Going away to University

[likearollingstone1]

My daughter leaves for University next year (5 hours away) and I'm dreading it. She has been very keen to visit universities alone (with friends) and was very adamant that she didn't want me involved. It has always just been the two of us and I am dreading her leaving as she says she doesn't want me contacting her all the time when she's there and that she doesn't plan on coming home very much at all, and doesn't want me involved in her life. She's had some mental health issues over the last few years so naturally I'm just so worried about her going, that she will keep up with her meds etc (she had ADHD) and that she will be okay. She's generally very sensible and intelligent and can look after herself (she recently spent the summer holiday away from home working at a hotel and did wonderfully) but yeah, I am just worried about her, as well as of course really sad that she's leaving and doesn't want me involved. We have always been close and she's always kept me in the loop about her life but over the last couple of years she's adopted this attitude that she doesn't want me involved in important things in her life. She says I'm controlling (which I probably am!) but she doesn't seem to get that all i want is for her to be happy and safe and to be a part of her life. She can go from talking my ear off to just about everything to turning around and telling me that basically, she doesn't want me in her life.

If you recognise that you are controlling then I would massively back off in terms of active parenting, she is after all either an adult or nearly an adult. Concentrate on being a supportive listening ear and bite your tongue if she is challenging.

Find ways that are acceptable to both of you in terms of things that she says you are controlling. In a few months she could just walk out of your life. You can't keep her safe at uni, you can only give her the skills to keep herself safe. If she stays out late get her an uber account (if you can afford it). If she doesn't like what you cook encourage her to cook for herself. If she doesn't like you going in her room to collect laundry, she does her own washing.

My dd could not wait to leave. Wouldn't be back until Christmas, yet has been back twice already.

She says I'm controlling (which I probably am!)

If you really work on not being controlling between now and when your daughter leaves then you might find that she won't want to distance herself from you.

It's a good while before she leave for uni. I guess she is in her last year of A levels which is often a stressful time for everyone.

Thank you. I feel like I haven't always been this controlling, but since a couple of incidents when she took an overdose I've just found myself in a complete state of panic and worry, which just irritates her for example when I'm constantly checking in on her and asking how she is. Things have been a lot better for her since she was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication, but I guess the more I keep on to her, the less likely she is to let me in.

Although in my defense, she has a lot more freedom and always has had than most of her friends and I've never tried to control her life... I guess what I mean by controlling is that I'm always on at her to let me know she's safe etc, and I know I am definitely "too much" in terms of keeping on to her about taking her medication and asking her how she's feeling constantly.

That sounds really difficult. I'm not surprised you find it hard to step back after your daughter took an overdose. Hopefully things will settle down over the course of the year.

I can understand your anxiety OP but going to uni is an adult thing.

I would ask her to make contact with someone at the uni, there might be a wellbeing team, but there will be some form of support.

ANyway ask her to contact who ever and give them permission to talk to you if she self harms or is having more MH issues.

Hopefully it will never happen but I think it would make you feel less anxious.

We have always had a mantra in our house that nothing that happens and nothing that you do is so bad that you can't come home. Failed courses, debt, social embarrassment, pregnancy. DH and I are always here.

It was said way before DC went to uni.

The idea is that they crack on with lives at Uni and beyond. We understand that they are busy but would always welcome a chat and will be here without judgement if disaster strikes.

As it happens DS used to ring weekly for the first couple of years, now more ad hoc. It isn't usually more than a fortnight. DD can be twice a week for a quick chat. And very few disasters.

My advice to you would be to do the same. Go and be free. Would always love a chat and am here if needed but it is the right time to enjoy independence.

Unfortunately I know for sure that she would not give anyone at the university permission to talk to me should she have another episode... it's such a difficult situation to explain. For example, I have been trying for years and years to get her to access mental health services for help. She refused. We argued. Until I stepped back and she asked for help... which involved me paying privately for her to get a ADHD diagnosis. It's cost nearly £2,000 and has put me in debt but I didn't care, I was just so glad she was getting help. I basically paid for it but she made it clear to the private doctors and GP that she didn't want them sharing information with me. she doesn't like to discuss things with me. Sometimes she does, but mostly she gets angry and defensive when I try to approach her about things (I guess she is embarrassed, though she needn't be) and tells me to stay out of her life etc and that I make things worse.

I know uni is an adult thing. And she's 18. And I must let her go and let her figure things out herself. But I'm absolutely terrified. How do you let go, not make the relationship worse, but not try to ensure she's taking care of her mental health? I suppose I need to trust that she will do it. All I want is a relationship with her, to be part of her life, I guess I'm asking to be a friend when I'm a parent...

You just have to be terrified.

You have almost a whole year to pull back on your controlling and work on a healthier relationship with her.

