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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Moving away. Do I leave teenager behind

49 replies

Apollobinds · 09/10/2023 20:37

My (40f) DH (36) has been headhunted for a job that could mean us moving 2 hours away. It’s the same job he’s doing now but for a different company. A decent pay rise plus an extra day off per week (he currently has only one day off per week) and would be overseeing less people so less stress hopefully. All great apart from my daughter (19f) is completely gutted. She’s my only child (dh stepdaughter). She has been depressed for the last 2 years and the last 6 months has been particularly awful in terms of her mental health (ever since she got in a relationship with her first serious boyfriend). At first I didn’t necessarily link the two things but I’ve since heard and been told about the way he speaks to her and things he does. He is using controlling and coercive behaviour towards her. Doesn’t like the way she dresses, wearing make up, seeing her friends. calls her a slag, tells her to kill herself. Says that we hate him to drive a wedge between us ( I do hate him) He wants to know where she is all the time, has her live location on his phone. rings her repeatedly if she doesn’t answer. Threw her things out the window when she wouldn’t back down about something. Cheats on her but somehow turns it around on her so she thinks she’s the one who caused him to. She has failed her college course so couldn’t go to uni last month (where I was hopeful she could get away from him). She has become a different person. Pale, tired, anxious. I am petrified he will become violent and/or she will fall pregnant and be trapped with him in her life.

We are considering moving for the job in the hope we could get dd daughter away from boyfriend. At the moment she is angry and says she doesn’t want to move and will move in with boyfriend and his family instead. I couldn’t bear to leave her in this situation. Boyfriend has had a terrible home life and I think domestic violence, controlling behaviour, drug abuse are common experiences for him at home.
She is an adult and I know I need to let her make her own choices but what can I do?
DH will likely take the job either way and probably rent a flat and come home once or twice a week if I decide to stay.

OP posts:

weegiemum · 09/10/2023 22:04

My dd2 is the same age, in a good place with work (she finished her HND in the summer and has a job in her subject area) and not studying.
She just split up with her boyfriend of 2 years and already has a couple of other guys interested and she's feeling very pressured by it all.

Dh works 90 mins away and he stays over at work (he's a GP and does on calls so has accommodation provided but he does have to pay) 2 nights a week. I would never countenance either forcing dd2 to move away from her friends and work or leaving her to cope on her own with so many big changes (work, finishing education, loss of relationship, possible other relationship pressures) (and I'm glad the previous relationship failed as she was being gaslit about certain aspects of it). She's quite a "young" 19 year old which sounds like your dd, OP.

Please try to give her a safe, secure, stable home life while she negotiates all this. Certainly she needs to have options which don't include the bf and his dysfunctional family!

caringcarer · 09/10/2023 22:11

Broodywuz · 09/10/2023 20:59

Agree with PP, let DH rent a flat initially and you stay put. Take her with you to visit and make it as good as possible for her, hopefully she'll come round to moving.
I would not be moving away and leaving her in this situation

This is sensible advice. Hopefully once your DD sees an alternative she will agree to move too.

larlypops · 09/10/2023 22:14

I was in her position at her age and didn’t tell a soul because half the things I thought were normal and protecting me , took me 12 years of abuse to leave.

converseandjeans · 09/10/2023 22:19

I don't think you can really leave her. However I think you are alienating her by saying her bf is unwelcome. You could stay but then find you never see her anyway.

I would say DH goes initially & then you work towards joining him.

I also don't think you should ask her to repay any money. Just encourage her to get a job.

Do you have other children? How is DD relationship with her step Dad? Could this be part of the issue?

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/10/2023 07:23

However I think you are alienating her by saying her bf is unwelcome. You could stay but then find you never see her anyway.

I haven't got experience but this did bother me too. I can totally understand why you and DH do not want him on your house but by not allowing him in yours she won't come to you, even if she wants too.

I'd seriously consider letting him come to your house. Hopefully she can have a few moments of normality and some decent food.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/10/2023 07:27

Can you watch TV together as a previous poster suggested? Married at first sight has a very controlling man in it, and it might be a bit of an eye-opener for her.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/10/2023 07:30

Did you manage to speak to Womensaid too?

confusedanonn · 10/10/2023 07:43

OP please don't leave her, my family moved much further away when I was 18, and left me with a bf. They helped me with a deposit for a rental, it all went wrong I got it a lot of debt as I couldn't support myself properly, I did end up pregnant a year later and it's ruined my relationship with my mum. If mum hadn't of moved I wouldn't of been stuck with my now ex for such a long time as I wouldn't of been reliant on him. It left me in a very vulnerable position and I didn't have MH problems and took about 10 years to sort myself out financially.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 10/10/2023 07:45

I'm so, so sorry that you went through that confused

Berninaa · 10/10/2023 08:02

confusedanonn · 10/10/2023 07:43

That must have been very hard @confusedanonn . I met someone through work a couple of years ago who had a really similar experience, she was 16. Her relationship with her mum is non existent now she is in her 40s. Her mum literally moved 200 miles away to move in with her then boyfriend and left her daughter alone. She survived, worked hard, rented rooms, had it really tough.

