DD learning to drive- go out with parent for practice or not?

[wendall456]

My DD has had 10 driving lessons and considering she suffers from anxiety she has been doing really really well. Driving instructor told her though that the more practice she can have with a parent taking her out the better. My DH was very against this as he knew they would clash but he took the advice of the instructor and took her out yesterday. He said she was awful and not safe to be in a car - she said her dad was mean to her the whole time and has made her really nervous and anxious now. She overheard my DH basically telling me she was crap. I dont drive as I suffered from crippling driving anxiety and have been very careful not to put my anxieties on to her. Because she said she heard her dad saying she is not "safe to drive" she is refusing to ever get in a car again - problem is on Wednesday we just paid for another block of 10!!

It is a bit late as the damage has now been done but in all honestly from peoples personal experience - should she go out with a parent or not!!!!

I am so cross because finally she was overcoming her anxieties and now this is a major setback.

I would say not!

To be honest it does make a difference the more practice she does, however teaching someone to drive is stressful. Even more so if it’s the parents car.

I have taught three teens and I have the grey hairs to prove it.

IMO the extra practice is really valuable. Ds passed his test at the first attempt last week. He had 12 hours lessons plus 4 hours pre-test lessons and about the equivalent time with me. Doing that allowed for practice at all times of the day, in all weather conditions and on many more routes than just the test route.
That said I don't know if the situation with her dad is redeemable., is there any level headed friend or family member that could volunteer to accompany her. It sounds like, however inadvertently the anxiety around driving has been passed on so she might well struggle to get past what she heard.

They really ought to be practising between lessons but clearly your H was the wrong person to do it with. Every parent I know took their teenagers out to practice. We all found it nerve-wracking but managed to be more patient and supportive than your H.

I’ve had less experience than @Totaly as I’ve only taken DD out practicing, but I’d say the opposite! DD really benefited from practice drives with us, although it soon became apparent that I was the better person to take her. She said that DH made her anxious, held onto the door while she drove and barked out instructions to her. 😂

I kept quiet and tried to give her the odd piece of advice and hide my abject terror.

It’s weird, because DH is typically laid back and I’m the anxious one.

Where I live, teen learners have to have 90 hours supervised with parents.

I did DS (eldest) so DH was supposed to go with DD and that lasted once! DH is cranky and made DD nervous, so I had to do her too.

I’m sorry that your DH was so critical of your daughter and I hope she doesn’t give up.

The thing is, of course she isn't going to be safe after 10 lessons and no other practice. Is your dh really thick? Does he think that after 10 piano lessons, that a person could give a great concert?

Driving isn't straightforward on UK roads today. Anyone who thinks it is, well they are simply arrogant and/or stupid. I've been driving for nearly 30 years. Yesterday as I was driving down the road, the car that was 2 cars in front of me hit a cyclist who went rolling across the middle of a 50mph road. Fucking scary.

My ds is 17. I took him out religiously in between lessons and that's really what enabled him to pass. The instructor was great. But definitely practice needed. All his friends who have passed had their parents take them out. It is really scary.

Your dh has been naive and then followed it up by being loud.

He needs to adjust his expectations, apologise to your dd for being a total dick head and then get back in the car and get this job done.

It depends very much on the parent and the child. My DH basically taught our two to drive and then we just booked a few lessons with an instructor to learn the test routes at the end, but he is very calm and patient and they both took to driving very easily so it worked well.
However, when I was learning, driving with my Dad was a nightmare. I remember one occasion where we both ended up standing in the middle of the road yelling at each other and I think I walked several miles back home as I was too stubborn to get back in the car after our argument,which I can't even remember the reason for now. It will have been something totally trivial I'm sure! My Dad was not a great teacher and in all honesty I was a pretty dreadful pupil - it just didn't work for us and I was better off just sticking with my instructor.
Going out with parents between lessons is helpful in theory, but in practice there are loads of people who it doesn't work out for, or whose parents can't or won't take them out. It's perfectly possible to pass the test without extra practice though obviously it is likely to take longer if you're reliant only on lessons. That said, if practicing with her Dad is such a negative experience for your DD then it will probably set her back rather than help her. It's a shame he reacted that way, but I have to confess that I found it hard to sit in with my kids when they were learning. I wasn't that bad but I was certainly not comfortable and they could tell. It's a different kettle of fish when they're driving a normal car and you have no real control over what's happening compared to a driving instructor with dual controls. For some people it's definitely best to leave it to the professionals. I hope your DD gets her confidence back and is able to resume lessons and pass soon.

Practice - yes, vital
With parent - from personal experience, I'd say no.
Do you have a family friend that you could ask? It worked for me.

My ds1 passed first time and we did lessons, bad cop (DH) and good cop (me). So this consisted of him doing lots of long driving practice with DH around the test centre routes where there was apparently much shouting and arguing and narrow misses, because DH is completely unable to regulate his emotional responses, but ds1 did improve very quickly between lessons. Then I took him up the road to a local leisure centre carpark a couple of times a week and we practiced manoeuvres and parking, and I did not completely lose my shit if he came a couple of cm too close to another car, because I'm a pragmatic and emotionally stable adult.

Worked well for him, but all family dynamics are different I guess.

I also live in an area where teens have to do 90 parent supervised hours. There are also 10 professional instruction hours required. I’m pretty sure If you don’t have a parent or other qualified adult, you can pay a professional instructor to get you to the 100 hour total.

