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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old going over boyfriends house

39 replies

sonz77 · 18/10/2023 19:03

My 14 yr old daughter has been seeing her first boyfriend for 3 weeks. Last weekend he came over for a few hours as was keen to meet us! Seemed a nice lad and they spent a few hours chatting with us and hanging out in the living room watching a movie. This weekend my daughter has asked if she can go over to his as his mum is keen to meet her. I haven’t met his mum and don’t know his parents etc. so I’m not keen on her going over just yet. I’ve said that I might consider if she ask her boyfriend to send her his mums number and I can contact her prior to my daughter going there. My daughter feels that’s embarrassing and that I’m treating her like a small child but I only want her to be safe. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 18/10/2023 19:05

Oh no, please dont do this. She's 14 not 8. Just let her go and don't interfere. Its not like she's asking to go and sleep there .

guild · 18/10/2023 19:06

Did his mum do the same? No? I'd match that energy.

Original poster
sonz77 · 18/10/2023 19:09

True and it did cross my mind!

OP posts:
CuriositysCat · 18/10/2023 19:10

A bit OTT unless she’s asking to stay the night.

icelollycraving · 18/10/2023 19:12

If she’s going over in the same style he came to you, don’t embarrass her. Unless she’s asking to stay over, then it would be a no. Did his mum call you? Unlikely.

Meetthecats · 18/10/2023 19:13

As long as you know his address, I’d leave it at that.

Original poster
sonz77 · 18/10/2023 19:14

No, I haven’t heard from his mum. That’s my concern that if she’s not there

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 18/10/2023 19:20

Please contact the dm. Ds 14 was seeing his gf at her home. Naive dps allowed them in her room and they had sex! Yabu not to check they will be supervised!
Unless you can knit booties...

storypushers · 18/10/2023 19:23

I wouldn't contact the mum. Can you drop her off just so you know where she is?

Original poster
sonz77 · 18/10/2023 19:25

I can’t that day but my husband can.

OP posts:
shittyshittysangbang · 18/10/2023 19:26

They are 14, hormones will be all over the place- text mum to check she is happy to host daughter next week.

Flyhigher · 18/10/2023 22:03

Get the number from the Mum. Do not be out of this loop. They need to be in. And you need to know. Or soon it's sex.

Firsttimemum120 · 18/10/2023 22:04

I don’t think your being fair and if this was the case you shouldn’t of allowed him in to your house without talking to the mother first, let her go.

Firsttimemum120 · 18/10/2023 22:06

However you probably could do with making contact with mum to do so. Check in get a feel and all that! I agree with talking to her but you shouldn’t of allowed him in without doing that first

Flyhigher · 18/10/2023 22:06

It's not unreasonable.

Britneyfan · 18/10/2023 22:17

I would definitely want to talk to one of his parents first to make sure they are going to be supervising. It’s not a directly equivalent situation to the boy coming to yours as 1. his parents didn’t ask but I’m sure it wouldn’t have been an issue for you if they had and 2. she is the one who is potentially going to end up with a teenage pregnancy if not adequately supervised etc. I think it’s ultimately better to be the embarrassing mum than be kicking yourself over a teen pregnancy later.

incognito50me · 19/10/2023 07:06

In general, I think it's good to have contact with the other set of parents.

I've written about my DD here. Now 15, she's been with her boyfriend of the same age for seven months. Both her dad and I like him, he's a good kid! And, for what it's worth, I think they really love each other.
However - even though his parents were at home, they ended up having sex that required MAP after three months of being together. I had talked to her previously, given her condoms, set up a doctor's appointment for her (scheduled before the incident but for a few weeks afterwards). She told me the sex had not been planned.

Keep in mind that, though it doesn't have to go this way, teens can get carried away. We didn't really need the MAP stress in our lives! His parents are nice and involved, too, I spoke to his mom, and though she's aware there might be sexual activity on the horizon, she doesn't know any details and it's not my place to tell her. She also doesn't know her son went against their wishes and engineered a sleepover with my daughter while they were away. DD told me she was going to her best friend's, a regular occurrence, and I didn't cotton up to the fact until the day after.
But that's between them and their son, I spoke to my DD about this at length and about all the ways it is wrong (nothing to do with sexual activity, as that is happening during the day, anyway, and now with protection).

So just a cautionary tale from me. It could be the BF doesn't last and they break up soon. It could be they'll be together for a while but take it slowly. Or it could be they'll try to grab every opportunity to be physically close. Just know you should discuss sex and its implications much earlier than you think you should, and it still might not go the way you hope. And yes, you should contact the mother, at least by message, to make sure it's ok for your daughter to come over.

