Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How much social interaction to expect from a 14 year old

36 replies

fruitstick · 19/10/2023 08:10

Just that

DS is great. Funny, kind, able to talk about his feelings, all of that. I know I should count myself lucky. He doesn't get angry or slam doors.

But I'm struggling with general lack of communication. He wears his headphones a lot and I have to nag him to take them off if I need to speak to him.

He often leaves in the morning or goes out without saying goodbye. Yesterday he went to a friend's house after school but didn't think to tell me.

He often won't tell me in advance that he needs picking up etc or that plans have changed.

We eat dinner together every evening but often he's late down (FIFA) and rushed straight back off as soon as he's finished eating.

These sound like very minor issues when I write them down, but are these things I just have to let go or insist on.

Things I want him to do

  • let me know when he leaves the house and what time he will be coming back.
  • come down for dinner when asked and not 5 minutes later when it's going cold.
  • take his headphones off at breakfast so he can hear me when I ask him logistical things
  • put his own clothes away, not leave them on the top until they topple onto the floor.

Do I just have to wait it out for the next few years?

Where did you draw the line?

OP posts:
MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 19/10/2023 08:13

I would say 1 is a non negotiable, we also don’t allow headphones at the table - the other two we would let slide - we are of the view that you ‘ your battles’

your DS sounds like a reasonable teen though 😁

fruitstick · 19/10/2023 08:15

I'm struggling with what are reasonable boundaries, and what is me being sad that my perky, chatty little boy has grown up.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/10/2023 08:19

My DS is also 14 but the only thing he does in your list is number 4-he also leaves his dirty clothes on top of his newly washed clothes that I put in his room to put away.

  • let me know when he leaves the house and what time he will be coming back. non negotiable; has to happen or you don’t go out
  • come down for dinner when asked and not 5 minutes later when it's going cold. non negotiable but you could have a day when he gets to choose when he eats as a compromise?
  • take his headphones off at breakfast so he can hear me when I ask him logistical things non negotiable; this is rude. Teach him how to be part of the family and to act like it
  • put his own clothes away, not leave them on the top until they topple onto the floor. as previously good luck with this one; we currently are having a stand off!🫣
Allthecushions · 19/10/2023 08:20

I’ve got a 14 year old as well. It’s very up and down. It’s hard to see them essentially pulling away from you but at this age is natural. We do ask though that they let us know where they are and set times for them to come back.

The other stuff, if they want to eat cold food let them, same with clothes if they’re crumpled they’ll soon learn. It is very hard.

Sommerled · 19/10/2023 08:22

I think the first 3 are non negotiable - we have a screen free rule at mealtimes.

It's so difficult when they transition to non communicative teens but definitely pick your battles.

Mummysatthebodyshop · 19/10/2023 08:23

Tell him dinner is ready five minutes before it actually is

fruitstick · 19/10/2023 08:29

Mummysatthebodyshop · 19/10/2023 08:23

Tell him dinner is ready five minutes before it actually is

I do that. It doesn't work. It's like a snooze button.

OP posts:
fruitstick · 19/10/2023 08:30

We have no phones at the table at dinner time, but breakfast is a bit more of a free for all.

It's the headphones that annoy me as I'll ask him a reasonable logistical question and he won't here me.

OP posts:
Borris · 19/10/2023 08:32

I have similar battles with dd 13.

I have no headphones/ screens at the table. She is pretty good at this one. One ear in only when dog walking so she can hear me (still pretends she can't but at least she is out on the walk!).

I let her bedroom be however she wants. But I only wash what is in the washing basket (except school uniform)

Arriving on time for dinner is an ongoing battle. I like the PP idea of her choosing dinner time one night. Might give that a whirl.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/10/2023 08:40

It does sound like your DS has little/no boundaries though. There’s no way my 14yr old would leave the house without letting me know where he was going and when he was coming back/saying goodbye etc

maybe have some natural consequences?
if you don’t let me know when/where you’re going then you can’t go?

not coming down to dinner when called? You eat it cold.

no devices at all at the table or they get confiscated

washing not in the dirty bin doesn’t get cleaned

All in all though, you need to have a proper conversation with him. Eg I get worried when I don’t know where you are; I get upset and feel disrespected when I cook for you and you don’t come for dinner on time; I would like to spend time with you and talk to you and when you wear your headphones and don’t hear me I get frustrated.

Coughingdodger · 19/10/2023 08:48

It’s hard to see them pull away. He’s aware of you in the background, even if you think he’s not.

I’ll add to Pick your Battles.

Let anything go that isn’t dangerous or bad for him. Let him keep his room as he wants it provided no food waste lying around etc. He should eat a family meal once or twice a week but let him eat at his own time on the other days. For safety reasons he should tell you where he’s going and when he’ll be back. No headphones at meals or if you’re driving him somewhere etc - just manners.