My dd is away at university. Yesterday she told her that her and her flatmates are going to a Malaysian restaurant tonight. Dd is anaphylactic to peanuts.

We've spent years not going to places where she can't eat.

I wanted to shake her and ask her what she thought she was playing at but I know if I do that she will stop telling me things. So I just had to say 'don't forget your epipens'.

She's nineteen. She has to make her own decisions now. It's up to her to decide if she wants to go to a Maylasian restaurant now.

You say all you want is for her to be safe, and happy and be a part of her life. But asking her if she's taken her medications and asking her to tell you if she's safe is making her feel like you are nagging her.

My son literally had a medical secretary, PA, taxi driver, interview preparer, revision supervisor, laundry woman and chef in me before he left for Uni this year (which is 6 hours away). He could not wait to leave us too! I dropped him off and thought good luck son! He is loving Uni and coping well but obviously missing the entourage of staff he had in me 😂. He has not been home since September but he is looking forward to coming home at Christmas. We will pick him up and take him back as the train is over £300 and we fancy a mini break anyway. Don’t worry she will be in touch with you. She sounds like an independent young woman just exerting her independence. You’ve done a great job.

Just keep repeating to yourself that there are some things that you can't control or do anything about. Take a deep breath and carry on with your day.

You can't make you daughter be sensible. You will have more control if she thinks you are on your side.

It's really hard to shift the dynamic away from the mother - child daughter dynamic to a more adult based relationship. You have to fake it and muddle along.

For example, I have been trying for years and years to get her to access mental health services for help. She refused. We argued. Until I stepped back and she asked for help.

So the very clear message here is that if you step back, allow her control of HER situation, she does the sensible thing. Do you recognise that?

she doesn't like to discuss things with me. Sometimes she does, but mostly she gets angry and defensive when I try to approach her about things (I guess she is embarrassed, though she needn't be) and tells me to stay out of her life etc and that I make things worse.

Again she is making her needs and her boundaries very very clear and you are ignoring them. She isn't telling you because she's embarrassed, it's because as soon as she does tell you things you'll start, or want, to take control. SHE wants to be in control.

We have always been close and she's always kept me in the loop about her life but over the last couple of years she's adopted this attitude that she doesn't want me involved in important things in her life. She says I'm controlling (which I probably am!)

She's a different person. She's not part of your body any longer. Give her some space otherwise you'll lose her.

Don't stop her having her own life because you don't have a life separate from her.

This is what we do - raise children to be themselves and have their own lives. Back off!

I realise this. However, when she doesn't take her medication, or forgets, she becomes quite unwell. It's a part of her ADHD that she's very unorganised and forgetful and then it's a vicious circle... she gets behind on her school work, her mood is low.. .and if she forgets to order her medication its very stressful as i get the brunt of it. I realise I'm not doing her any favours either as she knows I'm there to pick up the pieces financially and that it's not encouraging her independence for me to always be there reminding her. It feels like yes I need to step back and she needs me to, but that if I do there's the worry and anxiety about how she will be if she doesn't order her medication, make her GP appointments. I realise what you are all saying, but it's very difficult when you're living with the constant worry and upset about whether you will get another call in the early hours of the morning from a hospital to say that your daughter has taken an overdose. I'm sorry if I come across as controlling. I'm just really worried.

You’ve received some really good advice, and you realise you have to step back and let her go, secure in the knowledge that you’ll be there if she needs you.
she’s at a very scary and exciting time, your job is to acknowledge that with her and help her make the final moves away.

I want to hear your plans for the next year? If your only focus is her, that puts pressure on her and stress on you.

get some new hobbies and interests, make some plans, book weekends away… the more you fill your days the less you’ll worry about her and her you.

However, when she doesn't take her medication, or forgets, she becomes quite unwell. It's a part of her ADHD that she's very unorganised and forgetful

She needs to learn how to manage her disability & cognitive impairment - gradually & with support. But she needs to learn how to do this herself. And she'll learn this by making mistakes.

If a) she ticks the disability box on her UCAS form when applying for universities, and b) her disability is diagnosed & certified properly, then there will be support via her university's student services. But the emphasis will be on support for her to learn how to manage her condition, not to do that for her.

It might be a way to start thinking about preparing her for this?

Yes you are right about her learning how to manage her ADHD herself. She is smart, and I hope she will do this. She just unfortunately anything I say to her, even when it's just giving her advice about ordering her prescriptions on an app (I have MS so knowledgeable about these things) she gets so angry with me and accuses me of nagging. I guess I am in her mind, but I'm just trying to help. Other times she will come to me and ask for help with things. It has to be on her terms, I suppose. I just want to help her manage things, or perhaps guide her towards things that might make life easier for her, but she didn't see it like that. I'll step back and hope for the best.

