How much social interaction to expect from a 14 year old

[fruitstick]

Just that

DS is great. Funny, kind, able to talk about his feelings, all of that. I know I should count myself lucky. He doesn't get angry or slam doors.

But I'm struggling with general lack of communication. He wears his headphones a lot and I have to nag him to take them off if I need to speak to him.

He often leaves in the morning or goes out without saying goodbye. Yesterday he went to a friend's house after school but didn't think to tell me.

He often won't tell me in advance that he needs picking up etc or that plans have changed.

We eat dinner together every evening but often he's late down (FIFA) and rushed straight back off as soon as he's finished eating.

These sound like very minor issues when I write them down, but are these things I just have to let go or insist on.

Things I want him to do

• let me know when he leaves the house and what time he will be coming back.
• come down for dinner when asked and not 5 minutes later when it's going cold.
• take his headphones off at breakfast so he can hear me when I ask him logistical things
• put his own clothes away, not leave them on the top until they topple onto the floor.

Do I just have to wait it out for the next few years?

Where did you draw the line?

I’m of the pick your battle brigade. Mine both went through similar phases and both have come through the other side (now 17 & 25) and are really lovely company, chatty and outgoing. My mantra is strict parents make sneaky teens. Frustrating while they’re going through it though!

I'd be concerned he wasn't happy. Lead by example, make the extra effort to have lots of positive interactions with him to try and draw him out. It isn't normal for teens to shut down.

With mine dinner is at 7pm but they have to come off tech etc much earlier than that to help prepare dinner, be in the kitchen to chat/sing/listen to the radio or podcast whatever I or Dh has put on, they also set the table etc. Up to you how many days a week they help prepare the dinner. At 14 I would suggest twice a week and build up from that. That means gaming etc does not run over into dinner and they know not to start any game that would last past the time we agree otherwise no tech.

At the end of dinner there is no running off, the table gets cleared down by everyone, dishwasher packed, table and worktops wiped down, any hand washed items dried and put away. No one leaves the kitchen until this is done. We have done this since late primary. That meant they had an understanding of preparing dinner and clearing up afterwards.

If you are together at breakfast then a blanket no headphones rule between set times.

Re the room, you stand at the door and direct them, my sons' bedrooms are tidy because I helped them when they were little and stood over them when they were older. But two reasons, one it sets a habit of tidying meaning they only have to deal with one day's worth of things rather than a bomb site and it being harder. And two both my sons have medical conditions often meaning we had to go running in during the night and there was no way I was tripping up over crap left on the floor. Ds1 is at uni, his room is dusted, hoovered and mopped by him!

A small scatter of Chia seeds/black rice put into little piles make it look like there is something living in their room pooing and might be all you need for them to have a tided and hoovered room. You could also pretend to hear scratching noises. This is something I never had to do but some parents online did this.

Re school stuff we never asked how was your day but they ran through their timetable and told us what they learned. This was done as a conversation over dinner. No phones at the table at all, any of us.

And talk to them about it all, why certain things are important like telling you when they have left. If one of you had a medical episode you might be shouting for them for help. Also try to watch something they are interested in with them to stay connected to them.

Thank you @PuddlingWood that's really helpful.

Definitely want to get him helping in the kitchen more and I'm hoping he is getting a bit more interested. But that would solve a problem a couple of nights.

We talk a lot about what's going on with him. He is struggling at the moment and we have got him support for that, so I'm not expecting him to be cheerful Charlie at all times. We have a good relationship and are open with each other.

He's doing well at school and we discuss a lot at teatime.

It's more dealing with the absent mindedness / not focussed rather than bad attitude.

So, as I said, he's a good kid and I'm trying to set some minimum expectations.

We had a chat about it in the car and he's going to try a bit harder on communicating what he's up to.

@fruitstick sounds like a lot of positives. We have openly told the children that we struggled in the teen years, no one is completely comfortable in their body either physically or mentally and if they are they are probably faking it.

Cooking and getting him more interested is sort of non-negotiable, they will have to make meals for themselves at some point. Ds1 left for uni at 18 but by then he and Ds2 who is 3 years younger made family dinners together taking turns to be head chef or sous chef. The kitchen thing is two fold, one they understand the effort of meal planning, adding low stock items to a list and preparing food and two a captive audience so we could talk, then talk over dinner, then talk clearing down and we also watched tv shows together several nights a week.

Clearly Fifa is a way to lose himself in the game, we all do that to some extent, books, movies, podcasts, radio etc. It is good that he is talking to you. Explaining why things are important and getting them to be able to talk about what they want too, we hold family meetings so anyone who wants more tech time or something isn't working for them get to put it on the table for discussion.

It’s totally normal. Parents are incredibly annoying and boring to the majority of teenagers.

My son never used to talk to us at all but with his friends he was chatty and animated.

It is normal for them to want to spend less time talking to parents and more time talking to friends, but gaming and the internet can absorb them completely if you allow it. The only thing to do is get into routines to try and hit some kind of balance.

1. His room has to be tidy or there's no screen time (keeping on top of it is EASY once it's tidy once)
2. No phones during meals, including breakfast
3. He comes down when meals are ready. You can tell him in advance how long it'll be, then he'll know not to get into another game. If he does anyway, he has to switch it off

I've had all this with now 20yo and it took months and months and months of nagging, but eventually he did gradually get the message and returned to being a normal human being.

I haven’t read all your responses, but does he know that you expect all these things? Have you actually sat down and had a conversation to set those expectations?

I will always set my boundaries with my teenager, and reciprocate by letting her also set some boundaries, eg not posting things on social media without permisssion etc.

They aren’t mind readers.

Absolutely. Why make their lives a misery with petty nagging about petty household stuff? It’ll just drive them away. If he’s generally a good lad engage him on his level and enjoy the few years left before he flies the nest somewhere he can happily play FIFA 24/7.

I agree with all of this. It is non negotiable and he is being rude. Does he not even help to cook? He doesn’t even have to help cook, put out the dishes, or cutlery and he is handed a plate of food and can’t even be bothered to communicate or take of his headphones? It’s just rude and won’t help in the future, not his entitlement.

The clothes on the floor are the least of the problems. Yes it’s a mess, but it’s his room and that one is only affecting him.

I always compare these posts to me as a teenager, because I used to have to cook the family meal from age 12, with my 16 year old sister. It wasn’t handed to me, and if it was, at a weekend, there is no way that I would have got away with the rudeness. No chance.

I love to read whilst I eat, ASD teen likes headphones on.
Once or twice a week we have 'antisocial dinner' where we sit at the table but each person can choose not to interact. Antisocial Dinner is seen as a massive treat in our house, it's a good halfway house.
Rest of time we eat together with proper cutlery grip (lots of moaning and eye rolling, quite stressful tbh) or sometimes separately, eg. Older teen at breakfast bar so she 'doesn't have to put up with AWFUL chewing noises..."

Whatever you need to survive this but, I think - as long as you are teaching manners where needed.

Gratitude for the food I've chosen + shopped for + paid for + driven home + put away + got out again + prepped + cooked + served = Absolutely non-negotiable.