DD being told by boys she's sexy

[GandTnow]

Hi, just looking for some advice/ experiences. My DD is 12 and has had an older boy at school (who she doesn't know) saying she's sexy. She told me about it and didn't like it, it made her feel uncomfortable. What advice should I give her? I'm torn between telling her to report this to her teachers, but she has no names, or trying to explain that this might be a poorly judged way of a boy trying to get to know her, all be it in the wrong way. Any advice welcome. Thanks

I’d go to the school about it, especially considering there’s an age gap and it’s made her uncomfortable. He’s not trying to get to know her - he’s just being plain cheeky and inappropriate

Don't tell her he's trying to know her. It might give her the wrong message.
Tell her what he did was very inappropriate and not to try to understand boys like that, and not to entertain boys like that.

Sorry but that's secondary school for you!
Does she have coping strategies? Good friends? Boys can be hyper sexualised and when I was at school we just told them to screw themselves.

How much older? I do think it's part of navigating relationships in secondary school but he shouldn't be making her feel uncomfortable. But then it also depends is he doing it persistently when she's made it clear she's uncomfortable and doesn't reciprocate, or has he said it once and that made her uncomfortable in itself? I'd try to talk to her about how to manage situations like that directly because it may well come up again but if he's persistent and hassling her then yes absolutely speak to the school.

@Circumferences It’s not just secondary school for you though, nor should it be. Allowing boys to act in such a way is letting them know that hyper-sexualising girls is ok and doesn’t exactly set a good precedent for their future. In DD’s school I am glad to say it would not be tolerated full stop - the boys know better and have actual respect for the girls around them unlike the vast majority these days it would seem! The product of rubbish parenting and lack of discipline

OP "or trying to explain that this might be a poorly judged way of a boy trying to get to know her, all be it in the wrong way"

please don't tell her this. It's unacceptable behaviour. Stop excusing boys in this way.

I think the best thing you can do is to give her some coping tools. Tell her boys (and girls, too) can say things that can make us feel uncomfortable. So - main thing she needs to know that her feelings are OK.

And then she needs to know how to deal with it. Walking away is an option. Confronting them is another. At 12 - she probably doesn't yet have confidence to confront or bounce comments off. But you could still give her an an example of what she might have said.

Thing is - some girls in her place might have liked hearing it. It's not great, but this is where we are as a society.
And this is why the boy said it. He had no idea how your DD would react.
If the boy was just a little older - I am guessing he was just clueless and thought it was a compliment that she was going to like.
If a boy was a lot older - it was something worse.

"Bod will be boys"
Oh fuck off, this is the time they need to learn not to behave like that.

You've raised a good girl there, some girls would have been taken in by an older boy lavishing them with silly compliments, it sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders. I'm glad she told you . Might be good to have a word with the school. Boys shouldn't get away with making girls feel uncomfortable.

@Sashya

Thing is - some girls in her place might have liked hearing it. It's not great, but this is where we are as a society.
And this is why the boy said it. He had no idea how your DD would react.

Oh FFS. No, boys don't say these things because they're stupid enough to think it's a compliment. They say it to exert power over girls and make them uncomfortable, just as they might by pulling girls' hair when they were just a little younger. They need to be pulled up on it because teenage arseholes will turn into adult arseholes -God knows there's plenty of them around.

12 is quite quite young to be hearing those sorts of comments and it's not very appropriate at any age, I've had a few conversations with my son about respecting girls boundaries, my son asked me a few weeks ago is it OK to tell a girl she's hot my answer was no that's probably not a good thing to say but did say if you know the girl well you can say she's pretty or her hair looks nice today give a general compliment but I think your sexy, fit, hot etc is really not acceptable

I think the onus is on boys and parents to educate their sons on this beacuse recent statistics say girls do not like this and they feel uncomfortable with boys and men making inappropriate comments

It's disgusting and inappropriate and he needs to be taught this just as much as your daughter needs backing up.

Boys will be boys. But they fucking shouldn't be and it's time it's stamped out. This will only happen if we react every time and don't sit back and accept their shitty behaviour.

Girls and women should be able to go about their lives without being sexualised and made to feel uncomfortable.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm so proud of her for telling me. We talked about how some boys can try snd make everything about sex but that this was not an appropriate way to behave. Some of you mention coping strategies- other than walking away what would you suggest? My concern is that if some boys (a year older) see that she gives a reaction they might do it all the more.

