DD 13 overdosed and thinks she’s trans

[QueenBing]

I am really struggling to deal with this. This might be a bit long but I don’t want to drip feed.
DD is 13, openly lesbian and has a girlfriend. Just under 2 years ago, her dad and I split up and divorced due to him cheating on me multiple times. He moved an hour away and he sees DD (13) and DS (11) on Sundays for 6 hours. This is his choice. ExDH has a very strained relationship with DD, they argue a lot and he’ll simply walk away from her and blank her for weeks at a time. A few months after we split, DD took 3 overdoses weeks apart (first was ibuprofen, second was paracetamol…I thought I’d hidden all the tablets in the house but I’d missed a pack, I still feel the guilt, third was a massive paracetamol overdose when she’d been out with her dad and he’d bought 2 packets of paracetamol and he’d left them in their picnic bag). She admitted she was struggling with the divorce and family breakup and also she felt that she was in the wrong body. The last overdose was July 2022. Since then, if she’s had period pain or headaches, I’ve given her 2 paracetamol which I’ve made her take in front of me. It turns out that for the last few months she’s been spitting them out and hiding them in her room, she’s collected 8 tablets. She confided in a teacher at school this week and the teacher rang me. We had a talk and she said she’s still struggling adjusting to our new family set up, she feels excluded in her dad’s new life and she wants to be a boy. She also told me she’d told her dad she was keeping the tablets but he didn’t tell me. I have had words with him about this saying it’s basic safeguarding to tell me in order to keep her safe (we’re both teachers, he should know better) but he deflected responsibility onto me saying it was my fault for not checking DD had swallowed the tablets properly and if I made more of an effort with her I’d have known she was hiding tablets. Since July 2022, all tablets have been in my handbag and my handbag goes all over the house with me.
The gender dysphoria has now ramped up and she wants to live as a boy; cutting her hair, changing pronouns and changing name. With everything going on, she’s vulnerable and she’s under the youth mental health team. They’ve recommended I refer to an organisation which specialises in LGBT+ issues which I’m happy to do. DD is highly intelligent and in an assessment she had, the psychologist said she shows traits of autism so she’s on a waiting list of 4.5 years to see someone for a diagnosis. A private consultation is £400 which I haven’t got but I am saving for it. DH has refused to pay towards it.
I don’t know how to handle any of this. We walk on eggshells around her because if we say the wrong thing, she blows her top and self harms. It’s actually quite manipulative. Her dad has borderline personality disorder and honestly, she shows many traits.
So do I go with her wanting to live as a boy and facilitate this or do I explore the autism diagnosis first?! I just don’t know and the whole situation is awful.

Already done!

What is her online access and usage like? What devices does she have, who is she talking to and at what times?
What internet security do you and her father have in place?

So sorry OP and sending love. Be VERY wary of LGBTQ+ therapists. They affirm (massively increasing the suicide risk which rises dramatically post transition) and ignore the fundamentals (depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, family breakup, knob of a dad). Transitioning is not a magic bullet, the drugs cause significant physical and mental harm and there are currently 50k+ detransitioners on the Reddit detransition group who deeply regret what they have done. They will probably be able to sue the counsellors and medics successfully but who wants that?

Try to focus on doing just the things you would do anyway with a distressed child. Can the three of you do stuff together? Physical activities are great but even something as simple as a cinema or theatre trip does help. Well done on keeping it together. Just do one day at a time and try to do something nice together every day (board games, bake a cake, snuggle and watch tv). Keep reassuring her she is loved - and that it is absolutely fine to be gay.

It’s nothing out of the ordinary. I check her phone, I can see her internet browsing history, she talks to her friends on WhatsApp and they’re a lovely bunch (girls incidentally, don’t know if that’s relevant), the phone goes off at a reasonable hour…nothing to see on her phone. I have a broadband shield which blocks certain websites. I’m not naive enough to think that she’s not deleting things when I’m not around but from what I can see and what I can monitor there’s nothing concerning.

You might also want to consider the possibility that she feels that she wants to be a boy because her father favours her brother (or at least she perceives it that way). There may well be an element that she feels that her dad would like and live her more if she were a boy.

for painkillers you can also just use liquid paracetamol - there are doses for her age and even adults listed on the pack. Saves you dissolving anything.

She's trans. Accept her for being trans.

Don't post on a transphobic forum looking for help when your daughter already feels rejected and sad.

This is exactly what I said last night. It’s not an overnight fix for how she’s feeling and she needs to become mentally stronger and more resilient before she embarks on this process. There are other issues which need dealing with first. She needs to grieve the loss of the family we had, she needs to work on her resilience, she needs to regulate her emotions and she needs to work on her confidence and self esteem.

The three of us don’t get a lot of time together, we’re all at school Monday - Friday and doing homework or schoolwork in the evenings, myself included as I work full time as a secondary school teacher. Saturdays and school holidays are our times together but this year our school holidays don’t marry up until Easter. We’re going out tomorrow night which should be lovely. She is constantly reassured that she is loved and accepted which is why it hurts so much that she’s abused my trust by stealing the tablets and telling her dad, who also didn’t tell me. Her dad will pander to her because it’s easier for him to have a relationship with her. There’s no parenting, he just tries to be a friend, so all of the difficult issues are left to me to sort out and deal with.

I agree with @SaturdayShop. Poor you. Feeling different is not unusual. Plus the ASD aswell makes that worse. But she can't actually change sex, so acceptance is the key here.

I’ve said to DD that we need to explore the possible autism and she needs counselling before she lives like a boy because, despite what she thinks, her mental state is not going to improve overnight by having short hair and a boy’s name. I’ve made it plain that I’m not never going to support her being trans but I want professionals involved so we can be sure it’s the right thing.