Maybe take the family out for pizza or have a family takeout night - his choice - in front of a movie once a month or so.

fruitstick · 19/10/2023 08:49

The leaving without going out tends to be in the mornings when leaving for school. So I know where he's going and what time he'll be back. It's more of a courtesy thing.

He's only gone out once or twice without telling me at the weekend because 'he forgot' but hopefully he got the message.

OP posts:
Coughingdodger · 19/10/2023 09:02

Ah. Mine would do that too. You might have to try some subterfuge there. Happen to be near the front door around the time he leaves and give him a quick, jokey goodbye. “Make good choices” etc. He’s busy and focused on the day ahead. He knows you’ll be there for him so he takes you for granted, much as he takes his leg and ear for granted but he’d be devastated if he lost them. Try not to take it personally (hard, I know). Arrange specific times or events where he has to engage - otherwise just be there, patient and loving and firm, with the hide of a rhino. It’s a cliche but it really really helps to start finding your own things to do. It makes the “rejection” (which really isn’t a rejection at all) matter much less and puts it in perspective.

I’m writing this to myself as much as you by the way!

Coughingdodger · 19/10/2023 09:04

And actually I wouldn’t insist on you all eating together every evening if he doesn’t want to. He’ll come to see it as a chore. Make your times together fun and easy. Save your powder for the important stuff.

incognito50me · 19/10/2023 09:39

I agree, pick your battles.
DD is 15 and a bit more difficult than how you've described your son. Still, over all, a good kid.
These are my thoughts:

  • let me know when he leaves the house and what time he will be coming back. Yes, she's mostly good at that. We no longer have "find my phone" activated, so I expect her to tell me who she is with and when she will be home, approximately. This, of course, is outside of the school times. She has a curfew, which is different on weekdays and weekends. I am not at home when she comes back from school, so I depend on her to tell me whether she is leaving home, coming home at a different time, and where she is. If I don't know where she is, she knows she gets to deal with the annoyance of my phone calls, so she has learned to let me know.
  • come down for dinner when asked and not 5 minutes later when it's going cold. She's also mostly good at that, if she eats with us. Sometimes she will have eaten out of the house, or just makes herself a simple dish and eats separately. I'd say we eat 4-5 dinners a week together. I think you should start eating on your own, he'll need to warm his food up if he's not there on time. Don't make it a big deal.
  • take his headphones off at breakfast so he can hear me when I ask him logistical things I'd insist on that, or at least having only one earpod in, if he uses earpods. In the morning, my DH leaves first, then DD, then me, but we are not a chatty morning family at all so she sorts her own breakfast and says "bye" when closing the door, mostly. If I ask her questions, she answers, monosylabically, but she knows she has to answer because I wouldn't talk in the morning if it weren't logistically important.
**
  • put his own clothes away, not leave them on the top until they topple onto the floor. No. Let him have his bedroom the way he wants it, he will learn from natural consequences that sometimes clothes need to be washed/put away. In my experience, they all go through this phase. DD is much better now than a year ago, though the room sometimes still looks like a disaster site; she cleans it up. One thing I insist on is food rests need to come out daily, the rest she can deal with.
Itwasamemoment · 19/10/2023 09:51

He really sounds like a normal teenager. Headphones whilst at the table would be my only issue.
Teenagers are not great fans of sitting at the table with their parents every evening so I never insisted. I would cook the food and it was up to them when they ate.
Some weeks most nights with me ,other weeks not at all if they were busy.

fruitstick · 19/10/2023 11:29

Thank you.

Yes. I think be more firm about the headphones and where he is, and let the other things slide a little. Eventually he'll run out of trousers!

OP posts:
YellowSubmarine994 · 19/10/2023 22:11

Hope you don't mind me chipping in as my daughter is a lot, lot younger, but I'm a secondary school teacher so used to dealing with teens that don't want to talk or cooperate much!

Some general suggestions:

No, you're not going mad. Those are very reasonable expectations on him. He absolutely can and should be doing those. We notice a huge difference in attitude at school between those that have a good relationship with parents with very open communication, and those where it is getting a little strained as communication is breaking down, parents don't know where they are etc. It's crucial to sort.

Luckily, most teens are actually quite open to changing if you can elicit an emotional response to their behaviour. For example, if you can sit him down you can talk to him like he's an adult and explain which behaviours you like and dislike and how they make you feel. You could say something like "It's important to me that you understand I feel very worried for your safety when you don't tell me where you're going. Sometimes I stay up for hours worrying about where you are.". The point is not to direct blame of fingers, but focus on the emotional impact it has on you. You then would usually follow up with a question to check if there are any barriers you're not aware of, such as "What's stopping you telling me at the moment, is there anything I can do to make that easier"? You can then discuss solutions to any barriers.

Once you reach the compromise you then repeat what you've agreed and write it down together if necessary. It could look like "Thank you for agreeing to text me when you leave the house. I need you to tell me where you're going, who you'll be with, what time you'll be back. We can write those three things down on your phone as a reminder so they're there when you need to remember quickly if you like". The point is to remove as many barriers as possible between them and doing what you've asked.

