13 year old DD not joining in with family

[crazypiglady]

This has sort of snuck up on me this summer, she’s gone from happily coming along to whatever day trips or little things I’ve planned to not wanting to leave her room unless it’s to see her mates. I know this is normal teen behaviour but I don’t know how much I should be pushing her to join in? It feels like she’s opting out of the family, & if I can get her to come along she’s often sullen & ruins it for everyone else anyway. Should I let her opt out & miss out? At what age do teens detach & start to do their own thing most of the time?

It sounds v isolating for your dd op? Does she talk to you about what's going on in her life? Do you have some common ground? So you keep an eye on her phone?

Yes I definitely keep an eye on her phone! She can spend hours chatting to her mates & will go out with them at the drop of a hat…my instinct is that’s as it should be at this age, after a rocky start to high school she’s now thankfully got a lovely group of friends, I just wasn’t sure how much I should be pushing ‘you still need to join in with us’. It’s that letting go/independence fine line.

@crazypiglady It seems like you've actually got a sensible balance.

I think all the people saying "leave the door open for her to come if she wants" are right, but on some occasions I think it is OK to push a bit. In some cases the insistence on independence may be boundary-testing rather than a real desire (whether she knows that or not!)

I have had a sudden flashback to a family holiday to Disneyworld (only time we ever went). I was 13 and was convinced I would want to go around the parks on my own, and remember being disappointed when my parents told me no way. But when we actually got there, I realised it was better as a shared experience - and I'm a person who enjoys travelling on her own as a grownup.

This!! Trip to b&q (which is on retail park with Starbucks) and they are there every time! “Family fun” not so much! 🤣

It's so individual this, with so many varying factors. My 14yo DS would, I thought, live in his room if allowed. Recently due to some tech issues his X box has had to come downstairs into the shared living space and although that's meant less time on it, he actually says he's liked being downstairs more.
A few months back I realised I'd really let things slip with me and the kids eating separately, on laps etc and readjusted a bit so we eat at the table together about 4x a week. The siblings are getting on much better now and ask the other to play games etc.
DS also tries to avoid outings and even a long planned holiday last summer but I insisted and he had a brilliant time. It's definitely a balance.

We have a 14 year old son. He’s not really wanted to come on holiday the last couple of years. He used to be such a brilliant mingler, we’d go on hol and he’d make friends pretty much straight away but now he’s not interested. Last year we went to a beautiful resort in kos, typical August half term price for a 5* resort so not cheap and he was unbearable, just moody the entire time. So much so that me and my hubby ended up arguing because of it and it spoiled our hol.
This year we had booked to go to Malta in the summer, the 3 of us and then on a med cruise in October (we came back last week from that) with our friends and their son who is a year younger and then to Scotland for new year. 2 months before the balance was due on the Malta holiday he was being his usual teenage moody self and I got to thinking is it worth it dragging him on hol or should I actually ask if he wants to come. I’d rather have cancelled then gone through the hard work like last year. So I asked. He didn’t want to come but wanted his nanna (who lives 220 miles away and has Parkinson’s ) to come and stay with him. Long shot but I asked and she said yes as long as we could pick her up. So I took him off the booking, picked my mum up and me and my hubby had a lovely chilled week away and he had a brilliant time at home with his nanna. He loved the one to one time with her. On the cruise last week we didn’t see him because he had a mate with him, it made such a difference him having someone he knows and made for a better holiday for us and for our mates. We’re going to ask a friend of his to come away to Scotland for new year. Honestly don’t push her if you can take a friend, sometimes for your own sanity it’s better to leave them at home with a family member than it just cause friction and you ending up regretting spending money when it’s just stressful. She will come back to you in a few years it’s just a phase they’re going through.

You need to do stuff they actually enjoy.

Ours are happy to come to the cinema/theatre with us or out for a meal as long as they are not missing out on anything going on with their friends. We have given up with walks. They are a little older 14/17.

