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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds sent nudes

67 replies

Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 19:17

Hi regular poster, but have changed username.
My ds 16 has sent nudes to my best friends daughter and she has been blackmailing him ever since! First off I can not believe how utterly stupid ds is so so stupid. He knows not do this, knows the dangers, and we have talked about it.
It was sent off Snapchat and I did not believe it at first he denied it, said its not actually pic of him its a random pic, she dosent have a pic but has messages saying that he sent it. And blackmailing him saying she will tell his gf.
He apparently sent this pic at the beginning of the relationship, and best friends daughter has been calling him a cheater and everytime he would block her she would threaten to tell his new gf, he would then beg and plead for her not to.
I think my friendship is being tested, as best friend is saying her daughter is in the right and my ds was calling her a liar and these messages prove she's not.
I'm trying to tell her that your daughter has held this over my ds head and made his life miserable.
I'm so so angry at both of these kids and also at my bf as she thinks it's all ds fault.
Her dd has been asking for pics constantly, not only from my ds but also his friends!
I just can't believe this situation!
Please advise how best to handle as at the moment I really don't want to speak to anyone of them!

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:51

Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 19:45

I mean he is in the wrong, he never should have sent anyone a pic ever, he knows better! But he did.
He has been punished he is grounded and xbox taken off.

You are dealing with this all wrong

Completely wrong

FFS

being asked to send a naked pic then being blackmailed etc is the wrong part

No he shouldn't have sent the pic but he did however - that's a separate thing

If you do not call the police you are doing your DS a huge injustice

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:53

The world has moved on

Do not be afraid of what is said re him sending 'child pornography photos of himself by the police

The main issue what I've stated before

Get the police involved so she deletes all the very very many photos she's asked for from many boys

TheSmallAssassin · 01/11/2023 19:54

It is illegal to send or possess explicit photos of a minor (anyone under 18, not 16) even if they are of yourself. If they are of your son, then it would be illegal for the girl to have them on her device too.

The pair of them need to have a rocket putting under them, him for sending them, her for soliciting them and for the threats.

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:54

This

Original poster
Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 19:55

She dosent have the pic, just messages saying she will tell gf about the pic, she screenshot the conversations though but my ds never does as Snapchat disappears.
He has now told the gf that this is what this girl has been saying. She is sticking by him for now. I'm very upset as best friends daughter and my son have grown up together .

OP posts:
HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:55

This

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:56

This

He is your DS protect him.

Do not punish him till you have sorted this out properly

And I mean properly

Take actual action

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:58

My photos will not post

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:58

.

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 19:59

Read this please

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 20:02

Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 19:55

She dosent have the pic, just messages saying she will tell gf about the pic, she screenshot the conversations though but my ds never does as Snapchat disappears.
He has now told the gf that this is what this girl has been saying. She is sticking by him for now. I'm very upset as best friends daughter and my son have grown up together .

Oh thank god for that

Honestly just be relived at that

But Be 100% sure he's not too scared to tell you

You really need to know if a photo is out there or not

scaredofff · 01/11/2023 20:04

You firstly need to stop with all the 'stupid' and disappointing comments towards your ds. He's made a mistake just help him fix it he doesn't need grief at home as well as the shit he's been getting for months
Control the situation first. Talk to him after

Your friend is being ridiculous. She's too close she can't see what her daughter is doing is wrong
Your ds fucked up. He's being punished enough though don't you think?

I sent nudes when I was 14. My mum saw one picture on my unlocked phone right after I'd taken it and went ballistic. She made me feel so much shame it was horrible

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 20:05

Sorry if I come across a bit ott

I work with DC so I get protective of them all in these sorts of situations xx

MariaLuna · 01/11/2023 20:28

It's o.k @HappiDaze. Thank you for the work you are doing.

Original poster
Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 21:06

@HappiDaze that link is horrific 😢 can completely understand where you are coming from!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 21:13

It's frightening to think what could happen, why are children so desperate to grow up.
This friendship has lasted over 20 yrs and sad to see this happen, but need to put my ds first. And she needs to put her dd first.

OP posts:
GladysHeeler · 01/11/2023 21:34

He apparently sent this pic at the beginning of the relationship, and best friends daughter has been calling him a cheater and everytime he would block her she would threaten to tell his new gf, he would then beg and plead for her not to.

Is that blackmail?

Woush · 01/11/2023 21:35

Gosh, there's lots of misinformation on here. I'm a secondary school DSL. Dealing with teens sharing nudes is the bread and butter of my day job.

