16 DD - I feel done.

[Flyhigher]

Hate living with my teen. She rules the house. And is never here. She bullies me. I hate my life.

Didn't want to read and run but you should not feel like this and you need to tell her how you feel
Somewhere still inside her is the little girl you raised? Do you do anything together
Is she mixing with a bad crowd
Is she still in school

She's still in school. Crowd not good. But also not awful. One girl is downright horrible. She won't do anything with us. Just we buy her expensive treats. I wish I wasn't here.

FGS you are the mother here , raised her. Tell her to start showing some respect and they'll be consequences of bad behaviour .
No-one respects those who have no respect for themselves .
Don't fall in a black hole take some control .

Stop the treats
Lay down the rules
It's your home and you should not be made to feel like this in your home by anyone let alone someone you raised and pay for

I've failed. Am in the black hole.

Girls are mean. Really mean. And I've raised one. And now she's mean to me.

It is not too late you have not failed
Day one, long road
Tell her no more talking to you that way
Just repeat it and be consistent
Slowly you will take back control
She's pushing you because you are allowing her to
It's still your daughter who not a few years ago played with dolls, she's not lost

Is there a Dad you can bring in for moral support? Or a friend / family member?

Sounds like you need to reset with an intervention type meeting that lays down the house rules and the consequences. And then follow through.

You are still the adult here and have the option to take control back

I agree with pp. You need to reset the rules here. Its more tricky as they get older but you need to stop treats etc until they are earned.
It's not 'normal' to feel like you wish you aren't here. Do you think there maybe a bit more going on with you? If your mood is constantly low I would make a GP appointment. Please don't be embarrassed to do this.

You need help in parenting her, you need to take back being in charge and stop the expensive treats, yes she can say mean thugs you need to ignore

Girls are not mean. I have four of them. They are lovely, kind, thoughtful, empathetic and great fun. You sound very down and sad. Could you go to your GP and see if they can help you.
As regards your DD. Stop the expensive treats. If she is rude or offends you bring it to her attention. If her friends are rude to you call them out on it. Is there a parenting course for parents of teenagers near you.

Done the above. Dad gives in to her. TBH she's a brutal control freak. It's very hard not to give in. Also ... she's going to school. Not doing drugs. So

How does she get money? Does she have a phone? Who pays for it? The internet? Her treats?

Have You got a family friend (preferably a strong female) that can chair a family meeting with views heard? Mean is another name for abuse? No ? Treating you like muck is not on ?

I have a lovely lovely 16 DD but even she gives me grief. Yesterday looking after a friends child she was bang bang bang and rude when she didn’t win a board game - took her in my room and just sat with her and held her hand. Talked to her and asked her about her behaviour and why and explained how it was making me feel and the child with us (high need SEN child) etc

She cried and told me some stuff was going on in her friendship group and she’s on her period and it’s really heavy - she said she didn’t know why and I said look it’s about being kind - come on hot chocolate, an apology to friends child would be great but the important thing is loving each other and looking after each other.

Shes Didn’t come for a walk - I took my friends child but she did do some painting with us etc

family counselling might be worth every penny

Does Dad live with you or away?

We all live together. Every now and then I'll talk to her to set boundaries and she will say sorry. Then start again.

Her toxic friend influences it a lot. She lives on the street. Two sets of elderly parents are breaking me.

I know everyone has this. But really. It's beyond hard. My parents didn't look after their parents at all. Other family members did it.

I could’ve written your post. I hate myself for raising such a horrible young woman. She tells me I’m fat almost every day to the point when I can’t eat around her any more. Today she said I looked like Martha from Baby Reindeer, fat and disgusting. Her dad tells me to ‘just ignore it, she just wants a reaction’. She then gaslights me claiming she never said the things she said and when I explain how hurtful I find her comments she’ll call me a narcissist and tell me I like playing the victim, and if my husband says anything she’ll tell him he’s being sucked in by my pathetic victim act.

If I try taking away privileges until she speaks nicely or is helpful around the house(switching internet off at 10.30pm, taking the PlayStation away) she throws or breaks things. She will unplug all the cables and hide the router so I then can’t work from home. And earlier she shut me in the door when I tried to go in her room to talk to her and when I said it hurt she said she didn’t care. I feel that by not wanting to confront her, her dad is giving her tacit approval and I’ve tried talking to him but he says I am now trying to make it his fault. I feel like I’m treading on eggshells in my own house, all the time.

I don’t know where I went wrong or where to start to put things right either. I can’t help but I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone.

I feel very similar, I have two teenagers both raised the same way. one is very loving and has never said cruel things to me unfortunately my other teen is very hurtful. I also feel very broken by it, I try to enforce boundaries and not allow awful insults but sadly I find myself withdrawing away from her as the confrontations this cause are just terrible. My husband has much thicker skin than me and also struggles with her attitude.
just wanted you to know that your not alone.

Thank you.
She has changed a bit from last October.
She's a bit better.
She's still very controlling just less overtly nasty all the time.

can relate has having an awful time with teen dd at the moment I actually feel our relationship with never recover. No support from her dad as he sides with her over everything. He never disciplines her when she says awful things, it's as though he's too scared to upset her. me on the other hand will always pull her up on it if she's says something horrible to him but I just do not seem to get the same support back up from him. we've had many arguments over it but nothing changes as he cannot upset his little princess! we don't not parent as a team.
It sounds awful but I'm actually looking forward to the day dd leaves home, just a shame they have to stay living at home much longer these days!

I could have written that. 😢

just noticed the spelling errors in my own post. should have proof read before posting!

my friends with similar age teen dds all seem to be having a much better time of it and appear to have lovely close relationships with their teens. I thought it was just me! awful isn't it @Flyhigher . I love my dd but don't really like her if I'm honest.

I hear you! I’ve got an almost 15 year old son. He’s still got that lovely boy inside him I raised but keeps it hidden far too much.

Im in the same boat and afraid to say I’ve smashed a glass on the floor on purpose tonight in temper because I just can’t take any more. Feel like I’m heading for a mental asylum.

it’s like a treadmill… you talk to them, play down the rules, things improve for a day or two and then it’s back to the backchat.

I wish I could offer some advice but I can’t. I feel like I want to call someone to say I’m having a breakdown and be carted off. I’ve done everything on my own for years and he’s never wanted fir anything or been over spoilt.

I don’t know what to do anymore either. It’s so hard 😢

over the years when I’ve worked with people that now have children in their twenties, one thing stands out. They all said although this time is the hardest, they come back.

right now this means survival - I agree with everyone’s worlds on boundaries but it’s also about finding your own life, fulfilling your needs and following your interests. Not being so available is not a bad thing and it may even help her value what isn’t now on tap.

I had this with my youngest she broke me and it took a very long time to heal. Things you must do:

practice saying, please don’t talk to me like that, then walk away - do not engage. If she follows say I am not discussing this with you while you are being so disrespectful and refuse to engage. Even if it means going for a drive.

Around this time I was also expected to be the emotional dumping ground for everything else going on, constant phone calls to this day whenever the phone rings I panic with a what’s wrong now feeling.

you need to be less available, swimming and scuba diving works well as the phone doesn’t work under water. Make sure you have something on several times a week where you are completely unavailable. (This works twofold as when it’s all over and they’ve gone you actually have a life so empty nest syndrome doesn’t impact)

my DH always thought I was over exaggerating until I stepped back and he had to deal with it. Make sure you call him out when she verbally attacks him.

Also with regard the elderly parents. Have you looked into carers allowances etc, that way they can fund things like cleaners and gardeners taxis to hospital appointments etc any little thing that takes the pressure off you.

It does pass.