16 DD - I feel done.

[Flyhigher]

Hate living with my teen. She rules the house. And is never here. She bullies me. I hate my life.

Just wanted to try to encourage you @CosyLilacLemur. There are studies which show boys have absolutely the least amount of empathy for others around 14/15. Our son was a nightmare at this time, sullen, angry, was violent and smashed his room up one time. Had a physical fight was his dad when we were trying to prevent him leaving the house when he wasn't doing well mentally. It felt like a real crisis and my husband even wanted to call the police or take him to the ER. But I told him I wasn't calling the police (we are in the USA) as I just felt it was all emotional and not that he was crazy or irredeemable. I had had cancer and then he was locked in the house for almost 2 years with covid. That night of crisis my husband ended up in tears and him, me and his two sisters all literally held onto my son in the living room and wouldn't let him leave (he was 6ft at the time). He eventually began to cry and calmed down. I kept him off school for a couple of days and took him to the Dr where he was diagnosed with depression and put in antidepressants. He also started to go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week with his dad as he didn't want to do any talk therapy.

Anyway, he now is almost 18 and today was Mother's Day in the USA. The family took me out for a surprise brunch and my son arrived with a big bunch of flowers and a card in which he said how much he loved me and thanked me for making sure he got to graduation (he's doing really well and is going to college). He has a girlfriend he's had for a year and he treats her really well. He has matured so much especially in the last couple of years. The transformation is pretty unbelievable really. I was very seriously scared for him during that time and he definitely hit rock bottom. But he made it through and is so relaxed and happy. He's so nice to be around again, yet when he was 14/15 he was frankly obnoxious.

It's so, so hard but hang in there. He is still young and immature and the most self centered he will likely ever be.

https://www.medicaldaily.com/whats-really-causing-your-childs-moodiness-teen-boys-empathy-levels-decrease-between-ages-13-and-16

I've been there, you have my sympathy.
Mine is now 19 and delightful. Don't lose hope, things will get better. Take yourself away from the situation and don't be available. It's difficult to do as you're so grateful for those moments when they're being decent, you'd bend over backwards to please them.
You are the adult, her hormones are raging. Let them rage but make sure you're not the dartboard. Walk away.

Leave them to it. Neither of these people care about you.

Like others have said you need to have really clear boundaries that you are willing to stick to with both daughter and husband. He knows she is abusing you and he facilitating it.

Same here. Some girls are really mean.
She wasn't mean earlier. Before 10. Secondary school made her mean. I really regret choosing her school. It's brutal. Wish I'd taken her to a smaller school in the country. Or private. Anything.

She does divide and rule.
She wins. I'm so desperate for her to stop the warfare I give in. It's exactly that. I don't think dads see it. She's lovely to him.

But I am willing to bet my house that the majority of girls at your daughter's school do not treat their mum's this way. This isn't a school issue. It's a parenting issue. She has been taught by both you and her dad that she doesn't need to listen to you or respect you.

It's part parenting yes. Her dad lets her say anything to me.

But her friend is super rude to her Mum at times.

Also the friends including boys are BRUTAL with each other. It's banter. But it's nasty.

The school teachers are very aggressive to be honest. Some of them.

Honestly her school is rough. The culture is awful.

Even I. The roughest of schools, the majority of children are good kids who are just trying to get through the day.

But even if the school is rough, you as her parent have chosen that school for her. If I was using words like brutal, aggressive, awful and nasty to describe the culture at my child's school...it wouldn't be my child's school for long.

You need to accept that you (and her dad) are responsible for parenting her. If you just look for excuses all the time then nothing will change for her or for you.

Parents aren't responsible for their child's temperament, the fact that all humans have a drive towards aggression (males more than females) and they don't have by any means total social influence on a child.

While parenting has an influence, blaming the parents (usually mother) is a simplistic, unhelpful and uneducated view. It's also kind of forgetting that the parents are human and probably had a crappy childhood which they aren't to blame for.

Then there is the suffocating nuclear family setup which we aren't designed for either.

Parents have a responsibility to break cycles of parental dysfunction. They have a responsibility to create and maintain behaviour boundaries. They have a responsibility to model good communication and conflict resolution.

