My teenager hates school and I don't know what to do.

[clowningaround6]

She is in year 8 (13 years old) and since going back to school in September she has hates it. She cried every morning and even in the evening thinking about school the following day. I've left for work before and she has come home and let herself in and not gone to school. I've met with school, who have said there is no bullying, no issue with the work and dd has confirmed.

I just don't know what to do I can't go on like this and moving school isn't really an option because there are no more in the area and dd has said moving school will make it worse.

I think it might be girls in her year group are quite nasty and "rough" and dd is quiet. I just don't know what to do.

They are often ok when everything is going their way, then as soon as their trigger arrives, they melt down.

@FatLarrysBanned thank you very much for that and for the link, I will have a read through.

@DustyLee123 I think it might be worth making appointment with GP, thank you.

Hi OP, We went through a phase where my quiet son was v. frightened of some of the rougher kids at school and feeling v vulnerable/lost. We found a really good karate class - he felt he would be better if he knew how to defend himself if needed, though he had never been attacked.

It did his confidence the world of good. Karate can be done on your own - no need to negotiate team dynamics and he loved it. There was no fighting but lots of badges/belts to be earned, lots of awards, lots of praise. He soon forgot about the self defence stuff, gained new friends and a heap of confidence and school became better as a result.

It might not work for everyone but it might be worth a try. . . .

Is there anything she likes doing that she can do outside school? My ds was in a school with very few people who shared his main interests-but he went to a youth theatre that gave him a social group and close friends. That made school bearable. But he did have people to chat to and eat his lunch with at school, so obviously not as extreme as your dd.

This sounds like textbook female 'unmasking' to be honest OP.
It's often quite sudden, usually around ages 12/13 and a form of burnout from being a pretty model pupil for years.

If there's genuinely no other school issues then I suggest having a read of this and taking it from there.

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

l know friends ask her to go out at the weekend or stay over for sleep over and she says she doesn't want to

On top of hating school, this adds to the ND thing. They can avoid seeing people outside school. My dd hated school in y9,10,11 and we had trouble getting her in. Diagnosed in Nov of Year 12, crashed out in April of year 12.

How distressing to see her unhappy like that. My strategy fwiw would not be to move her without getting to the bottom of things. While trying to make sense of it I would make sure that I acknowledged her misery but also would try to frame school as not something to 'like'. Home should be where DC feel content and happy and school is a necessary for learning. They are home more than they are at school although , of course, it does not feel like that to her. Try to spend as much positive time as possible with her , giving her some agency over how time ( not money) is spent .Year 9 is usually miserable for girls but it can be year 8 and I am sure we all have memories of rubbish times at that age. Crying everyday is awful so keep up dialogue with school and keep an open mind about SEN as it can show at this age when academic demands are ramping up.

Hi Op I have an autistic school refusing daughter.

The first thing I would say - is that just because she coped in the familiar and safe environment of a primary school - doesn't mean she does not have SEN

Many children fall apart at secondary - the transition is just insane for them.

The second thing is - I think we as parents, as a society need to call out the problems with secondary school in the UK> It is for many children total torture.

Even my totally socially outgoing son finds secondary really really tough - I often see him in tears at how boring/ strict/ long/ sedentary the day is.

If you add in introverted character or anxiety or SEN - I think it just beyond what a lot of kids can cope with.

In this position (and I expect to be in it with my daughter) - I think you have to either push hard for serious adjustments - ie. part time timetable/ quiet spaces / removal of all punishments/ and seeif she can cope.

OR - you remove her and home ed.

It's really shit that we have a one size fits all industrial school system and the more people speak up against it the better.

Why would moving make it worse? That sounds like she is being bullied. A girl has told her that. Or a boy. But possibly a girl. Mine had a horrific year 8. It's psychological torture. I would think about moving her if you can. Private?

I could have written your post. I even just sent it to my DH and asked if he wrote it, I couldn’t believe the similarities.

I don’t know what to do and am considering home educating. I can’t stand the thought of leaving her in there so anxious and upset.

This happened with my DD at exactly the same age. COVID saved us for a bit and gave her the breathing space she needed. Had therapy and turned out she has ASD, the school made some adjustments for the GCSE year. These kind of helped but I still think that it was all the home schooling during COVID that really helped. I did offer to continue home schooling to her, but she didn't want to.

Pleased to say that she has thrived at a small FE college and is looking at Uni.

WhT did the HOY say?

I started a new school
two horrible girls
it went on for a few weeks, my parents back and forth with the school

at half term - I moved to a different school. Best thing ever. Loved it.

So grateful my parents acted so swiftly and decisively.

The problem often isn't with the child, rather the school. School, especially secondary, can be a very unpleasant environment for many students. Most fare much better being home educated. They often go on to adapt well to other environments further on down the line. My advice would be a fresh start, some parents force their children to school thinking it's the best thing to do, the results are often devastating. No child wants to be in this situation, it is not defiance or acting out, something has gone very wrong, don't send her back to what is making her sick.

Not a fan of home schooling. Kids need healthy peer interaction. But move schools. A lot of state schools are very stressful places. Most of my friends that went private had a better education at the very least. State is underfunded. And kids are brutal.

Maybe there needs to be some home schooling clubs where 10 / 20 mothers get together. And hire tutors.

Quite a feat…. All same age, all local, all same standard.

That's called a school and would be subject to ofsted.

please take a look at this website:

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/families

I completely agree with this.

It's very common for girls' SEND eg ADHD and Autism to only become evident post puberty, in years 8 and 9.

My dd was a textbook example of this.

I'm thinking ASD.

Maybe she just doesn't want many friends and needs time alone.

Echo the not fine in school Facebook page

Tonnes of support there.

Also echo ASD

My dd crashed out year 12. Not diagnosed. We had no idea. Straddles whole of secondary. Got worse each year.

Struggled that should say.

She is now diagnosed asd and adhd. Had to go private too

This is very similar to my DD, I've posted before under this user name, but the short version, all her 'scaffolding' from primary school came tumbling down in Y8 - all be it we changed country/schools as well. Ultimately, she was diagnosed with ASD1, and with therapy and time, she's coping quite well. (For the record, she found art-based therapy the best as she can be doing something whilst talking, as she found it too intense just to be sat talking with a therapist)

One of the important things I've learned over the last two years is it's OK to acknowledge that she may never enjoy school; it may never be her thing. It doesn't mean it goes away, or everything is solved, but for DD, knowing that it's not obligatory to have the best time of your life can take the pressure off.

Her school library is open and run by an awesome woman who welcomes in many of the quieter kids at lunch and break; they can sit and just be or she'll find them stuff to do. It's been a godsend for DD and a way to meet like-minded people. It may be worth asking the school if they have something similar or can even set something up - I promise she won't be the only one feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you so much for all your replies and links, they have been really helpful and sorry for posters going through similar. It's so hard.

I had telephone call with head of year yesterday morning, who invited us both in for a meeting. She has agreed some things to help dd, so she can arrive 10 minutes late every morning that way the crowds will be in class. They have given her a pass to a room she can access whenever she feels overwhelmed or if she would like to spend lunch time in there and they have said she can bring a friend. They have been helpful and dd seemed more relaxed last night, we shall see what this morning is like. Thanks again for replies and the links