  1. Calm down. This is not a big deal.
  2. Dealing with your own friendship with your best friend is secondary here. Put thought of dealing with this aspect on hold.
  3. Your son does not need punishing. He made a mistake. The aim here is to use this as an educational opportunity.
  4. Any discussion of child porn here is done only by people who gave no real-life experience dealing with teens sharing nudes. Your son would categorically never be criminalised for sending nudes.
  5. Is he being blackmailed for money? If not, there's no crime against him. He just needs to go through the learning process that this is one of the (many) reasons why sending nudes is unwise.
  6. Ensure she no longer has the image (ask her directly, tell her she must delete it) and get confirmation the image was not onward shared to anyone (again, ask directly).
  7. He needs to block this girl on everything and cut all contact with her fully. At least until this has all blown over (which it will)
  8. He needs to speak openly with his girlfriend about what happened, so the anxiety about her finding out is reduced
  9. He needs Mum and Dad on his dide, guiding and helping him. Shame and punishments is not the answer
10. If you don't think you csn deal with this without support, tell school. They will similarly take an educational stance, not a shame focused stance. Noone here is looking to criminalised chikdren for bring curious and making judgment errors with nudes.
Wallywobbles · 01/11/2023 21:54

@Woush that seems very sensible advice.

DoughnutDreams · 01/11/2023 22:01

This might help.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/briefings/sexting-advice-professionals/

18Piccolinos · 01/11/2023 22:11

Fedup0707 · 01/11/2023 19:42

It was early stages of his new relationship. Very early, she had asked for him to send pics constantly also she would ask his friends too and they did too apparently. I'm not saying ds is in the wrong he is!

I know you say she asked. But he has to learn the lesson that the answer is No, no matter how many times she asks. Why did he send them?

He would be best off coming clean to his girlfriend- if she dumps him then so be it. It’s the last time he’ll do something this stupid, but it is the secret that gives the poisonous witch her power.

With regards to your friends daughter. She might be 15/16 but that sort of rancid goes right through to the bone. She’s wrong on so many counts it’s unbelievable. I wouldn’t be sow in telling her other than it will ruin the friendship. Next time, maybe it will blow up in her face.

Seryse · 01/11/2023 22:16

Woush · 01/11/2023 21:35

Gosh, there's lots of misinformation on here. I'm a secondary school DSL. Dealing with teens sharing nudes is the bread and butter of my day job.

  1. Calm down. This is not a big deal.
  2. Dealing with your own friendship with your best friend is secondary here. Put thought of dealing with this aspect on hold.
  3. Your son does not need punishing. He made a mistake. The aim here is to use this as an educational opportunity.
  4. Any discussion of child porn here is done only by people who gave no real-life experience dealing with teens sharing nudes. Your son would categorically never be criminalised for sending nudes.
  5. Is he being blackmailed for money? If not, there's no crime against him. He just needs to go through the learning process that this is one of the (many) reasons why sending nudes is unwise.
  6. Ensure she no longer has the image (ask her directly, tell her she must delete it) and get confirmation the image was not onward shared to anyone (again, ask directly).
  7. He needs to block this girl on everything and cut all contact with her fully. At least until this has all blown over (which it will)
  8. He needs to speak openly with his girlfriend about what happened, so the anxiety about her finding out is reduced
  9. He needs Mum and Dad on his dide, guiding and helping him. Shame and punishments is not the answer
10. If you don't think you csn deal with this without support, tell school. They will similarly take an educational stance, not a shame focused stance. Noone here is looking to criminalised chikdren for bring curious and making judgment errors with nudes.

^ this.

HappiDaze · 01/11/2023 22:23

Also I do have older teen DC

And my DD has told me lots of horror stories of people she knows etc

DC are coerced and bullied into sending nude texts under the threat of being bullied and ignored and everyone being made to hate them

They send a photo.

They feel lost, alone desperate

No matter how close you think you are to your DC or how together you think they are. It happens.

'Gotcha'

Now that poor DC has that photo held over them

Some DC are doing this in bloody primary school

DC are scared of having no friends and no one to hang out with at school. They are easy pickings for other DC

If they fall out with their friendship group

Easy pickings

They then have to keep sending photos, videos other stuff.

Photos and videos are shared to loads of DC from all the local secondary schools

I know this not particularly from work but from my DD who tells me all about it

The DC are bloody good at hiding things and often don't want to go to their school welfare / safeguarding officers. Or just don't feel anything will be done properly etc etc

Yes the school have their guidelines but in the real world these DC hide a lot of shit and are so very secretive.

Confused2124 · 01/11/2023 22:38

I’m going to buck the trend here and say - what this girl is doing is vile.
Yes, he shouldn’t have sent it, but you know that and so does he, you don’t need berating over that.
I would advise him to politely message the girl and say “I have told my girlfriend, so you can stop this stirring and trying to cause drama. I am now going to block you on ever social media as this is causing unnecessary stress for my mother, my girlfriend and myself. Take care”