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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My teenager hates school and I don't know what to do.

52 replies

clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:12

She is in year 8 (13 years old) and since going back to school in September she has hates it. She cried every morning and even in the evening thinking about school the following day. I've left for work before and she has come home and let herself in and not gone to school. I've met with school, who have said there is no bullying, no issue with the work and dd has confirmed.

I just don't know what to do I can't go on like this and moving school isn't really an option because there are no more in the area and dd has said moving school will make it worse.

I think it might be girls in her year group are quite nasty and "rough" and dd is quiet. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 07:15

What does she want to do ?
Have you ruled out SEN as it can often present differently in girls, and show up as what looks like MH.

Afteropening · 13/11/2023 07:18

You mention you have spoken with the school

but have you talked to her? Not just before school but rather a quiet time, 1-2-1?

disappearingfish · 13/11/2023 07:19

Is there an option to move schools?

You and your DD and the schools will need to be really proactive in finding a solution or you'll have a school refuser on your hands and that's a nightmare situation!

Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:20

@DustyLee123 she doesn't know what she wants to do. I have thought about SEN but it was just like a switch that started in September last year was fine.

@Afteropening DH and I have both spoken with her lots during the day and weekend and she just becomes upset, says she just hates school. The thought of it and even seeing her uniform sets her off 🥲

OP posts:
disappearingfish · 13/11/2023 07:20

Sorry, I've just read properly and you say she can't move.

You and/or her dad need to take some time off work and spend some time in the school to get to the bottom of this.

limefrog · 13/11/2023 07:21

It will almost definitely be a social issue with other people in her year group.

You can't have her crying every day, that's not a sustainable situation for anyone. You need to resolve this. Will she speak about it at all?

You need to find out what the issue actually is, and then decide whether school can help to resolve it or whether she needs to move schools.

CandyLeBonBon · 13/11/2023 07:21

clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:12

She is in year 8 (13 years old) and since going back to school in September she has hates it. She cried every morning and even in the evening thinking about school the following day. I've left for work before and she has come home and let herself in and not gone to school. I've met with school, who have said there is no bullying, no issue with the work and dd has confirmed.

I just don't know what to do I can't go on like this and moving school isn't really an option because there are no more in the area and dd has said moving school will make it worse.

I think it might be girls in her year group are quite nasty and "rough" and dd is quiet. I just don't know what to do.

Have you considered home educating?

Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:22

@disappearingfish there is an option to move school but I don't know if that's the right decision I just don't know what to do for the best.

I'm going into school this morning with her again. It seems like dinner time and breaks where there are big crowds, but she was fine last year

OP posts:
Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:23

@limefrog I think it might be social issues too, but I just can't get anything out of her. I know a lot of the girls are in groups and bitchy and I don't think she has found her friendship group at high school.

OP posts:
limefrog · 13/11/2023 07:24

@clowningaround6 The school might say there's no bullying but to be honest they are usually clueless unless things are very obvious. Also, it might not be bullying, it might be something like that no one will be friends with her or she has no one to be with at lunch time etc.

You need to find the root cause of the issue before you can make any decision about it.

Is there a school counsellor/ pastoral support person? Sometimes they are helpful people to involve.

DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 07:24

See if there’s somewhere she can go at break times, like doing ‘jobs’ for teachers, or clubs.

DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 07:25

Pastoral often have places set up for kids to go to at break/lunch.

limefrog · 13/11/2023 07:27

clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:23

@limefrog I think it might be social issues too, but I just can't get anything out of her. I know a lot of the girls are in groups and bitchy and I don't think she has found her friendship group at high school.

If it's that she doesn't have any friends then she is possibly embarrassed to speak about that.

A way in could be just making some comments about how difficult school is, how you don't always find your crowd, etc. and just telling her you are there and you do get it, there's nothing wrong with her if she doesn't have friends etc.

She might need a lot of reassurance and gentle chat before she'll open up.

Definitely worth involving any pastoral support at the school as well though.

TheOutlaws · 13/11/2023 07:28

Your DD is at the exact age where things start to fall apart for girls in school, who have previously been ‘masking’ their difficulties. This can manifest as separation anxiety and school refusal. I could give you many, many examples from my time in teaching (20 years).