We are doing this with our 14yo right now and that extra time behind the wheel is what really makes the difference. She started out so nervous. It also helps when it can evolve into being part of your lives and the teen can get real world driving experience that reflects your actual lives. Instead of just a driving lesson, they can drive you to the supermarket. That counts as practice time and It’s the kind of real world practice that helps give them confidence.

I’d just try and persuade her to go out with the driving instructor , and at the same time have a word with your very tactless husband . My daughter has severe anxiety and has recently passed her test , she had about 40 hours of lessons and a total of about 4 hours practice with me .

I've just been out with my 16 year old, going up and down our driveway. He has already driven our automatic a fair bit but is now learning manual, so he has to get into gear without stalling first! I always start out in a minimal traffic situation - ie industrial area on the weekend, new subdivision, and don't move from it until we both feel comfortable. If they are both willing to try again maybe just do something like that - going somewhere really quiet and practicing easy stuff like turning, pulling over, etc, and see if she can get her confidence back.

I think it would be hard to build up the automatic/instinctive reactions you need driving without doing it regularly, your husband is really unreasonable for saying she's 'not safe' with such little experience - no one would be!

Maybe he could go out for a lesson with her and the instructor to observe how he teaches? Could be that he just has no idea how to handle it. It can be nerve-wracking going out with a learner driver, but it's one of those situations where you just have to stay calm for the drivers sake. (and stressing them out is more dangerous!)

I don't think I would cope very well for it to be advantageous, but my DH would be brilliant so he is going to it, especially when they are further along to do the dual carriageways (and motorways post passing).

I think it will really depend on the parent and child on the level of benefit, I didn't go out with my parents and was fine (did need more lessons than my friends though).

That’s really shit of your DH😡. I’d be furious, your poor DD.

I was going to say that’s it’s really useful to practice with parents as often as possible but not in this case!

Its nerve wracking going out with them to begin with but you get used to it.

Sorry and to answer the specific issue, that's why I think it depends, your DH was shut, just let her do lessons but she will likely need more now!

He needs to apologise and tell her he was just panicking and of course she will pass with some practise & take her out to get that practise. Start going round an industrial estate at the weekend and then build up to quiet road and only move to town/busy roads once they are both comfortable. It's terrifying those first few times with your teen but it (& they) get better and do need this help

Honestly, driving instructors teach you how to pass the test... practicing is what teaches that 'gut feel' of when another driver is going to do something stupid.

DS had around 10x1 hour lessons, as well as driving hundreds of miles with DH, and I did lots of parking practice etc with him. He passed 1st time and is a great driver.

Definitely get someone to practice with you DD (even if it's not your DH).

I think it really depends on the parent and child and also where you live, if you have almost empty roads to practice on that’s bound to go better than central Manchester or somewhere like that!

DD1 is about to start learning to drive and I don’t really want to practice with her because I think we’ll clash - I haven’t said that to her, just said I think it’s better if she has a real instructor to explain things.

OP, it must have been upsetting for your DD to hear that from her dad. Could he apologise and explain how stressful it is to teach someone to drive when you’re not a driving instructor? Kind of taking the blame for things not going well.

i wouldnt say practice is vital
i had one practice with dm which was terrible
after that all the practice i had was with my driving instructor.

i took my own ds out but i managed to stay very calm and barely comment, i didnt want to confuse him from his instructor's advice

Yep, any extra practice will help. But not with an abusive arsehole like the OP's husband!

My OH took our son out even before his first driving lesson and he was pretty competent by the time he started lessons. He'd already passed his theory test too, which OH had prepared him for. He had very few formal lessons with an instructor and passed first time with only one minor fault.

But them DH is actually a very nice, thoughtful, person and would never have criticised, shouted nor abused our son in any way! He is also a very good, safe, driver, not the kind who speeds and ignores the rules of the road like so many blokes! His mother taught him to drive when he was 17 and he only had 2 proper lessons himself after he'd got a test date, just for "mock" driving tests really, and he passed first time.

In the OPs case, it's her husband who is the problem, not the general idea of giving extra practice to your son/daughter!

i guess if she was paying for them herself op she might want to do better

In Australia the expectation is 120hrs in your log book (or at least it is in Victoria) which means with parents or other adults. Is there a family friend she trusts that could take her out? Seems like her dad is a poor choice

I'm only a data point of one, but I learnt to drive with zero additional practice (my mother didn't drive, parents divorced and I was low contact with my father). I did have a lot of lessons (somewhere between 20 and 30 I think?).

I passed first time and felt comfortable and safe driving independently. Once I'd passed I recall having a couple of motorway driving lessons.

I'd agree with that. I think it's why so many drivers seem "scared" to drive anywhere unusual or on their own once they've passed. Driving instructors will usually only drive around the test area, so the learner doesn't gain the exposure of "new" areas, difficult driving conditions, etc., as test areas are usually pretty quiet/safe areas.

My father took me out a lot (mother didn't drive). I'd drive to do all the "chore" driving, i.e. going to the shops, going to fill up with fuel, etc., on an almost daily basis. I'd also drive for our family trips out. It just became the norm that I'd drive us around. The experience was invaluable, especially when going to a different town as you'd have to keep your eyes open for signs, lane markings, etc which is pretty hard on roads you've never seen before. Not to mention congestion, busy roads, etc. Far more valuable experience than driving the same roads, week after week, with your driving instructor!

I wonder if your driving anxiety is directly related to your husbands response to your DD.