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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Pornography talk

32 replies

CookieFryingPan · 29/10/2023 12:35

DS is 13 and hasn’t reached the grumpy reclusive stage (for now 😬). We talk a lot and recently it’s become clear he has a crush on a girl in school and has started to get an interest in girls in general. I think it’s time I begin talking about the dangers of the internet and pornography but I don’t know where to start. He doesn’t have a phone yet and the computer is in the living room (With filters on) so I know he’s not searched anything up but I do worry that in this day and age it’s so easy for young teens to access harmful content

OP posts:
MerylSqueak · 29/10/2023 12:39

I'd like to know this too.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 29/10/2023 12:57

I'd also be interested to know this, but don't really want to be the one to tell DS about the cesspit that exists IRL. I don't exactly know how much school and friends have told him, maybe I could ask him that to start the conversation?

AngelCake6 · 30/10/2023 09:40

How open are you with him usually and have you had any talks like this before?

Cheeesus · 30/10/2023 09:43

I do it in increments with DS. We’ve had some conversations at dinner, some on a walk. I just jump in and try and be funny. ‘Brace yourself for an embarrassing bit’ or add onto a conversation that’s happening anyway or something that I’ve read. Same as conversations about consent and other things.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 30/10/2023 09:44

The worst thing is I expect friends have already shown him.
they know and have seen far more than we think.
id def speak to him sooner rather than later.

GoldDuster · 30/10/2023 09:45

They'll have covered this in school by now, if he's in school, and he will know far more than you think he does, unless he's spent the last 13 years in a cupboard. If he's at school you can absolutely guarantee there are plenty of images on phones being shown around, and 13 is probably a bit late to kick in with the birds and the bees, but better late than never.

Open lines of communication, try not to be embarrassed, it's just sex, and the less awkward you can be about it the more open he will be able to be.

Original poster
CookieFryingPan · 30/10/2023 09:54

@AngelCake6 we’re usually quite open I suppose for now anyway.

@Cheeesus Thank you, a benefit (for better or worse sometimes) is he says things like they are and doesn’t beat around the bush. Which has gotten him into trouble previously but in cases like having a sensitive conversation I suppose it would help

@MiddleagedBeachbum @GoldDuster he has mild ASD and can be a bit forward sometimes so I know whilst maybe his friends have said stuff at school he’s not fully aware of everything. School has covered the basics and science of sex but that’s it. I asked him about it once and he said they learnt about the life cycle of some animals and how they ‘do sex’.

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 30/10/2023 10:13

By this age any decent secondary school will already be having assemblies on sex, consent, sharing nudes, pornography, drugs, gangs. The main thing is to be open and reassure him nothing is off limits for you to discuss.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/10/2023 10:16

My kids definitely learned about issues like sexting and not sending or asking for nudes in year 7.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/10/2023 10:20

Hes 13 he will know what porn is unless he goes to a very very sheltered school . If your son has shown no signs of needing this conversation other than a crush on a girl I am not sure you need to approach this yet. Surely a wider conversation around respect for women, not using the phone to take or send nude photos, not watching stuff online that they shouldn’t.

my 14 year old has used the word porn is conversation and I just approach it with him “why are you saying that” “have you been watching or been shown something online” “ you know this is not appropriate for you to watch?” The key the conversation go from there.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/10/2023 10:21

Add to my comment above my kids have just had a month of assemblies about dangerous/ inappropriate sexual behaviours they are yr 8 and yr 10 applies to whole school.

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 30/10/2023 10:27

My kids are 14 and 15, boy & girl. They were recently subjected to 'The Sex Talk' from their dad & I. They were told it was coming and I was told it wasn't necessary because they get that stuff at school but I'm fairly certain that the school wouldn't have covered the topics that I deemed to be important. I also think it was good that it was a group discussion and they were both privy to the advice that we felt was valuable to/from males and females.

The topics we covered were:

  • Consent. Ensuring my son realises that a No, given even if in full swing of things, means NO. Knowing my daughter understands that she can so no at anytime and it should be respected.
  • Contraception. Onus on the fact that only condoms protect against STIs. Covered that female contraception has side effects and isn't always a quick/easy option for a woman. Covered that a male should not go in all guns blazing, unprotected if he is told "It's ok, I'm on the pill". Covered latex allergies, that condoms can stretch huge amounts etc etc
  • Further to contraception, covering the morning after pill and the tight deadlines that come into play. Also, abortion is an option they can always consider if its needed.
  • STI's. How easily transferrable some of them. How some can be treated and how some cannot.
  • Selfies/nudes. Basically, don't bloody do it. Once it's out there, its out there. If you are going to be bloody stupid, don't be stupid enough to put your face or any identifiable things in it fgs. If someone sends you one, be respectful and delete/do not distribute.
  • Porn isn't real. People have hair on their bodies. People have lumps & bumps. Anal sex/choking etc is not "normal" sex and should never be on the table until they are much, much older and only is 100% consenting. peer pressure is not consent.

