I’m a victim of domestic abuse from my teenagers

[Teenworry]

I want to start off by saying that my husband is a good kind man and has never shown any abuse towards me. He is unfortunately away with work a lot so most parenting is down to me. My kids are 16 and 13. My 16 year old Ds used to be an easy, kind and gentle boy but over the last year he has become addicted to weed and has become at times verbally abusive towards me. My Dd who is 13 has always been a tricky child but I think her brothers behaviour has made her behaviour so much worse. Tonight we hit a new low. I asked her calmly to hand her phone over to do homework etc. She got very abusive and when I went to remove it she struck me. I tried to get away but she pulled me backwards by my hair and shouted foul language at me. I am broken. I have tried to calmly talk to her but she has continued to lash out and scream at me. She has gone back to her room now and I feel absolutely gutted. Her brother heard the commotion but did nothing to help. We seriously need help but I’m not sure from who.I cannot go on like this.

Leave her to calm down. I would then take the phone tomorrow and she would not be getting it back until I thought she understood the serious nature of what she has done. Do not allow this to be swept under the carpet. I would also let school know that her behaviour has become challenging at home. I would also expect her father to come home to speak to her as well.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I don't have any advice on how to deal with teenagers but my younger DC (primary age) has autism and has on occasion been aggressive and violent towards me too (kicking, scratching, hair pulling, breaking things in the house and once threatened me with a kitchen knife). It's rare but it's really distressing when it happens and as PP said I try to stay calm until she's calmed down but it's so distressing and scary. I feel a bit fearful for when she becomes a bigger/stronger and I'm dreading the teenage years. Is there anyone you can trust that you can talk to about it? (I know it can be scary too to say something that might result in judgment of your child.). I hope things calm down and you have some good support. Best wishes to you.

I would ask for an early help referral or support from another agency that understands child on parent violence. Its based on support networks and clear messages this is a non violent household

so sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree that ‘early help’ would be a good start.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/early-help-and-early-intervention-services/

You could reach out to the safeguarding / welfare officer at your child’s school and explain you are struggling to cope with your child’s behaviour, and ask them to do a referral for an early help assessment.

Can you ask DH to come home as an emergency? You shouldn't have to deal with this alone. Meanwhile, is there anyone else who can come over for back-up, a friend or family member? Not necessarily to do anything, but to diffuse things and for moral support for you.
Long term, you can ask for support from school or other organisations, but there might not be very much available. They might refer you to CAMHS , but it could be a while before anything happens in practical terms. School might be your best bet, and DD needs to know this is not something that you will hush up. You'll need to have a review of DH's working arrangements as you being the sole parent around doesn't sound as if it is sustainable.

How are you today @Teenworry?

I think it is time for your DH to reconsider his work location. You need support and if possible he should be the first line of that support. Then of course get an outside support in.

As soon as you mentioned abuse from older boy l suspected weed. It totally changes a teens personality and the dynamic of your home. Your 13 year old has witnessed this and now all he'll is breaking loose. Yes dh needs to be home...Full stop. And needs to step up when he is there. You could ask a community police officer to your home to talk to both children about domestic violence to parents...might frighten them a bit. Talk to your local police seeking advice so you are aware of what they can do. This will not be new to them.

And if either are violent again call the police.
Make sure your ds has no money to buy weed. Pull all pocket money .
Also counselling for yourself would help especially if it was with a drugs centre support for parents thing as they know their stuff around drugs/ teens/ parents. Do reach out for help.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I agree with all of the advice above. I’ve been on the receiving end of child to parent violence with a younger child and it’s so horrible. I can only imagine how much worse it is with teenagers.

I’d seriously consider calling the police. It’s assault and the kids need to know it’s serious.

I would get the police involved to intervene with both children. The weed issue for one, and the violence for the other.

If my DS now 40 had ever done this to me I'd have called the police. I would never put up with that and I'd make sure the police put the fear of God into them.

