DD 13 overdosed and thinks she’s trans

[QueenBing]

I am really struggling to deal with this. This might be a bit long but I don’t want to drip feed.
DD is 13, openly lesbian and has a girlfriend. Just under 2 years ago, her dad and I split up and divorced due to him cheating on me multiple times. He moved an hour away and he sees DD (13) and DS (11) on Sundays for 6 hours. This is his choice. ExDH has a very strained relationship with DD, they argue a lot and he’ll simply walk away from her and blank her for weeks at a time. A few months after we split, DD took 3 overdoses weeks apart (first was ibuprofen, second was paracetamol…I thought I’d hidden all the tablets in the house but I’d missed a pack, I still feel the guilt, third was a massive paracetamol overdose when she’d been out with her dad and he’d bought 2 packets of paracetamol and he’d left them in their picnic bag). She admitted she was struggling with the divorce and family breakup and also she felt that she was in the wrong body. The last overdose was July 2022. Since then, if she’s had period pain or headaches, I’ve given her 2 paracetamol which I’ve made her take in front of me. It turns out that for the last few months she’s been spitting them out and hiding them in her room, she’s collected 8 tablets. She confided in a teacher at school this week and the teacher rang me. We had a talk and she said she’s still struggling adjusting to our new family set up, she feels excluded in her dad’s new life and she wants to be a boy. She also told me she’d told her dad she was keeping the tablets but he didn’t tell me. I have had words with him about this saying it’s basic safeguarding to tell me in order to keep her safe (we’re both teachers, he should know better) but he deflected responsibility onto me saying it was my fault for not checking DD had swallowed the tablets properly and if I made more of an effort with her I’d have known she was hiding tablets. Since July 2022, all tablets have been in my handbag and my handbag goes all over the house with me.
The gender dysphoria has now ramped up and she wants to live as a boy; cutting her hair, changing pronouns and changing name. With everything going on, she’s vulnerable and she’s under the youth mental health team. They’ve recommended I refer to an organisation which specialises in LGBT+ issues which I’m happy to do. DD is highly intelligent and in an assessment she had, the psychologist said she shows traits of autism so she’s on a waiting list of 4.5 years to see someone for a diagnosis. A private consultation is £400 which I haven’t got but I am saving for it. DH has refused to pay towards it.
I don’t know how to handle any of this. We walk on eggshells around her because if we say the wrong thing, she blows her top and self harms. It’s actually quite manipulative. Her dad has borderline personality disorder and honestly, she shows many traits.
So do I go with her wanting to live as a boy and facilitate this or do I explore the autism diagnosis first?! I just don’t know and the whole situation is awful.

What a mess.
Do you think the separation triggered this?
I would accept your daughter however she wants to be as long as she continues to treat people with respect, goes to school, does her homework and sees a counsellor for depression.

I would not aid medical intervention. I would not make a big thing about her gender. That would be her choice when she can afford it and when she is over eighteen.
Whatever gender she is she has to complete school and think about her life's work, learning cooking and cleaning and money skills and how to treat people well and have nice manners.
Call the ambulance every time she self harms - give it over to the ambos and the hospitals. Expect her to click into school mode when she is home.
The father?? It is better that she only has positive interactions. Can they meet for a shorter time when he buys her dinner or takes her to a film and coffee and call it quits on sleep overs etc? It must be hard on her little brother.

In terms of suicide risk, do some safety planning at home. Its more difficult to overdose ibuprofen, so you could just stop buying paracetamol. Only ever have one small box of ibuprofen and keep them locked and out of the way.

Watch all other medicines too and blades.

In terms of gender, I'd encourage her to feel comfortable and confident in her body. Presenting however she wants does not need to be a big deal. If she knows you support her no matter what, it will boost her self esteem.

I think she had these feelings before the separation, she said she’s always felt “different”. As I’m a teacher, I know if she suddenly starts presenting as a boy she’s going to have a tough time at school. Not all kids are accepting of changes like this. I also know she wouldn’t handle the bullying/unkind comments which would come her way and as she self harms, I worry this would make it worse.
She’s getting on well with her dad at the moment and she’s having a sleepover tonight for the first time in months. Her brother doesn’t know about the self harm or the overdoses, I told him she was in hospital with stomach pains.

