Dd hates disabled sister

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Dd14 screamed this morning that she hates her older disabled sister. Sister doesn't live with us, comes for odd weekends or weeks throughout the year.
Sister has a variety of disabilities which make her quite difficult sometimes.

Am I wrong to be so hurt by 14yo outburst? It was so nasty. Older sister loves her little sister so much. Has no idea that younger could hate her.

Sorry, waffling. Just so sad.

This is the most pertinent point. She’s 14 and sometimes she hates her sister. It’s ok. It’s very very normal, though obviously she shouldn’t be shouting about it. Later on she will feel it less ferociously on and off through their lives. There is a narrative that her life is clipped or diminished by her sibling that will resurface helpfully fuelled by those without direct experience and with highly entrenched ableist views. It makes it harder for her to see the truth and imo increases the baggage but she will navigate it eventually.
As a mum you can talk to her about her feelings about her sister and help her feel more comfortable with them and to behave better. Personally I wouldn’t burden her too much with how it makes you feel, though it can help to remind her that she’s talking about someone you love and that she is very loved too.

Teens can be awful without meaning it. Have a chat about why she feels like that.

She’s a glass child. I’m not surprised.

Its not wrong at all to be hurt, it is sad when siblings attack each other. But 14 year olds are emotionally unstable quite often and my guess would be its not that she hates her sister but that she hates her sister having needs which take your attention to her sister and away from her. I am sure you have done your best. I would try to be understanding and listen to the 14 year old.

I have one NT and one asd and at times the NT one has been resentful of the asd one as he needs more attention and is more dependent and she resented the time he took, the attention he got, thought he was babyied. As a mother though you have to do things differently though with 2 very different children so its absolutely understandable and as my daughter is now older, 18, she understands this. She also realises that being the independent one is better.

Agree with previous posts. She is also now becoming old enough to understand and to start to worry about what happens when her parents are gone and the responsibility (financial and emotional, which is arguably worse) which will become hers?

The whole concept of “glass child” is imo really unhelpful. Not everyone is born into a family that can provide the ideal environment. You might be born into war, or poverty, or orphaned or into a stifling religious culture. Childhood is impacted by so many things.

I know what you mean, and what you say about the poor experiences of children around the world is true. But I personally find the whole concept of the glass child extremely helpful. The circumstances of my childhood that have continued to haunt me for the whole of my life have fallen into an understandable pattern thanks to this thread and the 'glass child' term. It is me! I am one of the glass children, albeit half a century on.

I find the glass child interesting but it would also be useful to have the mother or parents in as well and have the triangle between the three. The glass child is very much from that child's perspective which needs to be heard but so does everyone. For example, the mother may well be unable to work due to high needs of disabled child meaning loss of career opportunities and loss of income, the mother may want to work, the other child want the income, holidays etc and be angry with the mother or disabled child.

I think we can already have an idea of the challenges facing any parent of a disabled child, of which there are many. It is also challenging for the disabled child him/herself - I don't think any of this is up for dispute @Silkiefloof the point is that historically other children of the disabled family have not been studied in the same amount of detail, so far as I am aware. I think it perfectly in order to turn attention to siblings of the disabled child as part of any consideration one is taking towards the disabled family.

It is perfectly normal for teenagers to hate their siblings at times and that is before the complexity of the other child having significant additional needs is factored in.

Your youngest dc will have had a lot more to manage than many of her friends and peers.

Try and remain non-judgmental and give her space to vent about is making her so frustrated and maybe sad.

DD14 is entitled to her feelings. Did she shout it at you or at her sister?

Your immediate response is defend your eldest DD. I imagine this is a recurring theme and DD14 has reached her limit of feeling sidelined and less important. She's probably sick of always making allowances for her sister.

You should be listening to and reassuring her rather than shutting her down. DD14 has her own emotional needs which need to be met and they're just as valid as anyone else's.

I think you need to rethink your approach to this situation.

Honestly I think this is perfectly normal. People often forget what siblngs go thru in these situations. It's a huge strain and I think it's unreasonable to pretend otherwise. We have this situation in our family. My daughter adores her older sister but there are times she's felt the same way. Sending you hugs

Look at sibs - charity for children and adults with disabled brothers and sisters. She will get support from them. Www.sibs.org.uk

@barbarahunter sibs have and adult sibling network too with lots of info and help for them on their website.

I wish as a child I had been able to express how I sometimes felt about my older autistic sibling. Or knew another child who also had a disabled sibling like mine.

There are children here in the uk massively impacted by war, poverty, bereavement and religion, but yes those brought up in other countries too.
I don’t think recognising the impact on other family members is a new thing. Certainly in the 80s/90s there was a phase of saying “it’s not just the disabled person but the whole family who are disabled by whatever”. It got peoples backs up, but to me the glass thing is just a rebranding of the same old same old. I think it’s less than helpful myself but we all have to find our own way of thinking about things.

I don't think glass child comes into it with this one. The eldest, definitely but my youngest sees her disabled sister for probably less than six weeks a year.
Anyway, we've had some conversations this week, and I've tried to be sympathetic, and get to the bottom of the outburst. She flip-flopped over several different reasons, she's fallen with friends, she hates her hair, she's too tall, etc etc... she's definitely a hormonal 14yo!!
Thanks for all the words of wisdom !

It sounds like she’s generally fed up right now, which many 14 yr olds are. When loads of things in life feel out of whack but it’s hard to articulate that general feeling of life being shitty, (which again, for many 14 year olds, it can be), they sometimes pick on one thing they can attribute all their upset to. In this case, her DS. It’s like the child who’s been told off at school for forgetting their homework, or fallen out with a friend, and comes home saying they hate school and everything and everyone it it and want to leave, rather than being able to say they were embarrassed/ashamed/angry etc at being told off about the homework or they had an argument with their friend and they’re not talking.

kids can and do go through phases of resenting and disliking their siblings for all sorts of reasons - one needing to be taken here there and everywhere for a sport, music or other activity and the others being dragged along even though there’s nothing in it for them. Resenting a sibling needing more help from their parents with school work, or being gifted and sailing through everything without any effort while they have to slog away.

I think she seems to be starting to tell you what’s getting her down right now and that’s good. Gosh it’s so hard at this age.

Yes. Kindly, you’re wrong to be ‘so hurt’, this isn’t about you.

Your poor DD, please get to the bottom of why she feels like this and what you can do to make her feel better, I’m sad for her.

Good luck to you both.

Yep, I was hurt, even more so when she told me I 'never haver her back' which couldn't be further from the truth. However, by that point, she was hating everything and everyone, but I'd changed tack , to being calm and understanding, thanks to some kind and helpful words here, and things have definitely improved over the last 24 hours. Bridges have been built with friends, her spots have settled down a bit, her homework is up to date...phew, it's a roller coaster!

She's a child. I know 14 year olds often act like adults and look like adults but they do not have the same level of emotional regulation, emotional intelligence and life experience as adults
She will not really hate her sister.
Did you not ever yell at your parents you hated them as a teen? You are in a minority if you didn't.
It just means she's having an intense emotional reaction to something.
Try not to take it too personally or seriously beyond it indicating She's unhappy about something. Try to talk to her with compassion and sympathy. Don't shame her or try to tell her she can't feel that way as it will just ramp up the issue.
She won't be like this forever. She's just a child.

My girls all resent each other and their various needs. Let her have her feelings. She'll work through them.