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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old going over boyfriends house

39 replies

sonz77 · 18/10/2023 19:03

My 14 yr old daughter has been seeing her first boyfriend for 3 weeks. Last weekend he came over for a few hours as was keen to meet us! Seemed a nice lad and they spent a few hours chatting with us and hanging out in the living room watching a movie. This weekend my daughter has asked if she can go over to his as his mum is keen to meet her. I haven’t met his mum and don’t know his parents etc. so I’m not keen on her going over just yet. I’ve said that I might consider if she ask her boyfriend to send her his mums number and I can contact her prior to my daughter going there. My daughter feels that’s embarrassing and that I’m treating her like a small child but I only want her to be safe. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 27/10/2023 01:53

Yes you should go with your gut feeling as maybe the mum or dad will not be there and as others have said maybe they or he will get carried away and at 14 really did any of us have much sense. Have a good sit down chat with your daughter but not in a preachy way and talk to her if you have not already. I would want to drop her off and make sure a parent there as she is only 14 and others on here have given very good advice and information on what can go wrong.

incognito50me · 27/10/2023 05:25

"sorry to hear about MAP dramas. I worry about the MAP that people don’t know enough on how it works, it doesn’t work if you’ve just ovulated."

@Jarstastic , thank you. It is really not well known, my DD (and her BF) were both quite surprised to hear it. I'm glad MAP was the end of it for us.
How has the situation developed for you and your DD, @sonz77 ?

BackAgainstWall · 27/10/2023 09:20

NOT UNREASONABLE AT ALL.

I don’t want to scare you, but heaps of 14 year olds I know are already having sex.

It’s a sad fact.

incognito50me · 27/10/2023 09:24

BackAgainstWall · 27/10/2023 09:20

NOT UNREASONABLE AT ALL.

I don’t want to scare you, but heaps of 14 year olds I know are already having sex.

It’s a sad fact.

I can confirm - and these are not kids with uninvolved parents. My own DD, when I told her she was too young at 15, told me several classmates have been sexually active since 13, 14 years old and she's really not that young.
Early sexual activity seems to be quite normalized now (and I think social media has a lot to answer for, in addition to teen hormones).

Changeling78 · 27/10/2023 09:36

What is MAP?

incognito50me · 27/10/2023 09:38

Changeling78 · 27/10/2023 09:36

What is MAP?

The morning after pill.

NoKnickerElastic · 27/10/2023 09:40

When DD was 15 I asked for her new BF's mum's number. It was a very casual message I sent, hi, just to let you know we're around and happy for him to come over etc. Teens still together 2 years later and we have built quite an honest open friendship with BF's parents where both sides have been able to communicate what they aren't comfortable with. Only works if you're vaguely on the same page I think!

incognito50me · 27/10/2023 09:48

NoKnickerElastic · 27/10/2023 09:40

When DD was 15 I asked for her new BF's mum's number. It was a very casual message I sent, hi, just to let you know we're around and happy for him to come over etc. Teens still together 2 years later and we have built quite an honest open friendship with BF's parents where both sides have been able to communicate what they aren't comfortable with. Only works if you're vaguely on the same page I think!

Something like this is what we're aiming for, too. The friendship part I'm not sure about; ordinarily, they are the sort of people I would love to count as friends, but don't want to get too close in case the kids break up, as they most likely will. I have met the mom, but our husbands have not met.

We are largely on the same page! They are less involved in the details of their son's life than we are with our daughter's, but handle most important decisions similarly to us.

NoKnickerElastic · 27/10/2023 13:14

incognito50me · 27/10/2023 09:48

Something like this is what we're aiming for, too. The friendship part I'm not sure about; ordinarily, they are the sort of people I would love to count as friends, but don't want to get too close in case the kids break up, as they most likely will. I have met the mom, but our husbands have not met.

We are largely on the same page! They are less involved in the details of their son's life than we are with our daughter's, but handle most important decisions similarly to us.

Show quote history

I agree, friendship is perhaps too strong a word! We get on really well with the BF parents however we're all accepting that when it ends, as it inevitably will, so will our relationship unfortunately!

Flyhigher · 27/10/2023 16:20

We had a possible pregnancy scare too. 5 days late. I was looking up medical abortions. It's not relaxing. On holiday no less. So... get the number!

Changeling78 · 27/10/2023 16:33

Teens who want to have sex will find a way and place, it’s far better to have an open relationship with your DD about it. You can’t control what his parents allow, they may be fine with them hanging about in the bedroom with door closed. I let my DD 15 and her bf hang out but I sporadically knock to put clothes away, offer drinks. She has recently had the contraceptive implant as I am not burying my head in the sand in regards to sex and teen pregnancy.

SunshineYay · 27/10/2023 16:48

His parents might not be home and he might pressure your dd into having sex. His parents weren't protective of him going over to your house because he's not the one who is at risk of pregnancy and childbirth which can wreck your body, especially a girl who's still a child and not fully grown. I'm an adult in my 20s and thin and petite. Pregnancy caused all sorts of issues and it wasn't easy.

W0tnow · 27/10/2023 16:52

I wouldn’t hesitate to get the mum’s number. I wouldn’t care (nor judge) that his mum didn’t and nor would I assume that her actions set the tone for any communication going forward.

haveacat · 30/12/2023 20:50

You are not being unreasonable. She has only been seeing him for three weeks. She is still a child. Those people saying about contraception - the Police and SS view providing contraception to a 14 year old as encouraging a minor to have illegal sex and therefore ‘prostituting’ her. Harsh but true.

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