According to OP none of this happening. Parents can not get it right every day but how they handle themselves when they realise they haven't got it right is in itself an opportunity to model positive behaviours. Parents are not responsible for the entirety of their children's personality and behaviour but they are responsible for what they allow their children to do and say to them.

They aren't all mean, something has gone wrong here. Its not necessarily your parenting though.
Can you be more specific about the background and whats led to how you feel now?

@Hoppinggreen some of it is my parenting.
But I do think Covid really affected things. And a lot of girls are mean. Boys also get sucked into a very vicious banter.
I never thought this previously. But I then chose my friends and picked nice girls. Things are different now there are much larger groups. And in there it's all a competitive fight really.

My DD absolutely rules the house like a control freak. Every aspect. She's an only child. Don't think that has helped. Covid didn't help. School didn't help. I also made mistakes too.

I am completely lost to be honest. Had a firm set of friends and work was good.

Now it's all a mess. My DD is her own person and that's fine , but she rules this house. I can't breathe in it. She's stressed. But still.

I feel broken.

Hi @Flyhigher you sound really low right now. What are you up to. I strongly suggest you go for a walk. Yes it’s raining but you need air and space. Have all the conversations you want to have with her where you don’t temper your words at all in your head while you walk. Then you can calmly talk to her when you get back.

Google kintzugi. You are the broken crockery the Japanese mend with gold. You will get through this and you will emerge stronger and happier I promise. It will get better.

you need to find your own space and control.

is dd doing GCSE’s right now?

Honestly if my mum had kept insisting that girls are mean (and boys just get"sucked in"?) I wouldn't have taken it well at all. It's sexist rubbish. I'm sorry you're having a shit time but whatever the issue is isn't "girls".

@ChristmasGutPunch
Not all girls are mean. I found some lovely friends at school. But I have heard the way many of these girls talk to one another and it can be very controlling and difficult. The insults they throw at each other in the name of banter. It's not banter.

Yes she is. Thank you.

Teenage girls are awful. They know which buttons to press. I know because I was one once.

Deep breath. Don't tolerate the crap. It will change. Is she on track to go to uni or move out for some form of training/apprenticeship at 18. That will be a turning point

You didn't go wrong. She's just a teenage girl. She's trying to get a rise out of you. She's trying to convince herself she's oh so different to you and special and different.

It will end. She will come back to you. The best thing you can do is eye roll and laugh it off and warn her that if she speaks to people other than her flesh and blood that she will lose them forever, and she knows it, and ask her why she thinks it's ok to treat those she loves the most in that way.

@Flyhigher having read the whole thread now I'm wondering two things
A) maybe once GCSEs are done and the stress passes things might settle, and B
B) if they don't, would your parents benefit from you going to stay with them for a couple of weeks? I really think the PPcomments about being less available are absolutely right, and also while you're there you could take that time to get a proper care and support structure in place so you're less drained by that side of your responsibilities. Do you have any other family members who help look after them?

That’s really difficult to live with and sorry your DH is not backing you up. I would send a strong message to both of them next time she behaves like this by packing a bag and going to a friend or a hotel for the night. Walking away in itself is a message that you reject all her verbal abuse.

Also perhaps find her a part time job after school where she will be forced to mix more with adults. My daughter started working for a burger place after school when she was 15. She grew up a lot. She learned to interact with people from very different backgrounds, which made her more respectful to elders and authority. Plus it would get her out of the house and give you space from her. She will love the money and will spend less time with bad friends and more time on the job and thinking about her life.

That was a lovely post. Thank you.

She did get better from last October.
I think winter brings out the worst in everyone. And it goes on forever in the UK.

I'm there. My daughter swears at me has punched me in the past and thinks as you said yours does that she runs the house. My daughter has always rebelled against rules and I think to myself how have I raised such a mean person. Hope you are OK. N that you have support.

@Flyhigher 10.years ago I was in this situation. DS1 was horrendous, and I hates living with him. I was suicidal. It was only the awareness of what the effect would be on DS2 and DH that stopped me. DS 1 dropped out of school, did not seem to have a future.

Now, DS1 is a delightful adult. He has just qualified in his job role after a 3 year training course, he has a great job, great friends and a great relationship with us. I love his visits, we have a great time together.

Hang in there. What really helped me at the time was talking to a GP about the effect he was having on me. I ended up on Anti depressants which were the best thing for me and enabled me to deal with the situation.