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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd hates disabled sister

47 replies

MondayDisasterNameChange · 06/11/2023 08:46

Dd14 screamed this morning that she hates her older disabled sister. Sister doesn't live with us, comes for odd weekends or weeks throughout the year.
Sister has a variety of disabilities which make her quite difficult sometimes.

Am I wrong to be so hurt by 14yo outburst? It was so nasty. Older sister loves her little sister so much. Has no idea that younger could hate her.

Sorry, waffling. Just so sad.

OP posts:
Sameasyounow · 06/11/2023 08:51

As a teen I DETESTED my younger disabled sister.

I have ASD and ADHD, she has physical issues And our mother was narcissistic and sister was the golden child. My conditions and the effect on me were made fun of and my sister was nurtured and protected. It made me bitter and stressed. I won’t lie I hated her.
Many occasions I’m sorry and ashamed to admit if she was unwell in the night or if our mother was out (seizures) I ignored her and left the room. It was just horrendous. I was also emotionally and physically abused and that made me more jealous of seeing her treated well.

I don’t know what the answer is OP but I hope you can get some good advice Flowers

Original poster
MondayDisasterNameChange · 06/11/2023 08:54

Crikey, that all sound awful @Sameasyounow

I'm fairly sure I'm not like your mum.

Take care.

OP posts:
Marmighty · 06/11/2023 08:54

What does she hate about her sister and the impact on her/your lives? I have disabled brothers and as a teen was often frustrated about our family life for lots of different reasons at different times. I may have thought I hated them, but I didn’t, I loved them but I hated that we couldn’t do things as a family, the response of society to them, that we relied on other people to help them and our family, that our family was different to those of my friends. What helped was meeting other siblings in a similar situation to me where I could share or have acknowledged the difficulties in a non judgmental way. I recommend the organization Sibs who have resources for siblings and also run support groups.

Echobelly · 06/11/2023 08:54

Teenagers can sometimes come out with hurtful things they don't really mean or are a momentary feeling that isn't lasting. Do you think this reflects a deeper resentment? Or could it just be a bad moment?

mrboombasticwhy · 06/11/2023 08:55

F

Sameasyounow · 06/11/2023 08:55

MondayDisasterNameChange · 06/11/2023 08:54

Crikey, that all sound awful @Sameasyounow

I'm fairly sure I'm not like your mum.

Take care.

Sorry I didn’t mean it to come across that I thought that at all - you sound lovely . I was just saying what happened to me (sorry my autism makes things so awkward I often say the wrong thing)

justalittlesnoel · 06/11/2023 08:57

It's sad and you're not wrong to be hurt - by why this sudden outburst? What's lead to this?

When you say the sister has disabilities that make her quite difficult sometimes, what do you mean? Difficult as in she needs help with day to day tasks and doesn't understand things, or difficult as in physically violent to her younger sister?

Teenagers say all sorts of things, but it can't just have spouted from absolutely nowhere surely?

Jellycats4life · 06/11/2023 08:58

Look up glass child. I’m sure your younger DD has suffered a lot as a result of having a disabled sibling (I’m sure there’s a long backstory to do with why she is now in residential care) and carries a lot of resentment.

It’s nobody’s fault, really, but your DD is entitled to feel what she feels and like her voice isn’t heard. I mean I think your response - to side with older DD - speaks volumes.

https://inews.co.uk/news/technology/glass-child-what-meaning-term-explained-tiktok-2225754

Meaning of the term 'glass child' explained and why it's gained traction on TikTok

Many people who say they are 'glass children' have been using the social media platform to share their experiences, family dynamics, and life stories

https://inews.co.uk/news/technology/glass-child-what-meaning-term-explained-tiktok-2225754

DibbleDooDah · 06/11/2023 09:00

Having a disabled family member can be exhausting. I have one and I always feel like I need a holiday after seeing them. I love them to pieces and, of course, spending time with them, but it is so full on - mentally, physically and emotionally.

Teenagers often say what we are thinking but don’t dare say. Love doesn’t come into it. I would imagine she just feels overwhelmed by it at times and it’s all come out at once. Deep down I’m sure she loves her sister to bits, but it is ok for her to admit that she finds it hard (even if it did come out in an emotional teenage outburst).

itsmyp4rty · 06/11/2023 09:01

I think you need to stop looking at it as being nasty - that will not help and will just lead to you wanting to punish her in one way or another. Instead you need to demonstrate the empathy that she is lacking/struggling with. You need to gently talk to her about exactly what she is finding so difficult and see if between you you can try to make things easier. Remind her that her sister loves her and so is not doing these things on purpose or to hurt her and that you understand sometimes it can be difficult.

I think it's probably just her frustration coming out - or could someone be bullying her over having a disabled sister?

MissyB1 · 06/11/2023 09:04

She doesn’t mean she actually hates her sibling. Teenagers have all sorts of big emotions- a bit like toddlers! They get overwhelmed and everything can feel very extreme to them.
Sit down and have a non judgmental empathetic chat with her about it.

