13 year old DD not joining in with family

[crazypiglady]

This has sort of snuck up on me this summer, she’s gone from happily coming along to whatever day trips or little things I’ve planned to not wanting to leave her room unless it’s to see her mates. I know this is normal teen behaviour but I don’t know how much I should be pushing her to join in? It feels like she’s opting out of the family, & if I can get her to come along she’s often sullen & ruins it for everyone else anyway. Should I let her opt out & miss out? At what age do teens detach & start to do their own thing most of the time?

Id let her opt out. I’ve been there with the teens ruining the day out/holiday.
Just make sure you do some things that you know she’d like, and don’t make any comment when she does come with you.

That’s about the age teens do it
pick your battles, set expectations
as in “you can do whatever all week but you still need to spend one evening/afternoon/day with the family every (insert time here)”
if possible make it something she will enjoy or ask her to plan something
remember when they were toddlers and their option was “you want the green jumper or the red one” and your aim was getting them to put a jumper
same principle - you want to join today for a walk or tomorrow to the beach (she still joins for something, but it’s her choice)

We let our teen opt out unless it’s a family event; if forced it spoils days out and I find that quite frustrating especially when money is spent. We do make sure we do things that they will like too though which they don’t miss I notice (meals out in particular) and will sometimes offer to bring a friend which also helps.
Interestingly I’ve noticed that a family day out might not be attractive but going in the car to collect something that also includes a trip to Starbucks is often something they’ll be more likely to join me or DH on.
I remember being that age and days out with my parents really not being appealing

Absolutely let her opt out. It's normal and a grumpy teen on a day out is no fun. It's like going out with a thunder cloud!

We did a half and half, so didn't force them on every trip but did force them for other things. Dh would often take one child with him on a tip run, nice chance to chat in the car, the next tip run he would take the other one. Now I know this isn't an exciting outing but it is what adults have to do and children need to understand all the realities of responsibility that come with being an adult.

But then we made ours help tidy up the garden, they are expected to help unpack any shopping. So Dh and I will go to Costco, we message them as we are leaving so they are prepared for the return with a load of stuff to bring into the house. They stand on the doorstep and we pass them stuff from the car boot. We have family dinners every night and family lunches and dinners on weekends. They are not allowed to eat in their rooms, they can be on their phone whilst eating breakfast but not the family meals, we have a phone ban. We also watch tv shows together too, some mainly for them, it is give and take.

We also explained that although Grandparents talking about stuff isn't going to be exciting that they have to remember that the same Grandparent listened to them prattle on about all sorts.

My children are now 20 and 17 and have always come off computers etc with no complaints. They do chores because it was non-negotiable. The benefit for them was as long as they did things with a good attitude, had a good attitude to learning, ie homework done to a good standard they could have as much tech as they wanted. This has worked well for us but their computers were not in their rooms, they are downstairs in a room that is just for them and were together rather than alone.

This was me age 13. I didn't want to be seen dead out in public with my parents, mainly on the off chance I might be seen by the latest fit lad that all the girls fancied 😉 numerous battles with my mum about going places I didn't want to go. I think my mum gave up in the end.
I would worry about it OP, normal teenage behaviour methinks!!

*wouldn't worry about it

Ok this is reassuring - my instinct is not to fight it but I also don’t want her to miss out on big family things like holidays…even though like a PP said sometimes on days out it’s like taking your own personal thunder cloud with you…inviting a friend is a good idea I hadn’t thought of that, also doing what she wants to do…my parents always took me on holidays/mini breaks/days out so I wasn’t when is a appropriate age to stop this if it’s not working for everyone…I’m torn between not wanting her to miss out on being with us but also trying to ensure a nice experience for the rest of us!

I remember this phase. Cut her some slack. She probably finds you all excruciatingly boring/embarrassing atm 😂. Why wreck the day for all of you?

I was never one to opt out as a teen. I had a boyfriend from the age 14 and he was an only child and his parents loved a long day out walking or sight seeing somewhere and usually with a little chef in the way home. I was always invited along and spent many a day out with him and his family.

