Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Moving away. Do I leave teenager behind

49 replies

Apollobinds · 09/10/2023 20:37

My (40f) DH (36) has been headhunted for a job that could mean us moving 2 hours away. It’s the same job he’s doing now but for a different company. A decent pay rise plus an extra day off per week (he currently has only one day off per week) and would be overseeing less people so less stress hopefully. All great apart from my daughter (19f) is completely gutted. She’s my only child (dh stepdaughter). She has been depressed for the last 2 years and the last 6 months has been particularly awful in terms of her mental health (ever since she got in a relationship with her first serious boyfriend). At first I didn’t necessarily link the two things but I’ve since heard and been told about the way he speaks to her and things he does. He is using controlling and coercive behaviour towards her. Doesn’t like the way she dresses, wearing make up, seeing her friends. calls her a slag, tells her to kill herself. Says that we hate him to drive a wedge between us ( I do hate him) He wants to know where she is all the time, has her live location on his phone. rings her repeatedly if she doesn’t answer. Threw her things out the window when she wouldn’t back down about something. Cheats on her but somehow turns it around on her so she thinks she’s the one who caused him to. She has failed her college course so couldn’t go to uni last month (where I was hopeful she could get away from him). She has become a different person. Pale, tired, anxious. I am petrified he will become violent and/or she will fall pregnant and be trapped with him in her life.

We are considering moving for the job in the hope we could get dd daughter away from boyfriend. At the moment she is angry and says she doesn’t want to move and will move in with boyfriend and his family instead. I couldn’t bear to leave her in this situation. Boyfriend has had a terrible home life and I think domestic violence, controlling behaviour, drug abuse are common experiences for him at home.
She is an adult and I know I need to let her make her own choices but what can I do?
DH will likely take the job either way and probably rent a flat and come home once or twice a week if I decide to stay.

OP posts:
Charlingspont · 09/10/2023 20:48

You stay for a bit, see what happens? Take her to visit dh at weekends, show her another life.

Broodywuz · 09/10/2023 20:59

Agree with PP, let DH rent a flat initially and you stay put. Take her with you to visit and make it as good as possible for her, hopefully she'll come round to moving.
I would not be moving away and leaving her in this situation

Ilikewinter · 09/10/2023 21:01

Ooh thats tricky OP, I agree with @Charlingspont , let your DH rent a flat and then you go to see him with your DD. Let her see that your there for her and hopefully she sees through her appaling boyfriend

GammonAndEggs · 09/10/2023 21:03

I’d go with him but make sure there is room for her to come, and that she knows if she chooses not to, you will come and get her at any time.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 09/10/2023 21:05

What is DD doing with herself at the moment? In education? Working? If she's working, is it somewhere she can sort out a transfer to a new location (e.g. McDonald's)? If she's in education, can she access the same studies at the new location (e.g. not only is there a course provider, but does she have a realistic chance of getting a place on the course and also will she have to restart it all or is a direct transfer possible)? That would guide whether she actually can move right now or not. If she can't, will you stay with her until she has launched in life so she doesn't feel like her only option is to move in with BF or his family?

Billappa · 09/10/2023 21:06

Please don’t abandon her!

GoodVibesHere · 09/10/2023 21:09

Gosh no don't leave her, she really needs you right now.

Berninaa · 09/10/2023 21:10

I wouldn’t leave my teen in those circumstances.

StarDolphins · 09/10/2023 21:11

In this situation, I wouldn’t leave my DD. Certainly not until she’s better & rid of her bf.

Thinkbiglittleone · 09/10/2023 21:13

No way would I leave my vulnerable child in the clutches of an abusive partner, no.

TrailingLoellia · 09/10/2023 21:14

I wouldn’t leave her behind either. When you’re in a controlling relationship it’s not as simple as choose to stay or go. Leaving will feed into the lies her bf is telling her- usually it is along the lines of only I care about you, your parents hate you and look they can’t wait to move away from you, they don’t really want you to go too…

She would be utterly under his spell if you acted to validate his lies.

You have to stay and actually do a tug of war to get her free of him.

Dotcheck · 09/10/2023 21:16

Agree with above. Does she work? Go to uni?

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 21:16

Broodywuz · 09/10/2023 20:59

Agree with PP, let DH rent a flat initially and you stay put. Take her with you to visit and make it as good as possible for her, hopefully she'll come round to moving.
I would not be moving away and leaving her in this situation

This

StorminanDcup · 09/10/2023 21:20

No absolutely don’t leave her.

Let DH get the flat, you stay put.

I would also reach out to Womens Aid if you haven’t already, for advice of how to support her. Whatever happens try to keep her at home and not living with him.

Bullshot · 09/10/2023 21:23

No - I wouldn’t leave her behind right now

She is 19 and an adult but still young and with a problematic boyfriend.

Stay with her for now

Cupcakekiller · 09/10/2023 21:25

God no not at all. I know she's technically an adult but she's still really young and vulnerable. I couldn't imagine leaving my teenage DS in such a situation.

DawsonWins · 09/10/2023 21:28

What is she doing at the moment? Going to Uni, working?

Nicole1111 · 09/10/2023 21:37

I agree with the other posters that the being near to her is for the best at this time. She sounds incredibly vulnerable and like she has been well groomed by this abuser. She needs support and gentle nudging (anything too firm will only push her further in to his arms). Do you ever watch tv together? I am Nicola or the kidnapping of angel lynn could both be good things to watch with her to get her thinking. Also do you have any friends she likes who’ve been through similar that can talk to her gently about their experiences? At the same time as planting these seeds you can then show her how things might be different if you all moved

Lastchancechica · 09/10/2023 21:40

You can not leave her, absolutely not.

Jk987 · 09/10/2023 21:40

Is there any wfh in his new role? If so it might be manageable to commute for a while. What about your job?

Your daughter needs you more than ever, it's good she's got you.

Cowlover89 · 09/10/2023 21:41

Stay put and let DH rent a flat

Original poster
Apollobinds · 09/10/2023 21:43

Thanks for the replies. No, I really don’t want to leave her so if we can’t persuade her to move with us then dh will just move. She already spends most of her spare time at her boyfriends house as we have said he’s not welcome at ours. (would welcome others thoughts on that) Dh would be likely to knock his head off if he saw him. So in actual fact she probably only stays at home once a week or more often when something bad has happened between them.
She’s gone back to college thankfully and is looking for a part time job. She hasn’t worked properly for a couple of months. I think it’s a combination of mental health, boyfriends controlling behaviour and a bit of laziness thrown in. We’ve helped her financially but told her she’s got to pay it back.

OP posts:
TrailingLoellia · 09/10/2023 21:48

What? She failed the last year of college because she’s in an abusive relationship and you are calling her “lazy” and expecting her to get a job and have told her she has to pay you back? How is making your support a loan and transactional going to help her during a difficult time?

She’s a vulnerable teenage girl and it’s decisions like this that are making her more vulnerable to her abusive boyfriend.

Nowdontmakeamess · 09/10/2023 21:50

Only your daughter can make the decision to leave her boyfriend. Perhaps if you move away she will come and stay and realise she doesn’t want to go back to him. I think it would be good for her to have an option of getting far away from him when she finally wants to. Staying near her hasn’t helped so far, perhaps a different approach is needed.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 09/10/2023 22:00

Does he want her to work? At the moment you supporting so that she doesn't have to work and therefore spends more time with her abuser isn't a situation he'll want to change readily.

Swipe left for the next trending thread