She also refuses things like extra time on her exams because of the ADHD, and she won't inform the university that she has it, or accept any help besides the medication which she, again, struggles to manage
All the while she is struggling with managing her school work and everything else. I know that is her choice, as an adult, but as her mother it's just upsetting and infuriating as I know that her life is made more difficult by not making things easier for herself. Her choice, of course, and none of my business... but when you care about someone it is difficult to sit back and watch them suffer.

On a side note, it is me who gets the brunt of the fallout from this... anger, sometimes aggression, upset, and not to mention having to pay hundreds of pounds extra for prescriptions she misses, or because she forgot to send an email so that she could finally transfer over to the NHS. My friends tell me "don't pay for them - you are making things too easy for her" but if I don't pay for them, if i dont remind her about appointments, she doesn't get the medication that helps. From the outside it looks so simple- but as a mother it's difficult. She has just taken on a part time job so I think perhaps I will now say to her that it is up to her to manage her medication and the payments. I hope she does. I know me taking control won't help her in the long run. I just want her to be OK.

I totally understand, I was heartbroken when my dd left for uni. It was scary and weird and lonely. But the grief stage passed after a few weeks and we both moved on to a new stage. She has grown into a confident and organised young woman. Ultimately your dd has to break free in order to grow - and so do you. It will be good for both of you.

When she's 19 she won't get free perscriptions anymore but yes, you do need to stop trying to manage these things for her. For a start it's not having the effect you want it to have and it's annoying her.

OP, you don't have to justify why you are struggling. What you are going through is massive. Anyone would find it difficult and overwhelming. I know I would. It's an awful situation that doesn't have a simple quick fix. Hopefully things will get better over time.

Is there anyone that you can talk to in real life. Someone that you can talk things through with and someone that can support you. You need to look after yourself too.

Is there anyone else that can get through to your daughter? A friend or relative?

What happens when your daughter becomes angry or aggressive with you? I know it's extremely difficult but is there any way to stop her? I'm sure you've tried though!

Thank you. Yes - have lots of support. So does my daughter. She knows it's there if she wants it - as much as she says she doesn't. She has refused help from professionals and family for years. trips to A&E, camhs, private therapists - all refused but the things she was doing and saying were such a cause for concern and her depression would come and go. It's only know that she is starting to engage. Just mean outbursts I suppose when she is angry. Used to be much much worse when she was younger, but she has matured an awful lot. It's just words mostly nowadays! She is a good kid. But has things going on she needs to address. She knows I am here for her and we mostly get on great. That's why it's so upsetting when she says things like when she goes to uni, she won't be keeping in touch much and wants me completely out of her business. I tell her I have no interest in her business- only that she is safe and happy. Doesn't want to share with me her uni course and her plans. Doesn't want to come to a family Christmas this year. Devastating.

OP I understand your concern, but coming from a person who has ADHD, it is difficult for anyone without the condition to view things from the perspective of the person with the condition.

With regard to her exams/extra time etc... I've sat every exam in my life without extra time/adjustments for ADHD (and without meds!) - because when I took them I didn't know I had the condition. I had learned ways of studying and working that worked for me. Not everyone with ADHD wants to go around with the "label" or to be seen to be using it as an excuse for things. I now take my meds and that's that - hardly anyone else knows about it. I manage it MY way. And if it's any consolation, I'm a successful professional - it has not held me back.

When you have ADHD, everything feels like "noise". My brain goes a thousand miles an hour - it processes things in a certain way and I organise things a certain way. People adding additional "noise" and saying "remember this, do that" etc... creates stress and it doesn't help me to remember. I remember and organise things much better when I have quiet space and my brain can hear itself.

The meds - she will learn to manage this and she will organise it in a way that works for her. It might not be perfect immediately but she will get there. Not having them for a couple of days soon teaches you to be more organised because those days feel crap.

I know it's hard - but you do need to back off and give her space to organise her own life a bit. She will be processing a lot of new things; her brain needs to "breathe". People with ADHD adopt strategies that work for them - and each person is different. Ultimately, as an adult, she will find her way, and it is important for her to do so.

alfagirl's post is a good one.

It will break a bit of your heart, but there comes a stage when you will be put into a category of more of a 'consultant' to the life she wants to shape. It sounds a bit as if you are so keen to do what you are doing because of the effect on you, and less so her. You seem to want her to give you a less difficult life, but that means, (to her), one on your terms , perhaps that seems to have high walls of glass.

I think you will have to consider choosing when to pick up the pieces, and when or in what situations you will need to guide her, without acting, into getting herself out of the woods, without you being triggered for the slightest points to swoop in and fix.