I already keep the painkillers on my person at all times, there are no razors in the bathroom but the blade she used to cut herself was from her pencil sharpener. So she now has no pencil sharpener.
With the gender, I’ll support her with whatever but I have told her there’s not a chance of medical intervention until she’s at least 18. The sad fact is that society isn’t as accepting of trans people as it should be and I don’t think she’s strong enough to handle the negativity which will come her way.

I'd be monitoring her Internet use like a hawk.

Do not send her to any LGBTBLAHBLAHBLAH counselling. They will just affirm, affirm, affirm.

Your daughter is statistically high for believing she is trans because

She's a teenage female
She's a lesbian
She's autistic
She's going through family trauma
She has mental health issues

So girls in this situation just cling onto this idea tha being a boy will fix all their problems and it becomes a fixation and they grow out of it.

My daughter was in the same situation, but was not suicidal. I just constantly explained she could be strong, masculine, lesbian female who dresses how they like and still be an amazing woman.

She's grown out of it now and is quite gender critical.

I would be much more careful with your daughter though in the circumstances.

Have you told her that she might well be autistic? This might give her a better understanding of why she feels different - I expect she is ascribing it all to being trans, but it's probably because she is autistic and gay.

I would allow her to wear her hair as she sees fit, whatever clothes she wishes. She can use a nickname. I wouldn't change pronouns I use with her except for I might compromise on gender neutral pronouns "while we explore everything that is going on".

In most areas, self harm and suicide attempts would enable a young person to jump the queue for autism assessment. Can you ring the pathway and explain there have been 3 overdoses and hoarding of meds? They may not be aware if no one has told them.

Soluble paracetamol might solve the saving tablets, mix it for her and there's not much she can do to keep it.
I'm sorry but I wouldn't know how to address this. My gut would be to let her present how she wants without serious medical intervention until she is an adult. Ambulance every time she self harms, counselling and tbh I think you need to stop walking on eggshells - she has to learn how to deal with these things.

Hopefully far more wise people will be along soon.

This must be so difficult for you all.

How does she do with friends?

This is really good advice.

I have no advice, just sending hugs.

But also flagging this as a genius idea. It just neutralises the whole issue of swallowing.

Nurofen (and the soluble paracetamol) wise - can you keep the packets in a (locked) drawer at work, or one of those little locked cash boxes, and keep say 2/a "safe" number in your handbag. That will mean you can relax about your handbag and again, neutralises the issue a bit.

And I when I say neutralises - I know it won't make the whole worry disappear, but by removing the immediate risk factor and availability must be better for your mental health, if not hers.

Aw @Payrisen thanks! Genius is a stretch but that did make me smile, at! 😂 just thought it might help.

I agree with @SaturdayShop

This is excellent advice OP. I would screenshot this and come back to it when you need to.

Sorry you're going through this, sending love and strength.

Does your ex treat his son differently and have a better relationship with him

she probably always has felt different and the becoming a boy is an easy fix to try and say that is why she feels different rather than what is probably caused by the autism.

I think there is no harm in letting her present as long as it is clear there is no medical intervention.

I would also try abd persuade against girlfriends etc as they aren’t old enough

What @SaturdayShop says.

I have an autistic teen girl who went through a phase of real gender non conformity. It seems to have mostly passed now she is totally through puberty.
She is sporty and doesn't like the feel of many girls clothes / make up etc but she knows that she is a girl and there is no wrong way for a girl to be.

I know what you say about being a teacher and being concerned about bullying if she doesn't conform with stereotypes but I think that this could lead to her becoming more entrenched and fixated on saying she feels like a boy. There is nothing wrong with girls who do not conform with female stereotypes, school should support her in this and my daughters response ended up being 'no they are not boys clothes they are my clothes'.

I think it is awful that autistic girls (particularly lesbian autistic girls) are so vulnerable to this and are not receiving the right support (which should most definitely NOT be affirmation).