My teen is the opposite as she’s autistic and doesn’t like going out with friends. She only goes out if it’s a planned day with me somewhere. I even had to have coffee with her friend and friend’s mum this week just to get her out. My younger child is another kettle of fish though and has just starting hanging out with friends unsupervised. She hasn’t opted out of family days yet but is very fussy about where we go so takes some negotiation to go somewhere we are al happy with.

And yes, Starbucks is a currently carrot to dangle!!

She's 13, don't push her to join.

we give freedom but we expect compromise. We do not allow sullen and moody behavior ruining days out. If this is the case, teen knows they get one of ‘their days’ ruined (cancelled party/trip to cinema).

You could negotiate 1 hour with family then friends time. They won't always be like that.

My DD is a few years off the teen years, but a question: for those saying let the teen opt out, do they then stay at home alone whilst the rest of the family go out?
13 seems young to be potentially left for a whole day, but I know I was without parental supervision at a younger age but that was the 80s/90s so a different time!

@celticprincess I was the teenager who didn't want to be left out of family things because my family were my safe space - and yes, I was autistic. And my parents worried tremendously that I wasn't gaining independence, didn't have enough friends etc. (I did; but seeing them at school and activities was enough.) I don't think teens can win! Caring parents are going to worry about something.

I didn't grow up to be a recluse; I was just on my own schedule. At university I socialised all right.

I don't actually remember any of the family's teenagers being like this about family activities, but it's definitely within the normal range of behaviours.

Yeah, Starbucks is my answer too. At 13 I wasn't going anywhere with my parents, I had important teen business to be getting on with.

I insist on my ds leaving his room every day, simply because I don't let him eat upstairs.

I call him out for meals and he has sports classes on Saturday and on Sunday so I chase him up for those too. And we cycle together. He's still not very talkative but at least he manages the basics. The rest of the time, I let him get on with being a typical teen.

If we go out for the day he's pretty good, but brings his Switch with him to play during boring periods like waiting for food in restaurants.

It's a reasonable compromise.

My parents had the same concerns as you. They tended to do the same activity most weekends that I just wasn't interested in. My father even cried once because I didn't like going along with them for this activity and he missed my company. Are you doing things your 13 year old is interested in? It's hard when you and your teen enjoy different things.

Trust me, a 13 yr old is perfectly fine and happy to be alone during the day.

It really is a stage OP and they come out the other side. My nearly 13 Yr old is there and near 16 yr old is past that and relatively pleasant.

Agree with not pushing it. But there are some times they have to come eg holidays, but best thing is to try not to get angry about it and be delightfully nice when they do join you.

Going against the grain I wouldn't accept opting out of holidays or days out and I definitely wouldn't allow them then ruining it for everyone else.

It sounds v isolating for your dd op? Does she talk to you about what's going on in her life? Do you have some common ground? So you keep an eye on her phone?

13 is still really young to be opting out of family life.

My dd is 17 now and I think we found a balance between letting her to do her own thing but also join in with family day trips.

I have three teens, here are my thoughts.

The most important thing to me is that we all eat together every night, not if they're out of course, but if they're in the house they have to come downstairs and sit at the table (no phones allowed).

I make it clear they're still welcome to join in, it's their choice. Some days out do still work with teens, eg theme parks. So maybe aim for less frequent but more expensive.

I agree with the comments upthread about Starbucks, or the promise of milkshakes or all day breakfast at a cafe will always convince my kids!

I'd expect her to be coming on family holidays for several more years.

Reading with interest as in the same situation.

It’s normal. However, I make sure there’s a lot of fun chat, rituals and humour that the teens can opt in to.

Probably gonna get slammed but I make their home filled with unconditional support and respect and my door is always open. As a former teacher I know exactly what stresses they go through at school as well as remembering how I felt at that age.

I think it's pretty normal, I am over 60 but I can remember opting out of family holidays from about 12 ... my DGPs would come and stay with me so I obviously wasn't 'home alone'. I do remember going on a skiing holiday around 16 and absolutely hating it ... I feel sorry for my DPs now looking back, it must have cost them a fortune . We always had meals as a family though but I just hated the tediousness of some 'family activities'. Hasn't had any effect on our long term relationship - my DM (90!) and I went away on holiday together recently.

We were the same with our DS, never insisted he did stuff with us ... but the reality was that he & DH did a lot of sports together so plenty of bonding time (& I was the one happy to be on my own).