Be wary of who counsels her because even CAMHS tends to affirm.

I would let her wear her hair as she wishes and wear what she wants.
The alternative is you may push her further into this because most teenagers have a rebellious streak. My daughter wore boys clothes for years but recently has started wearing some girls jeans etc, we just didn't make a fuss, they are just clothes, she is also autistic. Have you seen Bayswater support https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/faq/ so it might be worth seeking specific advice from them.

They have supported families going through similar.

You may be able to go through the right to choose for an autism assessment - you can request it via the GP. It may be a shorter wait and it’s funded by NHS.

this link has info re right to choose for adult adhd but principle is the same

https://adhduk.co.uk/right-to-choose/

I have thought this actually.

Most teenage girls grow out of it. Mine did.

It's not transphobic to suggest a cautious approach, autistic girls are particularly vulnerable to the social contagion element.

She wears what she wants anyway and she’s having her hair cut this weekend. But I cannot support a whole name and pronoun change knowing the hate/ridicule/bullying she’ll experience and her not being mentally strong enough to cope.

Sorry I misunderstood your post, I thought it was the hairstyle you were concerned about.

Can you speak to school about your concerns. I would be worried they will do this anyway.

This is what I’m trying to say. If she truly is trans, I don’t care. I’ll accept her however she wants to live. But at 13 with the unresolved mental health issues she has, I don’t know how anyone can be so certain and if this is the wrong decision for her, the consequences could be damaging. All I want is to be certain that this is the best path to go down for her and she needs to deal with the other mental health issues she has.

This^
it was my first thought as well.

Is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy available to her at all? This is used for suicidal people but is also more helpful for autistic ppl/ppl w autism (and was developed for BPD).

Sending you a hug, do you have anyone to talk about all this incredibly stressful stuff with?

I think things are really different now. My teens know a lot of children who identify as trans/non binary and they don't even question it. I doubt she will experience any "hate" for identifying as a boy. My DD got more hassle for not identifying as NB or trans despite being GNC in some ways (its absolutely ridiculous - she dresses slightly alternative, is bi and likes maths - according to teens she must be a "they/them")

I don't see the harm in letting her identify how she likes in the interim. As long as its easy enough for her to drop it when she needs - paradoxically if it's a huge deal to be "accepted" she might find it harder to revert to female pronouns etc later.

Really feel for you. I know lots of girls who have been through really similar at this age, it is scary and also so difficult for them.

I can't imagine how I would react in your situation OP, but until and unless I get there I believe I would take a watchful waiting approach with regards to the identity issues.

Also, as well as Bayswater mentioned up thread, there is Our Duty as a support group for parents

https://ourduty.group/

May I suggest an option. My mum suggested this to me and I don't appreciate things have changed, but the principal remains the same. She calls it playing the game, playing the system.

Who diagnoses ASD now in your area? Is it camhs. Go to GP and politely 'insist' that referrals are made, follow ups are sent this week. Chase the nhs side of things. In all areas.

In our day the starting point was at local hospital, nhs, 3 x paediatrician who dealt with ASD, one specialised in ADHD. And also camhs. Referrals were done to both. So you had 2 avenues ti chase. (Appreciate it might not be like that now).

So I chased cahms and paed. In the end my mum said find out which paed it is you are waiting for on the nhs and go and see him privately. I paid £250. I took his advice and followed things up. I told him what a stare I was in. Begged him to prioritise the nhs appointment that I was also waiting for. He did. Then the nhs appointment arrived so I eventually stopped the private route and went nhs only.

Worth considering?

Her dad has BPD and I can see traits of it in her. I think DBT would help but it’s not something I’ve looked into, I’ve been more concerned with getting a diagnosis.

Luckily I have amazing friends and a supportive partner. He stays over 2 nights a week and he gets on really well with DD as they both play the guitar so she’s got someone to share her interest with (I’m awful on the guitar, piano is my thing!) and they laugh and joke together.

My parents aren’t as supportive, they’re refusing to acknowledge the trans possibility and blame it all on me having a partner and the breakup of the marriage. DD spends a lot of time with her grandparents, they do the school runs for me both drop off and pick up (there’s a bus strike at the minute) and they give the kids breakfast and dinner so that I can get to work.

How exactly does your affirmation with no questions approach help a young person who is struggling with family break up, a difficult relationship with her father, potentially undiagnosed autism and suicide attempts?

Just saying ‘yes. You’re a boy.’ solves nothing and potentially introduces a whole new set of issues and problems in with everything else.

But I’m sure it makes you feel better because it bolsters your ideological beliefs.

I’ve been a teacher for 21 years now and I’ve seen how awful kids can be. You’re right that kids are generally more accepting now but not all. There are still pockets of bullies. There’s one group in particular who give her a hard time for being openly gay and it upsets her, one boy in particular received a 3 day exclusion for the vile things he said to her. The teachers can only control so much and it’s difficult at her school at the moment, the building is condemned due to RAAC so they’re in temporary classrooms in marquee style structures for the foreseeable. Again, this is another stress for her. She doesn’t like change and the upheaval she’s experienced at home and now experiencing at school must be taking its toll.

Poor girl and poor you. It sounds like you are all going through a lot. Please don't beat yourself up about the divorce, whatever your parents say.
Teens now are having an awful time, I say that with one at home today due to hating school/bullying/poss ASD. It's so hard to get help. Covid also made things a lot worse ime. Your parents are not seeing the whole picture.

Is it possible something else more serious has happened at school to trigger this? What support are the school giving her?