As for the mental health issues I'd second what someone else has said upthread about flagging all of the self harming as this might lead to a swifter diagnosis.

Good luck.

Excellent podcast
open.spotify.com/show/1vAnk7bth6WuDDrW48Atce?si=8IfPmuNiSnC7JdAAC3bs5g

Thank you everyone for your advice and understanding. To answer a few points:
The self harming has been flagged since it started with the mental health team and the school counsellor. It hasn’t bumped her up the list any further because they’re so busy. They’re aware of everything that’s gone on.
ExDH does treat DS differently. They’re both gamers so quite often they’ll just sit at a computer or console together whereas DD likes visiting museums or going on walks.
I have soluble paracetamol moving forwards. We can’t do ibuprofen due to her asthma. So from now on she’ll have to drink the water in front of me.
Her girlfriend is actually a really positive influence in her life and at 13 (going on 14) she’s at the age where they’re starting to show “interest” like that. It’s all very innocent and they’re very close friends.
I have tried on numerous occasions to tell her that being a girl or a boy isn’t the be all and end all. Girls can do anything boys can and vice versa, clothes have no gender so she can wear what she wants, to forget about any medical intervention until she’s 18 and just concentrate on being herself without the need for a label but she’s fixated on being a boy. She shows so many autistic traits, I think I’m going to have to suck up the cost and go for a private diagnosis and take it from there.

Does he do walks or museums with her at all

Occasionally, maybe once every couple of months. He said he couldn’t afford to do an activity with them every week and he rents a room in a shared flat. He said he would do one week doing an activity and the next week chilling at the flat. However, DD doesn’t like the flat because the flatmate smokes and he works nights so when they visit they have to stay in ExDH’s single bedroom, all 3 of them sitting on the bed, playing computer games. Not her sort of thing at all. He’s made more of an effort this last fortnight, he’s taken them out to two nice, pretty historic towns.

Respectfully, it's not the school counsellor or the mental health team that need to know about the overdoses. It's the autism assessment team. I have close working links with one and we wouldn't know this unless someone actively flagged it with the team.

We are busy too, (2+ year wait) but we do treat self harm and suicidal youngsters as urgents.

We haven’t even been put in touch with the autism assessment team, they’re making her do a group therapy course on coping skills first which runs from December until January and then they’ll assess her needs. I appreciate how stretched and underfunded they are and there are probably many others in our position.
DD has suggested tonight that I get in touch with Mermaids but I’ve contacted them before and didn’t find them useful.

Her behaviour at the moment is almost bordering on manipulative. She’s basically saying if I don’t let her live as a boy and change her name and pronouns, she’ll “get into a state” again. Her dad is pandering to it and has said he’ll take her for a boys’ haircut at the weekend. He hasn’t discussed it with me.

I’ve said to DD that we need to explore the possible autism and she needs counselling before she lives like a boy because, despite what she thinks, her mental state is not going to improve overnight by having short hair and a boy’s name. I’ve made it plain that I’m not never going to support her being trans but I want professionals involved so we can be sure it’s the right thing.

Theres no such thing as a 'boys' hair cut

As others have said, wear what you like, look how you like (within school rules), have a nickname but dont manipulate other people by saying they 'cause' you to be suicidal or self harm.

This is a huge issue for autistic girls who have had difficult family experiences, particularly if they are also gay

I wouldnt be putting her in touch with mermaids

To DD, there’s very much such a thing as a boy’s haircut and this is how she refers to a short style. She wears a mix of men’s and women’s clothes, usually baggy jeans and hoodies.

The manipulation is totally unacceptable and I don’t think I’ve asked for anything unreasonable by asking her to get help from professionals before changing anything. It’s not the magic solution she thinks it will be.

From my own experience with Mermaids, I wasn’t impressed. However, she’s found them online and she’s looking at their resources. I’ve been put in touch with another organisation, Humankind, and I’ve done the online referral. Hopefully I’ll hear back soon.

I'm sure someone will come alone with proper advice.

But switch to water soluble paracetamol. She won't be able to spit it out and save it.