Original poster

Apollobinds · 10/10/2023 09:10

No unfortunately no wfh option for dh

OP posts:

Original poster

Apollobinds · 10/10/2023 09:15

@TrailingLoellia my dd has always been a bit lazy, will do the least possible she can get away with. We have helped her financially quite a lot over the past 2 years with no expectation to pay it back. We ultimately felt this wasn’t helping and said we can help you out with money but you’ll need to pay us back a bit at a time when you’re back on your feet.

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 10/10/2023 09:35

As much as I can understand you not wanting the abusive boyfriend at your house (I've been there slightly with one of my DDs) ..... I do think by doing that you are pushing her further towards him and his family.

I'd invite him round, get to know him better, watch how he behaves with your DD etc.

quitequietly202 · 10/10/2023 09:43

Could you plan a weekend away to the area of the new location. Maybe a girly weekend with a bit of pampering, nice dinner or some fun activities and sight seeing . So that you've given your daughter some insight in a less pressured way. Seeing the location (on a fun level) could plant a seed, and show her she potentially has a nice place to go to in future

Finlesswonder · 10/10/2023 09:51

I mean she's 19. There are international students and workers who are 18 and have moved halfway across the world. You're moving 2 hours away.

She's an adult and she knows she can come with you. I'd leave it there and go, checking in with her on the phone several times a week

ActDottie · 10/10/2023 09:56

I’d move and take her with you but make sure she gets the support she needs etc. so pay for therapy and make sure she has her space at home that she can choose how to decorate etc. to make the move exciting and appealing to her. But I think afresh start somewhere else may be really beneficial to her even if she doesn’t see that now.

Berninaa · 10/10/2023 10:00

Finlesswonder · 10/10/2023 09:51

I mean she's 19. There are international students and workers who are 18 and have moved halfway across the world. You're moving 2 hours away.

She's an adult and she knows she can come with you. I'd leave it there and go, checking in with her on the phone several times a week

She’s depressed with fragile mental health and in an unhealthy relationship.

I wouldn’t leave her. Kids going to University have a support system factored in, she’ll won’t have one, only the dodgy bf.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 10/10/2023 10:03

Do not move without her or the coercive male will take even more control. She needs your in person support. Don't leave her vulnerable.

DawsonWins · 10/10/2023 12:07

I wouldn’t move without her.
However, because she us at college, she would need to find a new college to carry on with her studies.
The question is

1 Can she transfer somewhere else in the middle if the year or would she have to wait until the end of the year anyway?
2 would the proposal of changing college, maybe finding a subject that is better suited for her be an incentive for her to move? Same with a job?

I don’t think you’ll convince her to move ‘just because’ but she might if she sees a strong positive side for herself iyswim.

And this would be even more welcome if things have gone wrong (again) with said bf.

Regardless of whether she moves or not, she needs to do the Freedom program. Or at the very least get some counselling from an experienced practitioner in DV.

DawsonWins · 10/10/2023 12:08

ActDottie · 10/10/2023 09:56

You can’t force an adult to move with you though.
If the dd says NO and the bf’s parents are happy to house her, then the OP has no recourse at all but to accept this is her dd ‘s decision.

(Edit as pressed Send too quickly….)
Even if the dd was ending up homeless etc… if the OP moves, she has no power to ‘force’ her to move with her. The OP has to find a way to present it to her that will make her WANT to go away (and in this case, not just go away from the bf but also all her friends, own support network etc..l it’s not a small ask)

Jk987 · 10/10/2023 22:21

You can request information about the boyfriend using Clare's Law to see if he's been abusive in the past. clares-law.com/

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/10/2023 06:58

Jk987 · 10/10/2023 22:21

You can request information about the boyfriend using Clare's Law to see if he's been abusive in the past. clares-law.com/

That's a really good suggestion.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 11/10/2023 08:21

This article on teen abusive relationships and developing a safety plan might be helpful too

Loubelle70 · 11/10/2023 08:30

Please pass on our number at womens aid to DD. We can support her and give her advice...or refuge domestic violence helpline.
If you can stay OP for a while that would be ideal until /if she seeks support. Please read up on Angel lynn case.

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