I made it very clear that I was in no way encouraging sex. We discussed how big a step it is and that sex does not equal love. Self-respect, dignity, partnerships and all that jazz. But - big but - if they were going to do it, they needed to be sensible, mature and respectful.

It was 10/15 minutes long and went well. They asked some questions, clarified some points and approached the conversation with more maturity than I expected. They both know that we are approachable about these kinds of things and I hope they'll reach out to us if they ever need us.

Original poster
CookieFryingPan · 30/10/2023 10:28

Even though he might not be as mentally mature as some 13yo’s, I’m sure he has an idea of what porn is. My point is how do I get across how harmful it is in a way that is clear and to the point.

Sex and bodies are normal obviously, but porn is not. My idea was to chat with him after school tonight and indirectly bring it up and go from there. I’m trying to think about how I can start it. I want to get across the ideas of consent (I teach this a lot about other things), I think consent is so, so important to teach. Also, that pornography is not natural and doesn’t portray natural bodies and that it can harm the brain.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieFryingPan · 30/10/2023 10:34

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 30/10/2023 10:27

My kids are 14 and 15, boy & girl. They were recently subjected to 'The Sex Talk' from their dad & I. They were told it was coming and I was told it wasn't necessary because they get that stuff at school but I'm fairly certain that the school wouldn't have covered the topics that I deemed to be important. I also think it was good that it was a group discussion and they were both privy to the advice that we felt was valuable to/from males and females.

The topics we covered were:

  • Consent. Ensuring my son realises that a No, given even if in full swing of things, means NO. Knowing my daughter understands that she can so no at anytime and it should be respected.
  • Contraception. Onus on the fact that only condoms protect against STIs. Covered that female contraception has side effects and isn't always a quick/easy option for a woman. Covered that a male should not go in all guns blazing, unprotected if he is told "It's ok, I'm on the pill". Covered latex allergies, that condoms can stretch huge amounts etc etc
  • Further to contraception, covering the morning after pill and the tight deadlines that come into play. Also, abortion is an option they can always consider if its needed.
  • STI's. How easily transferrable some of them. How some can be treated and how some cannot.
  • Selfies/nudes. Basically, don't bloody do it. Once it's out there, its out there. If you are going to be bloody stupid, don't be stupid enough to put your face or any identifiable things in it fgs. If someone sends you one, be respectful and delete/do not distribute.
  • Porn isn't real. People have hair on their bodies. People have lumps & bumps. Anal sex/choking etc is not "normal" sex and should never be on the table until they are much, much older and only is 100% consenting. peer pressure is not consent.

I made it very clear that I was in no way encouraging sex. We discussed how big a step it is and that sex does not equal love. Self-respect, dignity, partnerships and all that jazz. But - big but - if they were going to do it, they needed to be sensible, mature and respectful.

It was 10/15 minutes long and went well. They asked some questions, clarified some points and approached the conversation with more maturity than I expected. They both know that we are approachable about these kinds of things and I hope they'll reach out to us if they ever need us.

Thank you so much, that sounds like a great way of formatting it, I’ll have to take some notes

OP posts:
Cheeesus · 30/10/2023 10:36

I tend to start really simple as a first conversation and then add to it in subsequent ones. I think too much at once is hard to absorb.

bongsuhan · 30/10/2023 10:57

Slightly offtopic, but as one of the things to talk about is unacceptable and unrealistic behavior in porn as well as how it forms unhealthy expectations towards sexual relations this has got me thinking about "romance" novels. I recently came across one of these by accident (marketed as a (YA) fantasy novel) and was full of amazingly toxic sex/relationship tropes that I would consider to be potentially very harmful (obv porn harms real people and is different for this reason, but from the perspective of forming readers' expectations towards sex and relationships, it seems comparable). It seems to be very widespread.