My 13 year old had similar yesterday walking home from school. I’m glad she is in a girls school. A few boys walked past one asking his friend if he’d “..do that” and the friend affirmed he would, equally crudely. It’s disgusting and my daughter knows it but she laughs it off and makes fun of them. She’s often looked at by men, even with me & my husband. It’s sickening and started a few years ago. She looks a bit older but is autistic so not emotionally mature and so more vulnerable. We’ve talked about these incidents and laid it out that a lot of men and teen boys can be disgusting to women/girls and not to trust them. She knows some are good, like her dad and we’ll keep talking about it.

I think you have to tell her how it works in adult life and to respect her own boundaries.

I guess a simple way I would explain it is someone can have one polite attempt at seeing if you are interested in talking to them but then if you decline they should leave you alone.

The issue is his way is not polite, it is a harassing comment - if someone at work made that comment to a female colleague it would be sexual harassment. Tell her this is harassment.

I would tell her to tell a teacher if she feels uncomfortable. But she should not feel this is just an accepted part of being a girl/woman - even if it will inevitably happen to her it doesn't make it OK.

How would the enraged posters on here suggest my 15 year old son deals with the group of girls who constantly tell him he is fit and hot, and who comment on his physique constantly (he is a very accomplished swimmer)

He also gets comments from them at the pool about what is in his trunks - pretty much every time he is there and most days at school.

Erm, exactly the same? Weird that you've made this about your son with a little hint of whataboutism.

I would suggest exactly the same. Sexually inappropriate comments are sexually inappropriate comments. And he’s underage, FFS - why aren’t teachers / the girls’ parents calling this behaviour out??

I swear some people on here dont even know what children are

Kids entering into or within puberty are starting experience sexual feelings and will talk about that, its normal human development.

She is now at secondary school and so will hear things like that occasionally. If it became harrassment or bullying or assault thats a different thing but unfortunately male and female children will be immature and crude about sex, its a big joke and excitement for them without them fully understanding what its about

Also, just as a general observation, sometimes people will experience discomfort, you cant prevent every situation that makes someone feel uncomfortable, others have pointed out that the key is to help her develop coping skills and resilience

Back to the OP, the worst thing you can do is pretend to your daughter that this is merely clumsy flirting or whatever. It’s completely inappropriate and your daughter does not have to put up with it.

I would agree with you, but not when the kids are 12 and not in a school setting. Also not if it’s persistent behaviour (as with the 15 y/o swimmer example above) because that’s harassment.

No one is saying teenagers shouldn’t talk about sex, or ever say something that may make someone else uncomfortable, it’s all about context.

How do we expect teens to learn to behave appropriately if we just say they can say what they want while at school?

We have always had some young people socialised to be polite and some socialised to be rude. We need to teach more of them to be polite more of the time.

We also need to teach those on the receiving end that it is not OK. Yes, we all accept we can't stop people whistling at us in the street, but we can correctly identify the people who do it as badly brought-up twats.

I swear some people on here dont even know what children are

Kids entering into or within puberty are starting experience sexual feelings and will talk about that, its normal human development.

She is now at secondary school and so will hear things like that occasionally. If it became harrassment or bullying or assault thats a different thing but unfortunately male and female children will be immature and crude about sex, its a big joke and excitement for them without them fully understanding what its about

Also, just as a general observation, sometimes people will experience discomfort, you cant prevent every situation that makes someone feel uncomfortable, others have pointed out that the key is to help her develop coping skills

ffs. No.

Yes, some kids don’t know how to act appropriately or choose to knowingly act inappropriately, that doesn’t mean that for an older boy to go up to a younger girl they don’t know, and tell her she’s sexy is acceptable, or that it should be passed off as normal. We need to make it not acceptable or normal.

We can try to prevent people feeling uncomfortable by normalising acting appropriately and pulling kids up on anything which isn’t acceptable.

The phrase “Leave me alone or I’ll report you for harassment” (said loudly) might be useful. Or just “Leave me alone, I’m not interested” if that’s too direct for her.

A 12 year old in my school in the 1980’s gave birth. Educate your daughter to navigate the world she is going to live in. Some men and boys are lecherous pigs. If he approaches her again tell her to say to him firmly she does not like him saying things like this to her and to stop it.