I would ask for a meeting with school where they can set out their concerns, and you can set out yours. You can then come up with a plan involving a key adult at school for your DD, and more structured break times/lunch breaks. I would also go to the GP, perhaps with a view to getting DD assessed for additional needs (ASD/ADHD). The queue is years long in my area.

Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:54

TheOutlaws · 13/11/2023 07:28

Your DD is at the exact age where things start to fall apart for girls in school, who have previously been ‘masking’ their difficulties. This can manifest as separation anxiety and school refusal. I could give you many, many examples from my time in teaching (20 years).

I would ask for a meeting with school where they can set out their concerns, and you can set out yours. You can then come up with a plan involving a key adult at school for your DD, and more structured break times/lunch breaks. I would also go to the GP, perhaps with a view to getting DD assessed for additional needs (ASD/ADHD). The queue is years long in my area.

Thank you for this. I have arranged a telephone call this morning with head of year

OP posts:
Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:55

@limefrog she does have friends and parents evening last year all teachers said everyone wants to be her friend. I know friends ask her to go out at the weekend or stay over for sleep over and she says she doesn't want to.

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endometriosis · 13/11/2023 07:56

My dd (13) lasted about 3 weeks at secondary school and we now home educate . She’s autistic and the environment was like a constant ADOS test for her it was just too much and she was really ill from it

Bandolina · 13/11/2023 07:57

Poor kid sounds depressed
Ask your GP for a CAMH referral or pay if you can afford it

DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 08:03

It sounds like she has anxiety, or possibly starting with depression, and this happens so often in SEN. Girls mask for years, but they can’t keep it up and it comes out in MH symptoms.
My first job would to be to get her assessed for ASD, and get support from pastoral.

FlyingFlamingo · 13/11/2023 08:09

Do they have a ‘safe space’ she can go at break times? Dd2 is year 7 and waiting for an ASD assessment and it’s breaktimes she struggles with so she goes to the learning centre at breaks where there is always an ALNCO on duty and she can just sit and eat her lunch and read a book without having to go near the dinner hall, it has really helped her. She has made a few friends this term but she still prefers the peace of the learning area, and the reassurance of having an ALNCO there to chat to. Could you ask for something similar?

limefrog · 13/11/2023 08:14

clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 07:55

@limefrog she does have friends and parents evening last year all teachers said everyone wants to be her friend. I know friends ask her to go out at the weekend or stay over for sleep over and she says she doesn't want to.

You said you didn't think she has found her friendship group at high school though?

Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 08:14

@Bandolina I don't think she's depressed as she is fine at the weekend or after school or when we do days as a family but as soon school is mentioned or it's the morning that's when the tears start.

OP posts:
Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 08:15

@limefrog she has lots of friends and they want to be her friend but she doesn't like going out with them, she says they are not her kind of people, that's what I meant when I said not found her friendship group, she does have girls who want to be her friend

OP posts:
Original poster
clowningaround6 · 13/11/2023 08:16

FlyingFlamingo · 13/11/2023 08:09

Do they have a ‘safe space’ she can go at break times? Dd2 is year 7 and waiting for an ASD assessment and it’s breaktimes she struggles with so she goes to the learning centre at breaks where there is always an ALNCO on duty and she can just sit and eat her lunch and read a book without having to go near the dinner hall, it has really helped her. She has made a few friends this term but she still prefers the peace of the learning area, and the reassurance of having an ALNCO there to chat to. Could you ask for something similar?

I'm going to speak with head of year today and hopefully can arrange something like a safe space for lunch time, etc

OP posts:
FatLarrysBanned · 13/11/2023 08:18

Sounds exactly like my DD13. She managed to get to the start of year 8 then had an absolute meltdown after years of anxiety and tears about school. Please get online and read up about autism in girls. See if things sound familiar around social interactions, sensory processing etc. I hadn't even considered it and always thought DD was shy, sensitive, introverted, a home bird etc. She hasn't been to school since January and due to the waiting list I've decided to get a private assessment done. Your daughter having some time out will not be the end of the world, but she will be able to start to recover physically and mentally if she is suffering from burnout. Please listen to her when she says she can't do it anymore.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism

What is autism

Autism is a lifelong developmental disability which affects how people communicate and interact with the world. There are approximately 700,000 autistic adults and children in the UK.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism