Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DD learning to drive- go out with parent for practice or not?

45 replies

wendall456 · 04/11/2023 00:30

My DD has had 10 driving lessons and considering she suffers from anxiety she has been doing really really well. Driving instructor told her though that the more practice she can have with a parent taking her out the better. My DH was very against this as he knew they would clash but he took the advice of the instructor and took her out yesterday. He said she was awful and not safe to be in a car - she said her dad was mean to her the whole time and has made her really nervous and anxious now. She overheard my DH basically telling me she was crap. I dont drive as I suffered from crippling driving anxiety and have been very careful not to put my anxieties on to her. Because she said she heard her dad saying she is not "safe to drive" she is refusing to ever get in a car again - problem is on Wednesday we just paid for another block of 10!!

It is a bit late as the damage has now been done but in all honestly from peoples personal experience - should she go out with a parent or not!!!!

I am so cross because finally she was overcoming her anxieties and now this is a major setback.

OP posts:

kkneat · 04/11/2023 08:54

I took my DD’s out quite a lot passed first time but my DH couldn’t he just isn’t the right temperament for it. In my day I didn’t do any extra driving just the lessons nor did my DH both past first time. My nephew past last week aged 17 no extra driving but was a confident driver from day 1. It is very nerve wrecking thd first couple of times you take them out but hace to remain very calm

PosterBoy · 04/11/2023 08:55

Usually yes but in this case no. It's unlikely, but do you have anyone else who could help?

Have you considered setting her an example by taking lessons at the same time as her? Even if she succeeds and you don't, it would show her to persevere.

Badbadbunny · 04/11/2023 08:57

@wendall456

I dont drive as I suffered from crippling driving anxiety and have been very careful not to put my anxieties on to her.

Was that before you met your husband or did HE cause your anxieties too!! Perhaps the problem is him, and not your nor your daughter.

THisbackwithavengeance · 04/11/2023 09:02

Well your DH is a prize twat and a bigmouth to boot and he needs to apologise profusely to your DD.

10 lessons isn't much for someone who isn't a 'natural' driver. But anyone can drive. Like all similar skillsets, it's just practice and confidence.

OP, why don't you and your DD go on one of those intensive driving courses together?

Your DH can pay.

SoupDragon · 04/11/2023 09:05

My dad was lovely and kind when I was learning to drive and I still hated every second of driving with him in the car! I can only imagine how awful your DD must feel.

Practice with a parent is only going to be worthwhile if the parent is not judgemental (beyond reasons of safety) and offers only positive criticism. They are really there for the learner to practice, not to teach them. I suspect your DH has forgotten what it is like to be a learner driver - of course they aren't going the be as good as an experienced one, that's the whole point of the L plates and the lessons!

Because she said she heard her dad saying she is not "safe to drive" she is refusing to ever get in a car again - problem is on Wednesday we just paid for another block of 10!!

I would tell the instructor what happened and insist your DD carries on with this block of lessons. Point out to her that if she was really that unsafe, the instructor would have said something and wouldn't have suggested she go out without a proper qualified instructor if she was really unsafe.

TetleyTeaForMe · 04/11/2023 10:57

I've done it for all of my children and it's hard but you have to have tons of patience.

You need to tailor the practice to their stage so, at the beginning you just stay on quiet roads.

I found I needed to be encouraging and kind and this helped them gain confidence.

jolies1 · 04/11/2023 11:04

My dad and I had horrendous fallings out in the car when I was learning to drive. Be prepared for one or another storming off, slammed doors, tears.

But to be fair the practise and stress paid off in the end as passed 1st time and I’m a confident driver. (We now get on very well and he will happily sit as a passenger!) it’s not easy but it does massively help especially with cost of lessons.

bozzabollix · 04/11/2023 11:10

I am a driving instructor, I can tell when someone has had practice very quickly, it does help. However I’m trained and I have dual controls and learners have things in common that us instructors look out for (big lorry coming the other way, likely the steering will go to the left as they panic for example, my hands twitch at that point towards the steering wheel).

You do have to be very calm, if you can’t do that, don’t go out with them. Also you have to be looking out and anticipating what’s going to happen next, and be in time to intervene verbally.

If your child comes back traumatised from a practice drive it just means a big counselling session prior to setting off next driving lesson. I’ve have them driving again in ten minutes! But better not to repeat the experience and just pay if it’s traumatic for all involved. Not everyone can practice in between and with test waits being six months there’s no urgency either.

bozzabollix · 04/11/2023 11:12

PS choose routes carefully for each stage.

TheSilverThorn · 04/11/2023 11:16

The cost to add DS to our insurance equated to quite a few lessons plus we are not qualified driving instructors so we never took DS out for practice. He had 20 lessons so 20 hours in total driving and then passed first time.

nicky2512 · 04/11/2023 11:23

Ds (17) passed quite quickly with loads of extra practice time out with dh. Made a big difference. Older dd is now learning and isn’t as keen on driving. She goes out with dh too and it really helps. However dh is extremely laid back. He doesn’t worry or make a fuss and definitely doesn’t criticise their driving.
Totally different to when I was learning and went out with my own dad. He is great but he was v stressed about it and it made me so nervous.

TheFairyCaravan · 04/11/2023 11:23

We took our children out when they were learning to drive, just as our parents took us out. It was invaluable experience for them but we didn’t shout at them and certainly didn’t tell them they were crap.

She couldn’t read a full book after 10 hours reading practice so she’s hardly going to be able to drive a car is she? I bet your DH was shit at the same point too! He needs to apologise to her and fix the mess he’s caused.

wandawaves · 04/11/2023 11:27

Tell your awful husband to apologise to her and that what he really meant to say was he's not used to teaching a learner so he overreacted and with another block of lessons she'll be great. Then continue with the lessons you booked.

Like a PP I'm also Aussie and we have to do 120 hours of driving here.
Can you really go for your test after 10 lessons?? That seems unbelievably risky to me.

Kendodd · 04/11/2023 11:36

With regard your husband saying she's not safe, of course she is, she can't drive, just like all learners.

I did loads of driving practise with my daughter, it was TERRIFYING but we got through. From what youve said, as you can't drive, the only option is to go out with her dad, that hasn't gone well so you might not want to do it again. This leaves you with just expensive driving instructor hours. You're just going to have to do that. One thing that might be useful and not very stressful would be to practise little things together in a empty car park. I would suggest super slow driving in a car park. ie driving as slow as she possibly can. As a driver, you do this loads and it's a real skill. Likewise, hill starts. We found a car park on a steep slope and did massive amounts of hill start practise. Not scary as you aren't dealing with loads of on road traffic.

Topseyt123 · 04/11/2023 11:58

Your DH is clearly a twat who lives with his foot in his mouth. He needs to apologise profusely to DD, and HE must pay for her lessons. Extra lessons, NOT him taking her out as he clearly isn't capable

My Dad taught me to drive but it wasn't our finest hour as he was a perfectionist who couldn't keep up the patience needed for teaching me to drive. I had to have an instructor in order to bolster my confidence as he tended to shout at me and dent it.

This caused me to question whether or not it was a great idea to have parents teaching their children to drive because of the tensions and arguments it caused for both DH and I when we were learning. I told my DDs that I would not be taking them out on the road for practice because I am the wrong person for that. I would be nervous and scared, and I would prefer to preserve our good relationship. I wanted us to continue to get on. DH felt much the same way. Our DDs had to rely on just lessons. All passed first time.

It can work well for parents taking their children for driving practice, but not in all cases. It can damage family relationships too.

HaplessRhombus · 04/11/2023 12:07

I recently learned to drive and would say private practice is invaluable, but perhaps you should wait until later before doing it. I didn't do any private practice until I had covered all the skills in my lessons and was approaching test ready. I used the private practice to develop my judgement and confidence behind the wheel. My test was mid-August and I started private practice at the start of July.

Also, your husband behaved like a total prick. You need to make him aware of that and he needs to apologise profusely to your daughter. There's no excuse for tearing into a learner driver like that.

Sandysandwich · 04/11/2023 12:21

My mum mostly taught me to drive (after a few private lessons) and it was great, she was very patient and chill and encoraging and we went to lots of safe places to practice.
I didn't drive my dad anywhere until 3 years after I had passed my test as I knew he would make me nervous and ruin it with his 'constructive' critisism.
It definitely matters who the adult is if you don't have a helpful, non arsey adult to practice with her, then I would stick to private lessons- her dad isn't going to be any use if he makes her nervous and stressed, she wont get any better like that.

WaltzingWaters · 04/11/2023 12:26

For me (though this was a long time ago) practice with my parents was hugely beneficial. But both me and my parents were quite relaxed. I think if they just clash and make each other more anxious it’s not going to be helpful. Are there any other family members who could go driving with her who would be more relaxed?

Ariela · 04/11/2023 13:12

Do you have a calm friend could go out with her? I don't think your DH is being helpful.

Seeline · 04/11/2023 13:21

I know I am a terrible passenger so refused to take DD out. She was really anxious learning, but did go out a few times with DH mainly just to practice the manoeuvres. And it really was just a few short, local trips.
We were prepared to pay for however many lessons she needed. She had 3 different instructors because the first 2 just shouted.
She's just passed first time with 3 minors, so it is possible to do, just more expensive.

Flip

1 2