Thirdly you need a consequence if not followed. Some people enforce a consequence of their teens and it can work to an extent, but a lot or actually very good at setting their own consequences. If they feel it's been thrust upon them they tend to dig heals in more which isn't helpful. If you say something like "Great, I'm glad we're on the same page. It's important to me we keep up these changes. What do you think would motivate you to keep them up? What do you think would be a fair consequence if you forget to tell me?". Usually then they accept the consequence more gracefully as they've put it upon themselves. I've had students put themselves on litterpicking, staying after school to sharpen my pencils etc. this week if they haven't done what we agreed.

The final (very important) step is rock solid predictability. Once you've agreed a consequence you stick to it like glue and don't budge, no exceptions. Don't accept a "I couldn't, my phone was flat" or "I didn't text because I was in rush". Follow up with something like "It's hard when we're in a rush, but it's still important to let me know. Next time you need to make more time before you leave. Let's [whatever consequence is]. If you stick to it like glue then you'll likely see an improvement in a few days.

Final pro-tip I was going to give is that if you're struggling to get them to talk, don't ask many questions. Just repeat whatever they say with an upward inflection at the end and they'll almost always start chatting.

Example:

Parent: How was school today?

Teen: Eh, fine.

Parent: Fine? (Upward inflection as if asking a question, make eye contact and pause until they respond to you)

Teen: Yeh, fine. Just same old history, maths yadaa yadaa

Parent: History? (Upward inflection again)

Teen: Just learning about the Tudors

Parent: Tudors? (Upward inflection again)

Teen: We learnt xyz ...

Then you're in and they're likely to lead the conversation from there on.

Make household rules of downstairs by 6pm for dinner with no phones, screens or headphones. Agree a consequence and stick to it like glue.

Good luck!

Beachywave · 21/10/2023 07:39

I think let it go. Try and make time to take him out just you and him (no partner or siblings if there are any) every now and again for a meal or activity.

The best advice I got was “they will come back to you” so just keep doing what you’re doing. You’ve got it better than a lot of parents of teens.

Remmy123 · 21/10/2023 08:38

My teen is same age I expect him to ask me if he can go out before he leaves the house!

headphones out

he is showing disrespect

Silverfoxlady · 21/10/2023 10:50

I love that your son still goes out! My son (14) talks to all his friends on Discord, they are all gamers and don’t leave their house. We tried to throw him out one day, to get him to see his friends at the park and what did they do??? They played with their VR headsets at the park! Hilarious.

All mentioned traits are exactly the same, but I must say I have dropped the ball on all the requirements. I guess it doesn’t help is Mummy is also wearing headphones at the dinner table 😂 (Bad Mummy!). But I think you are right, it really helps to keep communication lines open, it is a good idea for us too. I think I have given up with the teenagers and their monosyllable answers, sometimes finding out how their day was is like pulling teeth.

I remember being a teenager, and having so much fun that I was not updating my Mother either about where I was. It is just immature thinking - not realising that someone is worried, and I am sure that if they understood this then they would start to communicate better.

It isn’t until I was a Mum myself that I realised that - yes, Mothers do really care and worry, they are not just trying to be annoying.

SisterAgatha · 21/10/2023 10:57

Mine does take his headphones off when I need him to.

he also puts his clothes away with MUCH nagging and random checks on his work, but getting him to bring his own dirty washing down is much harder.

Towels on the floor is our biggest battle.

MrsGalloway · 21/10/2023 11:39

We have the same issues here. I’m finding this stage tough. Would say-

  1. He needs to tell you if he’s not coming home straight away or going out somewhere but I don’t mind him leaving for school without telling me. My DS is particularly uncommunicative in the morning so I leave him to it, he sorts his own breakfast and I wouldn’t mind about the headphones in at breakfast. I tend to text him if I need him to remind him about something.
  2. Not coming down for dinner when asked. This irritates the hell out of me and it’s often because he’s on fifa. I try not to get angry because dinner is one of the few times I can get a word out of him. I find going upstairs and into his room gets him moving because he then thinks I’ll start moaning about the mess and asking about homework etc. so he’s more likely to come when called if he thinks I’m on the way
  3. Clothes on the floor. Still battling this one. I know I could just leave it and then it’s his fault if he doesn’t have any clean ones but I don’t want him to smell. I tend to go in periodically and pick them up and have a moan.
I feel we’re still trying to get the balance right. I miss my chatty cuddly little boy and I don’t want to be constantly having a go at him but equally he needs to learn that he can’t be rude grumpy and disrespectful all the time. Someone said to me 15 is the cure for being 14 so I’m hoping this is a fairly short phase!
fruitstick · 21/10/2023 12:19

Oh I do hope so.

Actually this week has been much better. Although his floor is still a bomb site.

OP posts:
HaveToSaySomethingHere · 21/10/2023 13:42

God, this is so reassuring. I have nothing new to add except a thank you to OP and all the posters.