SandyWaves · 06/11/2023 09:05

Why is your disabled DD not living with you?

If you could not care for her for whatever reason, I imagine it must have been very stressful.

Now imagine your young DD having to deal with all these emotions. Have some empathy and support her,.

Mariposista · 06/11/2023 09:06

Your poor daughter. She is seeing all her friends having a 'normal' childhood and adolescence and hers is married by this complication - of course she is feeling bitter. Parents of very disabled children come out with how they are a 'joy' and a 'blessing' and that is probably the case, but to the siblings, too young and emotionally immature to understand, all they see is how their lives are different and how they wish they just had a normal family life. She will see how her sister's problems stress you out, make you tired and worried. Stop focusing on how hurt you are by her comments (probably made impulsively out of frustration) and support her.

yellowlane · 06/11/2023 09:14

It sounds like a really difficult situation. Your dd's outburst is probably her way of expressing lots of different emotions. Has she acceded young carers?

OhWifey · 06/11/2023 09:15

Have you seen 'There she goes' on iPlayer? I'd highly recommend it if not. There is a scene in the last series (I think) where the sibling has a big outburst like you're describing. It's all very well done (and very therapeutic to watch)

WaltzingWaters · 06/11/2023 09:16

As a pp said, I expect she loves her sister but is angry that it’s such a different family life/sibling relationship than all her friends have.
I expect meeting other friends who are in a similar situation would be helpful.
I work with people with severe disabilities so understand how extremely exhausting it is physically, mentally and emotionally. It must be so difficult on you all.

hologramvirus · 06/11/2023 09:18

Sameasyounow · 06/11/2023 08:55

Sorry I didn’t mean it to come across that I thought that at all - you sound lovely . I was just saying what happened to me (sorry my autism makes things so awkward I often say the wrong thing)

Show quote history

You weren't awkward, you expressed yourself very well. Its not uncommon for siblings to resent a disabled sibling. Its a frequent theme from participants in the book ' Siblings without rivalry' . I also have a friend whose disabled brother got all of their mother's devotion and love and attention, and that was extremely painful for her.

IncompleteSenten · 06/11/2023 09:21

Let her talk about her feelings without you getting angry or defensive. Listen to what she's feeling and why she feels it. Really understand what she's trying to tell you. Even though she's reduced it to "I hate her" I guarantee it's a lot more complex than that.

Find out what is upsetting her and go from there.

IncompleteSenten · 06/11/2023 09:23

Meant to say that my sons are both disabled and each has trouble dealing with the other's behaviours and needs.

It isn't easy to juggle it all but you can help. You start by understanding what the problem actually is.

barbarahunter · 06/11/2023 09:26

This thread has been eye opening for me. I really really wish that the organisation sibs had been around when I was a child.

Evenstar · 06/11/2023 09:30

I had a friend at university with a disabled sibling, he was very distressed at times by the effect that had on his childhood, he said his mum never had time to do things with him, his sibling always took priority. As your disabled DD isn’t with you all the time it must be hard for your DD when things are different when she is and I wonder if she has fully bonded with her due to not living with her. I agree with a PP that you need to try and talk calmly with her when her sister isn’t there, it’s more complex than “I hate her”

You mustn’t feel bad or that you are to blame, you are doing your best in what sounds like a very difficult situation 💐

sashh · 06/11/2023 09:47

14 year olds hate everyone and everything at some time. Try not to be upset, as someone else said teenagers can be like toddlers with their emotions.

spookehtooth · 06/11/2023 09:57

@Sameasyounow like another person said, I think your post is relevant although I hope it's an unusual example. All kinds of different treatment of children, or even just the perception of it, can affect how they feel about parents and each other.

I think it's relevant to consider even when the different treatment is justified, because children don't necessarily understand or appreciate. Ability to manage emotional responses is still developing, and less life experience. The
parents might not understand the child, either. An undiagnosed condition for example

DyslexicPoster · 06/11/2023 09:59

I have a disabled son and his siblings all have different SEN. I think they have all gone though stages of hating each other. I don't know what the answer is. Teenagers are incredibly self centred as their brains develop so I think hopefully they grow out of it at some point.

Your younger child probably hates the fact that she doesn't get yhe standard sibling experience and hates that, not her sister. I'd ignore the posters saying it's because you favour over the other. I didn't ask for or want disabled and sen kids but that's the hand I was dealt, it's not like you can choose or fix it. The whole thing is utterly shit. I'd sit dd down when your eldest isn't there and ask what it is she hates. Is it not easily going out as family? The noise? The attention you give to your eldest?

There are some things you can't fix. If dd wants your time when the elder girl isn't home, what's the answer? I'm not convinced there is one.

I'm really sorry, I hope it will pass. Its like a exam that you can only fail at spectacularly at sometimes. Just do your best, as I convinced you already do.