Is this something to be included in that talk (or a separate talk)? I have no further experience of romance novels so would appreciate some input :)

Original poster
CookieFryingPan · 30/10/2023 11:04

bongsuhan · 30/10/2023 10:57

Slightly offtopic, but as one of the things to talk about is unacceptable and unrealistic behavior in porn as well as how it forms unhealthy expectations towards sexual relations this has got me thinking about "romance" novels. I recently came across one of these by accident (marketed as a (YA) fantasy novel) and was full of amazingly toxic sex/relationship tropes that I would consider to be potentially very harmful (obv porn harms real people and is different for this reason, but from the perspective of forming readers' expectations towards sex and relationships, it seems comparable). It seems to be very widespread.

Is this something to be included in that talk (or a separate talk)? I have no further experience of romance novels so would appreciate some input :)

Yes I understand what you mean, I’ve read romance novels and a lot (at least the mainstream ones) seem to focus on a toxic dynamic. Usually one or both people are controlling, narcissistic or abusive. There’s the trope of the rich man finding a poor woman. I’d hate for DS to think relationships have to be based upon some sort of power dynamic. They should be loving, supportive and healthy.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 30/10/2023 11:10

We talked a lot about how people end up in prostitution and porn.

I've really talked about the legal implications of sharing pornographic images with and of minors.

Revenge porn etc. The implications of sharing images that can follow you for ever and ever.

There's so much to talk about. We took advantage of the situations that arose at school to discuss the ripple effect of trusting someone with your (naked) image.

DD2 and her best friend, as minors, won a case against an adult for unsolicited dick pics and videos. It was the BFF who brought this to light. DD2 hadn't said a word. Possibly because she thought I'd make it worse.

DcatAnnie · 30/10/2023 11:11

Following because I will also have to have this talk soon and I’m so glad you have asked his question. Seems a bloody minefield tbh I guess my initial thoughts are that he will be curious but I would like him not to view porn until much older (if at all). Is this unrealistic?
Porn nowadays seems so full on, unreal and detrimental to young lads just starting out.

Original poster
CookieFryingPan · 30/10/2023 11:14

Wallywobbles · 30/10/2023 11:10

We talked a lot about how people end up in prostitution and porn.

I've really talked about the legal implications of sharing pornographic images with and of minors.

Revenge porn etc. The implications of sharing images that can follow you for ever and ever.

There's so much to talk about. We took advantage of the situations that arose at school to discuss the ripple effect of trusting someone with your (naked) image.

DD2 and her best friend, as minors, won a case against an adult for unsolicited dick pics and videos. It was the BFF who brought this to light. DD2 hadn't said a word. Possibly because she thought I'd make it worse.

Gosh I’m so sorry to hear that. That sounds so traumatic to your DD and her friends. The world can be a horrible place sometimes.

OP posts:
Chagnedname · 30/10/2023 11:15

If he doesn’t have a phone at 13 you’ve been sheltering him too much

Original poster
CookieFryingPan · 30/10/2023 11:30

Chagnedname · 30/10/2023 11:15

If he doesn’t have a phone at 13 you’ve been sheltering him too much

He doesn’t have a phone because he doesn’t want one. And we’re in a small safe town so the need to have one for safety isn’t as necessary. On top of that I don’t agree with giving a 13yo a device capable of so many things a good idea. Not just for porn, but also real life violence, torture, online bullying, harassment, pedophilia etc. All it takes is for someone to search ‘boobs’ and you instantly can see 10000s of images

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Echobelly · 30/10/2023 11:38

https://culturereframed.org/ is a useful resource on this. I watched one of their webcasts about talking porn with kids and it was helpful, and allowed me to start an initial conversation with both kids towards the end of primary school along the lines of 'Do you know what porn is?' (and not much more detail than that).

Oldest is pretty savvy and I'm not sure will need more talking to... youngest more immature and recently got first smartphone (albeit that he's not that interested in) so we had another quick chat then, plus evidently friends are starting to talk about 'sex stuff' so I think it'll be time for another conversation soon.

This is also a good half-hour watch from a 'porn literacy' specialist:

Sex Education for Parents: Introducing Porn Literacy

No matter our opinions of it, eventually kids will learn of pornography. How do we talk about it at home? How do we bring it up? Should we? What's age approp...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMkzlY8-jSk

Martin83 · 30/10/2023 12:06

I think you underestimate your son at 13. Think of your self at this age. I remember finding my parents VHS with Taboo when I was about 11/12. To this day Kay Parker is my idol.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 30/10/2023 12:07

Did you mean to include another link @Echobelly?