaJardin · 13/11/2023 13:52

I will never understand why people think they can parent their teens by force.

Turning off the wifi will not resolve anything, it will just inflame the argument and make it much worse than it ought to have been.

I know it is the done thing on here to be super harsh on teens and bend them to your will, however all you will do is push them away

EvenBetta · 13/11/2023 13:52

‘when your teenager is threatening you with not leaving your bedroom’
Yeah I don’t think that’s a thing commonly experienced by people? Has she seen a GP about having meltdowns for several hours?

StBrides · 13/11/2023 13:53

There are a lot of wonderful parents on this thread

Quartz2208 · 13/11/2023 13:57

It takes two to tango I suspect how you behaved didn’t exactly help.

did you deliberately throw the earths away and how did she notice

but what you do know is be the calm adult, talk to her, switch the Wi-Fi back on and model good behaviour
to avoid her

LBFseBrom · 13/11/2023 13:59

CurlewKate · 13/11/2023 13:28

Surely if you threw her ear rings away you just said "Oh, I'm sorry-here's the money for another pair"...

That's what I thought.

MissyB1 · 13/11/2023 14:00

You both lost the plot. I get it though, I hold my hand up that I’ve got it wrong with my teen sometimes, they know how to push your buttons!

Apologise to her. Admit that it all got out of hand,and that you would like to be able to sort things out in a more constructive way in future. Turn the Wi-Fi on.

Kindofcrunchy · 13/11/2023 14:00

You messed up here OP. It was your responsibility to apologise for throwing away the earrings and you should have reimbursed her. You should be modelling emotional regulation; how is she going to learn if your reaction is to turn the WiFi off indefinitely? She is a child, with a child's brain. Spend some time with her rather than avoiding her.

EvenBetta · 13/11/2023 14:01

If someone is out of control, then shouting at them, pushing them and turning off WiFi is not going to make the situation calm and happy. That’s just obvious and not at all ‘wonderful’. OP needs to speak to her child and find out why she can’t control herself. Ask her for her suggestions on how to make the home an enjoyable peaceful place to be.

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