What's actually different about a teenagers staying home now than it was in the 80/90 s apart from the fact its easier for them to contact you if there is an issue

My SD is 13 at the end of this month (her dad has full custody) and I don’t always expect her to come with us to things. Exceptions being family gatherings etc. her siblings are aged 5, 3 and 1 so there’s many family day trips that she just isn’t going to enjoy. We don’t allow her to stay at home by herself for the whole day so if she doesn’t want to join (I explain where we’re going and give her the option) then she stays with a family member while we are out and we’ll pick her up on the way back. She used to come and would have the common face like a slapped arse the whole day and it would ruin it for everyone so now she knows if she makes the choice to come, bad moods aren’t tolerated 😂 she’s been fine ever since we sat down and talked about it and she usually opts out now - not an issue with us though 😊 it is hard when you feel like they won’t want to spend time with you unless you buy something for them so it feels more like a transaction than a relationship but it is what it is until she’s older 😅 got more to come when her siblings grow older too. 🤣

As long as she's eating and doant seem depressed I'd go with it.
Ask her if there's something that you two can do occasionally together as you'd like to spend time with her but not push her. It could be a cafe date or something she enjoys just say that you'd like to be able to have some time per month to catch up. It's hard but it's just her age.

I don’t remember ever opting out of days out as a teen.. I went on all holidays and days out as a family. I have very happy memories. I also spent lots of time with mates. No sure the why it’s one or the other? Surely they can have 80% freedom then join in the other 20% which is family time?

13 years old and ' doing own thing' is extremely dangerous.
13 is still a child.
They don't realise how much protection is required at that age.
To give a 13 year old Autonomy is crazy in this corrupt world. There must be a alternative to giving freedom to choose.
There's DRUGS, DRINK, EXPLOITATION, OREGNANCY. all will lead to mental illness long term, Anorexia.
@13 yr old needs protecting from themselves.

Don’t think anyone is suggesting abdicating parental responsibility and launching them onto the streets for a life of debauchery 🙄. it’s developmentally normal for this age to want to pull away from going everywhere with mummy and daddy..

Yes definitely not leaving her to do drugs and drink 😂 she stays with her grandma or auntie whilst we are out. If I know we are going somewhere that is not too young for her then she has to come. E.g. trampoline park. But she’s not forced to come to a soft play centre with us. Her dad had her when he was a teen so the age difference is significant compared to her young siblings so it would be unrealistic to expect her to come everywhere with us with a smile on her face. We went to a castle one day and she came, but another time it might be a baby sensory room, so she stayed with grandma. I also do things individually with her as she has no contact with biomum so I try as much as I can to do normal mum/daughter things if she wants to (I am also aware I will never replace her mum so the balance is a fine line)

Try to find one thing she enjoys doing that you can share, such as watching a TV programme together. Let that be your happy place with her and try to do it every day.

It's normal teenage behaviour. Just keep talking in case there's a problem with school, friends etc. My daughters 21 now & we love spending time together. Make sure you're doing one on one time together. My daughter loved a girly lunch at Ask. Take her to Urban Outfitters. They love the ambiance in there & there's sofas for tired parents.

I don't think 13yos are going to fall OREGNANT because they don't want to go for a walk

Mine is currently full on wanting to spend all their time with friends. So I often invite a friend when arranging trips - eg to the fireworks this weekend, she came with a friend and then had a sleepover. But i've also discovered that she really enjoyed spending time just with me when we went to Grease, and sometimes she'll want to watch something just with me. So as with all things, it's about balance - and being aware the sands shift all the time. What they love one week they may hate the next (pantomime with us last year - a disaster after it having always been a highlight before ...!)

My 12 year old has started doing the same recently. He's perfectly fine to stay on his own and I'm not going to force him if he doesn't want to come. He's my 3rd and there's nothing worse than dragging a grumpy pre teen/teen somewhere they really don't want to go

He doesn't spend all his time in his bedroom yet though. We watch something on TV together most nights

Lots of really helpful thoughts here thank you & useful to hear a range of experiences too. She loves spending time just me & her (a trip to B&M to mooch & a maccies after her Sat morning hobby is the current favourite) but I’d not sort of clocked that as special time to protect, so I’ll make sure I do that. Bringing a friend is going to change things for us a lot I think, she loves spending time with her mates & thankfully they’re a lovely bunch.

I've never really allowed the opting out. We try and find stuff that the kids won't hate, yea we bribe with Five Guys milkshakes or coffee and cake at the nice cafe, but if we are doing a family thing, the expectation is that the kids all come along. I hate the thought of losing touch with the kids and them all just sitting in their separate rooms. It's not like we drag them out every weekend but we do expect participation in family stuff.

But if they don’t want to go isn’t making them counter productive? There comes a point where your have to respect their choices. They are not 6 any more.

It is normal. I wouldn't let opt out of family holidays or visiting relatives, but wouldn't drag them to outings they don't care or appreciate.