RedHelenB · 19/10/2023 07:10

Dartmoorcheffy · 18/10/2023 19:05

Oh no, please dont do this. She's 14 not 8. Just let her go and don't interfere. Its not like she's asking to go and sleep there .

This. I didn't speak to every mum of kids my dc visited at that age

Flyhigher · 19/10/2023 19:55

incognito50me · 19/10/2023 07:06

In general, I think it's good to have contact with the other set of parents.

I've written about my DD here. Now 15, she's been with her boyfriend of the same age for seven months. Both her dad and I like him, he's a good kid! And, for what it's worth, I think they really love each other.
However - even though his parents were at home, they ended up having sex that required MAP after three months of being together. I had talked to her previously, given her condoms, set up a doctor's appointment for her (scheduled before the incident but for a few weeks afterwards). She told me the sex had not been planned.

Keep in mind that, though it doesn't have to go this way, teens can get carried away. We didn't really need the MAP stress in our lives! His parents are nice and involved, too, I spoke to his mom, and though she's aware there might be sexual activity on the horizon, she doesn't know any details and it's not my place to tell her. She also doesn't know her son went against their wishes and engineered a sleepover with my daughter while they were away. DD told me she was going to her best friend's, a regular occurrence, and I didn't cotton up to the fact until the day after.
But that's between them and their son, I spoke to my DD about this at length and about all the ways it is wrong (nothing to do with sexual activity, as that is happening during the day, anyway, and now with protection).

So just a cautionary tale from me. It could be the BF doesn't last and they break up soon. It could be they'll be together for a while but take it slowly. Or it could be they'll try to grab every opportunity to be physically close. Just know you should discuss sex and its implications much earlier than you think you should, and it still might not go the way you hope. And yes, you should contact the mother, at least by message, to make sure it's ok for your daughter to come over.

This... we had a near MAP experience. And no-one needs this least of all DD.

Flyhigher · 19/10/2023 20:07

Maybe say of course you can go but I'd like to connect with his Mum on facebook. You could just find her there and add her as a friend?
Agreed you didn't ask for the Mum's number first. But still need to negóciate it very carefully.

Flyhigher · 19/10/2023 21:31

Bear in mind that teens do not know how to put on condoms. ( I didn't either). You need to practice on a banana. Pinching the top and smoothing the sides. No air. Or they split.

waterrat · 19/10/2023 23:14

Blimey i was a very wild teen and cant believe people here would not contact the mum. This is not a playdate your kids are in a relationship snd there is a statistical risk of teen pregnancy if both sets of parents arent properly safeguarding

100 per cent you get on the phone to that mum

I had a very liberal upbringing and got in a lot of dodgy situations

Who cares if she feels a bit embarassed. You are keeping an eye on her

Burntouted · 25/10/2023 13:50

She's 14, not 20.

She is a child. Just because she's not 8, doesn't mean that she's not a young child.

Too soon for dating ( Even though she'd sneak and probably do it anyways)
This is a guy of a few weeks..

She doesn't need to go over there...especially not overnight.

Recipe for disaster, and very concerning..

(Even though she'd probably sneak and go over anyways without your permission)

Even if you were to meet the parents. They may be lax parents, and may be absent and perhaps provide more liberties than you'd be comfortable with.

It doesn't matter if she were to be embarrassed. You are her parent and should act accordingly.

Face to face meetings... not just one and done...multiple.

Supervised visits...

The best you can do aside from the above is have the sex, focus, respecting herself, consent, body image, relationships, peer pressure and contraception talk, etc... Take her to the doctor's to get on birth control, condoms, etc...

You can't watch her 24/7.

She's going to do what she truly wants, regardless. She's going to find ways to do what she truly wants.

I also suspect that you'll be preparing a talk about heartbreaks soon.

Hope it turns out for the best.

Jarstastic · 27/10/2023 01:19

I’d want to talk to the parents ideally. At least just to make sure they will be in. I’m more concerned of DS having girls here rather than him going to their houses. I feel responsibility for underage girls in our house.

sorry to hear about MAP dramas. I worry about the MAP that people don’t know enough on how it works, it doesn’t work if you’ve just ovulated.

DiscoBeat · 27/10/2023 01:25

Other way around, my 15 year old wanted to invite his new and first GF here. In advance I asked him to forward my no. to her mum and exchange numbers with her, then I contacted her to say we were looking forward to meeting her, so she knew we were around. Then we met her for a chat when she dropped her daughter over. Not having girls I don't know the etiquette but I imagined her parents would worry (just as much as boys but in a different way!) Oh the minefield of teens...