This topic is not spoken about nearly enough.
When it is there is always someone to say its mental health thats not always the case.
Child to parent abuse is happening more than we think and it has nothing to do with mental health.
It was on the news a few years ago.
And its not always about hitting the parent either verbal / emotional and controlling is abuse as well we dont put up with it from our parners so why put up with it with our children.
Getting help is not easy as you may think.

I see it with my own sister but when she asked for help she got told it was just the teen years and to get on with it.
Her daughters are 18-17 now and its been happening to her for years they control her home its a long story and its a awful way to live.
Shes done every trick in the book but her kids dont care.
They have not hit her but will threaten to.
It never their fault and everyone seems to think shes not putting her foot down she has but their just out of control.
All they care about is friends and boyfriends and what they want.
She got them counselling they they laughed in her face and never went.
She asked her eldest to leave and come back when she calmed down she got told you no where the door is why dont you f+#-k off.
Or please dont have mates over to day i just want some peace Kids say Dont be a c>>t you cant stop me.
They have there friends there every day one has her moved her boyfriend in for the next month.
My sister said not happening as she cant afford it and its her home.
There was a screaming match and threats and how my sister is controlling and abusive.
She has this every day they are up all night and sleep half the day wake in a grump and shout at their mum for waking them if she makes any noise.
It may not sound bad but it really is.

She is a worn down broken woman and they have aged her horribly.
No one knows what its truly like unless you have lived it or been close enough to see it happen on a day to day basis.

What a bloody awful way to live @Teatimeisanytime.

Has your DSis had any counselling?

HI yes she has had some counselling over the phone but it was for 6 weeks only.
She has made an appointment with womens aid for next week's coffee morning they asked her to come in and have a chat they do free counselling there.
So she may get some help for her self. (hope)

Ask your GP for a referral to family psychology treatment.

This

I’d take them both out of school. And if I could afford it I’d move. Completely change their lives. And hope beyond hope that it’s their friends who were a bad influence. This is my method of parenting and I have literally no idea if it’s right. But whenever things get to breaking point I feel something DRASTIC has to happen

Break for change is a service re child to parent violence in Brighton...have a look in your area for council support services.

I'd like to say i am a mother of to grown boys( adults now) they have had their moments when they was teens but never gone for me.
I have always said if my kids or any teen goes for me i will protect myself.
Cause ill scare them so bad ill scare myself.
If that makes me a bad person so be it.

But i do believe children have to much rights nowadays to get away with everything because some say they have some sort of MH issue that makes them lash out and thats not always the truth.
Not all children or teens say it but some do use it as an excuse.

And the parents dont feel they are believed anymore.
Parents are human to and have feelings like anyone eles.

My goodness 😭. I really think you should get the police involved. If they can talk to them and tell them that bextvtime they do that, they will be arrested. It will only get worse if you don't do something drastic. Your husband needs to stand by you. Do you have any friends and family that can cone to talk to them?

I agree with this.
Lots of love op

I have been going through this for 5 years . My DS also discovered weed, sold many household possessions, dragged me across the floor with my hair, smashed a new iPhone , stole , harassed and threatened . Has tried to blackmail us over personal family matters.

I am a strong woman but reduced to rubble and 5 weeks ago , I told SS I could no longer manage it . I became overwhelmingly suicidal . I have not seen DS for 5 weeks . I am wracked with guilt for displacing him but I am beyond broken and would certainly kill myself if he returned home . Everyday is a struggle . I know he will sink further before he swims again , if he swims again . There has to come a time when you say enough and after 5 years I said it. I know I can’t have him back but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel wretched . He is in full on victim mode and blames me for everything . All I have ever done is fight for him . It was never enough . I hope once he is housed we can see each other in time but I just couldn’t go on .

Do contact SS and ask for help . You definitely need it . Sending love and hugs .

I hope you are ok please dont beat your self up with guilt.
You done what had to be done and there is no shame in that.
I had to do the same as you years ago so your not alone.
Hopefully when he sees the big world and realizing that most people wont take his abuse he will calm down.

sending hugs💐

I'm so sorry Candle. That must be so, so difficult for you. Have you got friends you can talk to or family? Have you changed the locks and do you know what you'd do if you feel suicidal again?